My Facebook Post from June 7, 2011

It has been a VERY slow day at work so I scrolled through Facebook. I usually just look at this past year when I go back but today I decided to see what was on my mind June 7, 2011 a year to the day before Alexis died. I was sharing about the darkest period of my life , never would I have imagined it could get darker but it did. The only difference is there was a light that I could cling to when Alexis died that was not there when my mother passed. I just thought I would take you back to June 7, 2011 which takes you back to June of 1979. This has inspired to work hard on my book, I am almost done :))

The summer after mother’s death was one of the darkest periods of my life. Early in that summer I went to Hawaii with friends and then right after that to Lake Ouachita in Arkansas, this was a trip we took every year. After those vacations I returned to the house on Van Pelt and lived there alone because my dad returned to the lake. I hated living in that house; there were just so many painful memories . In my mind it just seemed to be a house of death . Although I was eighteen and considered an adult I was still a child and should have never been left in that situation but that was my reality. David’s room always reminded me of his suicide and my childhood room always made me think of mother’s death so I shut the doors to those rooms trying to shut out the darkness that was enveloping me. Not long after living there alone I started having a recurring nightmare that I dreamed EVERY night. In the dream my mother and brother were dressed as evil clowns riding tricycles chasing me through the house. The house seemed endless and as they rode after me they kept taunting me and accusing me of killing my mother. I would run from them looking over my shoulder terrified they would catch me but they never did. Finally I would wake up in a cold sweat, crying uncontrollably both saddened and relieved that I was alone. Too scared to go back to sleep I spent a lot of time watching TV. I just felt so alone during this time . I was too scared to open up to anyone and tell them what was going on or about the demonic dream because I believed I killed my mom. It was just a time of torture and I was being spiritually attacked every day. My plans after graduation had always been to go to the University of Texas and room with Peri. That was my dream but for some reason , which I don’t understand to this day, I decided I needed to stay home since my mother had died. The irony of it all was I didn’t have a home, I only had a house to live in and a house that was full of pain for me . So I stayed in the house on Van Pelt and lived alone attending Eastfield. To be honest I don’t know how I did it, I was in survival mode and I don’t know what propelled me to move forward but I did attend school and made good grades. I am proud of that but the unwarranted burden I was carrying was getting heavier and something was going to have to change or I was going to fall apart and lose it.

Comments below :

Joe D. Baker I can't imagine what that all must have been like. I had every advantage (not financially, although we weren't poor; but a loving and supportive family that encouraged me), and almost washed out in spite of all those advantages.

June 7, 2011 at 11:42pm · Unlike · 2..

Lori Rice Stephenson Hugs to you Susan. You are a survivor and even as you reveal the pain and sorrow you endured, I see healing, hope and encouragement for others. Blessings to you my friend.

Venetia Vahrenkamp Gentzler To have felt so alone at such a sad time; you are so storng, and obviously meant to do VERY good things! Keep it up! And I also think this will be an inspiring book- go for it!:-)

David's Senior Ring - WWW '71- An AMAZING sign from God :)

It was in the spring of 2002 and I had graduated from rehab after spending six months there. I was living with my father in Chandler's Landing in Rockwall. One day the phone rang and a woman on the other end asked me if she could speak to Richard David DeFace ( that was my brother). I asked her if she meant Richard Hall DeFace ( my father) and she said no it is Richard David DeFace and he graduated from Woodrow Wilson in 1971. I was shocked and began to shake slightly. Grabbing for the nearest chair I  had to sit down, it took my breath away.

Not knowing what to say I decided to just tell the truth. " I am sorry ma’am but Richard David DeFace is deceased and has been since 1971"  She sighed and said she was so very sorry. The reason for her call was she had bought some furniture from an estate sale in Mabank, Texas and she found a senior ring from Woodrow Wilson 1971 with the initials RDD engraved inside. The ring was in one of the drawers of a desk she bought. She decided to research this ring to see if she could return it to the owner. After a lot of detective work and calls it was determined that the only Woodrow graduate of 1971 with the initials RDD was my brother. (By this point I was very emotional because she was so kind and I didn’t have anything that belonged David. As I have said to this day I can’t remember David in life, I only remember his death and the tragic events that followed.)

After determining the owner of the ring she set out to find him which was an easy task, there were not many Richard DeFace’s in the Dallas area or anywhere for that matter ( one time a facebook app said it would tell you how many people on facebook had your name, I put in DeFace and the answer was zero) We then talked , I cried and she said she would mail me the ring. I never told my dad because even in 2002 we did not acknowledge that David existed. I checked the mail each day hoping this was not a prank and about a week later a package arrived. It was David’s ring gold with a ruby stone and the letters RDD engraved inside.  I cherished it believing it was a sign from God, I wasn’t sure what it meant but it was so very special to me.

I wish I could say I still had that ring but I don’t. I relapsed and got locked up not long after this, my father got extremely ill and spent six months in the hospital. While he was there his home was foreclosed on and all the belongings were removed or stolen. I don’t know what happened to all of his stuff but the ring disappeared with everything else. There are many unanswered questions to this story: why was the ring in Mabank in the first place? where is it now? If I wouldn’t have relapsed I would probably still have that part of my brother but my hopes and prayers today are for God to bring memories of my brother to the surface of my mind that I can hold in my heart. The ring would be special but it is only a piece of metal, the memories I would cherish and hold in my heart forever.

( this was my dad's  house in Chandler's Landing. You can see the balcony that led from the gameroom. I had the ring hidden in the gameroom in a little box. I thought about asking the current owners if they happened to find a ring. I might do that :)) )

Dating violence : I was a victim and feel prompted to share

When I did the radio show with Dr. Gene Getz it was very emotional for me. When I listened to the show I broke down. I’m not sure why it had the effect that it did on me but hearing my story from someone else’s perspective touched a place deep in my heart.  As the week went on Dr. Getz kept referring to the abuse, neglect, and abandonment that happened to me.  ABUSE is a word I never associated with my childhood but the bottom line is I was abused. I had a dear friend from church that I consider my spiritual leader and have reached out to many times say “Susan, you were abused and what you experienced was extreme abuse! You need to realize that so you can move forward”  Those words caused me to pause when she said them and I wanted to argue that I wasn’t abused that it was because they were hurting so bad, that they didn’t hit me or anything. But I didn’t argue because I think I knew deep down inside that it was abuse and there are many scars from that abuse.  Those scars are now healed and as with my others scars will be a source of healing and hope for others I pray. With that being said I need to be open and transparent about some other abuse in my life.

The thought of abuse made me think back to a relationship that I was in that was very abusive. It is something I haven’t shared  with many because when I think back to it I have felt such shame thinking that it was my fault and that on some level I deserved it , just like on some level I felt I deserved the abuse from my parents. But it is time I speak out about this because I do believe it is an issue for teens and young adults especially girls and I believe many tolerate abuse because they feel unworthy. Statistics show that one in three teenagers has experienced violence in a dating relationship. That is huge. Dating violence crosses all racial, economic and social lines. Most victims are young women, who are also at greater risk for serious injury.  These statistics are staggering and I was one of them.

I have one dear friend that I go to advice for, we were never that close in school but because of Facebook we have really connected. God has blessed her with spiritual wisdom and He has blessed me with her friendship. She was a couple of years younger than me and she believes I should share this part of my story because it will help someone. I don’t want to hurt anyone  but this dear friend witnessed some of my abuse while we were in school, she saw him abuse me in the hall, I never knew that. After she witnessed this abuse, which was minor compared to what happened at other times, she was shocked I stayed with him. She saw me as popular and outgoing seeming to have it all and she wondered why I would let anyone treat me like that but after learning my story she said it all made sense. I was just living in a cycle of abuse thinking I deserved the pain and that I brought it on myself.

John and I got together in high school. After our first date we were an item. We had a lot of fun: )) John was the funniest guy I knew and would pull the craziest stunts. I was in awe of his humor and the things he would do.  We were just so silly together; it was great fun especially in the beginning. I don’t remember when the hitting began, I am somewhat surprised that I don’t remember the first time but at some point it became routine and part of our relationship. I just don’t know how. The neglect and abuse were becoming more extreme at home but I was never hit. My father was verbally abusive and mother just absent so it still surprises me on some level that I tolerated this. Although we had a lot of fun our relationship was comprised of a lot of drinking and I’m sure that played a huge factor in the abuse that took place.

One of the worst times happened when we were at a club (don’t ask me how we went to clubs in high school but we did , to be honest it was PT’s on Lawther off Northwest Highway (it wasn’t a strip club then)  We were with a lot of kids from school and John and I got into a fight and broke up. He began to make out with another girl in a booth and I decided to dance with a boy named Billy who had always had a crush on me. When we started dancing John came over and pushed Billy out of the way grabbed me and bit through my cheek. It was bad I was bleeding and people jumped up to separate us. Everyone there just chalked it up to alcohol but I knew different, this had happened before but never in front of people and he was always careful to hit me where the bruises would not be visible.  An older boy that I had in a class with me and his girlfriend gave me a ride home. By the time we left my face was swollen and bruised from the bite, the girl asked what on earth I would tell my parents. I just remember looking at her and saying I would be able to conceal it knowing that my parents would never notice because my dad didn’t live there and my mother was never awake. I only had to hide the bruises from my friends and people at school because no one at home would notice. I remember sitting back in the seat of her green cougar and gazing out the window absently brushing my fingers across my bite mark feeling such shame.

I can’t remember what would set off his anger but he would just explode. One time we were at the lake and he was driving my car and got so angry grabbing head with one hand and holding it in his lap then pummeling me with his fist. I tried so hard to get away but couldn’t and I was so scared he would really hurt me.  I finally grabbed my gear shift and threw the car in park which made him let go of me and slow down then I jumped out of the car and began to run for my life. He was very careful to only hit my head and not my face. I remember my head being so sore but there were no visible bruises.

He would always apologize and promise to never do it again proclaiming his love for me then he would make me laugh and I would forgive him believing that would be the last time. Maybe I was so desperate for love that I continued to take this abuse I don’t know.  John had some wonderful qualities but the bottom line is he abused me horribly.

As time went on the abuse got more violent and our relationship was nearing its end. We kept breaking up and getting back together. He was so terribly controlling that I was isolated from my friends and he even talked me out of trying out for cheerleader one year . Because of him I didn’t’ try out, I still can’t believe that. But things were bad and about to get worse. This next night was the night that ended it all.

We were broken up again (which was happening on a daily basis) so Peri, Patti, and I decided to go hang out at Woodrow Hill with our friends from Long. We had a great time and I ran into my old boyfriend Hal and I spent a lot of time talking to him. Before I knew it I looked around and Peri and Patti were gone and I had no ride. Hal offered to drive me home and we left. As we turned off of St. Francis to Van Pelt I decided to lie down in the seat and I asked Hal to tell me if he saw a red Firebird parked in front of my house. He said no but there was one down the street. I told him not to stop so we took a right on Dorrington then a right on Baumgarten and parked. Hal was very concerned because he could sense my anxiety and asked me if I was scared of this guy. I wiped a tear from my eye and said no that I just didn’t want there to be a scene telling him I would run between the houses and go in through the garage or the backyard. Hal didn’t want to let me go but I said I would be fine and jumped out of his car. I then ran up the alley between Van Pelt and Baumgarten. I got very close to St. Francis because I was so scared John would see me . Then I ran across Van Pelt until I got to my alley then ran down  to my house. I climbed my wooden fence and jumped into the back yard trying to keep my German Shepherd Carl from barking and whining. I could tell he was so concerned for me. I gave Carl a huge hug then went into the sliding glass door and sighed deeply knowing I was safe.  I locked  the door behind me and then went back to my bedroom and turned the light on.

I knew Peri and Patti were there because their car was out front. Peri was asleep in my bed , Patti was lying down in my childhood room, and mother was passed out. My mistake was turning my light on because after I did I heard a knock at the front door. I went to the door and John pleaded with me to come out and talk to him, I could tell he had been drinking and I continued to say no but somehow he got to me. I can’t remember what he said that touched my heart but he was in tears begging me to just give him a moment and to be honest I still cared for him so much.  I opened the door slightly and he pounced. He reached in and grabbed my arm pulling me outside and down the steps with one arm. Behind his back he was holding a crow bar or a tire tool, the thing you use to change a tire. He threw me on the ground and hit me with the “crowbar” I began to crawl away and he kicked me over and hit me in the face with the tool.  I immediately felt the blood begin to flow raising my arms to shield my face. I couldn’t get up because he kept hitting me but I began to scamper away like a frightened animal and crawled between mine and the Griffith’s house. I prayed they would see me out the window but it didn’t appear as if anyone was awake. I can still feel the wet grass beneath my clothes and taste the blood from my busted lip and cheek. He was out of control and for the first time I was literally scared for my life and crying hysterically begging him to stop hoping someone, anyone would hear me.

At that moment Patti came running out of the house in her cute denim overalls with the spirit stick I had from cheerleading camp during junior high in her hand. Although genuinely thankful for her attempted rescue my first thought was couldn’t she have found a better weapon?  I mean a spirit stick is a small wooden dowel painted red, white, and blue. I was thinking of the Civil War sword that stood at my fireplace as well as the old musket which was displayed beside it but it was not a time to be critical, she was my saving grace. I am so thankful for Patti and the spirit stick because it provided me comic relief in this horribly tragic situation.  I was on the ground trying to avoid the blows, John was standing holding the crow bar and swinging at me and Patti was behind John trying to hit him with the spirit stick. The only problem is she kept missing him; she would raise the spirit stick with both hands and come down and COMPLETELY miss John then almost fall down. By this point I was laughing through the tears and blood. Patti then ran into the house screaming “Mrs. DeFace, Mrs. DeFace, you have to get up John is outside beating up Susan” Something about that made him stop, he grabbed his tool and ran to his car and left. Patti ran outside to help me get up and my mother staggered to the door still drunk not sure what was going on. My father was at the lake. Mother went back to bed and Patti and I began to tend to my wounds . Somehow Peri slept through it all. That was the last beating I received from John and the worst. Not long after that night an older boy who was a varsity offensive lineman and very large told John to never bother me again and he didn’t. It was the end to our relationship.

That was really my only abusive relationship, my marriage got abusive but that was the drugs and at the very end. Although alcohol played a huge part in John’s abuse it was different. For some reason at that time I didn’t believe that I deserved better. I didn’t believe that I was worthy.  At the time I was surprised I tolerated that because of who I was : popular, outgoing, “ the cheerleader” but that was who I wanted people to believe I was. During high school our self image is so very fragile. I have talked to many friends who were in abusive relationships also and they were from loving stable families so as the statistics say dating abuse crosses all lines and does not discriminate.  Looking back it was typical that I would tolerate that abuse, my family life was disintegrating and I felt I deserved it. I didn’t know how to set boundaries and my father who should have been my protector at that age left me with my alcoholic mother to tend to. It is not surprising at all that I tolerated that abuse. Just so thankful it ended without a severe injury.

When I wrote a little post after Hal’s death last week and what he meant to me I didn’t share this one night because I don’t want to hurt anyone not even John. That was really the last night that I spent much time with Hal and I will never forget the concern in his eyes which showed how much he still cared for me, his eighth grade girlfriend. The one regret I had was that I didn’t let him walk me to my door, he would have protected me I know and he was a tough guy.  I don’t think he ever knew what happened.

John’s  abuse was a fact and a lot of people knew about it to some extent but didn’t realize how bad it was and of course Patti witnessed  and thankfully rescued me from the most brutal beating of all. That picture will be forever stamped on my mind: Beautiful, gorgeous Patti wielding a spirit stick in my defense , while lacking coordination which only brought a little humor to this tragic situation and for that I am eternally grateful. Patti and I still laugh hysterically about that night that seemed to foreshadow the tragic events that were yet to come. It’s a little bittersweet but so thankful to have Patti still in my life 30 + years later : ))

Pride : Proverbs 16:18 Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before a fall.

I love Proverbs 16, each time I read it God touches my spirit deeply. All day today I have been thinking about pride and its many forms. Pride can be quite deceptive and we don’t realize that is what is operating within us.

As I read this scripture  ¹⁸ Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before a fall it took me back to when I got out of rehab and went to live with my father. I had such pride !!  I don’t think anyone would have looked at me and said “Wow Susan is sure prideful!!!” (I had just gotten charged with manufacturing meth, my crimes were reported in the Dallas Morning News, and CPS and gotten my children) but as I said pride can be deceptive and disguise itself in different ways. I had a haughty attitude in regard to what I was willing to do job wise. To be honest I was a little clueless on how this felony conviction was going to affect my life. I didn’t realize I would lose my teaching certificate, I was somehow shocked :)) You would have thought that I would have realized the state of Texas and most school districts would have policies about hiring felons and the policy would be to not hire them:))

But I thought I was different, that I was the better felon, and that I was the exception. I was setting myself up for a fall and fall I did. There were jobs that I thought I was too good for, I didn’t say that out loud but in my heart I thought it and that is where it matters the most. (Proverbs 4: ²³ Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life.)  I thought I was too good to work in a restaurant, wait tables, etc. My thoughts were “I have a college degree , I deserve something better!!” It amazes me how bad my attitude was and it wasn’t exhibited outwardly, no one would have ever thought I was thinking that way but I was in my heart. This pride and way of thinking came before my relapse which caused such destruction in my life yet again. The relapse sent me to prison.

Prison was very humbling on many levels but probably the greatest humbling event in prison was when I worked on the pig farm cleaning the slabs and feeding the pigs. It was horrendous:  the filth and the smell were overwhelming. The degradation I felt when I had to strip down to nothing in front of guards four  times a day to ensure I wasn’t taking contraband on or off the unit is a feeling I will never forget. It was humiliating but I had no choice. My poor choices led to these consequences. As I would wear my rubber suit and rubber boots to walk through the muck and the mire scraping the waste the pigs left on the slabs I don’t think I had ever felt so low.  

Then we would prepare the trough for the food for the pigs. The food for the pigs was what was left over  from our prison meals mixed together and kept warm. A truck would bring it and dump it into the trough and we would shovel it down. It was so disgusting that I would gag. When I first started this job the stench was so bad I would get sick running through the grass to a private place as my stomach churned. Tears would burn my eyes and I just wanted to give up but somehow I would gather my strength and return to my slab. All pride was removed during that time. I learned I wasn’t a better than anyone else. My education didn’t matter, I had fallen as low and I could possibly go. The only way from there was up.

After I became a Christian and read about the Prodigal Son the similarities were unbelievable. The parable of the Prodigal Son is a story about God’s redemptive grace and mercy. It is a story of His unconditional love and forgiveness.  It is about God seeking sinners. It is a story about me . After I was released from prison I was willing to take any job I could get and was grateful for the opportunity that someone would take a chance on someone like me. I jumped for joy when I got the job as a cashier at Dickey’s making minimum wage. I was happier than I had ever been about a job more so than when I was hired as the Special Education Coordinator for the Campbell school district. This job meant more and represented how far I had come from that pig slab in Gatesville but more importantly the change within my heart. God was working magnificiently in my life and had created a new heart in me and he renewed my spirit (Psalm 51 : ¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me).

He did that for me and I am so grateful that he changed me and never gave up, I am even thankful for my pig farming days although I never want to go back : )

My Sammy - Part II

My Handsome Boy :)))

As I said God has worked powerfully through circumstances in each one of my children’s lives to draw me closer to HIM.  It is really quite amazing. Sammy’s circumstance may be the most powerful of all. It was because of Sammy’s friendship with Alex Jensen that I even came to know the Lord. It was witnessing God’s strength and power in Alex’s family during the most devastating circumstances: the tragic death of a 12 year old boy.

Sammy and Alex had met in the summer of 2004 before 6^thgrade and had become the best of friends. They ended up being on the same football team, the Patriots, and their friendship deepened. Then that fateful Christmas when the Jensen’s went snow skiing and Alex skied into that tree and died so young. I will never forget coming home from work at Dickey’s and Sammy sitting on the couch crying and telling me Alex had died. I was so shocked and devastated for the family. I thought they would deteriorate and self destruct like my family did when David died. But to my amazement they didn’t!! They were empowered with strength, hope, and courage and I wasn’t sure where that came from but I knew I needed it desperately in my life. For them to endure this tragedy the way they did and witnessing the  hope they still had which was evident within their spirit stirred a longing and hunger deep within my  heart and soul.

That was the event, as tragic as it was, that led me to the Lord. God used Alex’s death, not that he caused it but he used it powerfully in mine and many lives, to bring me to the place of trust and acceptance where people took off their masks and shared in vulnerabilty. It was a place where I could open up and share my tragic past which led me to the truth and finally set me free. That freedom has trickled down to my children as they have witnessed God’s transformational power in my life. God is restoring what was lost in our lives : ))

Now I don’t want to imply that Sammy is a perfect kid, he isn’t. He has had his struggles and made poor choices. There was a curfew ticket, a minor in consumption ticket, and times he lied to me about what he was doing. The amazing thing about my relationship with Sammy is once we got down to the truth of what was really going on we could discuss it in depth after our emotions had calmed down. I know at times Sammy still makes some poor choices. (I wish my kids would not drink or experiment with any drugs at all but I know that is not the case so the best I can do is pass along my experience hoping they will listen and praying to God to speak to them.  God is working in their lives and I know HE has Sammy’s heart. All I know is I trust God completely with my children)

(Below is a photo of Sammy and Kendall minutes after she was born. He was there for the whole thing to support his sister Hailey. He had plans to go to Tennessee on vacation but decided the birth of his niece was more important :))   

Sammy started working right after he turned 16 and still holds his job at Sonic. Sonic is a great job he makes a good hourly wage and gets tips. The tips are really unbelievable, there has been nights he has come home with over $100 in tips and that does not count the change (Hailey worked at Sonic also and quit at one time to go be a server at On the Border, she had to return to Sonic because she made more money ) I am very proud of his work ethic. He pays for his phone and insurance plus he bought his own car. He is very responsible.

At one point during high school I was scared he was going to quit. I became consumed with him passing and doing his school work. Something was wrong because I was much more worried about this than he was. It was really causing me a lot of stress because I already had enough on my plate. So his junior year I told him I was done harassing him. I told him I loved him and if he chose to go to Choice or get his GED I would support him . (It was such a release to let go of that situation, I really had no control over it anyway. My main concern was that he knew I loved him and was proud of him no matter what) I truly Let it Go and Gave it to God. I never picked it up again.

After our talk Sammy spurred into action and got serious about school.

Last year he graduated and walked the stage with his friends. During his senior year I did not look at his grades one time, his education was his choice and responsibiltiy. I was so proud of the choice and determination he had. After that moment I knew he would be okay, that he would always find his way. He has a good foundation with God and although he has drifted somewhat I know he will find his way back. I know one day he will be a fisher of men ( he loves to fish now :))

(I love this photo of Sammy !! It shows his enthusiasm for life and fishing. I know one day he will lead many to the LORD)

Not long ago, Sammy came into my room and woke me up after he got off work. He sat down on the side of my bed and hugged me telling me to keep sharing my story that I was making a difference in people’s lives. A boy had come up to Sonic who had heard me speak and was really touched by my story, he related to it in some way. He was quite emotional telling Sammy about the woman he heard speak. Sammy looked at him and said with pride that’s my Mom : ))  He said it with pride !!!! Sammy could see the impact and the pain the boy was going through. God has given him eyes to see people the way God does at times. That is such a gift.

Last week when my feelings were hurt terribly I called my Sammy and as always he was my encourager speaking in love, truth, and wisdom. The comment that stuck with me the most was when he said “Mom you are getting quite a bit of publicity and with that you are going to have some critics but you can’t let their opinion get your down, you need to focus on all the people who love and support you, the ones that need to hear your hope. You don’t know what is going on in the people’s lives who are being critical but you can’t let it hurt your feelings. You’re going to have to toughen up a little. I love you : )) “  Out of the mouths of babes, again I was amazed at his wisdom. He is such a blessing.

My children and I have a bond that is very strong and has withstood many trials. As I watched Sammy walk across that stage when he graduated last May I felt the presence of the Lord, his joy was my strength. I was so thankful to Our Sovereign God and what he had done in our lives. This could have been a much different story.  Although we have had our ups and downs all three of my children walked that stage and each one of them are finding their place in the world. They have to figure it out financially on their own and they all work very hard to do that. They have learned if they want something they have to work for it : )  It has been such a blessing to watch them. God has given me a glimpse into their hearts so even when they make a poor choice I know deep within my own heart they will turn it around and get it together.

I stress all the time that the choices we make have consequences and some of them can impact our lives forever  praying they will think before they act. I read a report recently that 7 out of 10 children of incarcerated parents will end up in the criminal justice system and that is more likely when the mother is incarcerated also. My kids got a double whammy; we both got in trouble and were sent away.  And because of my relapse I was gone for 2 years but because of God’s grace and mercy he has restored my children to me. They love me and I love them.  We serve an awesome God and he is still in the business of miracles. My life and my relationship with my children is one of God's miracles, His grace is all over us and I am so very thankful for that. 

As I said I love my children’s hearts. When I had to make the decision to leave my husband of 25 years after all we had been through they understood that it was a choice I had to make.  It was a choice God told me to make and I struggled with that. But my husband has chosen not to stay sober. He has a beautiful heart and soul but he is trapped in an addiction and I felt as if my soul was beginning to die and the hopelessness I lived with for so long was taking root in my heart again. I couldn’t let that happen. 

Hailey, Alexis, and Sammy have supported me through this separation while still loving their father. Sammy looked at me the other day and gave me a hug saying you did the right thing, you had to leave. I am so blessed no one is pointing fingers they all understand. My next blog will be about my marriage and of course I am at fault also. My husband has just chosen alcohol over me , that has been the story of my life: my parents also chose alcohol over me. The only difference is I am now the daughter of the Most High and that is not acceptable. I am worth more than that and it is okay to have a boundary that I refuse to live with an active alcoholic. I will share more later .