Pride : Proverbs 16:18 Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before a fall.

I love Proverbs 16, each time I read it God touches my spirit deeply. All day today I have been thinking about pride and its many forms. Pride can be quite deceptive and we don’t realize that is what is operating within us.

As I read this scripture  ¹⁸ Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before a fall it took me back to when I got out of rehab and went to live with my father. I had such pride !!  I don’t think anyone would have looked at me and said “Wow Susan is sure prideful!!!” (I had just gotten charged with manufacturing meth, my crimes were reported in the Dallas Morning News, and CPS and gotten my children) but as I said pride can be deceptive and disguise itself in different ways. I had a haughty attitude in regard to what I was willing to do job wise. To be honest I was a little clueless on how this felony conviction was going to affect my life. I didn’t realize I would lose my teaching certificate, I was somehow shocked :)) You would have thought that I would have realized the state of Texas and most school districts would have policies about hiring felons and the policy would be to not hire them:))

But I thought I was different, that I was the better felon, and that I was the exception. I was setting myself up for a fall and fall I did. There were jobs that I thought I was too good for, I didn’t say that out loud but in my heart I thought it and that is where it matters the most. (Proverbs 4: ²³ Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life.)  I thought I was too good to work in a restaurant, wait tables, etc. My thoughts were “I have a college degree , I deserve something better!!” It amazes me how bad my attitude was and it wasn’t exhibited outwardly, no one would have ever thought I was thinking that way but I was in my heart. This pride and way of thinking came before my relapse which caused such destruction in my life yet again. The relapse sent me to prison.

Prison was very humbling on many levels but probably the greatest humbling event in prison was when I worked on the pig farm cleaning the slabs and feeding the pigs. It was horrendous:  the filth and the smell were overwhelming. The degradation I felt when I had to strip down to nothing in front of guards four  times a day to ensure I wasn’t taking contraband on or off the unit is a feeling I will never forget. It was humiliating but I had no choice. My poor choices led to these consequences. As I would wear my rubber suit and rubber boots to walk through the muck and the mire scraping the waste the pigs left on the slabs I don’t think I had ever felt so low.  

Then we would prepare the trough for the food for the pigs. The food for the pigs was what was left over  from our prison meals mixed together and kept warm. A truck would bring it and dump it into the trough and we would shovel it down. It was so disgusting that I would gag. When I first started this job the stench was so bad I would get sick running through the grass to a private place as my stomach churned. Tears would burn my eyes and I just wanted to give up but somehow I would gather my strength and return to my slab. All pride was removed during that time. I learned I wasn’t a better than anyone else. My education didn’t matter, I had fallen as low and I could possibly go. The only way from there was up.

After I became a Christian and read about the Prodigal Son the similarities were unbelievable. The parable of the Prodigal Son is a story about God’s redemptive grace and mercy. It is a story of His unconditional love and forgiveness.  It is about God seeking sinners. It is a story about me . After I was released from prison I was willing to take any job I could get and was grateful for the opportunity that someone would take a chance on someone like me. I jumped for joy when I got the job as a cashier at Dickey’s making minimum wage. I was happier than I had ever been about a job more so than when I was hired as the Special Education Coordinator for the Campbell school district. This job meant more and represented how far I had come from that pig slab in Gatesville but more importantly the change within my heart. God was working magnificiently in my life and had created a new heart in me and he renewed my spirit (Psalm 51 : ¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me).

He did that for me and I am so grateful that he changed me and never gave up, I am even thankful for my pig farming days although I never want to go back : )

Comments

[Lisa Smith]

Look at the difference in the transparency you have now from then. You are awesome. Love you.

[Sheryl Newman Wilson]

Another great blog and so very insightful!