Alexis Rose Washington: 2/29/92-6/7/12

Last year I decided to do a blog on all my children. It started with Hailey right before she had Kendall Grace then I wrote this about Alexis.  Alexis’ blog was in three parts,  that is just the way her life was. I really love reading this and wanted to share it again. I combined all the blogs so it is long but it really gives you a glimpse into who she was from birth to death.  Hopefully it will make you smile, laugh, and cry :)  It did me. She was very nervous about this but I think in the end she was proud. This was written with complete honesty and I didn’t try to sugar coat anything. Her life was full of many  beautiful moments  but it also had some ugly parts. Her life was real.  The tears really flowed when I got to this part that I wrote to end my blog on my Rosebud  “God has a great plan for Alexis, I don’t know what it is but I know it is full of hope and promise.”

When I got pregnant with Alexis I knew I wanted to name her something with Alex in it. My mother’s maiden name was Alexander and I wanted to use that somehow and my mother’s name was Rosemary so I knew I wanted to use Rose. We decided on Alexis Rose because I thought Alexandria Rose Washington was just toooo much. My plans were to call her Alex.  I loved Alex for a girl and when she was born she was our little Rosebud.

Alexis was a little spit fire of a baby and very beautiful. She was born on Feb. 29, 1992 and we knew she would be special. Everything surrounding her birth was special. My husband had left on Friday night Feb.28 1992  to go pick up Chinese Food and while he was gone my water broke. In a panic I called my sister but there was no answer and I called all my teacher friends to try to find someone to watch Hailey. No one was at home that Friday night.  Scared because I was alone I called the Chinese restaurant and asked them to find my husband and let me speak to him. Minutes later he was on the line and said he would come home . Crying I told him I didn’t know what to do because Kathey wasn’t home. He said we would figure it out. I started packing a bag for me and Hailey and waited for Warner. Later I saw his headlights pull into our driveway and I was shocked to see Kathey sitting with him in the truck and Carl my brother in law in the car behind. As Warner was leaving the restaurant he looked over and saw my sister eating there !! This was the first time Kathey and Carl had ever eaten at that restaurant !  Now Amarillo is not big city like Dallas but it is still quite large.I believe that was a God thing. I needed Kathey, she was my rock and anchor. Just her presence was calming and I felt peace in my heart when she was near. Warner then took me to the hospital and Kathey took Hailey to Panhandle. Alexis was born hours later.

People would comment on what a beautiful baby she was and she was full of energy. Where Hailey had been laid back  Alexis was anything but. By nine months she was figuring ways to climb out of the crib. She would hold the side and bounce as high as possible. The only way I can describe it , is she did some sort of vault to get out. I put cushions by the crib because I was so scared she would get hurt. You had to always keep your eyes on Alex.

Alexis hadn’t even turned a year old and I was due with my Sammy. I will never forget on Sammy’s due date which was Feb 8 I called the pediatrician for some more cough medicine for Alexis because the cough she had wouldn’t go away. As I was talking to the nurse she could hear Alex in the background and told me I needed to bring her in. Sighing deeply but not really alarmed I left with Hailey and Alex in tow for the doctor. After arriving at the office we were taken straight back to an examination room as the other waiting patients looked at us angrily. By this point I was a little nervous wondering why we were receiving the VIP treatment. The doctor rushed in and examined Alexis and asked me how long she had been that way. Alexis was smiling and laughing between coughs so I said I didn’t know, I just knew the cough wasn’t’ getting better. The doctor administered a breathing treatment on the spot and called the hospital.  I was instructed to take her there ASAP,  that the situation was critical. Still in shock because Alexis was laughing I gathered up our things and headed to the hospital. At that point I broke down: It was so scary that my baby was critically ill and I didn’t even have a clue, what if I wouldn’t have called the doctor, thoughts like that bombarded my mind, I was due with my third baby and was huge ( in my classroom we would put down tape inside my door and see how far I could stand in my room and my stomach be out the door, it was amazing how far I could be in the room. When my OB would take the tape measure  to measure my stomach in weeks the last visit showed 54 weeks. I WAS HUGE!!!!  I had people tell me I was the biggest pregnant person they ever saw, my stomach stuck straight out. It is hard to describe : )), and I was alone trying to keep up with a four year old and an 11 month old that was deathly ill but felt great wanting to go all over the place. As we walked into the hospital everyone tried to lead me to maternity and I was crying so hard I couldn’t talk. I think Hailey finally told them Alexis was sick.

After getting a hold of Kathey ( my rock ) I felt better , she came to see me and took Hailey home with her. Warner then came when he got off work. Alexis was very sick and spent 4 days in the hospital. I stayed with her during the day and my husband did at night so I could sleep because I could go into labor any minute.  They said it was asthma and they gave her many breathing treatments but she has never suffered another attack. My friend Linda , who I taught school with, said Alexis was just not going to let anyone steal her thunder : )) She knew a new baby was coming and she was going to make sure she got our attention. I think Linda was right.

As Alexis grew she was so very creative. The things she would come up with amazed me. She was and is extremely loyal and loves deeply. She will fight for the rights of anyone she believes is being mis treated. She has no fear !!! She and Sammy were so close in age  ( 11 months apart) they have a deep bond and can relate to each other on levels the rest of us can’t. She could be awfully mean to Sammy too but if anyone else was mean to him when they were very little she would go after them. Of course Sammy grew and could take care of himself but for a short time Alexis was his defender when they were very small.

School didn’t come as easy for Alexis and she was diagnosed with dyslexia but her IQ was VERY high so she could compensate. She was always just so strong willed and adventurous . I remember once Hailey and her friend were having a lemonade stand in Rockwall and they wouldn’t let Alexis participate. So Alexis decided to make her own stand. For some reason Warner  was cooking all these chicken drumsticks , he had bought like two family packages so there were 20 plus at least. Alexis snuck to the grill and took all the drumsticks. She then set up a table on the side of the road and had a drumstick sale. She was so cute holding up the drumsticks  shouting “drumsticks for sale” that her drumstick stand was hit and she made more than Hailey and her friend, now of course our dinner was gone but it was okay we still laugh at the memory.

Another time I remember we got home from Campbell, at this point all the kids were going to school with me and this probably happened during our drug use. We got home and I was locked out of the house. We went around to try every window but nothing was unlocked . I was about to cry when Hailey told me to look on the roof. Alexis who was probably 6 at the time had somehow climbed  up there. She proceeded to tell me she would go down the chimney that if it worked for Santa Claus it could work for her. Screaming I told her “NOOO” because I knew she would do it. She looked at me and pointed her hand out and said “It is a free world and I can do as I please “as dramatically as possible. The dramatics of the situation caused her to sway slightly and then she grabbed the chimney and got scared. Luckily a cable guy was working on a house nearby and brought his ladder and rescued Alexis.

Her heart  is always in the right place but sometimes we just need to channel that energy into more appropriate responses.

Another thing about Alexis is you could never use child psychology on her. We would all be at a store and I would be ready to leave and the kids wouldn’t. In frustration and impatience I would tell them “okay I’m leaving you can stay here “ and start walking out the door . Hailey and Sammy would come running saying don’t leave me Momma hugging me tightly. Alexis would roll her eyes and say “You’re not going to leave me. You might act like you are and you might even go outside but you wouldn’t leave me “ She ALWAYS called my bluff. There was no reverse psychology with her. God gave her a deep wisdom and discernment that I noticed at a very young age.

Alexis has never been a morning person either. The day she graduated from High School I thanked God genuinely that I would never have to get her up again J She is just most productive at night. I couldn’t keep up with her. During the week I would repeatedly tell her to get back in bed but she had so much energy she would get up and start a project. One night I remember I could hear the sound of  duct tape pulling and tearing. It was a continuous sound and I was very curious about what in the world she was up to but I was also VERY tired. I didn’t hear Sammy or Hailey arguing with her so I felt secure that she wasn’t using the duct tape to tape up her brother and sister so I just went to sleep. When I woke up the next morning Alexis was asleep on the couch and beside her on the floor was a pair of shoes and a purse she designed and made out of duct tape.  I picked them up and was just so impressed at her creativity and thinking process. Things would get a lot tougher for Alexis  as she got older.

As I said in my blog about Hailey my husband had relapsed on meth and that took a toll on all of us. I can’t imagine what my kids felt or were thinking during that time because I think they were all scared I had relapsed also. Alexis would call me at Dickey’s and point blank ask me if Warner was doing drugs and I would panic and say no. She would say it seems like he is using and I would continue to lie and I know she knew it but I couldn’t say the truth. That put a wedge in our relationship I know and I’m sure despair set in because both of her parents were not being honest and I know she was scared I was using. I don’t know if the kids talked to each other at that time sharing their pain but it was a very difficult time.

Things got a little better after Hailey got in trouble and my kids and I were finally honest with each other about the drug use but we still didn’t tell anyone else. Family secrets are just so destructive: you live in shame and guilt because of something that someone else is doing. Being open and transparent is the key even if it brings about rejection from people that you love, especially the addict.

As Warner’s addiction got out of control Alexis’ behavior took a turn for the worse and she became obstinate and defiant at times and we clashed a lot. I was pursuing the Lord with all my heart but was hiding the fact that my husband had relapsed. I felt so torn.

The night that changed everything in all of our lives would appear to be a horrible incident but God used it for good. Again Romans 8:2828 and we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

One Wed. night when I got off work I was on my way to my home team and I called Alexis, Sammy had already gone to youth group at the church. Alexis informed me she wasn’t going to youth that she was going to go to her boyfriends. I told her she couldn’t go there, that I couldn’t make her go to church but she would just have to stay home. She told me she was going to her boyfriends and that was that. Not sure what to do and knowing I couldn’t physically make her come home I decided to go get her cell phone that I paid for. Warner was off on a drug binge and not around.

As I drove over to where her boyfriend lived I saw her walking and pulled over demanding her cell phone. She looked at me and said no so I tried to grab it and then she hit me in my eye breaking the skin and I began to bleed. Crying and in shock I drove away and called the police.  I was at my wits end trying to deal with her, she was so hurt and angry because of Warner’s drug use and he was of no help because at this point he was high most the time and I couldn’t depend on him for anything.

The police came and I had her arrested for assault and she went to juvenile detention.  I called my home team telling them what happened, it was such a hard conversation,  immediately my friends Helen and Terra came over to my house and comforted me and encouraged me. As we were talking Warner walked in and I could tell by the glaze in his eyes and the set of his mouth he was very high and I lost it. Screaming I told him to get the “f*#k” out of the house and then I looked at Helen and Terra and told them through tears he was high on meth and this had been going on for a very long time, Again where I had feared rejection and judgment they surrounded me with love and support. Warner left immediately and entered a rehab a few days later where he would stay for 6 months.

So what seemed like a horrible incident “my daughter hitting me” turned into something wonderful and good? That incident was the catalyst that made me say “NO MORE”. It was the catalyst that made me face my fear and I learned that God would provide for me and my kids. It was during this time that I was able to work 7 days a week which was about 64 hours so I was making 24 hours of overtime and I could pay the bills by myself. There was no one to help me financially and I know working so much wasn’t ideal but the opportunity presented itself and I could support my kids on my job that paid 10 dollars an hour. God blessed me so much during this time. It was hard and it was hard on the kids but we grew closer and bonded. I supported my husband emotionally during rehab , his parents supported him financially. But I took care of me and my kids finally proving to myself that I could do it. I was stronger than I thought. This revelation all came about because Alexis in frustration, hurt, and pain hit me. God is good.

Warner got out of rehab and returned home to see Hailey graduate from Wylie High School. He has remained clean from Meth since 2007 .

During the Fall of 2007 Alexis was still going with the same boy from a year before. It was tumultuous relationship to say the least, but in hindsight she had never been modeled a healthy relationship because of all the problems me and her father had. Alexis assured me they weren’t having sex even though I was somewhat concerned because they had been together a long time.

I decided to believe her but became more concerned in November because I noticed she didn’t have her cycle. We went through a period where she pretended she was on her cycle but I knew and I said Alexis “Do we need to get a pregnancy test?” At first she said “No” then crying she said “Let’s go buy one“. I looked at her and said  “But you promised you weren’t having sex” as we got in my car and drove to the Dollar General store.

Hailey was there when we got home from the store and we went to do the test. I was the test interpreter and when it was done I screamed “Yay!!! You aren’t pregnant“and hugged Alexis. Hailey grabbed the test and looked at me incredulously and said “MOM !!! This is positive, look at this test” Shaking I looked at it again and ran to the store to buy 5 more tests.

Each test came out as positive as the one before and the realization sunk in that I had a pregnant 15 year old daughter.  Selfish thoughts immediately began to bombard my mind: “what will people think of me? I’ve been to prison, am a recovering drug addict, and now I have a pregnant 15 year old” to the worst one of all “we can get an abortion, pretend it never happened, and no one will ever know.”  That thought stopped me in my tracks because it was the way I had learned to deal with everything from the time I was ten years old and my brother committed suicide.

It was a thought pattern ingrained so deeply I had to be intentional to change it. My whole life I had dealt with things by locking them away and pretending they didn't happen, and we know where that got me. So I captured those evil thoughts and brought them into obedience declaring that is not who I am anymore! I don’t hide in fear from the truth, I face the truth head on.

Thankfully I found out Alexis was pregnant on a Wednesday afternoon and I had home team that night. I had begun leading a home team at New Hope and many of us were in recovery. That night after a time of praise and worship I looked at this group of about 15-20 people and said I had something to say. Tearing up I confessed that I just learned my 15 year old daughter was pregnant.

As with every trial before that I confessed to my church family I was surrounded with love and support. Amazingly I was told of different people at my church that had the same experience and chose different options: one kept the baby and another put her baby up for adoption. The couple I reached out to for advice were respected leaders in our church and had experienced this years before. The shame that the enemy was trying to trap me in immediately left and I had hope, I didn’t feel alone. Again what the enemy meant for evil God brought good from.

Alexis made the choice to keep her baby and we said we would support her decision. (I cannot imagine life without Riley now, I just can't, I love her with all my heart and she has brought such joy to our family) My oldest daughter Hailey was so scared that the kids at school would be mean to Alexis, making fun of her. I don't know if that happened or not. Alexis is a pretty tough girl so she never mentioned it.

 

What I remember the most is how she took care of herself being sure to eat healthy food, putting ear phones on her stomach and playing Beethoven, and sewing blankets, dolls, and pillows for her unborn baby. Her care didn't stop when Riley was born on June 25, 2008. She chose to nurse Riley because she had learned that was best for her baby. I thought she might stop when she started her junior year in the fall but NO , Alexis took a pump to school and would go to the nurses office throughout the day so she could continue to nurse Riley. She did that until January.

I am still amazed by that :) I remember her saying that she wished the bag for the pump was more stylish:) I told her I didn't think they would design breast pumps for teenagers :)

Alexis had one goal that was very important to her after having Riley and that was to walk the stage when she graduated with her peers. She did not want to go to Choice or get her GED. She achieved that goal and was so very proud of herself :)

I don't want to sugarcoat anything because it has been extremely hard and there have been many ups and downs for Alexis. But she has strength and I know she will be okay. When I am scared for her I always think of dropping her off at school (her DL was put on hold for awhile)  her junior year and her jumping out of the car with a backpack on one arm and the breast pump on the other, running into the building or taking her to youth group at church when Riley was an infant and Alexis dropping her off in the nursery while she went to youth. Deep down in my heart I know Alexis will make it. She has such strength and I am not sure where it comes from but I am so thankful she has it.

Today Alexis is working at a church in Allen and building a life for her and Riley. She has made some poor choices along the way but has taken the initiative to accept the consequences and deal with them. God has a great plan for Alexis, I don’t know what it is but I know it is full of hope and promise.

At Christmas this year as we were eating dinner Riley broke out into a song she made up. The words were basically "It's a lovely day , It's a Shine"  Each time I watch this video I see the light within her. As I look at her sweet innocence her words "It's a Shine" bring a light and smile to my face :)) It inspires me to shine for Jesus. Let's all go out and shine today :)) God is so good and will bring good out of everything. Even if you are in the midst of despair and a trial there is hope, just look for his LIGHT and many times we find that HEALING light in others.

As the anniversary of her death approaches this means so much to me. In reality it was meant to be a gft for my children, something I wrote about them to show them who they were to me and all the wonderful qualities I saw in them regardless of their mistakes. But now this is a gift to me , words captured from my heart and I can only pray they touched hers.

Becky, the fire alarm, and the coyote

As I was reminiscing about my teaching years I was reminded of another story that concerned Becky. As I said Becky and I were attached at the hip for the year she attended the school where I taught. Where ever I went, she went and I typically held her hand to keep control of her. One day during lunch we were returning from the cafeteria to my room. I was holding Becky’s hand but she began to lead me, I was somewhat distracted and just followed her as she walked across the hall and pulled the fire alarm on the wall. As the alarms began to ring through the halls I was shocked because my whole reason of holding her hand was to avoid things like this and she did right under my nose with me attached to her!!

 The fire alarm going off caused mass confusion and chaos because it was lunch time!! Fire drills don’t happen during lunch!! This offense warranted a trip to the principal’s office and Becky was really scared. When we I got there I learned he was very upset with both of us!! At first he asked me how she got away from me to do this and then I had to confess I was holding her hand when it happened. He looked at me incredulously, shook his head and moved on to Becky. As he tried to talk with Becky he got increasingly more frustrated because Becky was special and regular discipline did not work with her. Lecturing her went nowhere; she was just being typical Becky pacing his office while flapping her arms and making nonsense noises. I thought about telling him to try the hominy behavior modification plan (to lighten the mood ) but he was much too upset with both of us so I thought it was best to refrain and keep silent. Finally in desperation he threw his arms up and said “Mrs. Washington just take her for awhile , go drive around or something” I looked at him as if he was crazy and asked “Take her for a ride? In my car ?!!!!“ Where I had taught before you NEVER took a student for a ride in your car, but as I said this was a different world and much of the time I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. He looked at me sternly and said “Yes take her for a ride, I NEED A BREAK”. “YOU NEED A BREAK!!! IF ANYONE NEEDS A BREAK I DO” is what I wanted to say but I decided to keep quiet and do as I was told.

 Becky and I stood up and I grabbed her hand, which was now second nature to me, and we left. As I was walking down the hall to leave the building I remained focused and on my toes to make sure nothing happened on my watch again. Becky and I got into my green Mazda 626 and I began to feel better. It was my new car and I was so proud of it. It was the nicest car I had ever owned and I loved everything about it : the sunroof, the color , and the tan leather seats.

 Thankfully by this time I knew my way around this one horse town. As I said I had never been in a town so small, my sister lived in Panhandle TX and I thought that was small until I came here. The first year as Special Education Coordinator I made a home visit to have a parent sign some important paper work because after several attempts the papers were never returned. She did not have transportation and it was imperative we had the student’s folder in order. I finally called and asked her if I could come by and have her sign the papers. She agreed. As I left that day to drive to her home I asked for directions , everyone in the office seemed to know where they lived. I was expecting regular driving directions like we get today on a GPS or MapQuest or directions I would have gotten in Dallas or Amarillo . That is what I expected but this is what I got , everyone in the office helped with the directions (remember I was in the Twilight Zone ) : ‘ take the oil top road behind the school and drive until you go by the Miller’s pasture, there is a black and white cow that is usually by the fence and an old barn that used to be red, you will then see a gravel road and take a right , keep on driving past the Jones’s double wide, you will know it is theirs because there will be goats in the front yard . Take a left on the next oil top road and you will see the Anderson’s home , it sets back off the road but there is a huge oak tree in front with a tire swing.’

I felt more lost than before and had to ask the definition of an oil top road and doublewide!! Needless to say I had to drive back to the school after about a half an hour of getting lost and have someone drive me. I was thankful being a bus driver wasn’t one of my duties; I didn’t know how the bus drivers drove their routes.

 But by my 2nd year at the district I could drive those country roads without getting lost. So Becky and I set off. She was not very happy about this arrangement and I really didn’t care. I buckled her in the back seat and began to drive; ever so often I would glance at Becky in my rear view mirror. She was muttering under her breath and calling me a bitch as usual. I just ignored her and listened to my Smash Mouth cassette. Ignoring her seemed to make her madder and she looked at my eyes in the mirror and said “ I am going to jump out of this car you *%$^* bitch”. This concerned me somewhat because I didn’t know if I had child safety locks on my doors. But I had learned some valuable information and information is power. The information I had obtained from her foster home was Becky not only feared hominy but she was deathly scared of coyotes too. So as she repeated her threat of jumping out of my car while trying to unbuckle her seatbelt I looked at her in the rear view mirror and said “Go ahead but if you do a coyote is going to get you!! “ Her eyes got as big as saucers and she gave me the same look she did the first time I put the hominy on my desk and muttered “Bitch” then settled back in the seat. Best of all she didn’t threaten to jump out again. And then in a blink of an eye as if nothing had happened she said “I love you Mrs. Washington” and I knew the episode had passed. She then asked if we could listen to “Walking on the Sun” by Smash Mouth. It was her favorite song so I turned it on . We drove down those country roads with the windows down and my sun roof opened singing at the top of our lungs, then we went back to school.

 There were other times that I had to take Becky for a drive to deescalate some situations and even one time we went with the principal in his car and listened to Tom Petty’s Greatest Hits. That is just the way it was there, it was a different world.

Becky and the Hominy :))

As I was driving home from work my mood was lifted as a memory surfaced from when I was a teacher. It made me laugh out loud in my car. I hope it makes you laugh as well.

When we moved back to the Dallas area in 1996 I got a job as the Special Education Coordinator for a very small district. The elementary, junior high, and high school were in the same building . K-12 was about 300 students.  I was so very proud of this position but I had never lived or worked in such a small town. It was a different world but I grew to love it . I was in that district for four years until I became a drug addict and they asked me to leave:))

 As the special education coordinator for this very small district my duties also included teaching in the elementary school . As part of the reorganization of the Special Ed. Department I introduced content mastery and inclusion to the district mainstreaming many of the students in the program but the students with more severe challenges spent their days with me.

 There was one student that we will call “Becky”. She was 10 years old and lived in a group foster home on the outskirts of town. Becky‘s story was heartbreaking and she had suffered years of neglect and abuse. I hate the use of labels but I don’t know how else to describe Becky. After much testing she was classified as Emotionally Disturbed , Autistic, and Mentally Retarded. She was also basically non verbal although she did talk some but not much. Becky spent all day everyday with me. We were attached at the hip so to say. Becky’s behavior could be very challenging to say the least.

 Becky would get very upset and keeping her on task seemed impossible. Becky threw many tantrums. Students with behavioral problems were not new to me , this is what I had excelled at when I taught in Amarillo. It seemed I had success with the most challenging students. I loved them and wanted them to succeed. I now know God gave me a heart for them but Becky was my greatest challenge. As I said she wasn’t very verbal but when she was she would use her limited words to cuss me out :)) It was shocking to see this sweet little 10 year old girl use the language she did. She would look me in the eye and call me a “bitch” when she got mad . I tried all kinds of behavior modification programs rewarding her for good behavior but they all failed. Only one thing worked and it was basically a threat. For some reason Becky hated hominy . I don’t know why and I don’t know where this fear of hominy came from but she despised it. I honestly don’t know how I learned of this either but I thank God I did. So after countless behavior plans failed I turned what I called the hominy plan. I bought a few cans of hominy and kept them in my desk drawer. One day Becky was out of control and not listening. After countless attempts to get her on task she looked me in the eye and called me a “bitch”. At that moment in frustration and anger I reached into my desk drawer and pulled out a can of hominy and put it on my desk and told her if she didn’t sit down this was going to be her lunch. Her eyes got big and she looked fearfully at the hominy and then gave me a dirty look. I told her I wasn’t kidding and as dramatically as possible I pulled out a can opener laying it beside the hominy. She looked at the hominy again then looked me in the eye and whispered “bitch” as she walked back to her desk and sat down. IT WORKED!!! From that moment on I always kept hominy in my classroom. Becky never had to eat it because she always minded when I pulled out the can, she would still call me names under her breath but that improved with time as well.

 A lot of the time she was a sweet girl and I would praise her when she did well. Plus when she wasn’t calling me a bitch she would run and hug me saying “ I love you Mrs. Washington” and I would hug her too and tell her I loved her. I know we weren’t supposed to do that but I felt a lot of this little girl’s problems stemmed from not feeling loved so I tried to show her that I really cared and I honestly did.

 I really miss teaching sometimes. Remembering this story made me laugh and smile.

The People God Brings Into Our Lives

We have all had them. People God brings across our paths to minister to or for them to minister to us. Seemingly out of the blue, seemingly random but we know it was God appointed. It is amazing how He works. My very first experience with the “randomness” of God happened in 2006. I briefly shared part of my story at New Hope one Sunday. I spoke for about 10 minutes. It was my first time to ever speak in front of a crowd, much less a church, and share my story. It was hard to share all the things I had done but I did it. When I was done I felt a sense of satisfaction that I stood up and admitted all my failures. The reaction and support I received from the congregation that day was amazing, it is a day I will never forget.

 Later that night the Jensen’s ( whose inspiring walk with God during the tragic loss of their son Alex is what finally opened my eyes to Jesus)  dropped by my house and told me of something that happened that morning after I spoke. A young man approached a group of men for prayer. He had just gotten out of prison and had come to Wylie for a funeral. He had no plans to go to church that day but for “some reason” did. He had drugs in his pocket and planned on getting high after leaving. As he prayed with the men he gave them the little baggie of dope to throw away. That without a doubt was a divine appointment from God.  God used my story to help that man; I never even spoke to him directly. I was amazed by this because I had no idea. It my first glimpse into God’s power working in such a mighty way. Working in such a mighty way through me. I was pumped. As far as I know that was the first that God has brought across my path for me to minister to (even if it was indirectly)  I love how HE connects the dots. His timing is perfect.

In the past year as I have been walking out the grief from my own tragedy of losing Alexis HE has connected we me with many beautiful people. It has really been amazing and through these connections I have made lifelong friends.  Until this past year I had never heard of the Caring Bridge site but through God’s divine appointments I have followed 3 people that I had contact with before horrifically tragic events occurred in their lives. At first I began to feel there was a pattern: see Susan then something bad happens. But God quickly replaced that lie and simply said “people need to hear your story and see MY strength in you” HE said “Your story gives hope” It was almost audible.

There has been one CaringBridge site I have followed from the sidelines because I didn’t really know this girl at all. I learned of her tragedy through a friend. On January 7, 2013   I spoke at Rockwall Heath High School. When I was in the classroom my dear friend Kristie Smith called me and asked me to pray for a friend of hers who was in a horrible accident . I immediately prayed. Later I learned her two young girls died as the result of the accident and she was paralyzed . My heart broke and I continued to pray following her recovery on Caring Bridge. From afar I admired  her strength and was inspired by her faith. Feeling a connection to her  but not knowing what to do. So  when I don’t know what to do , I pray until I do. I pray until I hear from God.

God got in touch with me this week through my dear friend Kristie Smith. Kristie texted me and  let me know she had gone to visit Dawn  at her home and was amazed !!. She took her on a tour of the house and showed her the girl’s school room where she home schooled them. The room was decorated in OWLS. Kristie immediately felt a connection with Alexis. When I learned this I knew this was a sign that God wanted me to meet this girl.  I immediately let Kristie know and she felt the same way so we made a decision.  In June Kristie and I are going Mt. Pleasant. I’m not sure what God is up to : ))  I don’t know if it is for me to minister to her or for her to minister to me but I am thinking it is both : )). But it was another amazing OWL sighting. All I know is when I heard the news that the young girls had died I had an overwhelming feeling that Alexis greeted them in Heaven .

Did we answer the call? It could be calling someone who is lonely and discouraged and something just nudges you to do so, and you know that nudge is from the Lord. Or, it could be someone who is in a critical crisis and you are the one God uses to help them through.

June 7, 2012- A different view

Awhile back I had asked a few people to write their memories of the day Alexis died.  I only know it from my view, from my perspective. I thought it would be healing to look at it through another lens and it was. This is from my friend Jill Crowe and her recollection of the day. It brought clarity and confirmation. There are some parts I don’t remember but most of all it brought HEALING.  As I read it I broke down repeatedly but the tears were healing tears. Just so thankful for the people God has put in my life. I love you Jill Crowe.  I haven’t received the others and I’m not sure what I am going to do with this : God has given me a glimpse of a vision but I have to wait until he shows me more.

Susan,

Thank you for asking for my input on the day that Alexis passed away.  Knowing her, her passing and the events that followed have had such a profound effect on me, I think this may be a bit cathartic.  I am a bit nervous writing anything for you, but I know that you will overlook my simple writing – cuz ya love me : )

If God leads you to use this, feel free to make any changes that you see that need to be done.  I’ll warn you ahead of time, in college a professor asked me if I grew up in a foreign country.  I replied “Yes, in fact, Germany!”  He said I wrote my papers like my first language was something other than English.  I never told him I went to American, English speaking schools.  So, here goes.  I’m just gonna write it like I am telling it to you, ok?

On the morning of Alexis’ accident my friend who helps with the house came over and as we had coffee she told me about a car accident on Parker road that must have been pretty serious.  I could see on her face that it concerned her but she didn’t go into details, she just said it had to have been bad.  About 30 minutes later, you called and I missed the call so I called you back.  You said that Alexis had been in an accident and that you were on your way to the hospital. I asked if the accident was on Parker Road and I don’t remember your reply but you asked why.  I really didn’t want to tell you how serious my friend had said that it was, I’m not even sure what I said to you, I just remember saying I was on my way.  I got dressed in the clothes lying over the bathtub, I don’t even think I brushed my teeth or combed my hair.  On the way there I think I put on my blinkers thinking the police would understand why I was speeding. I wondered if I needed to bring you coffee and I called.  When you answered the phone, you didn’t say hello, you just said “Jill, she’s gone, they said she is gone, she died.” I was on Plano Parkway in front of the Racetrac gas station near 75.  I felt a cold wash over me.  The view I had looking out my windshield feels like it will be forever etched in my mind.  I needed to get through that intersection and down the hill on the other side of 75 and it felt like I was taking forever to get to the hospital. I don’t remember how the entire conversation went but at some point, you talked about getting some cigarettes and I could hear Sammy cry out “NO!!! No Mom, please no. No cigarettes!”  You agreed with him in such a tender and understanding way. It was so sweet, like you would do for him whatever he needed. 

I think it was during this conversation that you asked me to please hurry and just get there.  The emotion I still have, hearing your desperation in my mind still pulls at my heart and I feel utterly helpless.

Being in the emergency room comes back in flashes of memory rather than a smooth beginning and end.  You, Sammy and Shelby were in that little consultation room – an area of limbo – not in the waiting room and not in the treatment area.  You and Sammy were sitting on the couch and Shelby was in the one chair, all of you crying, and you trying hard to comfort Sammy.  I tried to comfort you and felt completely inadequate. I remember realizing then just how small and petite your body is.  I reached across your narrow shoulders and feared crushing you with a hug.  At one point you told Sammy “We are going to get through this.  We are strong now.  This is so sad. We are going to get through this!”  Sammy repeated a number of times “I don’t believe this, I just don’t believe this.”

People started showing up right away.  I remember Lynn, Jake, Keith, Patti, Mr. and Mrs. Washington, Angela and then Hailey and Beck.  It was so heartbreaking seeing them digest what they feared most.

The nurse/social worker who gave us information had discussed with you seeing Alexis.  I remember you saying “I have to see my baby!  She is my baby, I have to see her!”  I wanted to just walk you back there right then and find her on our own – I couldn’t imagine one of my kids being in a car accident and knowing I was only feet away from them and not being able to be next to them.  Finally, we decided to walk back with the nurse, and I don’t remember if Patti was with us the first time.  As we entered the ER treating area the nurse said if you change your mind, its ok.  As we took each step I began to feel more and more outside of reality.  There was such an intense need to see Alexis along with the fear of facing the reality of her death.  I think I whispered to you a couple of times that you can change your mind as we walked, perhaps I just wanted to say it, I’m not sure.  I do know though, that the first time we walked back there, you changed your mind when we were only feet from the door.  The moment you turned around to return to the little room, it appeared as if you were gathering yourself, getting ready, gaining strength.  I’m not sure how long it was before we went back again, but I am pretty sure Patti was with us.  You were so strong.  When the nurse opened the door you went straight to Alexis’ face and talked to her.  You told her how much you love her, you told her you were sorry.  You mentioned to the nurse that she had another earring (I think in the top of her ear).  I think you stroked her hair.  Your cry was more painful than any I have ever heard.  We stayed for three to five minutes I think.  We returned again with Sammy, Beck and I think Hailey and Shelby.  You were so strong for them.  I could see you wanting to just make everything ok for Sammy and Hailey.

At some point you and I were the only ones in the consultation room and you looked me in the eye and told me that I needed to stay away from you, that you were cursed, that bad things happen to the people you love.  I could see how real this must have felt to you at the moment, I could see that fear in your eyes and it was real. The pain was crushing when I multiplied losing Alexis with this feeling of being cursed.  I also knew though that I have only grown from knowing you and from watching you grow.  And I knew too that you have only blessed me and every other person you minister to.  I just could not find words though.

Two county sheriff deputies came and wanted to try and comfort you with information that they had and let you know they would need to talk at some other point.  I think they basically just wanted to give you a business card initially.  They brought us to that side room…and hey, come to think of it, was I just following you around everywhere you went?  Why did I follow you back there?  As I think of these two sheriff guys I remember some feelings of anger, like I wanted them to stay away from you at first.  But I know I changed my mind about them by the end of their visit.  Anyhow, they pulled some chairs up for us and Keith stood behind us and you started asking questions, specific questions which I think surprised the sheriff guys. Before they even described the accident I think you asked about the other driver. As they described her tires as being low on tread you said “I should have bought her new tires! Oh no. But wait, God already knew the number of her days!  He already knew, isn’t that right Keith?”  I turned and saw Keith’s expression which spoke volumes to me about you in the midst of this loss – he was at a loss for words.  He wanted to comfort you but I think your words comforted him. His reply I think was just “Yes, yes.”  The sheriff guys continued to explain the accident and you asked them to tell the man driving the other car that you did not blame him, that he should not feel guilty.  I wish I could remember the exact words the sheriff guys said, they were blown away by your empathy.  So was I.  So was Keith. 

When it appeared there was nothing more to do at the hospital we planned to come to my house to be together and whatever happens from there.  You looked at me and asked if it was ok, I couldn’t imagine being away from you guys at the time so I was just grateful!  We stopped at the Starbucks on Parker and Alma and I got two of your coffees and headed toward Wylie.  At some point after leaving the hospital you had asked about going to the wreck site and wondering if that was a weird thing to do.  I didn’t think it was weird at all.  When we got to the site I could see your mind trying to figure the wreck out.  You were kind of thinking out loud about what might have happened and combining the information the sheriff guys told us. You picked up a piece of the door handle and cried.  You said a number of times how it just did not make sense.  None of it did.

We went to my house and people showed up there.  Danielle, Renate and Amada came and brought boxes of food and paper goods.  Lynn was there as well as Kerri Jensen who helped with so many of the logistics.  When it came time to discuss a burial or a cremation I wanted you to take a break from it all but you said you really wanted to get things planned and figured out.  I just wish I could have plucked you out of the room, out of the house and out of the entire situation.  I made some phone calls to funeral homes and crematoriums and came up with the plan that was affordable.  None of it sounded like a good idea, both burial and cremation just sucked.

After the candle light service I came home and I think you guys went to dinner.  When you came back I hardly knew what to say.  You were tired and asked if I had some pajamas.  After you put them on I realized again just how tiny you are.  You were so petite, so fragile, and I hated the thought of you being in that room by yourself.

In the morning you shared that you did not sleep much because you just could not stop crying.  I wish I could have been in there with you.  But you also shared some things you got from scripture and from God and again, you amazed me.