Prayers for Nancy

Zephaniah 3:17

New King James Version (NKJV)

¹⁷ The Lord your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing

On Aug.18 when I spoke at the annual luncheon for the Women’s Ministry of the First Baptist Church of Carrollton my friend Nancy Howard recited this scripture to me and said God gave it to her for me that morning. It had a major impact on me because it was the scripture that Rita Armenta used when we ministered at the prison together.  I ran and got my phone, writing the verse down in my notes. It is still there,   Zephaniah 3:17 written on August 18 at 10:52 a.m.  We hugged after that and she wished me luck before I shared my story. As we embraced I thought back to late March when I met with Beverly, Brenda, and Nancy at Café Brazil in Carrollton to share my story, it was that night they selected me as their keynote speaker for this annual event. A lot has happened in my life since that night in March but I was standing strong in the Lord and the power of his might. After hugging me Nancy told me how sorry she was about Alexis’ death and that she had really wanted to attend her service but was out of town. I was so blessed by her love, compassion, and concern that morning.  After the luncheon I felt so grateful to have met these wonderful ladies and made it a goal to stay in relationship with them.

It would be a few days later that I learned Nancy was attacked and shot in her garage at around 9 p.m. on the evening of August 18 at her home in Carrollton.  I began to pray without ceasing for her recovery and to follow her Caring Bridge site. It was stunning to realize I now have two Caring Bridge sites to follow: Barbara and now Nancy. I was just shocked that I had two friends who had been shot in tragic situations in the month of August. My thoughts were “What is this world coming to?” and I began to pray more fervently for Barbara and Nancy.

Last night Nancy’s story was on the news and my heart broke for her and her family again. As I prayed I thought of the scriptures below. We are in spiritual warfare during these times and we need prayer warriors to intercede. Please pray for we are in a battle with the rulers of the darkness of this age. So many dark things are happening right now, just look at what happened to my Alexis, Barbara, and Nancy. It is a dark  world out there but HIS Word always brings us hope and we need to cling to what is written in John 16:33 “ These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation: but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world”

2 Corinthians 10:3-6

New King James Version (NKJV)

³ For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. ⁴ For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, ⁵ casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, ⁶ and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled.

Ephesians 6:12-15

New King James Version (NKJV)

¹² For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,^[a] against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. ¹³ Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

My healing journey :))

Not long ago I went back to see Alexis' car because I needed to see it. It was a very emotional experience that I captured on video. I just wanted to share it with all of you. I had posted this on Facebook but couldn't upload it to this site until now.

My Healing Journey from Susan DeFace Washington on Vimeo.

The first cut is the deepest

Alexis and I were alike in so many ways but I think she was stronger or at least she was more courageous, standing up for what she believed in regardless of what people thought. I think having Riley so young helped develop that courage. Also things didn’t come easy for Alexis , she tried so hard at everything and for some reason it never worked out for her. I would pray that she would make the team, be elected cheerleader, ace the audtion but it never happened for her.  She would be heart broken initially  but than she would try again, she never gave up. I really admired that quality in her. I believe those struggles helped to develop her into the person she became  but there was a time I was really concerned. I had forgotten about this and I don’t know why it came to the surface of my mind but felt led to share it because I believe many young women suffer from this.

When Alexis was a freshman  she began to go out with a boy and it was a very unhealthy relationship . It was very emotional and volatile most of the time. Alexis thought she was in love, well I really think she knew it wasn’t love but she felt she needed him for some reason. There were so many times she was hurt during this relationship and there were many times she did the hurting , as I said it was very volatile. I think they were both abusive. I didn’t worry about him hurting Alexis , I worried more about her going off on him. So her freshman year was like a roller coaster of emotions. But I also learned at this time she had some pain that ran very very deep and she didn’t know how to deal with it. Shockingly I would learn she dealt with it by cutting herself.

One afternoon her and this boy got into a huge fight. I think he would say very hurtful things to her. She was so tough but she was also so very sensitive, it was a rare combination.  This particular day he left after a huge blow up saying he was done with her, that was  all I heard but I knew there was more to it because Alexis was so upset. I  wondered what he had said to affect her that way, I could see the pain in her eyes. All I knew was they must have been words that cut very deep. All of the sudden Alexis ran off crying and I went after her. I looked for her everywhere and couldn’t find her. I got in my car and drove around but still couldn’t find her anywhere . After awhile I was beginning to panic that she had done something drastic when she came running in trying to hide her pants. She was still wearing her khakis from school but something was all over the thigh area in the front and I couldn’t figure out what it was. It looked as if she had put a red permanent marker in her pocket and that it had leaked but that didn’t really make any sense then  I looked again  and  I knew it was blood.

 Bringing my hand to my mouth I asked her what on earth had happened , how she had gotten hurt but then I noticed her pants weren’t torn. I just looked at her wondering what on earth had happened and then  I saw the razor in her hand. The realization came to me that  had cut herself and I began to shake because I was so scared. We both cried as we cleaned up her wounds and I asked her why she would do that to herself, although I understood . I understood because I had done the same thing before except I didn’t have the courage to cut so deep.

She had gone into the O'reillys Auto Parts Store, went into the bathroom and cut her legs very deep.  I really wasn’t sure what to do or say but I understood her pain because there were many times  I would take a knife and cut myself when the emotional pain and hurt became unbearable. The only difference is I couldn’t ever cut deep, mine were always surface wounds that looked more like scratches on my wrist. Alexis’ cuts would cause scarring that she would hate and be self conscious of for the rest of her  life wishing she would have chosen a different way to deal with her pain. But I don’t think she could see another way out a and at the time I just wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening hoping if I didn’t acknowledge it  then it wasn’t real

Maybe she hated the pretense we lived in for so long pretending everything was okay when it wasn’t .  Alexis liked to walk in truth. I don’t think it is a coincidence that her cutting ended as I grew closer to the Lord .  Because as I began to walk in the light sharing my pain I know I was a better mother. Before that I raised my kids in the same way I was raised- No matter what pretend everything is okay and nothing bad is happening but Most importantly NEVER talk about anything going on behind these walls.

I’m not sure how often she cut but it seemed to end after she got pregnant with Riley . One day I found a container with blades and she said I could throw it away that she didn’t do that anymore and I threw them in the trash. It was a phase I guess and I understood it. 

 In the same way my self abusive behavior ended as well.   Also as I got involved in church my kids got involved in youth. Another factor that made a difference was Alexis finally found something she was really good at and that she enjoyed. She was in the class where they sewed and Alexis loved it. Not only did she love it she excelled at it. Her teacher loved her and was so proud and amazed at how good Alexis was at this. Alexis had found her sweet spot.  Her passion and talent had come together and she found success and received positive recognition. Her outlook changed and I think the pain finally eased. Looking back you can see God at work in her life and all of our lives.

June 7, 2012- The Day that Finally Ended

He said I work full time and I want Riley, she  is my daughter. I think my mouth dropped open and I looked at him  putting my hands in the air and said “hold up, first of all this is not the time for this conversation  , I JUST LOST MY DAUGHTER TODAY !! And secondly if you had a full time job Alexis would have been receiving child support because she has had a case against you with the Attorney General for years. “  I couldn’t believe he had just done that to me, I was shaking . Riley came running between us grabbing my legs then twirling around and my heart melted with love for her and I vowed to protect her in any way I could. At that moment the girl with Riley’s bilogical father hit him and screamed in an angry voice “Tell her who you are , Tell her who you are “ I then screamed “NO” gently pushing Riley towards  Jill , Mel, Lisa, and Delaine.

 I just was in shock that someone could speak to me in that way hours after my daughter died and how another could want a complete stranger to reveal to a precious three year old that he was her father, a father who NEVER came to see her. Riley just lost her mother: her rock, her anchor, her everything .

My heart always hurt for Riley because she didn’t have a Daddy and I wondered how we would address this issue when she got older. I always thought Alexis would meet someone who would love her and Riley  and Riley would finally have a daddy but until then she would just have her “different kind of family” as Alexis would say. And although we are different there is a lot of love especially a lot of love for that precious three year old that captured all of our hearts when she was born in 2008. She had spent her whole life living with her Mi Mi, Papa, Hailey, Momma, and Sammy. That was the family she knew and I know she felt and feels secure in being loved . That little girl is adored but I wondered how that amazingly intelligent little brain processed about a “ Daddy”. She would talk about Tony being Kendall’s daddy but she never once said who is my daddy , why doesn’t he love me, why doesn’t he ever see me. Maybe God was protecting her  because she never asked , I think she just felt complete in the family in which she lived and Alexis loved her so much trying to make up for the absentee father.  In my opinion she was successful because Riley never missed her missing Daddy and I was not about to let anyone plant a seed in her mind on the day her mother died . I looked at both of them wondering if they had hearts and said a prayer remembering the Bible says in Matthew : But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" - Jesus of Nazareth, as recorded in Matthew 5:44 (NIV translation). So I said a prayer and walked away. Minutes later I looked back and saw Hailey and the biological father having words, well it seemed like Hailey had all the words and her huge fiancé was standing behind her  ready to protect. I think Tony’s presence dissuaded any response from the biological father.  As  I watched Hailey I began to smile somewhat because that behavior was more indicative of Alexis than Hailey but Hailey was going to step out of her comfort zone to protect her sister’s baby girl , a baby girl  she had loved like her own since she watched her birth  almost 4 years before. Sammy was standing by and then some men from the church went and talked to Hailey not wanting anything to happen . That was the last we saw of the biological father, he hasn’t called or stopped by to even check on Riley. He came in as a tordado wreaking havoc on the worst day of my life then left again leaving us with the after math much like he had done to Alexis when Riley was born.

We left the candle light service and drove by the crash site one more time . It was still so hard to believe that she was gone. She was there one minute and gone the next. As we walked around the site Sammy wanted to make a cross to put at the site and we all agreed. As I was walking back to my car I noticed something goldish tan and knew it was from Alexis’ car. I picked it and held it in my hand turning it over and over. For some reason it made me think of the comforting cross I had sent to my friend , Sharon , who had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Strangely enough it brought me comfort , it fit in my hand perfectly and was part of the car that my daughter died in. I vowed to always carry it and I have kept that vow keeping it in my purse at all times . When I am sad I will pull it out holding it between my fingers and pray. It is my  special comforting  "cross."

We were worn out and had a big day the next day. We had to plan Alexis’ service and we were scheduled for a family viewing at 1:00 at the funeral home in Sachse.  So for the first time since we lost Alexis we went our separate ways deciding to meet at Jill's house in the morning, it would beFriday June 8th. I had decided to sleep at Jill’s and there was a group going to get something to eat at Chili’s . I hugged Sammy, Shelby, Riley, and Warner  then got in the car with Delaine to go eat. About 15 of us went to eat and it was nice to sit in the restaurant and just be with Hailey,  Hailey’s friends, many from my hometeam ,  Delaine, and Melanie ( who is always there for me ). After eating Delaine drove me back to Jill’s and I crawled into bed thinking I would fall asleep easily but it was as if I became more alert . That is when the deep racking sobs began. I don’t know if I have ever cried tears from such a deep place before . It was as if I was in the depths of despair but I didn’t try to fight it I just cried until it hurt but  when I finally quit crying sleep still eluded me and all I could think of was my baby. Her life flashed before my eyes and I began to cry again until I finally dozed off . I would wake every hour on the hour and each time I would be somewhat confused then the reality would set in and the painful sobs would begin again. I prayed for sleep and the next thing I knew is it was about 7 in the morning and I opened my eyes with the sun shining through the curtains. My first thought was at this time yesterday Alexis was still alive , it seemed unreal and then I remembered the  dream I had . I dreamed Alexis was beautiful in a white flowing dress hugging my sister Kathey who was also beautiful in white . The only thing odd about the dream is Kathey was  as I remembered her in her 20’s when she was newly married and began haveing her children. They both shined with the vibrancy of youth and that brought peace to my broken heart. I got up to get ready for my day. It was June 8, 2012 the day after Alexis died.

Alexis Rose - The Candle Light Vigil 6/7/12

As we drove down Brown Street towards  New Hope my stomach began to twist and  turn and I felt very anxious.  It will seem silly but I was concerned no one would be there and that would break my heart for Alexis. I didn’t want her , Hailey, Sammy or her friends who put this together to be hurt.  I kept telling myself that she had just died that morning so the odds of there being many people at this vigil were slim although the news had spread fast. We took a right into the parking lot of the church and I didn’t see many cars and I said a prayer  leaving it all up to God. Then we pulled to the side of the church and there were cars everywhere. There was a big circle of chairs with people milling around and I began to cry softly so very touched by the outpouring of love. We got out of the car and began to walk to the circle. The first person I saw was David Landis, who had been Alexis boyfriend for almost three years. They had not been together in awhile but he was the boy she had loved and Alexis and I had just spoke about him on Tuesday.  David and I hugged and I asked him to sit with us. I could tell he was heartbroken and not sure how to process this loss.

I thought back to my first boyfriend  from 8th and 9th grade dying in March. Hal’s death had a huge impact on me and that was just puppy love so I knew this was going to be hard on David even though they were not together.  I looked across the circle and saw Jennifer and Rachel Speicher and that touched my heart, Alexis and Rachel had been  best friends their sophomore and junior years and although they had drifted  apart there was still a strong bond . Riley informed me she and Mommy had gone swimming over at Rachel’s recently and I was happy about that. Beth and Leah came to hug our necks, they had organized the vigil and I could tell their hearts were just broken.  

Sammy , Hailey, Warner, and I grabbed our candles and looked through the sea of faces. I think someone said they thought 100 + people were there.  Then I looked to my right and saw Riley’s biological  father. I had not seen him in over three years and I didn’t know how I felt about that. He looked upset and I remember Riley running around ,as three year olds do, and I got extremely nervous but then I realized she didn’t know him from Adam. She recognized David, but didn’t know who her biological father was. I don’t think he had seen her since she was a baby. He was just another stranger there and I felt calm again. The most important thing to me was that Riley would not have any more surprises that day and I didn’t think her biological father would do anything to hurt her, he had not made any attempt to see her for the last three years and had not provided any support for Riley. So I didn’t think he would cause us problems but I was so wrong  about that although that came later in the service.

Alan, our children’s pastor, started the service and we all prayed. It meant a lot to me that Alan was there to lead this, he had helped me with some healing therapy concerning my dad and it had been very emotional for all of us. He is a good man with an awesome testimony and I felt honored that he was there to honor my Rosebud. After praying and saying a few things he asked people to come into the middle of the circle and share memories of Alexis. At first people were hesitant but then as one person shared people began to get more comfortable and many shared their thoughts and memories about Alexis. It was so wonderful to hear all about my daughter.

The most common phrase we heard about her  was that Alexis was hilarious and everyone was so happy when she was in their class. They knew it would be a fun  year if Alexis Rose Washington was in it. The next most common statement was Alexis spoke her mind  and didn’t care what anyone thought. That she was bold and courageous and would stand up for those less fortunate. The records she held at Wylie High School were for the most tardies and most consective days in ISS. To date those records have not been broken :) I remember Alexis laughing and saying those would  probably be the only records she ever held, I just laughed along with her. Then the funny stories started and we laughed through our tears. Alexis was such a funny , funny, girl.

I was so touched to see Alexis’ former teacher Mrs. Chapman. Mrs. Chapman  taught the parenthood class and she always loved Alexis. I remember her telling me she never worried about Alexis because Alexis was going to make it . She said “ Alexis has strength, passion, intelligence, and drive !! She will go for” I always remembered those words and would cling to them as Alexis struggled  after graduating. Earlier in the year Alexis was struggling with what she wanted to do and I told her to call Mrs. Chapman and ask her for advice. They had a great talk and I knew Alexis felt better about things. When Mrs. Chapman got up to share she began to cry and I could tell how much she really loved Alexis. My heart was overflowing. The program came to the end and Riley’s father approached me saying he needed to talk. I said a prayer and said okay . I led him away from Riley so she couldn’t hear because I didn’t have a clue to what he had to say. I was shocked by what came out of his mouth …………………………………….......