June 8-10: Tough days ! Not only did I lose my daughter I lost a dear friend

From the Blog :June 8,2012: Seeing Alexis for the last time and the Cross on the side of the Road.

Riley and the others finished the cross and we decided to go put it at the site. First we made a stop at Walmart to by some flowers to put around the cross . We also laughed as we bought a box of Mashed Potatoes ( Alexis’ favorite food) and a bottle of Dr. Pepper ( Her favorite drink ). We loaded back into our cars and drove to the crash site.

After taking the flowers, mashed potatoes , and Dr. Pepper  to the cross we went back to Jill’s. At this point all the time begins to blur together. At some point it was decided we would all wear green because Alexis had such beautiful green eyes. Hailey, Shelby, and I went to Fire wheel to buy new outfits for all of us to wear to her service which would be on Monday June, 11^th. Before I knew it, it was Sunday June 10 the day before we would say goodbye to Alexis.

That Sunday morning we went to the 9:30 service at New Hope and sat on the front row. Walking in I was hugged by friend after friend as the tears continued to flow. One thing I learned through this time is I have an endless supply of tears, I wondered where all that water came from: )). The love and support I felt comforted my breaking heart. Again I thanked my Lord and Savior for leading me to New Hope 7 years before, I shuddered to think how this tragedy would have played out if I wasn’t in the place I was now . The support I received from these people sustained me through this time. It was a perfect picture of what a church should be.  The way the body pulled together was a beautiful Biblical description.

 After church we went to Warner’s parents for brunch and spent time as a family. At this time we started looking at urns for Alexis and urn jewelry so we could all carry a part of Alexis with us.  One of Alexis’ best friends, Haley, had come into town from Kansas for Alexis’ service and she was with us ( Honestly I can’t remember all the details, I think Haley was at church and ate with us but I’m just not positive on this, Haley will read this and let me know : )))

 There would be another candle light vigil in the parking lot of Wylie High School that evening. It was decided we would take Riley to the Princess Park (really the Pirate Park ) so she could play with Haley’s kids then we would go to the vigil.

The vigil was very nice and what struck me the most was the diverse group  of friends Alexis had, each  so called “clique” was represented and represented well. This said a lot about my daughter and the lives she impacted.  I could see the pain and shock on all these young adults’ faces, and their love for Alexis was overflowing.   We made a circle and shared stories about  her and again what stood out the most was she was  such a funny, bold, and  loving young girl.

As I left that evening my heart was somewhat comforted by the love for Alexis but I was still in shock. I left Wylie High School to drive to Rowlett to see my best friends Melanie and Peri.  Peri had flown in from Los Angeles for the service and they were taking me to dinner. On my drive over I talked to another “friend” ,  someone I thought was one of my best friends. We had shared pain, joy, and the ups and downs of life after reconnecting in 2010. This was a heartbreaking conversation for me because I learned my friendship was not important to this person and that I really didn’t matter. My daughter had just died and I felt abandoned and betrayed by someone I thought really cared about me and our friendship but I learned I didn’t matter at all. My heart broke a little more. Since that time we have not had any contact.  It was a tough lesson during my darkest hour but it was a lesson I needed to learn. My God was showing me that HE was the one I needed to lean on and depend on, others would let me down.  Everyone is human with faults and frailties.  That even those who seem the strongest on the outside maybe weak on the inside no matter how high I put them on a pedestal.  And that is what I had done put this friend on a pedestal and that wasn’t fair to anyone, no one could live up to that. So I was at fault and God taught me that. But I will honestly say that there were many moments and there still are that I cry to God and say “Did I have to learn this now?”  BUT again through the pain and disappointment of losing a friendship that was dear to me at the same time I lost my precious daughter God showed me how strong HE is in my weakness. It is certainly amazing.  This is not said to disparage anyone but to make the point that at times we may tend to put others in God’s place and that isn’t right. It can be very dangerous because others will always let us down. I will be very careful to never do that again. I was the one at fault so I was the one hurt.

I pulled up to Mel’s and ran in and hugged Peri. It was so good to see my dear dear friend and I was so thankful she loved me enough to fly to Dallas. My heart was wrapped in the love and tenderness of my friends . We headed out to Primo’s on the lake for dinner and just to spend time together.  What a blessing to have Mel and Peri , who had been my best friends since childhood. They were there to help me, support me, and to sustain me as I “ buried” my child.

We got back to Mels and I went to sleep anxious about what tomorrow would bring. As the sun came through the blinds in my room at Mels the heart wrenching sobs began again. It was June 11, 2012 the day of my daughter’s funeral.

Today marks one of many 1sts without Alexis.

Last night I had a nightmare. It is really the first bad dream I have had in a VERY long time. In the dream my phone rang and it was a police officer saying "-------------- has been in a car accident. I don't know how they are. All I know is it was very bad" The exact same words said to me the day Alexis died but I didn't know who had wrecked and I knew Alexis was already gone. Panicking I asked ...

him who but his answer wasn't clear, I asked again but we were then disconnected. Quickly I redialed but it would not go through. The fear was overwhelming and I began to cry uncontrollably . At that moment , in my deepest despair with such a sense of forboding , a sweet angelic voice jarred me out of my dream saying "Mimi, Mimi !!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH " What a blessing she is in my life.

Today will be the first Halloween without Alexis, she loved Halloween so very much. The other important holidays will soon follow: Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. Those are the ones that stand out , the ones we spent together as a family. So begins a tough leg of our journey. Maybe the sense of forboding in the dream brought to light my feelings on this coming season. But as always GOD intervened and brought joy through my pain:))

The Tough Conversations we all MUST have !!

There are times in life when we must have tough conversations, difficult discussions that we dread. These talks could be confessing something we have done that might hurt a loved one, talking to someone about a behavior we are concerned about, or sharing the mistakes of our past. What makes this so difficult is we are taking a chance and we don’t know the outcome.  It is a risk when we have these discussions because it may change a relationship,  we may not get a job we are seeking, or there may be consequences that are undesirable. But in my opinion it is best to be honest because when we walk in truth we walk in freedom.  I have had to have many tough conversations , in my early life I just avoided them until anger or frustration built up and I exploded saying words I didn’t mean or not being honest about my past because I feared rejection.  Now I take the risk  understanding that the outcome might not be what I want but knowing it is the best to be walk in truth. I tried to pass this on to my children as well because they have seen the redemption and change in my life. Since the death of Alexis I have become friends with a lot of young adults so I thought this might speak to them. There were two instances where Alexis rose to the occasion and had those tough talks.  They have been on my mind so thought I would share them with you.

Alexis held two records at Wylie High School: )) One was for the most tardies and the other was for the most consecutive days in ISS (this title was achieved when she was VERY  pregnant for hitting a girl in the cafeteria and pouring a Dr. Pepper over her head ! I can’t tell you the number of times I would get a text that said “Mom, I’m in big trouble I hit someone but they deserved it “ and I would reply “ Alexis you have to quit hitting people there are more appropriate and LEGAL ways to deal with conflict”   Alexis was a fighter in every sense of the word !  She had such spunk.  From the time she was a toddler I just knew that the traits she possessed that were so difficult for us as parents were the ones that would set her apart. She had such inner strength and vulnerability at the same time it was a beautiful combination. I just knew God had big plans ………………………………………and HE did they just weren’t the plans I thought HE had)

But today I want to talk about the tardy record and how that led to a tough conversation.  Because Alexis had so many tardies , SHE ALWAYS HAD FRIDAY NIGHT SCHOOL !! ( I’m sure she had a record for that as well : ))) Friday night school was a given the only question was if it was a two hour sentence or a four hour one. Each Friday I knew I would need to pick her up at around 6 or around 8. One Friday about 5 o’clock I received a call from Alexis saying she would be home shortly, that surprisingly they didn’t pick her up for Friday night school.  Warning bells started going off in my head and I began to question her. (She was never a good liar, I could usually hear the lies in her voice ). Her next story was they came and got her for Friday Night School but they let her go. I knew that was nonsense and I asked her to tell me the truth,  she finally did.  Here was her version.

As the day neared the end on that Friday afternoon the students sentenced  to Friday Night School were taken out of class and put in a holding room where they were counted and attendance was taken. The next step was to be transferred to the class room designated for the punishment. This is where Alexis planned her escape. When the supervisor left the room, which left the students unattended for a brief moment, Alexis climbed into a cabinet and pulled the doors shut, she fit perfectly. Shortly after she hid the students were taken from that room leaving Alexis behind  in the cabinet.  She waited a period of time , then climbed  out of the cabinet and left the room running to freedom out of the school. She was never missed . Her great escape was a success until she called me and ultimately confessed. Holding back laughter and a little pride at her cleverness ( the criminal in me was impressed) , I told her she would have to turn herself in and confess to Ms. Morisak on Monday.

The following Monday when I dropped her off I reminded her to have that tough conversation . She reluctantly agreed. I told her to call me after the confession  and waited patiently for the call which finally came, a call from Alexis and a call from the Assistant Principal. Alexis  asked Ms. Morisak if she could talk to her for a moment and sat down and confessed her crime. If I remember correctly even Ms. Morisak had trouble not laughing and was surprised because she didn’t have a clue,  as far as everyone was concerned Alexis was present for Friday Night School !! Alexis was praised for being honest but she was punished for her behavior, as she should have been . Her punishment was more time in ISS. It was a very proud moment for me because she did the right thing even though she knew she would get in more trouble .  Knowing how much she hated ISS I knew this was  an extremely difficult conversation  .  I think she felt proud of herself too. It’s a given you feel better about yourself when you do the right thing even if the right thing gets you in trouble : ))

Now let’s fast forward a couple of years :  Alexis is out of school , struggling , trying to find her way in life. She had completed a Dental Assistant Program through Collin College hoping to find a job but those hopes faded fast as she sent out resume after resume only to be rejected each time. Being a young single mom was tough and without a job she was feeling very discouraged . One night she went to a party and made the mistake of drinking and driving. She got pulled over and arrested for DWI. This was another blow for her but being the fighter she was she never gave up.  Finally last year  a job opportunity with a church presented itself .  It was with the maintenance staff but was good pay with the possibility of benefits and could led to bigger and better things. It was a step in the right direction . As Alexis prepared for the interview she asked me if she should tell them about the DWI .  My response was “ Alexis I know this will be tough but it is best to  be honest: first it is the right thing to do because the application asks if you have ever been arrested and secondly  if you aren’t upfront and honest you will always be looking over your shoulder wondering if they will find out” She began to cry saying  “ But what if I don’t get the job because of this, I need a job so badly “ I just looked at her and said we could pray but that in my opinion she needed  to be honest . There was a chance she wouldn’t be hired because of this but that was a chance she needed to take. Not sure what she would do I drove her to her interview because her license was suspended because of the DWI. I waited outside the church as she ran in for her interview praying it would be a success. About 30 minutes later she returned with a smile of relief on her face.  I asked her what happened.  She had the tough conversation and  told him the truth. He said he admired her for her honesty .  He then told her after he ran her background check  he would be in touch. A few weeks later he called and offered Alexis the job. I’ll never forget the excitement in her voice when she called me saying she got it. This job was a turning point in her life. She felt better about herself, had some money in her pocket,  and saw hope for her future. Plus I believe on some level she felt proud because she had that tough conversation and thankfully it worked out well for her but regardless she KNEW it was the right thing to do. 

The irony that my daughter , who held the record  for being tardy at Wylie High School just a couple of years ago, died speeding to work because she was running late never escapes me. It seems she was always running late for most of her short life but one thing I do know is she arrived in Heaven right on time, God’s timing is always perfect :)

So as I said there are tough conversations that we have to have throughout our lives  and although they’re difficult it is best to gather  up the courage and have them .  The easy path is to not say anything and keep it hidden  but that will only be destructive and eat away at you.  If there is a tough conversation that you need to have ask God to give you the words and just do it,  but do it with love and gentleness whether it’s owning up to something you’ve done, talking to someone that you’re concerned about ,or even sharing the gospel with someone who is resistant . Ask God to lead you through it and HE will.

Random thoughts from Alexis' Medical Examiner's Report

Why? , I can honestly say I don't ask Why very often anymore, I used to but now that I'm closer to the Lord I just don't. This is probably because I cling to HIS word and in HIS word it says his thoughts are higher than our thoughts

(ISAIAH 55:9 (NKJV)⁹ “FOR AS THE HEAVENS ARE HIGHER THAN THE EARTH, SO ARE MY WAYS HIGHER THAN YOUR WAYS, AND MY THOUGHTS THAN YOUR THOUGHTS)

 and to not lean on our own understanding.

(PROVERBS 3:5-6 (NKJV)⁵ TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING;⁶ IN ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM,AND HE SHALL DIRECT^[A] YOUR PATHS).

So I accept what I can't change and look for the good HE will bring from our mistakes, pain, and grief, knowing HE will bring good from what was meant for evil.

(ROMANS 8:28 (NKJV)²⁸ AND WE KNOW THAT ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD TO THOSE WHO LOVE GOD, TO THOSE WHO ARE THE CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE) (GENESIS 50:20N (NKJV)²⁰ BUT AS FOR YOU, YOU MEANT EVIL AGAINST ME; BUT GOD MEANT IT FOR GOOD, IN ORDER TO BRING IT ABOUT AS IT IS THIS DAY, TO SAVE MANY PEOPLE ALIVE.)

The reception at the Transplant Services honoring recent donors will be special and I can't wait to see and hopefully meet the ones Alexis helped with her donations at some point. Thankful that the Lord has protected my heart and my mind from the fiery darts of the wicked one. Walking in the love, peace, and compassion that only HE can provide.

With that being said when I get to Heaven I have A LOT of questions I want to ask God and my loved ones. Since Alexis is always on my mind and my baby she will be one of the first I want to question. Here will be my number one question, let me give you a little background:

When I got the Medical Examiners report it was really hard to read (literally because there were so many words that were not part of my vocabulary and figuratively because I was reading about the violent death of my 20 year old daughter ) but surprisingly parts of this report made me smile even laugh because it was SO Alexis :)) I have attached a photo of part of the report, someday I will talk about the rest : ((

 

As you can see it lists what was submitted separately : a left shoe ( the matching one I just put away ), jeans, socks,and the following cut away items hoodie, brassiere, t shirt, and TWO PAIRS OF UNDERWEAR. The two pairs of underwear made me laugh out loud : ))) so that will be my first question to my Rosebud when I enter those pearly gates “ Why were you wearing two pairs of underwear? “ She is still making me laugh, even in her death. I love her and miss her so. Who would have ever thought the M.E. report could make me laugh and smile, but it did. God is so good and HE knew I needed a smile as I read the most devastating report I could ever read. Only HE could do that. As has become common I am laughing through my tears and still wondering “ Why was she wearing two pairs of underwear” I’ll get that answer when I get to Heaven: ) Until then I will just smile and laugh at the memories of my funny, funny girl.

Alexis : Fighter, Defender, Protector

Alexis was always a fighter, ALWAYS. There were times when she was younger that she got really ill and we weren’t sure what the outcome would be. At the time I didn’t realize how serious these situations were. The first was on Feb. 8, 1993. Alexis was almost a year old and this was actually my due date with Sammy.  Alexis had been sick with a cold and I called the pediatrician to get a refill on her cough medicine. As I was talking to the nurse she could hear Alexis in the background and said I needed to bring her in. When I arrived at the doctor’s office on that cold February afternoon I was ushered to back without having to wait. This VIP treatment alarmed me somewhat but I wasn’t really worried about Alex, she was laughing and playing between coughs. The doctor rushed in and put her stethoscope to Alexis’ chest and asked me how long she had been this way and I said for a couple of days. She called in the nurse and had her do a breathing treatment immediately and said this was a critical situation and we needed to get Alexis to the hospital immediately. I was in shock because from all outward appearances Alexis seemed fine other than the cough and the doctor was acting if she was on the verge of death. I began to cry as the doctor called the hospital to get us a room. Alexis was diagnosed with severe infant asthma and spent a week in the hospital. The respiratory therapist said he had never seen a baby fight like Alexis, She HATED the breathing treatments. He always needed help to give her the treatment and would laugh that he couldn’t hold down this FEISTY baby. After that one critical bout with asthma Alexis never had another episode.( A friend I taught with , who knew Alexis’ strong willed personality even at that young age, said Alexis was just not going to let anyone steal her thunder since I was due with Sammy that day, she was determined to keep the attention on herself : ))))

The next scare in the life of Alexis was when she was about two and developed a lump in her lymph node . It alarmed our pediatrician and we were sent to a surgeon to have the lymph node removed and biopsied. This was a very frightening time because we all were scared that Alexis might have cancer. She pulled through the surgery fine and the biopsy came back benign but it was another scare and we were told to watch her closely. As with the asthma, after this one alarming event she never had another issue with her lymph nodes.

Life went smoothly for a little bit but the next event would prove to be the most traumatic for me but would reflect the fight and strength within Alexis. We were living in Rockwall and I was teaching in Campbell . Alex and Sammy weren’t in school yet and Hailey had just completed second grade when this happened. During the summer of that year Hailey had spent the night with a friend in Campbell and on Saturday I was going to drive to pick her up. Alexis wanted to ride with me but I told her no. She got upset but I stood my ground and went back in the house to finish getting ready. I don’t recall what Sammy and Warner were doing but they must have been around the house somewhere.  A little while later as I was about to leave I went on the porch and looked around for Alexis to say goodbye but didn’t see her. As I turned to go back in to find her I heard a faint although frantic scream. I paused because I couldn’t tell where it was coming from, it appeared to be muffled. I started calling her name but would have to stop and stand completely still to hear her. It was the cries and screams of someone in danger but I couldn’t tell where it was coming from. I frantically ran to our shed, I ran to the street, and around the porch screaming her name. I began to cry because I was so scared and couldn’t find her. Her screams were fading, I knew she was in deep trouble but I just couldn’t find her.  I stood on our driveway and concentrated on listening as the whispered screams came one more time. This time it was clearer, I knew I was near. I turned toward my car and walked towards it and heard her better. I grabbed my keys as fast as I could and opened my trunk and there was my baby, screaming for her life, barely breathing. The heat of being stuck in the trunk on that hot July day almost killed her. I picked her up as she gulped in the fresh air through her tears.  We ran in the house and I got a damp cool washcloth and started to wash her sweating face off. As a parent this was my worst moment until Alexis actually died. The fear I felt knowing how close I was to losing her.  She was about to pass out and I know God’s timing was perfect. She didn’t like that I told her “No” so being the strong willed child she was she went through my backseat and “hid” in my trunk. She pulled the seat back to its position so I wouldn’t know. She was going to Campbell with me !!!!  But the seat locked and couldn’t be pushed down from inside the trunk so she was trapped. But she NEVER gave up. What a fighter !!!

These were my thoughts today. I was just thinking how much of a fighter she was. She never lost that fighting spirit and it got her in a lot of trouble at times but I really admired her for that. If you were her family or friend she would defend you to the end : )) I named her well : Alexis means defender or protector and as I looked up the biblical meaning of OWL I found this , which was so very fitting : ))) Heb. bath-haya'anah, "daughter of shouting." Alexis could  certainly shout : ))

There were times I worried about Alexis.  I know it will seem silly but I worried because she was the middle child. Maybe it was because my brother David was a middle child and he committed suicide. Growing up in a dysfunctional alcoholic family I knew the roles  the children  of alcoholics played because I acted out those roles myself :  The oldest being the Hero ( Kathey) , the middle being the Scapegoat ( David), and the youngest being the mascot ( Me). I eventually played all these roles as everyone died.  As I became a drug addict myself those dysfunctional roles invaded my children as well. For some unexplained reason I always had a deep knot of fear about Alexis, I never thought she would commit suicide she was too strong for that but in my irrational thoughts based on my history I was scared something might happen. I didn’t voice it, and I rebuked it , but it was ALWAYS  there . Thinking back maybe it was something I knew deep within my soul .  Maybe in a way God prepared my heart for her  death at such a young age………………………….. I just don’t know but I do know she has made a huge impact in her life and her death. I will cling to that and the knowledge that I will see her one day and she will welcome me into Heaven with open arms when my time comes. As a Facebook friend said “ I think Alexis is on “the welcome committee” in Heaven.