My Rosebud

Alexis and her baby girl Riley !! 2010 Wylie High School Graduate !!

A few days ago I shared about my Hailey and today  I want to share about my Alexis  Rose. When I named Hailey I really wanted to name her Bailey but Warner argued with me about that being a name, he said it was an Irish whiskey and cream based liqueur and not a name for a girl. In hindsight it was probably best I gave in on this one with the history of addiction and alcoholism in our families we needed to steer clear of names referring to alcohol and especially names referring to meth like Crystal : )))  ( I love the name Crystal : ) I am really just trying to be funny:)

When I got pregnant with Alexis I knew I wanted to name her something with Alex in it. My mother’s maiden name was Alexander and I wanted to use that somehow and my mother’s name was Rosemary so I knew I wanted to use Rose. We decided on Alexis Rose because I thought Alexandria Rose Washington was just toooo much. My plans were to call her Alex.  I loved Alex for a girl and when she was born she was our little Rosebud.

Alexis was a little spit fire of a baby and very beautiful. She was born on Feb. 29, 1992 and we knew she would be special. Everything surrounding her birth was special. My husband had left on Friday night Feb.28 1992  to go pick up Chinese Food and while he was gone my water broke. In a panic I called my sister but there was no answer and I called all my teacher friends to try to find someone to watch Hailey. No one was at home that Friday night.  Scared because I was alone I called the Chinese restaurant and asked them to find my husband and let me speak to him. Minutes later he was on the line and said he would come home . Crying I told him I didn’t know what to do because Kathey wasn’t home. He said we would figure it out. I started packing a bag for me and Hailey and waited for Warner. Later I saw his headlights pull into our driveway and I was shocked to see Kathey sitting with him in the truck and Carl my brother in law in the car behind. As Warner was leaving the restaurant he looked over and saw my sister eating there !! This was the first time Kathey and Carl had ever eaten at that restaurant !  Now Amarillo is not big city like Dallas but it is still quite large.I believe that was a God thing. I needed Kathey, she was my rock and anchor. Just her presence was calming and I felt peace in my heart when she was near. Warner then took me to the hospital and Kathey took Hailey to Panhandle. Alexis was born hours later.

 People would comment on what a beautiful baby she was and she was full of energy. Where Hailey had been laid back  Alexis was anything but. By nine months she was figuring ways to climb out of the crib. She would hold the side and bounce as high as possible. The only way I can describe it , is she did some sort of vault to get out. I put cushions by the crib because I was so scared she would get hurt. You had to always keep your eyes on Alex.

Alexis hadn’t even turned a year old and I was due with my Sammy. I will never forget on Sammy’s due date which was Feb 8 I called the pediatrician for some more cough medicine for Alexis because the cough she had wouldn’t go away. As I was talking to the nurse she could hear Alex in the background and told me I needed to bring her in. Sighing deeply but not really alarmed I left with Hailey and Alex in tow for the doctor. After arriving at the office we were taken straight back to an examination room as the other waiting patients looked at us angrily. By this point I was a little nervous wondering why we were receiving the VIP treatment. The doctor rushed in and examined Alexis and asked me how long she had been that way. Alexis was smiling and laughing between coughs so I said I didn’t know, I just knew the cough wasn’t’ getting better. The doctor administered a breathing treatment on the spot and called the hospital.  I was instructed to take her there ASAP,  that the situation was critical. Still in shock because Alexis was laughing I gathered up our things and headed to the hospital. At that point I broke down: It was so scary that my baby was critically ill and I didn’t even have a clue, what if I wouldn’t have called the doctor, thoughts like that bombarded my mind, I was due with my third baby and was huge ( in my classroom we would put down tape inside my door and see how far I could stand in my room and my stomach be out the door, it was amazing how far I could be in the room. When my OB would take the tape measure  to measure my stomach in weeks the last visit showed 54 weeks. I WAS HUGE!!!!  I had people tell me I was the biggest pregnant person they ever saw, my stomach stuck straight out. It is hard to describe : )), and I was alone trying to keep up with a four year old and an 11 month old that was deathly ill but felt great wanting to go all over the place. As we walked into the hospital everyone tried to lead me to maternity and I was crying so hard I couldn’t talk. I think Hailey finally told them Alexis was sick.

After getting a hold of Kathey ( my rock ) I felt better , she came to see me and took Hailey home with her. Warner then came when he got off work. Alexis was very sick and spent 4 days in the hospital. I stayed with her during the day and my husband did at night so I could sleep because I could go into labor any minute.  They said it was asthma and they gave her many breathing treatments but she has never suffered another attack. My friend Linda , who I taught school with, said Alexis was just not going to let anyone steal her thunder : )) She knew a new baby was coming and she was going to make sure she got our attention. I think Linda was right.

As Alexis grew she was so very creative. The things she would come up with amazed me. She was and is extremely loyal and loves deeply. She will fight for the rights of anyone she believes is being mis treated. She has no fear !!! She and Sammy were so close in age  ( 11 months apart) they have a deep bond and can relate to each other on levels the rest of us can’t. She could be awfully mean to Sammy too but if anyone else was mean to him when they were very little she would go after them. Of course Sammy grew and could take care of himself but for a short time Alexis was his defender when they were very small. 

School didn’t’ come as easy for Alexis and she was diagnosed with dyslexia but her IQ was VERY high so she could compensate. She was always just so strong willed and adventurous . I remember once Hailey and her friend were having a lemonade stand in Rockwall and they wouldn’t let Alexis participate. So Alexis decided to make her own stand. For some reason Warner  was cooking all these chicken drumsticks , he had bought like two family packages so there were 20 plus at least. Alexis snuck to the grill and took all the drumsticks. She then set up a table on the side of the road and had a drumstick sale. She was so cute holding up the drumsticks  shouting “drumsticks for sale” that her drumstick stand was hit and she made more than Hailey and her friend, now of course our dinner was gone but it was okay we still laugh at the memory.

Another time I remember we got home from Campbell, at this point all the kids were going to school with me and this probably happened during our drug use. We got home and I was locked out of the house. We went around to try every window but nothing was unlocked . I was about to cry when Hailey told me to look on the roof. Alexis who was probably 6 at the time had somehow climbed  up there. She proceeded to tell me she would go down the chimney that if it worked for Santa Claus it could work for her. Screaming I told her “NOOO” because I knew she would do it. She looked at me and pointed her hand out and said “It is a free world and I can do as I please “as dramatically as possible. The dramatics of the situation caused her to sway slightly and then she grabbed the chimney and got scared. Luckily a cable guy was working on a house nearby and brought his ladder and rescued Alexis.

Her heart  is always in the right place but sometimes we just need to channel that energy into more appropriate responses.

Another thing about Alexis is you could never use child psychology on her. We would all be at a store and I would be ready to leave and the kids wouldn’t. In frustration and impatience I would tell them “okay I’m leaving you can stay here “ and start walking out the door . Hailey and Sammy would come running saying don’t leave me Momma hugging me tightly. Alexis would roll her eyes and say “You’re not going to leave me. You might act like you are and you might even go outside but you wouldn’t leave me “ She ALWAYS called my bluff. There was no reverse psychology with her. God gave her a deep wisdom and discernment that I noticed at a very young age..

Alexis has never been a morning person either. The day she graduated from High School I thanked God genuinely that I would never have to get her up again J She is just most productive at night. I couldn’t keep up with her. During the week I would repeatedly tell her to get back in bed but she had so much energy she would get up and start a project. One night I remember I could hear the sound of  duct tape pulling and tearing. It was a continuous sound and I was very curious about what in the world she was up to but I was also VERY tired. I didn’t hear Sammy or Hailey arguing with her so I felt secure that she wasn’t using the duct tape to tape up her brother and sister so I just went to sleep. When I woke up the next morning Alexis was asleep on the couch and beside her on the floor was a pair of shoes and a purse she designed and made out of duct tape.  I picked them up and was just so impressed at her creativity and thinking process. Things would get a lot tougher for Alexis  as she got older.

 To be continued ……………………………………

Update on Saturday, June 9, 2012 at 01:31AM by Susan Washington

I wanted to share this again in the light of My Rosebud's death.  I wrote this blog as a gift to her and I just wanted to share it again.  Thank you for all your support . In Christ,  Susan

Update on Saturday, February 28, 2015 at 11:51AM by Susan Washington

With Alexis' 23rd birthday today I wanted to share this blog again. I wrote this just a few months before she died. So thankful I did that!!

My Hailey

My oldest daughter Hailey is about to have a baby, she is due on March 10. She is so excited and I am too. I can’t wait to see Kendall Grace: )) Every time Hailey calls me I wonder if it is time !!  Even sweet Riley is excited about her cousin’s arrival , she can’t wait to teach her how to play dress up which is Riley’s passion . She is quite talented at the dress up game as you can see by this photo: ))

The excitement and anticipation of Kendall’s arrival has caused me to get sentimental, thinking about my Hailey through the years. Hailey was the sweetest baby and hardly ever cried. She was just so easy. After having her I thought parenting was a breeze. She was very smart and achieved all the milestones (sitting up, standing, walking, talking, etc.) at a very early age.  Her personality was full of life and so engaging. Everywhere we went people talked about how cute she was.  Because of my sister Kathey she was dressed to the nines!!  Kathey was a grandmother/aunt to Hailey just as she was a mother/sister to me. I am so very thankful that Hailey remembers Kathey because Kathey loved all my children so much and it saddens me that Alexis and Sammy may not remember that love which made such a difference but I know Hailey remembers her :)

Hailey and I got really close when we moved back to the Dallas area in 1996. I was hired as the Special Ed Coordinator for Campbell ISD and Hailey was starting 2^nd grade so she went to school with me. The ride to Campbell from Rockwall was about 30 or so minutes so we had a lot of quality time together as we drove even though she was so young. When we first moved back to the area I was probably the healthiest I had ever been because I was feeling so good about my life.

School came easy for Hailey and she had success in that area which always makes things easier, she was well liked and could adapt to any situation. Hailey has and always had many gifts.

As I spiraled into my drug addiction a few years after moving back I saw the toll it took on Hailey. At the pinnacle of our use I watched as my once vibrant little girl isolated herself in her room watching TV endlessly. She was in 6^th grade when we received our drug charges. She describes that day as the worst day of her life when CPS came and got her from school in front of all her classmates.  Her main memory was how sweet her Grandy (my husband’s dad) was to her, he was never one to show much affection but that day he was so attentive to her needs. Those are the recollections she shared with me.

With a wisdom that comes from pain and experience she also realizes that was the best day of her life as well because that is when the truth came out and the changes began. There would be a lot more pain for Hailey because of the choices my husband and I would make but as with all my children she has chosen to walk in forgiveness and love not letting any bitterness take root because  she sees how destructive that can be.

Hailey is so wise and has a discernment that is a gift from God. People can’t fool her.  She might not call them out on it but she can see through their masks and lies. She is empathetic and compassionate to others because she has known so much pain herself. I love her heart!

I am just so very proud of her and who she has become. There were some worrisome times when I feared the choices she was making but I ALWAYS knew how pure and sweet her heart was and prayed she would make the choices she needed to have the life she wants. She has come out on the other side of those troubled times with hope and purpose for her life.  I know she will be a wonderful mom because she is so loving, nurturing, and caring. 

My heart is so joyful right now.

Romans 8:28 tells us And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. And in Genesis 50: ²⁰ You meant to hurt me, but God turned your evil into good to save the lives of many people, which is being done.

Those scriptures have played out in our lives so very many times. When Hailey got in trouble with drugs at school, I know Satan intended that for evil but so much good as come from that. That incident was the catalyst that spurred me into action to seek the Lord which has transformed my life therefore impacting the lives of my children. That incident was the catalyst that opened the door to the truth in our home because we had been paralyzed by a destructive secret that was taking a toll on all of us. Isn’t our God amazing?  

My daughter’s felony charge for possession of a controlled substance at Wylie High School has brought so much good.  I want to share my journal about that time and the destructive secret. It is so important to have open lines of communication with our children. That is the way we tear down walls, when we have those tough conversations we don’t want to have. Here is what was going on :

What we have learned together, my children and I, are how destructive secrets can be and the alcoholic/addict home is full of secrets. Our home was characterized by silence, it is hard to describe because we are a LOUD family, but silence in the sense of the truth about what was really going on.

I will get specific: My husband relapsed on meth not long after I got out of prison, I was hoping and praying the kids didn’t notice so I pretended it wasn’t happening.  Paralyzed by fear I was trying to cover up his drug use.  

Sadly my kids did notice but they didn’t say anything because they were scared we both had relapsed. They were pretending it wasn’t happening therefore not dealing with their fear which kept building . In their eyes, and anyone’s eyes, the odds were I had relapsed. I did before, the only thing was my behavior did not exhibit drug use but they thought I was just hiding it well.

So my poor babies, who had already been through so much, now thought we were both on drugs again. I can’t imagine how hopeless they must have felt. I am sure the scenes from the past replayed in their minds of us both using, getting in trouble, my relapse … so they were trapped with fear.  We lived in silence pretending this wasn’t going on and things began to escalate. As I shared earlier Hailey, my oldest, got caught with drugs at school. When we finally had that gut wrenching talk, she looked at me bawling her eyes out and finally screamed "I know what you and dad are doing; I saw the pipe in the bathroom."  Knowing she must have seen evidence of drug use I screamed back in tears too that I wasn't using, that it was not my stuff. Through tears I promised her I was not on drugs as I hugged her to myself.

She then looked in my eyes and relief washed over her, you could see the change.  How long had she been carrying this burden that we both were on drugs ?? How scared she must have been that her world was about to implode again.  How had that fear and hopelessness lead to her own drug use? How very selfish of me not to be honest because I was scared, I was such a coward.

That is what secrets and lies do and how they impact our children. And I knew this, I grew up in this, and I still turned to denial and pretense as my way to cope because that was the behavior I was so accustomed to. It is hard to change those behaviors that are so ingrained into our DNA, because you don’t notice how messed up they are.  They feel comfortable and to be honest facing the truth is hard and scary but once you face it head on there is freedom.

Finally the truth was out and my kids were so relieved that I was not using. So as always what seemed like a horrible incident, Hailey getting in trouble with drugs at school, was a turning point and the kids and I finally got honest.  Now the kids and I could lean on each other. That was amazing and they felt secure in the fact that I was clean and sober. They watched me closely for a very long time and I let them reassuring them often that I was not using.  We have now come full circle, the other day Sammy looked at me and said I can’t imagine you being a drug addict; I can’t remember you that way. He sees the new me who I have become in Christ. They all do. I love that. 2 Corinthians 5: ¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:^[a] The old has gone, the new is here!

It is amazing to see how far God has brought us. Hailey is in such a good place. I want to share a text she sent to me one evening that I will NEVER delete. It touched me so deeply. She sent this when she got off work late one night , I left it word for word:)  It is priceless, I value this text so very much:) She had just worked a long shift at the Back Nine and had to close. She took the time to send this to me at 4 in the morning. This shows her heart: she was worried about how I felt and didn’t want me to feel guilty so she assured me that she knew I loved her. Isn’t that incredible!! Her text is below :)

Mom i love you so much im sorry you grew up in such a horrible home i just want you to know i have always known you loved me and you are a great parent and person for being able to always show that when it was so different in your life as a child thank you for being so great i love you and am so very proud of you i just got off so i know your probably asleep goodnight

God has blessed me with some wonderful children and I am going to share about all three of them. Today was Hailey’s day!! They don’t mind because they believe in what I am doing. All three of them have told me to share my story because they know it can help people. I am so very blessed.

The Parable of the Starfish

One morning an elderly man was walking on a nearly deserted beach. He came upon a boy surrounded by thousands and thousands of starfish.

As eagerly as he could, the youngster was picking them up and throwing them back into the ocean. Puzzled, the older man looked at the young boy and asked, "Little boy, what are you doing?" The youth responded without looking up, "I'm trying to save these starfish, sir." The old man chuckled aloud, and queried, "Son, there are thousands of starfish and only one of you. What difference can you make?"

Holding a starfish in his hand, the boy turned to the man and, gently tossing the starfish into the water, said, "It will make a difference to that one."

 

Touching Lives: A Family Perspective! A sweet letter from a family member of a life touched which in turn made a difference in the lives of the family members. It takes so little to make a difference.

One of the greatest gifts I have received is letters from my friends describing how my story or my reaching out has touched their lives. It is such a blessing to read these. Many times we aren’t even aware of the difference we have made in someone’s life by just saying a kind word or reaching out to show we care. Sometimes the smallest and what may seem the most insignificant gesture can change a life.  We can make a difference one at a time.

I love the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” with Jimmy Stewart as George Bailey. George is considering suicide and God sends Clarence, his guardian angel, to try and stop him. Things aren’t going well for Clarence because George is desperate and hopeless. When he makes the comment “It would have been better if I’d never been born” Clarence makes that happen and shows George what life would have been without him which ultimately shows the many lives he touched and how he made a difference in each one. Of course that is a movie but it has always touched me so deeply and it must have moved many more because it is shown each Christmas Eve on NBC. My kids will even sit down and watch it with me: )

When I made the decision to write a book I asked my friends, whose lives I know my story had an impact on,  to write a letter as a testimonial to be put in my book. Each one I asked gladly did it. This was so very touching to me. At the permission of many of these people I have included the letters in my blog because I think it is inspirational to read about the victories any other peoples' lives. I shared about Rebecca and Angela who each are now touching lives and bringing hope to the hopeless themselves.  We all are passing it on.

As I share my story and the very poor choices I made as well as the consequences I paid for those choices my hope is to reach someone before they make the same mistakes I did. My hope is for them to turn it around before they receive the legal ramifications that go hand and hand with drug addiction. There have been many success stories because the people I reached out to drew upon God and their strength and quit using before they got in trouble. I admire each one of them more than you could ever know. Obviously I didn’t have that strength, but it is what it is.

With that being said some of these people who turned their lives around before they got in trouble feel they need to be careful to protect their careers, families, and identities. The letter I am going to share today is from a sister of someone I reached out to. I really wanted a family perspective because addiction touches so many lives not just the user.  This is a letter that I am going to keep anonymous but I feel it is imperative to share because it shows there is always hope and sometimes the family members don’t have the power ,although they try so hard, to make a difference . Sometimes it takes an outsider not so close to the situation or who has struggled with the same issues to speak into that person’s life. Families don't need to carry burdens and feel responsible for the things out of their control.

Again this also shows how very little I did and what little it takes to touch a life. I was blown away. All I did was meet with this girl for coffee and share my pain, mistakes, and hope. It was an amazing encounter as I had one of those experiences where I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit physically. Then outside of Starbucks I grabbed her arms and prayed to our God for her to find freedom.  God was all over this situation because where she had lied about and denied drug use before, she was finally honest.  When I looked into  her eyes and asked her when the last time she used was, she bowed her head and said on the drive over.  Freedom comes with truth and I knew she was on the road to victory and freedom because she spoke in honesty and truth that day.

Today she is drug free and seeking God, living a life in the freedom and the restoration that HE provides.

John 8: ³² Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

The letter is below :))

To Whom it May Concern:

"Susan Deface Washington has a uniquely motivating testimony to the transforming power of God’s Love.  Growing up in Dallas in the 1970’s, I recall wanting to emulate my teenage sister and her friends.  Susan DeFace Washington, in particular, appeared to have it all.  She was beautiful, blond, and had a bubbly personality.  She was a wonderful gymnast, a high school cheerleader, and was always popular. It wasn’t until years later that I would become aware of the numerous family tragedies and personal struggles that plagued her over the years.  I remember observing vibrancy and promise of youth, robbed by the burden of an adulthood hindered by inadequate coping mechanisms.   Her story truly is one of Christ’s redemptive Grace and Mercy.   She is transformed, and now lives the abundant life God promised, while daily impacting lives for Christ.  I know that God is being glorified though Susan, as I and my entire family have been impacted first hand.

In the year 2000, my sister, also a wife, mother, and daughter, began a downward spiral into the world of addiction that left her destitute and homeless.  Our family tried on numerous occasions over a seven year period to shepherd her back.  All attempts failed.  All our family could do was pray, and after seven years, that began to feel futile.   Susan offered help.  She met with my sister, and was able to connect with her in that distant, lonely place.  She could reach my sister on a level the family could not. Because Susan loved and acted, my sister sought help.  Today my sister is alive, drug free, and home. What a wonderful example of Romans 8:28 is being displayed in Susan’s life.   Our family is so grateful and thankful for Susan’s influence in our lives.  I believe her message of God’s hope to a lost world is very timely.  Her life testimony is a light to the lost, and a ray of hope for the ones who love them."

2 Timothy 2: 23 But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife.

I applied biblical principles to a situation yesterday and although it was somewhat insignificant I believe it made a difference, at least it did in my life and the rest of my day. Now at one point I was not thinking in the biblical mode at all because the employee/owner at this business was so rude to me.

I had stopped in a little mailing store to mail a gift. When I walked in, the store was in disarray and I had to walk through a maze of stacked up boxes to find an employee. Sitting at a computer was a man looking at what seemed to be a map. Looking over his shoulder, seeming somewhat irritated by my interruption, he asked what I needed. I told him I wanted to mail a gift and I asked to make sure this was a place that mailed things because it wasn’t obvious, there were just huge boxes everywhere. He grunted yes that it was, I then politely asked if he sold cards (so many of these mail center stores have cards that I love). Again with a grumble he said “no” saying he could give me a piece of paper and lifted a torn piece of notebook paper. POLITELY still….. I said that was okay and looked to see if there was anything I could buy that would be appropriate to send with this gift. There was nothing, a few post it notes but it seemed as if his inventory was very low on everything except boxes.

Remembering I had some cards in my glove box (why is it called a glove box, I have never put gloves in there) I went to my car and got a card and wrote a message. Finished with all the preparation I was ready to mail my gift and thankfully found an envelope (it was the last one) that had bubble wrap in it. After sealing the envelope I told the man I was ready.

Annoyingly he pushed his chair away from his computer and stomped over taking the envelope from me to weigh it. He asked how I wanted to send it and I said I didn’t know so he proceeded to tell me the prices for 1st class, priority, etc. After listening I asked him what the difference was and with GREAT impatience he asked me if I had just heard him tell me the different prices. Beginning to lose my composure I had to swallow hard and pause before I spoke, I then told him I understood the difference in pricing but I wanted to know the different benefits in the various mailing classes. He shrugged and said priority might get there faster but he really didn’t know.

By this point I wanted to give him a friendly hand gesture but I stopped myself again, it was really hard because he was just so mean and treating me like I was stupid. Not sure what to do I went with priority and he rang me up. He forgot to charge me for my envelope so I reminded him and again he seemed irritated. I thought he might be thankful because it appeared his business was struggling and he needed every penny coming in since he had NO inventory only huge boxes that obviously weren’t selling. By this point I was shocked he was still in business at all with the lack of customer service. I was beginning to seethe inside and was about to tell him what I thought of him and his store. (When I am REALLY angry I have a gift, well it is really a curse, of being sarcastic and critical much like my father was)

But at that moment it was as if God whispered to me and said be kind you don’t know what he is going through, be kind even though he is being a jerk to you. (I really wanted to argue with God on this point and thought I could really plead my case but decided against it and chose to be obedient). So I swallowed my anger which was a hard lump to get down and paused again (it is good to pause when you are agitated or angry, HIS word instructs us in that way) James 1: 19 So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; 20 for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

After handing him my debit card and receiving my receipt I smiled at him GENUINELY and told him to have a wonderful evening.(somehow I was able to suppress all my built up sarcasm) Then I looked in his eyes and said “May God Bless You” and smiled again. His whole demeanor changed and with a warm smile he replied thank you and said “God Bless you too sweet girl “. I then turned and walked out of the store with a smile not only on my face but on my heart as well.

I walked in the Spirit yesterday although I really was tempted to walk in the flesh. When I left that store the joy of the Lord was within me and that felt wonderful. If I would have gone off on him I might have had some sort of temporary gratification feeling justified because he wasn’t treating me right but that would have faded and then I would have felt bad about the whole situation. This was just a minor part of my day but it was also very powerful. God reminded me of 2 Timothy 2:23-26 which I memorized years ago. His word is our sword and it is good to have it on our hearts so we can draw upon it whenever we need it.

2 Timothy 2 (New King James Version)

23 But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife. 24 And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, 25 in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, 26 and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will