Just another day in paradise !

On the way to work today I heard the song “Just another Day in Paradise” by Phil Vassar. It is amazing how a song can take you back in an instant. I love that song and I always have but the memory that came with it was heart wrenching. It was the late fall of 2000 and my life was snowballing out of control. It just seemed to keep picking up speed and I didn’t know what to do to stop it. There were a lot of changes at that time: I changed jobs, we moved to a new home,  and we even  changed cars. All these changes were forced upon me but I thought that maybe things would finally get better, that the bad luck would stop. But it didn’t because the one thing that I needed to change was the one thing that I didn’t : my drug use. You can’t move away from your problems. You can’t change the external things in your life without changing the inside. You can change jobs, homes, churches, you can  even move to a new city but the problem is you are taking yourself with you . Bottom line, I was the problem not my job, home, or car. As  I said things were bad , very bad, and one day I heard this song on the radio. The first time I heard it I loved it but it also made me very sad.  And I think the reason it did was I longed for what he described in the song, there was a lot of stuff going on : unpaid bills , broken appliances, and  screaming kids but there was such love, his life with all the problems was paradise and he wouldn’t change a thing.  So I searched everywhere for his CD, I wasn’t even sure who sang it .  My life was so messed up and I was functioning in a drug induced haze but I finally found it at a Kmart off of Skillman somewhere .  The memory of  buying the CD  in that Kmart  is so vivid and I remember playing it over and over. Maybe on some level I thought if I played it enough I would be happy.
It was playing t the day I jumped out of our car on I-30 and began to run.  We were strung out on drugs and my husband and I got into a huge fight. I just couldn’t take it anymore so I told him to stop but he wouldn’t so  I opened the door as if to jump out  and  he finally slowed down and pulled over . Then  I just jumped out of the car. I was near the Samuel exit in east Dallas  and  in that desperate moment all I wanted was my mother so I decided to go find her. As I ran into the Grove Hill cemetery I didn’t have a clue where she and David were buried. I had never gone to visit her because to the best of my ability I had pushed her out of my mind pretending she didn’t exist. If she didn’t exist then I couldn’t have killed her and that was my underlying fear that I was responsible for her death 21 years before. But that day I didn’t want to pretend anymore I just wanted my momma so I ran aimlessly through that huge cemetery (since 1911 there has been over 60,000 burials )   hoping I could find her and remarkably  I did. Crying hysterically I finally paused for a moment  looking around and there was the marker that said Rosemary DeFace  . In shock and disbelief that I found her I  fell onto her site begging, pleading, and calling her name.  I laid in the grass for a while and then I heard a car . Sitting up I saw my husband watching me and crying .Wiping my eyes I got up and brushed the grass of the pajama bottoms I was wearing and walked wearily to the car and got in. We just sat there in silence for a moment crying then he said “Watching you run through this cemetery looking for your dead mother’s grave is the saddest thing I have ever seen in my life”  For the first time in a long time I felt loved and that he still cared. It was such a sad depressing scene but that feeling was nice and warm . We both just sighed and he put the car in drive and we headed back to Rockwall. I wish I could say that was a pivotal moment , that finding my mother and feeling loved inspired me to make the changes I needed to make but it didn’t . I know without a doubt God led me to her that day because there is no other way that I could have found her site in that massive cemetery but I didn’t recognize HIM. My heart was hard and I was still blinded.  My life would completely implode in just a few short months .
The memory of that day has always remained and has popped up from time to time but I never connected it with that song or remembered that song playing until now . What I really feel God is showing me is that I was yearning for HIM even then .  I didn’t  care if I had an easy life I just knew I was missing something  but I was so addicted and the chains were overpowering that I couldn’t even conceive of being free.  It took a while but he delivered me from the addictions and broke each chain that had me bound for so long. Today I love to go to Grove Hill . It is a peaceful  place and I love taking flowers to my mother , brother , and grandparents. We even took Alexis there after she died , I don’t know why that was important to me but it was . So I just wanted to share what was on my heart and again say that I am so thankful for the freedom HE  has provided and grateful that he changed me from the inside out even though I fought it tooth and nail for so long . That freedom is available to everyone.  Today  I don’t need to run from anything,  pretend, or hide  because now  I am healthy.  Just so very thankful  for my life , the good and the bad, and as that song says “  I wouldn't trade it for anything , And I ask the lord every night , For just another day in paradise”  Thankfully we each have our own unique paradise.