Dilemma - a problem involving a difficult choice.

It’s amazing how one word , one picture, one song can take you on a journey through your past  that you weren’t prepared to take.   Sometimes it is a pleasant trip but other times it could be dangerous. When I was in rehab the big word was triggers, what were the triggers that might make you want to use again. What could trigger your relapse?  We would identify what we believed were our own personal triggers and were told to avoid them at all costs. The most common triggers were old friends you used with, places you used, etc.  But some triggers may be deep seeded pain that has not been dealt with , emotions that can surface at times unexpected by one word, one picture, or even one song. Something happened yesterday that reminded me of this,  it wasn’t a trigger  for me to use drugs at all, but I saw one picture that referred to one song and it took me back in a flash. The memories flooded my mind, detailed memories that I hadn’t thought about in a long time. They were not painful memories but the chain reaction of thoughts that came to mind reminded me of the trigger effect .

As I was scrolling through the news feed on Facebook yesterday there was a notification that my friend Noelle had listened to the song Dilemma on Pandora. As I read that post I was immediately taken back to 2002 when I was in Rockwall County Jail. It was early fall and I was the only female trusty so I spent my days preparing mop buckets and doing inmate laundry. When I got off “work” I would go back to my cell ( I had a cell to myself) and watch TV. I got off about 5 and each day  I would watch BET 106 & Park. They would play the top ten music videos and  the video to the song Dilemma with Nelly and Kelly Rowland  was the number one video and had been for a  long time. As I thought back  I began to laugh because I was a 41 year old lady watching Rap videos and waiting anxiously each day to see which ones got bumped down or went higher in the ratings. I did love the song Dilemma and the video though. It was a pleasant time as well ( as pleasant as jail can be), I had been locked up awhile and accepted my fate. The first weeks in jail I was angry thinking I didn’t deserve being there believing if I reached out to the judge he would understand why I used drugs because of all I had been through. He would see I was different than the other criminals. But those thoughts ended with an alarming dream, a dream that humbled me making me realize I wasn’t different or better than anyone.  In the dream I was standing in front of the judge but it wasn’t in a courtroom it seemed to be in the clouds in the sky . I pleaded with the judge to let me off easy , telling him  I was a really nice person who was in such pain I chose to do drugs.  I told him I wasn’t like the “rest of the criminals” .  He looked at me and said I seemed like a really nice person but the bottom line was that I broke the law and justice would be served by me going to prison for two years.  As I sat down another person was sent to face this JUDGE but everything was different, we were still in the clouds but now the judge was bigger than life , the judge seemed to be God. It was surreal.   Trembling  I watched the pretty young girl plead her case. Her defense was the same as mine she said   that she was a really good person, and  the JUDGE agreed then sadly nodded HIS head and said it didn’t matter  that justice would be served because she never accepted Jesus as  her Savior. It was her choice to make but  now it was too late. The gavel hit and the JUDGE was about to announce her sentence when  I  woke up  alone is my cell.  I wasn’t sure what to think  of that dream but there was a shift in my attitude and for the first time I was thankful I only got a two year sentence  because it could have been so much worse . For the first time I was completely accountable for my choices and quit trying to blame it on the tragic events that happened in my life.  Thankful that I was only sentenced to  prison and not an eternity  …………………………… I also thought about choices realizing no matter what has happened to us we have a choice in how we  react and how many  choices can have lifelong consequences and how one choice can have life after death consequences. I had not thought about that dream in so long. It was a powerful dream and it taught me that being a “good person” will not excuse you from bad choices in this life or the eternal life. That really rang true when I finally went to prison. Although there were many inmates who seemed evil to the core the majority of people were a lot like me : good people who made bad choices and were paying the price. Who would have ever thought that this little post with a picture of Nelly would inspire this blog .  This life is full of many dilemmas and the choices are difficult with so much at stake.

Shattered Glass

Today I was looking at the pictures of the accident, I don’t know why but for some reason  I was drawn to view them. As I looked at each photo of her mangled and shattered car I was again amazed at how perfect she looked. There was not a mark on her. Today I was especially struck by all the shattered glass, that never registered before. There was a lot of blood as well but I honestly don’t know where she bled from because she looked beautiful almost angelic and I thanked God for that amazing gift. He knew I needed to be able to see her at peace. 

The transplant services  told me they couldn’t use her corneas  because they were covered in shattered glass.  At the time it still didn’t register  but I wonder how her eyes were covered with all that broken glass but her face looked perfect ?? It doesn’t make sense but a lot of times God’s miracles don’t make sense and I believe this was a miracle. Her flawless face was another sign that HE was right there and she is resting peacefully with HIM.  The comfort and peace that gives me is indescribable. This place of my shattered dreams is where my Alexis Rose to be with Jesus.  But what else is amazing is the devotional I found that I had saved in the same folder. The title is Shattered Glass. What drew me to it was how it referred to broken lives but it was saved right next to the photo where it shows her shattered windows. How perfect this devotional is with this whole situation. I am amazed. Below is an excerpt from the devotional .

Shattered Glass

Joni EarecksonTada

Diamonds in the dust

“Put your trust in the light while you have it, so that you may  become sons of light.”

John 12:36

Shattered glass in full of a thousand different angles , each one picking up a ray of light and shooting it off in a thousand directions. That doesn’t happen with plain glass, such as a jar. The glass must be broken into many pieces to reflect the light.

What’s true of shattered glass is true of a broken life. Shattered dreams.  A heart full of fissures.  Hopes that are splintered.  A life in pieces that appears to be ruined.  But given time and prayer, such a person’s life can shine more brightly than if the brokenness had never happened. When the light of the Lord Jesus falls upon a shattered life, that believer’s hopes can be brightened.

It’s the nature of things that catch the light: The color and dazzle of light sparkles best through things that are shattered.

Only our great God can each down into what otherwise would be brokenness and produce something beautiful. With HIM, nothing is wasted. Every broken dream and heart that hurts can be redeemed by HIS loving warm touch. Your life may be shattered by sorrow, pain, or sin, but God has in mind a kaleidoscope through which HIS light can shine more brilliantly.

Light of the world, may you shine today in dark places all over the earth. May broken people, hurt and disappointed, respond to your loving touch.  I present to you the parts of my life that are shattered. Shine Jesus shine!!!

Powerful Feedback from Landmark Family Fellowship !!

There is nothing more encouraging than positive feedback. I have been blessed with so many uplifting comments concerning my presentation at Landmark Family Fellowship in Mesqute on Sunday. I wanted to share them and remind all of you I am available to share my testimony at your church, school, small group,  etc.  Please contact me for details through my website or Facebook. My story  is a message of hope and how God can turn tragedy into triumph !!

Psalm 107

1 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
    his love endures forever.

2 Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story—
    those he redeemed from the hand of the foe,

 

A Ray of Hope

The last couple of days I have been somewhat down. I really couldn’t figure it out and I hate feeling that way because for the most part I am upbeat and positive. Maybe it was because for the last month I was very busy sharing my story and that is my passion to share how God can transform a life. Sunday was the culmination of that , it was a huge day and I felt as if I was soaring . It is hard to describe but it is a natural high. Speaking to others and sharing my story is when I am in my sweet spot, I feel as if I am on top of the world. Sometimes after it is over there is a letdown I guess. Maybe that is what I have been experiencing. This morning I still felt a little sad and as I left for work I thought about 9/11/01. I was in rehab in Overton, Texas and I will never forget walking down the hall to Big Group, our morning meeting. Andy , who was in charge of horticulture therapy, was watching TV in the break room. This was strange because televisions were never on in the morning, we had no access to outside information and could only watch TV at specified times and it was usually movies that were rented once a week. The look on his face is frozen in my mind as I walked up to him and asked him what was wrong. There were tears in his eyes and he just shook his head in silence and sadness. Moments later all the residents were called to an emergency meeting and we were told what had happened. We were all in shock and emotions ran high because in times of tragedy and despair you want to be able to hold your loved ones close to you but because of our choices we couldn’t . All classes were cancelled for the day and a few of us went to pray around the flagpole. As those memories came rushing back I became a little sadder as I remember my children didn’t have their Mother or Father there to comfort them that day , that must have been so very frightening to a young child. I drove down Parker Rd and waved at Alexis’ memorial, as I always do , telling her I missed her. As I passed the crash site I did a double take because it seemed as if the roses were blooming again but I wasn't sure. This drought has been relentless and the roses died long ago . My prayer has been for them to bloom again. There is no water at the site so we take gallons every now and then to nourish the plants but it has just been so dry it seemed as if our efforts were futile. But in that moment there was a ray of hope. I quickly pulled into the Lighthouse Baptist Church’s parking lot and turned around to go back to the site. As I pulled over I could see tiny glimpses of red, it was as if they were sparkling in the sun. I jumped out of my car and ran to the cross. Sure enough the roses were beginning to bloom again, showing the signs of new life. My sadness was replaced with hope in that moment. Once again HIS glory met my suffering in the place where I experienced the toughest loss of all. HE is always AMAZING !!

The root of bitterness, contempt, and anger.

Hebrews 12 : 15 Look after each other so that not one of you will fail to find God’s best blessings. Watch out that no bitterness takes root among you, for as it springs up it causes deep trouble, hurting many in their spiritual lives.

Seeds of bitterness, contempt, and resentment can destroy your life. Left unattended they will grow out of control choking and killing all the good seeds that are trying to take root. I honestly believe those emotions can be the most destructive, hardening your heart and changing who you are.

The other day I was talking with a friend who has had a lot going on and has really been struggling. She told me she is bitter, angry, and has a lot of resentment right now. She said she knew that was wrong but it was just the way she felt. My heart broke for her and I have been praying for that bitterness to not take root.  The situation got me to thinking about how dangerous bitterness, anger , and resentment are in our lives. They can destroy us and I believe Satan uses those seeds successfully to stop us from living the life God has planned for us.  There were instances in my life where those  emotions almost got the best of me but by the grace of God I was able to stop them from spreading. The key is getting to the root of it, if we don’t cut it off at the root it will come back. The first time those emotions began to arise within me was after mother started a fire in the house at the end of my senior year. She caused a scene and for the first time the neighbors knew something was terribly wrong with her. I had spent  the majority of my junior and all of my senior year trying to hide my mother’s alcoholism, which had progressively gotten out of control, but now everyone knew. I was horrified and embarrassed.   After the fire trucks left that everyone went back in their homes.  Mother,  who was very inebriated , went back into the house. She was so out of it she wasn’t even aware of what had happened.  She was wearing my pink fuzzy robe because she had been found naked and passed out in the living room. I watched her as she stumbled down the hall wondering what she would do next.  She went to her room which only had a bed frame because the fire ruined the mattress but she didn’t realize that the mattress was gone. She repeatedly  tried  to make the bed with sheets but would fall into the frame because there was no mattresses. After she would fall she would get back up and try again only to fall into the frame over and over.

 I was an 18 year old child at the time standing in the doorway to her room observing her. For the first time ever I hated her. Bitterness and resentment started to rise within me as I laughed at her with contempt. I can picture my younger self perfectly, wearing my cheerleading uniform for the very last time. It was the day of the red and blue game, the last time I would ever cheer. It was the end of so many things although I didn’t realize it at the time. But as those emotions of anger , bitterness, and resentment began to take over I hated the feeling within me and for some reason  my heart was softened. The next time mother fell I ran to help her and took her to my old bedroom and tucked her in. It was as if I was the mother and she was the child.  Throughout that night I continually checked on her to make sure she was okay . At the time I didn’t think much about it but I am very grateful that my heart was softened in that moment, I believe without my understanding God cut  the bitterness and contempt off at the roots where mother was concerned.  Two weeks later she would be gone and although my last words were “Get the _____ out of my room , I wish you were dead”  my feelings were different. They were not said with contempt , they were said out of hurt and pain .  The aftermath of that tragic day crippled me  for decades but it would have been much different if I was bitter , angry , and resentful. That would have been a totally different road to travel then the one of guilt and shame. None of those emotions are healthy but honestly I am thankful  that I didn’t go down that road.  Thank you Jesus for saving me from myself .