June 5, 2002- The Next Domino To Fall in the Chain of My Self Destruction

On June 5,2002  I got pulled over at LBJ and La Prada in Dallas, Texas .  I was with a friend from rehab and had just left the drug dealers house. It was about 10 p.m.  As the cops went to their car to run my license I knew I would be searched so I tried to eat part of the drugs I had . It was  extremely hard but I succeeded.

Although the baggies got stuck in my throat I was finally able to swallow them. As they went down the reality set in that I could OD on all these drugs. I had just left the dealer and had all kinds of drugs , I had meth for me and pills and coke that I got for someone else. I ingested a lot and what I didn't eat resulted in a possesion charge that was a state jail felony.   I was really scared because I didn't want to die but I didn't want to tell the cops I ate the evidence either so I just remained silent .

The cops arrested us and  took us to Mesquite city jail and impounded my father’s brand new Lexus that I was not supposed to drive. As I began to call my dad begging him to get me out of jail  he continually ignored my calls. The next day I was transferred to Dallas County Jail and began the arduous process of being booked in. As I was moved from holding cell to holding cell like a herd of cattle I would try and call my dad, he was all I had in this world and my only chance of making bail. He told me he was going to let me sit. But  finally after about 24 hours in Dallas County, before making it to a pod,  my name was called and I had made bail. As I stepped out into the hot Texas sun I looked up at the blue sky swearing I would never use again.  But I knew I was in a lot of trouble because now I had a new charge.

My vow of abstinence from using lasted for about 3 days. By then my 2 days in jail didn’t seem so bad and I went to the drug dealers. In my sick mind I thought I could figure it all out high but once high all I cared about was getting more drugs.  During this crazy time I spent a lot of time between Kilgore and Rockwall and I was about to have another close call, that would be the scariest of all. My life was out of control.

The Domino Effect after relapse : May 26, 2002 the first domino to fall

It was a little bittersweet when I graduated from NTTC in February of 2002.   I had been there six months and felt comfortable. I was a leader in the community and had made a lot of friends.  My self-esteem had been built up , I had lost a lot of weight ( which was very rare, most gain weight in rehab but somehow  I was a fat Meth addict: )  , and I felt ready to take on the world. The probation officers at the center thought of me as their shining star, they believed I was going to make it and I was determined not to let them down.  BUT still the real world seemed a little scary and I had doubts I could make it. My kids would be moving into my father’s house with me and we would be starting over. For six months I had only focused on me and my recovery with really no other responsibilities but that was about to change.

At the beginning things were wonderful.  Although rehab wasn’t jail we did not have any freedom. It was a court ordered rehab and if we left the facility or disobeyed the rules a warrant would be issued for our arrest. While there I probably witnessed 10 -15 arrested for various infractions, their county would come pick them up in shackles and chains. For most the next leg of their journey was prison.  So to be able to do as I pleased was so very liberating in every sense of the word.  Hailey and Alexis moved right in with me and Sammy came a few weeks later. Finally I had my kids back , Warner was still incarcerated. The kids started school in Rockwall and we were adjusting to our new life,  our new normal.

Living with my father was not a healthy choice and honestly it turned out to be a choice that ultimately changed the trajectory of my life.   At the time I didn’t think I had a choice but I did, I could have gone to a half-way house. Basically my choice was based on having the best materially. My dad had a beautiful home and the kids could go to the yacht club and swim but, as I had learned as a child but seemed to forget, material things do not make you happy.

My dad was very critical of me and when he was drunk, he was verbally abusive. He would have a glass full of vodka in his hand, look at me with disgust and throw it in my face.  He would say, “I wish you would have died instead of Kathey because she would have never embarrassed and humiliated me the way that you have.”  At the time, I believed I deserved that treatment with all my heart. It just compounded the shame and condemnation that I already felt about myself. My self-esteem slowly began to plunge.

Trying to find work after rehab was difficult also and part of that problem was pride, with thoughts like “I have a college education, I am not going to work there,” when faced with job prospects in food service or retail.

At the time, I was pretty clueless about how this felony was going to affect my life. I called about a potential job with Terrell ISD; the school was desperate for a substitute teacher for one very disruptive student. They told me to show up the next day and we could “take care of paper work later.” Despite my efforts to tell them about the felony, they were desperate to fill the position and assured me that it could be discussed at a later time.  The optimistic person that I am took that as a sign from God that I was going to start my new position and be so wonderful at it, they would overlook my 2nd degree felony conviction of manufacturing meth! (What alternate universe was I living in???)

After about three or four weeks of working I finally got to see an assistant superintendent (I was really trying to be honest and do the right thing). I will never forget sitting across his desk and describing what had happened. He looked me in the eye and said he didn’t think it would be a problem. I returned to the classroom with my one student thinking all was going to be fine. Later that afternoon, the principal and other administrators came to the door and escorted me to principal’s office. They let me know that I needed to leave the premises and they would not need my services anymore. This was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life, again shame and self-loathing washed all over me. Later I learned I would probably never teach again and that I would lose my teaching certificate because of the choices I had made. That news was heartbreaking because I had worked so hard to get my degree and I loved teaching. Hopelessness set in and I relapsed on meth. I had been clean for over a year but at the end of April 2002 I was using again.

The downward spiral happened fast. Within a week I was back to using every day and using more than I had before. The look on my children’s faces as I walked out of the bathroom, after being locked in there for what seemed like hours, breaks my heart. My son said, “Mom , it makes us think you are using again when you stay gone so long and lock yourself in the bathroom.” I lied to them, promised that I wasn’t using, but you could read the disbelief all over their sweet broken faces. By the end of May I was a total mess and my life was about to unravel again

On Sunday May 26, 2002, the day before Memorial Day ( of course ). I was back to using daily . I had gone to Kilgore to see a friend from rehab who I had relapsed with. The rules of probation were for us not to hang around other felons . At the time I thought that was stupid and pointless but now I see the why in that. I never went back with my old drug friends when I relapsed  it was with people I had been to rehab with. We were all just addicts so young in our recovery,  not strong enough to support each other outside of a structured environment. When one slipped it was so easy to fall with them and that is what happened. After getting high with my friends I  went home.

As I was driving back to Rockwall I needed gas but kept putting  it off and ran out in Lindale, Texas  off of I-20 and  saw no station in sight so I began to walk . After I had been walking awhile a man in an 18 wheeler pulled over . Excited about help I approached the truck but when he opened the door my heart skipped a beat and I was scared . He was rough looking and said get in, even in my altered state my gut told me I was in trouble. Looking around skittishly I didn't know what to do. Impatiently he said get in again and at that moment a DPS officer pulled up and asked if there was a problem. Not sure what to do because I had drugs on me but I was very scared of the man  in the truck so I told the trooper I ran out of gas and went with him. I was so nervous after getting gas he asked if he could search my car because I was acting suspicious. I predicted that would happen so I had the drugs on me and was able to dispose of them but I didn't get rid of my pipe and some basically empty baggies. He issued me a paraphernalia ticket. You would think this close call would have got my attention and I did  leave shaking but  when I got back to Rockwall I went and got more drugs immediately.

God saved me that day and tried to warn me with that ticket to get back on the right path but I chose the path of self-destruction. Not sure what would have happened if I got in that truck with that man but  red flags were flying frantically and I chose to go with a DPS officer while on probation for manufacturing meth, high, and with drugs on me so I was extremely  scared . That decision may have very well saved my life and if I would have heeded the warning that I know God gave me my life would have been simpler but I chose to continue to use and my life kept  spiraling downward at a fast rate.

July 21, 2012- Angels Visited Me ?

July 21, 2012 was the day  that I almost died. I don’t believe I have ever been that close to death . I came close to committing suicide in 2001 but I had not taken any physical action before God intervened. A year ago was different, I didn’t want to die. God intervened that day in an amazing way and after HE saved me I wondered why he chose to save me but not Alexis. I quickly put that out of my mind because it is a question that won’t be answered on this side of heaven and I am okay with that. I will tell you the story because it does glorify God and HIS omnipotence. 
July 21, 2012 was a very busy Saturday at work. There were three of us working that day and we barely had time to breathe much less eat ( to give you an idea of that time period, we sold 19 homes in the month of July last year : I have never experienced that before or since ). Finally in the afternoon of that day things slowed down so Jeff and Sophia ran to grab a sandwich which left me alone in the model. I remembered I had some rosemary flank steak in the refrigerator so I went to get a piece of it and headed back to my office.
At this same time unbeknownst to me a young family from Celina were driving north on Independence. They came to town to bring their saxophone to be repaired. Out of the blue the father said “ Hey let’s go look at this model over here” He quickly turned left on to Sumac and parked in front of our model.
As I was about to take a bite of my steak I heard the door chime so I went to greet the family. They told me they just wanted to run through the house, that they lived in Celina and were not going to move but “just decided “ to stop here. I told them to look around then went back to my office and took a bite of the steak. As I swallowed, or attempted to, I knew something was wrong. I couldn't swallow all the way. I tried to cough but couldn't and grabbed my water to take a drink but when I did the water just came back out of my mouth. I was choking . Running to the kitchen I tried to dislodge the food but couldn't. My plan was to go to the bathroom but by this point I knew I didn’t have time, I needed help. I couldn't breathe and then I tried to scream but no sound came out. Nothing , I was terrified . At this point I began to panic and started to stomp my heels on the wood floors hoping the family could hear me. They were upstairs so I ran to the stairs trying to go up but collapsed on the second stair. I then tried to crawl up but I was so frantic that I wasn’t making any progress . I really thought I was going to die at this point BUT then I heard the man say in a calm voice that he was coming to help me. He then performed the Heimlich and dislodged the food . I immediately began to cry uncontrollably and tried to stand but felt dizzy . They told me to sit and they cleaned up the mess I made. It was the one of the scariest experiences I've ever had. Choking, not able to breathe, not able to speak. The wife then looked at me and said I was really lucky because her husband , the man who saved me, was a first responder. The husband then said as he was driving on Independence he just felt prompted to stop at the Highland model, when they left that morning they had no intention to look at new homes they weren’t even in the market . But all of the sudden he “just decided” to stop. We were all blown away by the timing. No one else was there or came in during my close call. It was such an emotional experience and I see how God worked through them to save me. I still get chills as I think about it. Some of our home buyers walked in as I was sitting on the stairs crying , they were very concerned because they could tell I was so upset and they all knew that I had just lost Alexis. I assured them I was okay but as I was talking with them I noticed the family was gone, they left as fast and quietly as they came. I didn’t even get a name. Sometimes I wonder if it was a family of angels sent to protect me . But either way when it is my time and I do get to Heaven I will thank him and his family as well as the lady from the benefits office of Garland I SD. Both these people saved my life. All I know is God isn’t done with me yet and HE still has a purpose for my life or I wouldn’t be here. Thank you Jesus : ))

Rebuilding My Life and Laying a Strong Foundation

The other day I noticed the trailer we lived in after I got out of prison was for sale. It is on Parker Rd close to the Sonic near Country Club and I pass it each day on my way to work . It was kind of bittersweet to see that For Sale sign because I have a lot of memories there. It is where we started over and were reunited as a family . Since Warner and I both had criminal records it was hard to find a place to rent but after he searched and searched he found this place. He had been working at Albertsons while I was in prison and living with his parents. All he did was save money so when the day came he could pay the rent for almost a year in advance. Before I got out he told me he had finally found a place that would accept us and I felt blessed because I knew he had experienced multiple rejections. As I have said before prison humbled me and although this trailer was much different than anyplace I had ever lived I was very thankful for it but at the same time I was embarrassed that this is where my life had ended up so I kept my distance from others. Those first months out of prison were a time of solitude. I got out in June and the kids participated in the Wylie Wave so they were gone all day and Warner was working. Part of the condition of my parole was wearing a leg monitor and contrary to popular belief among my inmate friends the leg monitor was very strict . I couldn’t leave the trailer , not even step onto the front porch, unless I had approval from my parole officer. The only situations approved to leave the trailer were for a job interview, parole appointment, AA/NA, or church. I reported every two weeks to parole and if I wanted to leave the house in the next two week time period I needed a detailed schedule with appointments made. I am not a detailed kind of person now or then. My license was suspended and I didn’t have a car so needless to say I spend a lot of time alone in that trailer in the summer of 2003. But in hindsight I see that it was good that I had to sit and be still. I was an escapist , I always had been from the time I was a teenager and would drive around aimlessly for hours just to escape the loneliness of my home where my mother was always passed out. Being in that home was so oppressive that I had to get away. I always felt I needed to be on the go. This coping skill carried over into my adulthood. It was not healthy because I would basically run away so I didn’t have to face whatever I had come against. As I would be on the go I could pretend my life was different . In 2003 I was forced to be still and stay when every ounce of me wanted to run because I knew if I left I would go back to prison and I didn’t want that. The monitor was that strict. I faced the reality of what I had done and I faced the consequences of my actions. In prison I was in a survivalist mode , in the trailer I learned how to live with the way things were for probably the first time in my life. Learning that the changes I wanted in my life would take time, that I had to rebuild my life one day at a time. For the first time ever I began laying a strong foundation to build upon , ironically in a trailer that had none. There were times I would begin to feel sorry for myself but in those moments I would remember sweating on the pig farm, cleaning the slabs, and feeding the pigs in the hot Texas sun then going back to my unit and laying on the hard concrete floor trying to cool off with the small fan I had bought on commissary blowing hot air on me. Those memories always changed my attitude to gratitude and I was thankful for where I was. The time in this trailer taught me a lot and God used those years to mold and prepare me . Those memories tug at my heart because they all include Alexis but I will wipe away the tears and thank God for the work HE did in me through those times. Each day I pass so much of my life on Parker Rd, it is where I began to live again and where Alexis Rose to be with Jesus.

Don't Compare Yourself To Others

As I drove home yesterday I began to think about a girl that I used drugs with, I really don’t know what happened to her or her family but for a while we spent a lot of time together. It was basically a friendship rooted in drugs which is never good but as I thought of her and some of our antics it made me think of this quote. : 
“If you compare yourself to others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.” ― Max Ehrmann, Desiderata: A Poem for a Way of Life. 
At that time in my life I compared myself to a lot of people including her and I was deceptive enough to only compare myself to people further along in their addiction so that my use didn’t seem so bad. She was a mess and her life was out of control so when twinges of conscience would suddenly ding in my mind about what I was doing I would shoot them down by comparing myself to people worse off than myself. With each comparison I justified my drug use and as I got worse than those I was comparing myself to I would find someone new until I was in such bondage I didn’t care. Satan had such power in my life and I listened to his voice which for so long said “ Susan, you don’t have a problem look at “ insert name”, that is what a drug addict looks like. You are doing fine and you even quit drinking to boot. Pat yourself on the back . You are doing great” It all sounded good and positive but it was straight from hell and a lie. Satan knew if he could just keep me using he would finally have complete control which he did. Thank God I wasn’t destroyed and my eyes were finally opened to the truth. Don’t compare yourself to others, don't do it; you are you, and that's fine. If you want to improve something about yourself, do so, but don't look at others’ lives to do it. If you feel that your life is out of control just look in the mirror and ask God to reveal the truth to you. Begin to make the changes to a better you. Do it one step at a time because your life didn’t crumble in a day. It takes time to rebuild but it can be done and you can see the progress along the way . And one day you can look back and compare yourself to the old you and see how far God has brought you. That is the most amazing feeling of all to see God’s amazing grace unfolding in your life. It happened to me.

Galations 6: -5 Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don’t be impressed with yourself. Don’t compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.