July 3, 1971

Today is the anniversary of my first vivid memory, every other memory before this day is a flash in my mind.  Pictures that surface and dissipates as fast as they come. I try my best to capture those memories but sadly they remain elusive. But July 3, 1971 is as clear as if it happened yesterday. I was in the water at our lake house on Cedar Creek Lake about to ski . I can still feel the water on my legs and picture the slalom  ski with blue and red flowers on it.  

 This is the pier and where I was in the water when my parents were told

Mother and Daddy were sitting under the green and white umbrella that sat atop our white table on the pier ready to watch me. As I was untangling my ski rope a man walked out onto our pier. His name was Joe and he had a lake house down the street with a telephone. A telephone at a lake house was a luxury in 1971 and he was the only who had one in  Isle A Veiw II, the community our lake house was located. 

The lakehouse- It has remained the same

Somewhat curious about this visit I watched him as he stopped and talked to my parents.  The lake was full of boats and people for the 4^th of July weekend so I couldn’t hear what he was saying.  All I remember is him bending down somewhat reluctantly and talking to momma and daddy.  Momma collapsed.  There was then a flurry of action and I got out of the water.  People seemed to be panicked and I wondered what had happened.  I remember a knot of fear developing in my stomach because I knew something was terribly wrong. Momma was a mess, daddy was remote, and I didn’t know what had happened.  It is not clear in my mind when I learned the devastating news that my 18 year old brother David had committed suicide at our home in Dallas. He had taken one of daddy’s guns and shot himself in the head in his bedroom.

My next memory is riding in the backseat of Norman and Barbara’s (family friends who had a lake house near ours) car on the way back to Dallas. Norman was driving because my parents couldn’t.  Our lives changed forever that day. My parents NEVER recovered. Although I don’t really remember our life before that day I believe that was the act that destroyed us as a family.  As I remember momma and daddy on the pier waiting to watch me ski, I remember them loving me, being proud of me, and paying attention to me. In my memory I felt loved, adored, and cherished.  Those are my feelings when I think of those moments before Joe talked to them.  I cling to those warm feelings because my parents changed so much after that moment. They slowly retreated further and further away from me.  David’s suicide was an action that had devastating effects for years to come. I’m sure David didn’t realize the impact that one choice would make on so many people. As I look back I can see the snowball effect his suicide had wreaking havoc on those left behind.  What is so sad to me is that I don't remember David in life at all. When I picture him I see him in the casket with the faint blue bruise concealed by makeup . The mark where the bullet entered. I wish I had more memories but here is a photo I found.

It has been 42 years since David died and I am so thankful that I not only survived, sometimes only by the skin of my teeth, but in the past years have begun to thrive. This anniversary made me think about choices and their consequences. We need to remember that every choice we make carries with it certain consequences.  Sometimes, we get lucky and avoid the worst consequences that could happen, but sometimes we don't. As I thought about this I was mainly thinking about David’s choice to kill himself and those consequences that affected all of us but in time I thought of my parents’ choice to never move on. And that was a choice they made. They chose to deny, numb, and hide. Their choices destroyed their lives and almost destroyed mine as well. So as I have said so many times before when tragedy comes , as it will,  we have a choice. We can walk in bitterness and self-pity or we can look to God for our comfort walking in compassion and love.  VERY thankful today that I now choose to cling to God walking in the freedom only HE provides knowing there is always hope even in our darkest moments.  

July 2002

As July approaches it takes me back in time reminding me of all that has happened in this month throughout the years both good and bad. July is when David committed suicide and when I was arrested and sent to prison but it is also when I got clean from drugs and alcohol and when I got married. July is full of a lot of pain but it is full of joy as well. As I was thinking about this on my drive to work this morning I began to think about my sobriety date and the days right before. Those days prior to July 15, 2002 were crazy drug filled days. Let me take you back. When I think back to the insanity of that time I feel so blessed to be clean and very thankful I survived it in one piece. 
It was July 9, 2002 and I was driving home to Rockwall after taking Alexis to Wylie to visit a friend. My life was out of control and I had gotten a new possession charge in Dallas on June 5 but just couldn’t or wouldn’t quit using. In my warped mind I thought I could work it all out handling ten years of probation and be a drug addict as well. What was I thinking? 
I was in line at the Jack in the Box on Ridge Road ordering an Ultimate Cheeseburger which was a staple of my diet during this time when my cell phone rang. As I looked at the number I knew it was my probation officer so I reluctantly answered wondering why she would be calling me. Prior to this she had always been very kind to me but during this conversation she was short and terse. She told me I needed to report for a UA ASAP, I lied and said I was at work but would come later then quickly hung up. (for weeks I had lied about having a job getting up each morning pretending to go to Sylvan Learning Center, it was just insane. I had been hired there but quit showing up because the drugs were more important) . The night before my father who was in a drunken stupor told me he had called my probation officer telling her I had a new charge and was using but I didn’t believe him because I thought he was just drunk. I didn’t think he would do that to me but after the call I knew it was true. Paranoia and fear overcame me and I drove to my dad’s house in Chandler’s Landing. As I ran into the house he was sitting at the table and I asked him if he really called her and he nodded yes. For once he wasn’t critical, he just looked so scared and broken. I began to cry telling him I was going to be arrested and that this was really bad. In a way I felt bad for him because he looked so upset, he would not have done that sober .I will never forget that moment of us just looking at each other. I told him I had to get out of town because I was scared they would be coming to arrest me any minute. Gathering some things I called a friend from Kilgore to come get me and take me there. I had a car in Kilgore that I had loaned to a girl from rehab. Daddy gave me some money and I left.
This is when the insanity spiraled out of control. Drugs do that. It is even hard to think about these days. When I got to Kilgore and a hold of the girl who had the car I learned it had been stolen by some meth cooks. I was warned that I would be hurt badly if I even attempted to turned them in. I went by this girls house to ask more questions about my car and she got very defensive and started punching me in the face. I just began to cry. The next days were spent with some very scary and violent drug people trying to find my car. During that time my dad turned off my cell phone so I was at the mercy of these people. There were guns, violence, and just mayhem. By June 14 I was worn out and had accepted the fact I wasn't going to find my car . All I knew was I needed to get away from these people so I called the person who had picked me up from Rockwall. She used drugs but she was not as far gone as the others I had been around. Thankfully she said I could come to her house and I did. Now I needed to figure out a way to get back to Rockwall. The mother of a guy I had been in rehab with bought me a bus ticket from Kilgore to Terrell and drove me to the bus stop. As the bus pulled out of Kilgore I looked out the window then closed my eyes thankful I was on my way home. I wasn't sure what awaited me and I didn't really care I just wanted to get out of there………

The bus ride was uneventful. I had never ridden on a bus before other than the chartered buses to go snow skiing to Wolf Creek with the YMCA when I was younger. Those trips were fun, this ride just seemed lonely , depressing and hot. It was Sunday July 14 and I had to report to probation on Thursday July 18. I had used earlier that morning but I knew ( or thought I knew) I was going to have a UA at that appointment so I decided I had to stay clean. I thought if I passed my UA my probation officer might work with me and not give me a probation violation. This probation stuff was new to me and I didn’t know what to expect which was probably a blessing because if I would have known the second I set foot in my PO’s office I was going to be arrested I probably would not have gone and would have become a fugitive. My ignorance was bliss at this time. THE LAST TIME I EVER USED ANY SORT OF DRUG OR ALCOHOL WAS ON JUNE 14, 2002! My intention was not to get clean because I thought it would be better for my life , for my family, or for my kids. I was completely selfish as most drug addicts are, my only motive was to get clean to pass a UA then my plan was to use again but it didn’t work out that way. So although my intention at the time wasn’t to remain clean my sobriety date is July 15,2002 none the less. 

As the Greyhound pulled into Cowboys Quick Stop on Highway 80 in Terrell I stood up and got off the bus. I honestly don’t remember how I got from Terrell to Rockwall . All I remember is walking into my dad’s house and him sitting in the same place he was when I left. There were tons of empty packs of cigarettes, overflowing ashtrays, and bottles of vodka some full , some empty. He was coughing and very drunk barely able to hold his head up. Concerned I asked him how long he had been coughing like that and he said it hadn’t been too long. I wasn’t sure what to think but I had things to do. On some level I think I knew by Thursday when I went to probation my life was going to drastically change. After my relapse the kids spent a lot more time in Wylie with their grandparents but I went to get them and they stayed with me for a couple of days. It seemed Daddy’s health continued to decline. I tried to see if he had a temperature but he would argue with me so I didn’t really know what to do. By Wednesday I had this overwhelming feeling I needed to get him to the hospital. It was something I HAD TO DO no matter how much he protested. It took me back to when I was a teenager and I would have to load mother in my car and take her to the hospital because she was going through delirium tremens. In both situations my parents were argumentative, drunk, and would not cooperate me. It made me incredibly sad. But somehow I was able to get him to Lake Point and in the ER and it was good I did because he had pneumonia and was critically ill. He was admitted and they settled him into a room. This process had taken hours so I left and went back to the house. I made the decision to go see him before my probation appointment the next morning and I did. I’m so very grateful for that because it would be my last time to see him for a very long time.

I’m still amazed at God’s hand in all of this. I was a strung out drug addict worried only about me but somehow HE got my attention off myself and onto my father. If I wouldn’t have taken daddy to the hospital that day I believe he would have died. He spent six months in the hospital and almost died under medical care. I got arrested when I went to see my probation officer on July 18, I didn’t even have to give a UA. Rockwall County immediately filed to revoke my probation. They were locking me up with no chance for bail and I was on my way to prison.. There was no one else to take daddy to the hospital , no one to check on him to see if he was okay. He had severed all his ties and relationships because of his alcoholism. There was just me. In my opinion he would have died alone in that house. 
Another thing that was amazing about God orchestrating all of this had to do with the house . Daddy was not handling his finances and things were worse than I had ever thought . He was losing his home. Once the home got foreclosed on there was nowhere to live. I too had cut ties and severed all my relationships. I would have had nowhere to go. God was watching out for me. With jail and prison he changed my heart and gave me a place to live. It was really a blessing and I see it for that and thank him continuously. 
Towards the end of Daddy’s life I thanked him for calling my probation officer and turning me in. He was somewhat surprised but that drunken act by my dad probably saved my life . His motives were to hurt me at the time because he was angry but God turned it all around and blessed my whole family through it. So as we approach the 4th of July I will celebrate the freedom that Jesus Christ has provided me. I was thinking of all that has happened since 2002 and the horrific events of that summer. Yesterday I thought about the fact that back then I still had Alexis and Daddy and how much I miss them but I still have more peace and joy today despite the circumstances of losing my father and daughter then I did when I was so very lost. It is really amazing to feel that and I know that only comes from God so I thank HIM for it.