Entries from September 1, 2012 - September 30, 2012
Susan WashingtonJune 8, 2012 : The Day After Alexis Died
( From June 7, 2012 The Day that Finally Ended )
I prayed for sleep and the next thing I knew it was about 7 in the morning and I opened my eyes with the sun shining through the curtains. My first thought was at this time yesterday Alexis was still alive , it seemed unreal and then I remembered the dream I had . I dreamed Alexis was beautiful in a white flowing dress hugging my sister Kathey who was also beautiful in white . The only thing odd about the dream is Kathey was as I remembered her in her 20’s when she was newly married and began having her children. They both shined with the vibrancy of youth and that brought peace to my broken heart. I got up to get ready for my day. It was June 8, 2012 the day after Alexis died.
June 8 : The Day after Alexis died
I rolled out of bed and went into the kitchen where Jill had already made me a cup of coffee , the way I love it with splenda, caramel, and whipped cream. Smiling sadly I took a sip and thanked God for bringing Jill Crowe into my life. She is family to me. Where at one time I felt alone that is not so anymore; Jill has stepped in and become my family. Even though she is younger than me she is my Kathey , she is more than Kathey was because with Jill I can be completely honest . With Kathey I was so scared to admit my failures because I thought she might reject me . That was more to do with me than Kathey but none the less I couldn’t be honest. With Jill I can tell her anything : the good , bad , and the ugly. She was there when my father died and she was right there when my daughter died. I will be forever grateful to her. You need people like that in your life.
We had a busy day ahead : Kerri Jensen was coming over to help us plan Alexis’ service, we would go say goodbye to Alexis at the funeral home in Sachse, and we were going to make a cross to put at the crash site. Jill and I explored Alexis’ Facebook as we waited for Warner, Sammy, and Hailey to arrive. We laughed at some of the funny things my Alexis had posted. Everything still seemed surreal . Friends were calling from near and far to offer their support and prayers.
We decided to have the service on Monday evening because Keith Spurgin , New Hope’s Lead Pastor, was going out of town for the weekend and I wanted him to preside over the celebration of my daughter’s life. As I was waiting for the kids and Warner to arrive my friend Kelly came over to see me. Kelly and I had been cheerleaders together at J.L. Long Junior High and had reconnected a few years ago. She drove me to meet another friend Patty who had something for me from her mother Charlene. Charlene and Patty had been in my life for as long as I could remember although we aren’t close now, my dad had spent years married to Charlene after mother died. It was a nice morning. Mel called and told me Peri would be flying in on Sunday night to attend the service. As with the day before the outpouring of love and support sustained me.
When everyone got there the kids started working on the cross. Jill had everything to make a beautiful cross to honor Alexis. She even had bling to put on it :))) Riley had gone to Jenn’s that morning because we weren’t sure if we were going to take her to see Alexis. I wanted to see how she looked before making that decision. The church put me in contact with people to help me make decisions concerning Riley. Basically we were honest using the correct vocabulary , but the decision on her seeing Alexis at the funeral home was going to be determined by the condition of Alexis’ body. We would make that decision as a family with input from Hailey, Sammy, Warner, and me.
A little after 12 we drove over to the Smith Family Funeral Home in Sachse , Texas to see our Alexis Rose for the very last time. My heart hurt so badly and the pain was still so raw for all of us. At moments unexpected any one of us would break down in tears. I hurt so badly and it hurt worse seeing the pain on Hailey, Sammy, and Warner’s face. This was first significant loss for any of them. Hailey and Sammy were so young when Kathey died and my dad’s death, although sad, was expected. This was a shock and as I watched them I wondered about their thoughts. I prayed protection over their minds because I didn’t want them to have any feelings of guilt about anything.
I refocused my attention on the seeing Alexis. We walked into the funeral home and there was no one to greet us. We rang the bell and no one came. We called the number and no one answered so we began to look for people calling out “Hello” and opening doors. It was somewhat scary because you never knew who or what could be the other side . I was so nervous we would walk in on Alexis or someone else who had died that I couldn’t continue. Finally someone came out and led us to the room where our daughter and sister laid in rest.
I closed my eyes as she opened the door then began to sob as I saw her laying there. I think we all cried. She was laying on a table with a towel around her neck and a maroon blanket pulled up to her chest. Her long hair was pulled back from her face and falling down behind her head. Nothing else was visible and I knew that was probably because she had chosen to be a donor. Fleetingly I thought of her beautiful green eyes and wondered who would benefit from those wondering if the patient who received her corneas would now have her eye color. I had told the transplant coordinator that I would love to hear about who she helped but I didn’t know if I wanted to see her eyes looking at me but I wasn’t sure how the transplant process worked. That was something I would think about later.
She looked so beautiful and peaceful. Nothing like mother , David, or Kathey looked when they had died. I had my dad cremated so I just stayed with him in the hospital after he passed so the images of him in my mind aren’t as frightening. This was such a blessing that she looked as if she were sleeping . I went and touched her hair which was wet for some reason, they must have just washed it , then I kissed her forehead which was cold. We made the decision to go get Riley since Alexis looked so peaceful. Angela was with us so she drove to Jenn’s to get Riley . We just stayed in the room taking turns being with Alexis saying our goodbyes waiting for Angela to return . Then Riley arrived...............................................
It was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair..... Charles Dickens
1 Peter 5:
8 Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11 To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen
Think, think, think !!!!! Thoughts bombard my mind all the time and I’m constantly on alert taking these thoughts captive and bringing them into obedience . At times this is overwhelming and tiresome but I know the enemy is watching me knowing that I am weak right now so I need my armor on at all times,
I posted on Facebook earlier that I got a little teary eyed watching Strawberry Shortcake with Riley. The part that made the tears fall was when Lemon Meringue : )) was apologizing to this little strawberry guy that grew roses. She had judged him unfairly and felt guilty about it. For some reason this started a thought train in my mind that derailed : )) I thought about Alexis , missing her so much and then I thought about the time I was away from my kids because of my drug use. I basically missed two years with them because of my poor choices : one in rehab and one in prison. This made me feel so very sad and so very condemned. I felt extremely guilty about being away. As I was overcome with guilt and shame I put up my hands and said “No” stopping those thoughts in their tracks ( Well with the help of Satan my thoughts had derailed and I need to get them back on track back on God’s heavenly track :)
Bottom line I was a drug addict with a lot of problems because of things I never dealt with from my childhood. The greatest blessing in all of our lives was us getting caught and getting in legal trouble. That stopped the madness. Our legal woes brought my kids to Wylie which eventually brought Warner and I to Wylie. This is where I started over, found New Hope ( literally and figuratively) , and became the parent my children needed. They were blessed because I got caught and sent to prison. I needed that time to grow, to get it together, and to heal so I could step up and be who I needed to be. Now we still had trouble like all families do but I was on a growth track becoming more healthy each day: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. As I got more healthy my children did as well.
So one of the greatest days in my life was when we were indicted on felony drug charges which I eventually went to prison for. As I look at my prison ID there is no shame, it is precious because it represents the end of my drug use and the beginning of a new life. My time in prison had a positive effect on Hailey, Alexis, and Sammy because it changed me.
Today Satan lost this battle with me and I’m sure he is pretty angry because instead of feeling shame and guilt about my time in prison I am on my knees thanking God for that blessing that changed the trajectory of our lives. It was a blessing. As Laura Story would say :
What if my greatest disappointments,
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy.
What if trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?
Alexis and Hope
Today was kind of a tough day, I just never know how I’m going to feel or what thoughts will enter my mind. This grieving process is new to me, I don’t think I have ever grieved before although I have experienced so much loss . In the past I avoided it , pretended I didn’t feel that way, or tried to numb it. So as I said this is new to me and I am working through it with God by my side.
After I took Riley to school I came back to the house to finish the book “Heaven is for Real”. I have been reading the book for adults ( and I read the one for kids to Riley each night) . It has been a very powerful read for me and very comforting. So I was laying on Alexis’ bed reading and I glanced at the mirror which hangs on her closet door. The other day I tucked the beautiful program from her memorial service into the corner of the mirror because I am going to get a frame for it. There weren’t many left over because so many attended her service so I wanted to be sure to keep this one safe. As I looked at the beautiful picture of my daughter I noticed a program from another memorial that Alexis had taped on her door. . It was the program from Hope Pugh’s service and I got up to take a closer look realizing it has almost been a year since Hope died, she died October 15, 2011. I got incredibly sad as I thought of the loss of these two young girls that both died in tragic car accidents. I guess Alexis taped it on her door after attending the service at New Hope last year. Hope’s death was such a shock and I was so sad for her loss. I remember picking her up and giving her a ride to youth years ago.
Alexis was troubled by Hope’s death I, I could see it on her face but she didn’t want to talk about it. She assured me she was okay and would talk about it when she was ready. I prayed for her very hard during this time understanding how the loss of someone so young can have such an effect on you even if you weren’t that close to them. When you are 19 or 20 you think nothing will happen to you ,that you are invincible, then a friend or an acquaintance dies and your world is turned upside down because it hits so close to home.
So life went on and Alexis must have taped Hope’s program on her closet last October. I never really paid attention or noticed it until today. As I said I got incredibly sad as I looked at the two programs and began to wish that Jesus would come right now so I could see Alexis and the rest of my family again. But then God spoke to me and I felt convicted. The way I was thinking was pretty selfish when there are so many souls at stake, so many people who don’t know the love of Jesus, so many who are hurting and hopeless that need to see Jesus in someone else.
HE reminded me that his purpose for my life is to be the hands and feet of Jesus to the hurting and the hopeless as I share the redemptive and restoring work he has done and continues to do in my life. He reminded me that I was once hopeless and hurting but now His light shines through me and others need to see that. This encounter with the living God revived me and I ran to the store to return some shelves I bought last week, while I was there a woman that knows me from Facebook came up to me and thanked me for the way I share. I smiled and asked her name and we began to talk. She said she had lost a child and even though it had been years ago healing has taken place through my words and the way I share. I was overcome with emotion and silently thanked God for this encounter knowing Alexis’ death is making a difference, drawing people closer to him and that people are seeing Jesus in me through my grief. Pretty powerful stuff !!!!
I sat in my car after I left the store feeling so grateful for how my life has changed since I let Jesus into my heart. God then blessed me again as HE reminded me of the “dream” I had the night Alexis died: Alexis was being hugged by Kathey and they were wearing white flowing gowns and they both looked beautiful. Mother and Daddy were behind them in white as well. What was surprising was that everyone was young, in the prime of their lives not how they looked when they died. It was as if my sister and parents were welcoming Alexis to Heaven and the dream brought me so much comfort but I thought it was just a dream until now.
In the book “Heaven is for Real” Colton ( the young boy who visits Heaven) says that everyone is young in Heaven and that he got to meet his Pop ( his father’s grand dad) and his sister ( who was mis-carried at two months ) His sister was a little girl in Heaven and his great grand dad was a young man even though he died at an old age. The similarities between Colton's experience in Heaven and my “dream" (or maybe it was a vision) was a gift from God to me . OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD AND HE BLESSES ME EVERYDAY EVEN WHEN I START FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. AS I HAVE SAID MY GOAL NOW IS TO HONOR ALEXIS AND GLORIFY GOD LIVING OUT HIS PURPOSE FOR MY LIFE. RIGHT NOW I'M FEELING LIKE I HAVE A NEW LEASE ON THIS LIFE AND THAT IS AN AWESOME FEELING :))
Psalm 30:5 Crying may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
