Alexis and Hope
Susan Washington
Today was kind of a tough day, I just never know how I’m going to feel or what thoughts will enter my mind. This grieving process is new to me, I don’t think I have ever grieved before although I have experienced so much loss . In the past I avoided it , pretended I didn’t feel that way, or tried to numb it. So as I said this is new to me and I am working through it with God by my side.
After I took Riley to school I came back to the house to finish the book “Heaven is for Real”. I have been reading the book for adults ( and I read the one for kids to Riley each night) . It has been a very powerful read for me and very comforting. So I was laying on Alexis’ bed reading and I glanced at the mirror which hangs on her closet door. The other day I tucked the beautiful program from her memorial service into the corner of the mirror because I am going to get a frame for it. There weren’t many left over because so many attended her service so I wanted to be sure to keep this one safe. As I looked at the beautiful picture of my daughter I noticed a program from another memorial that Alexis had taped on her door. . It was the program from Hope Pugh’s service and I got up to take a closer look realizing it has almost been a year since Hope died, she died October 15, 2011. I got incredibly sad as I thought of the loss of these two young girls that both died in tragic car accidents. I guess Alexis taped it on her door after attending the service at New Hope last year. Hope’s death was such a shock and I was so sad for her loss. I remember picking her up and giving her a ride to youth years ago.
Alexis was troubled by Hope’s death I, I could see it on her face but she didn’t want to talk about it. She assured me she was okay and would talk about it when she was ready. I prayed for her very hard during this time understanding how the loss of someone so young can have such an effect on you even if you weren’t that close to them. When you are 19 or 20 you think nothing will happen to you ,that you are invincible, then a friend or an acquaintance dies and your world is turned upside down because it hits so close to home.
So life went on and Alexis must have taped Hope’s program on her closet last October. I never really paid attention or noticed it until today. As I said I got incredibly sad as I looked at the two programs and began to wish that Jesus would come right now so I could see Alexis and the rest of my family again. But then God spoke to me and I felt convicted. The way I was thinking was pretty selfish when there are so many souls at stake, so many people who don’t know the love of Jesus, so many who are hurting and hopeless that need to see Jesus in someone else.
HE reminded me that his purpose for my life is to be the hands and feet of Jesus to the hurting and the hopeless as I share the redemptive and restoring work he has done and continues to do in my life. He reminded me that I was once hopeless and hurting but now His light shines through me and others need to see that. This encounter with the living God revived me and I ran to the store to return some shelves I bought last week, while I was there a woman that knows me from Facebook came up to me and thanked me for the way I share. I smiled and asked her name and we began to talk. She said she had lost a child and even though it had been years ago healing has taken place through my words and the way I share. I was overcome with emotion and silently thanked God for this encounter knowing Alexis’ death is making a difference, drawing people closer to him and that people are seeing Jesus in me through my grief. Pretty powerful stuff !!!!
I sat in my car after I left the store feeling so grateful for how my life has changed since I let Jesus into my heart. God then blessed me again as HE reminded me of the “dream” I had the night Alexis died: Alexis was being hugged by Kathey and they were wearing white flowing gowns and they both looked beautiful. Mother and Daddy were behind them in white as well. What was surprising was that everyone was young, in the prime of their lives not how they looked when they died. It was as if my sister and parents were welcoming Alexis to Heaven and the dream brought me so much comfort but I thought it was just a dream until now.
In the book “Heaven is for Real” Colton ( the young boy who visits Heaven) says that everyone is young in Heaven and that he got to meet his Pop ( his father’s grand dad) and his sister ( who was mis-carried at two months ) His sister was a little girl in Heaven and his great grand dad was a young man even though he died at an old age. The similarities between Colton's experience in Heaven and my “dream" (or maybe it was a vision) was a gift from God to me . OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD AND HE BLESSES ME EVERYDAY EVEN WHEN I START FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. AS I HAVE SAID MY GOAL NOW IS TO HONOR ALEXIS AND GLORIFY GOD LIVING OUT HIS PURPOSE FOR MY LIFE. RIGHT NOW I'M FEELING LIKE I HAVE A NEW LEASE ON THIS LIFE AND THAT IS AN AWESOME FEELING :))
Psalm 30:5 Crying may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
Reader Comments (3)
When i visited for Hope's memorial it was the last sleep over I had with Alexis. At the time I thought I would regret staying up till 4 am talking about everything, but I absolutely don't. I needed that time with her more than sleep, I just wouldn't know it for a while. We talked about how crazy and hard to really believe it was. I think about hope's memorial a lot just because when I came for Alexis', I felt like she should have been there with me.
Susan I am very thankful that God holds & comforts you in so many ways, & that you recognize this. Still, my heart just breaks for you as we are all human and your loss is the most devastating imaginable. I will always be in prayer that God will immerse you with love & healing that knows no bounds. I love you so much & you have been a blessing from God in so many ways <3
I went to school with Alexis and Hope. Hearing of them passing to our Savior was devastating and cold to my heart. But I have only good memories of them both. Two outspoken, friendly, kind young women. I've been reading your posts about Alexis and its really made me re think life. Thank you for being so strong and POSITIVE through a difficult yet peaceful time.. You have encouraged me to love a little harder, and appreciate the simplest moments in life.