Chapter 3 - Ages 18-19 ( Part 2 )

After the fire and the spectacle of what recently happened in my life I was feeling pretty hopeless. All I knew to do was move forward the best I could. It wasn’t long after the fire episode that my mother went through the worse Delirium tremens that I had ever seen. It was night and she was in my old bedroom thrashing about in the bed and screaming that spiders were attacking her. I tried to calm her down, but knew I needed to get her to the hospital.  I had learned from experience how serious this was, that she could die, and needed immediate medical attention. My problem was getting my mother to the car by myself. She was naked, having hallucinations, and shaking violently. The thought of calling for help never occurred to me, even though at this point the neighbors knew something was wrong and I had nothing to hide.  The lingering sense of shame and embarrassment I felt were crushing. I left her room trying to think of what to do and how to do it when she suddenly got up and started running.  The hallucinations she was having were terrifying to her and me. She went out the front door and I frantically ran after her. After catching her and a lot of struggling, I got a robe on her and somehow got her in my car. We drove to Doctor’s Hospital where she detoxed. I can’t remember how long she was there, but it was at least a few days because I remember having to return to visit her. She was still very delirious, but was slowly coming out of the fog. The memory of sitting on the end of her bed at Doctor’s Hospital is still very vivid. This would be the most coherent I would see her before her death. Maybe that is why I remember it. I don’t remember talking. I just remember being with her.

I had someone ask me at the time where she got the alcohol from since she was always so drunk. I didn’t know the answer.

What I do know was we always had money and a car. Maybe she bought a lot of vodka all at once because I kept finding it hidden all over the house. I know when she ran out of vodka she would drink anything and everything that had alcohol in it…perfume, Nyquil, mouthwash, even rubbing alcohol. After detoxing at the hospital, within a day or two, she was back to being passed out every day. The senior prom was my next special event to have happen in my life. It was in May. On prom night, my date came to pick me up. My mother was passed out in the den and I think  my father was at the lake. There was no one to take my picture or see me off. When my date arrived I wanted to get out of the house as quickly as possible because I didn’t want him to see her. I was so afraid she would wake up and do something awful. He asked me about taking pictures. I just shrugged. I didn’t knowing what to do or say, I just wanted to get out of there.      

Next, high school graduation followed prom. Our school had hundreds of graduates and the ceremony seemed to go on forever. It was hot in the Dallas Convention Center. The main thing I remember is all my friends meeting their parents and families, getting hugs, and congratulations. I once again, was alone. As I walked through the crowds I looked anxiously for my father, hoping and praying he had made it there for me. I was so proud I had graduated with honors and I thought he would be proud too. I knew my mother wouldn’t be there because she was already passed out when I left my house earlier. I surely thought my dad be there for me.  He wasn’t. I was heartbroken and felt numb. No one had come to support me. As I looked around, I was certain everyone knew that no one had come for me. The hurt and pain were incomprehensible, but by this point, I was angry too. I think on some level I thought that if I achieved enough and was popular enough my parents would change and pay attention to me. Little did I know? I did not have that power. No matter how amazingly I performed, they were not going to change until they dealt with their own pain. Sadly, this never happened. That night I went to graduation parties and got very drunk. The alcohol dismissed my self control and I remember crying uncontrollably. It was a horrible feeling believing that I didn’t matter to anyone. The next day was a Sunday and I went to the lake with my boyfriend to go water skiing. We had a lot of fun and I was able to forget the pain from the day before. I arrived home fairly late that night and was exhausted. I went straight to my bedroom. After changing clothes, my mother staggered into my bedroom. 

Chapter 3 - Ages 18-19

Chapter Three

Ages 18-19

The secret I’ve kept locked away no one can ever see.

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away

- Linkin Park

Most people from school would probably describe me as a girl who was always smiling with a good sense of humor. I loved school and excelled in academics. 

My senior year I was nominated head cheerleader and that brought a lot of happiness to me, but it also made me more adamant to keep the secret of how miserable my home life was. Another wall built. Toward the end of my senior year, my mother’s alcoholism was completely out of control. I didn’t know how to deal with it on any level. I spent a lot of my time driving around or going to movies alone so I would not have to be in the home with her. My Favorite movie was Ice Castles. I went to see it multiple times by myself. It was a story of a young ice skater whose mother had died. She lived with a father who was emotionally remote. I related to that young girl so well, maybe that is why I went to see it so many times.

 On the special day of my high school’s “red and blue” game (the passing of the torch to the next group of cheerleaders, officially marking the end of my school days) my mother almost burned down our house. My closest friend, Peri, had stopped by my home to pick up something for me and the house was on fire. As she ran into my family home, she found my mother naked in the front room. She managed to put a robe on my mother, grabbed a few things, and went to a neighbor’s house to call the fire department and then my father. After making the calls, she discovered my mother was no longer with her. My mother had gone back into our burning house. As Peri went in to get her, my mom told Peri she wanted to die. She had given up.

Embarrassed about the situation, and after the commotion had died down, I went home. My dad had since come and gone. He had returned to our lake house and it was just me and my mother. I remember I was still in my cheerleading uniform from the earlier ceremony; it would be my last time to ever wear it. This signified the end to so many things; my childhood, my school days, cheerleading, and as you can only imagine, so much more. Although I didn’t realize that at the time, it was also very close to the end of my mother’s life.  I guess her words to Peri were true, she just wanted to die. She had given up. To be honest I think I gave up that day too. I had given up my burning hope that she would quit drinking and that my dad would come home. I think I knew the situation was hopeless and I didn’t know how much longer any of us could go on. I didn’t know if I could take much more. Humiliated and embarrassed by what had happened are the only words I have to describe what I felt. Thank God it was Peri who found her, that was bad enough, but not as bad as if it had been someone else. Peri was my best friend. I had tried so hard to keep her alcoholism a secret. Now the neighbors knew. They not only knew but they saw how truly bad it was. I was overwhelmed with shame. I thought her behavior reflected what type of person I was. That was a heavy burden to carry for an 18 year old girl. I stood up and walked to my mother’s  doorway and watched her. Literally, she was out of her mind. The mattress to her bed had been destroyed by the fire, leaving only the frame and headboard. I guess she didn’t realize that because she had sheets and was trying to make the bed as if there was a mattress. She would throw the sheet over the frame, trip over it, fall, then get up and try again. I stood there watching nervously, chewing on the tip of my thumb (something I had done as a calming mechanism for years). At times I would laugh nervously because it was just so disturbing and I didn’t know what to do. She was not even aware I was there. I felt invisible and so alone. For the first time, bitterness and contempt started to rise within me and I hated her. I was so tired of everything; taking care of her, pretending I was okay, pretending my parents were okay, and this list could go on. After she had fallen into the frame again I was scared she was going to really hurt herself. I went to help her to her feet and guided her to my old bedroom. I put her in my old bed. Covering her with a blanket, I walked toward the door and turned off the light. As I shut the door, I took one last look at her. I went to my room to get ready for whatever plans I had settled on for that night.  Later as I was leaving, I walked into the room to check on her and just to make sure she was breathing. My “normal”. Each day, for as long as I can remember, before I left the house and when I got home, the first thing I did was to make sure she was alive.

The many layers of loss

The other day  I was so blessed at church and God brought forth some healing that I didn’t even realize Riley and I needed . He revealed this need so he could begin the healing process. HE started this revelation on Christmas Day. As we celebrated as a family that day I looked at Riley, Kendall, and Wesley and knew in my heart how truly blessed I am but as I watched them there was pain as well especially as I looked at Riley because there is a missing piece in her life. A piece that Warner and I used to fill but now with the death of Alexis we have evolved and changed into a new role in her life. Kendall and Wesley have their parents plus they have grandparents on both sides. The role of grandparent is so fun; we dote and cuddle with none of the responsibility of the parents. Grandparents get to spoil and have all the fun:))) As I thought about this I looked at Riley and my heart broke because she really doesn’t have any grandparents now that Warner and I stepped into being her parents. I began to grieve for what she is missing out on but I quickly rebuked what I thought was self-pity focusing on how lucky we all are in this tragic loss of Alexis. I decided not to think about it anymore thinking I was just being selfish.
This morning my dear, sweet, wise friend Twila told me God had given her a word for me on the way to church. And with tears in her eyes she said HE told her that Riley not only lost her mother when Alexis died but she lost her Mimi too because I am not that to her anymore and that I not only lost my daughter I also lost my granddaughter. He told her to let me know he would heal that hole and fill it for both me and Riley. He reassured that I am doing what I am and was supposed to do in stepping up but in becoming Riley’s mother there was a huge loss for both of us: an important loss that can’t be ignored but must be revealed and brought out into the light. In that moment I knew I was wrong in the way I handled it. I should always count my blessings and have an attitude of gratitude but if there is grief and loss , even when it is within and seemingly secondary to the grief I am already experiencing, I can’t minimize that loss because in doing so I am just locking away those feelings deep within me. When we do that it may work for a while but one day there will be no more room to push down the pain and it will implode bringing about self destruction. I know because I did that for so long, that was my coping mechanism for the majority of my life and it is so very familiar and easy to turn back to. I am so very thankful to God for opening my eyes to this because this way of coping was just as detrimental as my drug addiction, it paved the way for my addiction to grow. So very grateful for God speaking to Twila too, HE knew I would listen to what she had to say because of who she is in HIM. Feeling very thankful and a little wiser than I was when I woke up.