November 5, 2015- The day that Kendall Died

When I write I heal . It is funny because I never thought about writing. I had a college professor tell me that I wrote like I talked and it made no sense so I always felt my writing was inadequate but after I found the Lord I began to write about my life and that brought insight and healing. I faced the memories that I had denied for so long. After Alexis died I blogged about that day. It helped me to process everything .I want to share that blog with you and then I am going to share about the day Kendall died. The similarities are basically unbelievable and I don’t know what that is about but as always I will trust in the Lord knowing HE is a good good father. I know that HE is good in my heart and soul but even with that valuable knowledge I am still in a lot of pain, heart wrenching pain.  So I hope writing this will help me process my grief the way I was able to journey through the grief when Alexis died.

On Thursday November 5 I woke up as I always do at 6:30 and got Riley up and ready for school. We give the little girl across the street a ride each day so we picked her and her mom ( which is really  her grandma because the little girl’s father was killed tragically not long after Alexis died and the mother was not really a part of her life. They moved to Mardi Gras after their son was killed  in August of 2012 and we became friends months later. It is a God thing for sure because what are the odds plus we have a mutual friend in Melanie. Just crazy how that has happened ) Anyway after dropping Riley and Natalee off at school I brought Stephanie back home then went to get my Starbucks. It was a rainy dreary Thursday morning , and when the weather is like that  especially on a Thursday I always think of Alexis. But I got back home and crawled into bed looking forward to doing nothing but watching TV, writing some, looking at Facebook, and playing Words With Friends.

Sammy left for work a little after nine and it left Warner and me alone. He was not scheduled to work that day and was still sleeping. Around 9:30 or 9:45  Hailey called me. I immediately could tell she was very upset and crying. All she said was Tony and Kendall were in an accident and they wouldn’t tell her how they were. She also said they were at separate hospitals. Tony was at The Medical Center of Plano and Kendall was at Children’s .  Tony’s parents were going to go see Tony and Hailey and I would go to Children’s’ for Kendall. I wanted to ask a million questions but I knew there were no answers.  All I knew was Kendall had preschool on Thursdays and that it started around 8:30 or so. I told her I would be right there to pick her up. I jumped out of bed wearing what I had slept in and told Warner what I knew and left. I told him I would call him when I knew more. I was panicking because I was so scared , it was just so reminiscent of when Alexis died but I just kept praying and telling myself everything  would be okay that I was sure it wasn’t that bad of a wreck.   I called who I always call when I have a crisis : Jill and Melanie. Ironically enough Jill was at the Walmart in Sachse as I was passing by. She could tell I was upset and wanted me to turn around so she could drive me to Hailey but I just had to keep going. She told me she would meet us at Children’s. Melanie offered comfort and support as I drove. Not long after that Hailey called me back and told me the police were going to come pick her up and drive her to Children’s.  My heart dropped but I talked to myself in my head that they were just helping out, they knew Hailey didn’t have a car, they knew Tony’s parents were going to Plano. I had nothing to base it on so I convinced myself it was routine. Then I got on George Bush heading west. I called Jill again to tell her about the police I believe and then came to a stand still on George Bush not far from Central. I was upset that traffic was stopped when I needed to get somewhere so I exited at Central going north and turned around at Plano Parkway going to Children’s that way. ( At the time I didn’t have a clue that it was Tony and Kendall’s accident that still had traffic stopped.) Thankfully I was listening to my music on my phone and not the radio . I then called Sammy to tell him what was going on and I could hear his fear. He wanted to come be with Hailey. I told him to call Tommie, his boss and see what she said. Of course she told him to leave. I work for and with the best company . Finally I got to Children’s and tried to find parking in the Emergency as memories of the day Alexis died kept playing in my mind. There was no parking just like it was that day. I finally found a space and ran in to check into emergency. Hailey was right behind me escorted by the police. A nurse finally came and told us to follow her that a doctor needed to speak with us .They had us go sit in a consultation room and then the doctor walked in. She was a young woman with long beautiful blonde hair and when I looked in her eyes I knew. She couldn’t even make eye contact with Hailey or me and was visibly upset. She then began to cry and told us how sorry she was,  that they had done everything they could. She was so compassionate and kind which was much different than the doctor who told me Alexis was gone. Hailey screamed and cried. I think I screamed and cried. I hurt so badly and was in shock but to see Hailey’s pain was unbearable. A memory came flooding back from our vacation to Galveston in August. As we made that 5 hour trip we really talked and we talked a lot about the day Alexis died. She told me that when she walked into the consulation room she was heartbroken when she looked at me because I looked so very sad. Now I was heartbroken looking at how sad she was . Everything was just so intertwined.  A chaplin came in the room then took us to see Kendall.  It was so hard to see her that way. She was so tiny lying there and bruised from the trauma. It was surreal. We stayed with Kendall.  My heart was breaking for Hailey’s broken heart.

 I had spoken with Jill and she was very near the hospital . So very thankful that Jill is always there for me. By this point I knew Sammy was on his way to be with us but I didn’t want to tell him the news on the phone just like I didn’t when Alexis died so I thought I would wait until he texted me that he was at the hospital. I never got his text , so much was going on that I think I missed calls and everything. All the sudden the door opened and the chaplain said that Richard was here and Sammy walked in . The first thing he saw was Kendall and he screamed “NO”……….. I hated that,  he wasn’t even prepared he didn’t even know.  Everything happened so fast that I don’t recall the order but Hailey’s phone was ringing and it was Tony’s father. She handed it to me and he asked “ how is Kendall ?” and I had to tell him over the phone she was gone. I hated that.  I hated a lot about this day.  It was just so incredibly sad and shocking. Soon others arrived: Warner, Veronica, Shelby, Tucker, and more.  The hospital gave us all the time we needed but finally Hailey was ready to go. We were assured we would get to see Kendall again. The nurses made Hailey a box and took hand prints and foot prints of sweet Kendall Grace. I wanted to make sure Hailey got a lock of Kendall’s hair so the nurses cut some off for her. (That was a huge regret for me when Alexis died. I didn’t think of it and when I did it was too late because we had Alexis creamated. After the funeral I remember I was looking at a brush Alexis used cleaning out the hair and walking toward the trash can. Hailey was watching me and said in the sweetest voice “you should keep that hair if you want”. I almost cried because that was what I wanted to do but I thought it was weird.  I was so glad Hailey made it okay for me. That hair from her brush is still in a bowl that belonged to my grandmother. I am just glad I have it)

We all left the hospital and were headed to see Tony. Hailey, Haven, and Catherine rode with Jill. I rode alone and was glad to be by myself. I was mad at God, I felt this was my  fault, I felt as if I was cursed. All the death in my family , I felt cursed .  I wanted to be gone to protect my children and family from anymore death. I think feeling as if you are cursed is the worst feeling there is.  I yelled at God telling HIM “ It wasn’t fair that my family had lost so many tragically “ I cried to God asking him “Why”  But then I felt HIS presence and embrace and my anger dissolved into sadness and grief. As always HE met me in my suffering and I just sobbed ……………………………………. To be continued.