The insanity of addiction

 I went to a Leadership Conference last weekend called GRG which stands for Growth Resourcing Group and it was very powerful. God spoke to me about many things and I am still  in the process about all of it. Through all of this some memories surfaced that I had not really remembered or at least had not  thought about in a long time even as I was writing my book . It was somewhat surprising that I didn't recall these incidents because they were insane and so very dangerous. Maybe God waited until I was ready to see the magnitude of this craziness and how if not by his grace I could easily be dead or have gotten in a lot more trouble. My life was spinning out of control at such a fast pace I'm surprised I didn't literally crash and burn which I came very close to doing.  From May 26- July 18 there were a chain of events that almost destroyed me. I will just share one but the others will be in my book :)

I shared the other day on my Facebook page with my friends about what had happened on Sunday May 26, 2002 when I got a paraphernalia ticket in Lindale Texas. That event and my reaction to this warning ( I didn’t change a thing and just kept using) was the beginning of a chain of events that were crazy and insane ending with me being locked up on July 18,2002. Actually I had forgotten the details of this craziness until now. The next brick in my window was on June 5, 2002. It was a Wednesday evening and I decided to go get some more drugs from this girl that I had met and was now my drug dealer. From my warped perspective she seemed to have it all together.   She worked full time for a lawyer and dealt drugs on the side. Again as I observed her life it gave me some sort of false hope that this kind of life could work: you can be a drug addict and function in the world. Of course I didn’t really know anything about her life. But when you are living in such desperation the lens in which you view your life becomes very skewed and you don’t see things for how they really are, you see them as what you want them to be.  Since I had relapsed I was trying to justify my use and BELIEVE that it was all going to be okay.  Addiction and Satan are so very cunning  and deceptive, luring you into their tragic trap!! Everything was just so warped, I am amazed when I think about my thought process at that time and how I didn’t recognize the insanity of it all !!!

Anyway I drove with a friend to her house in my dad’s Lexus, which of course I wasn’t supposed to drive. It was 10:00 at night and I got my drugs plus some stuff for my friend. This girl dealt everything: meth , coke, pills, pot ,etc. I can’t remember what I got but we left East Dallas around Ferguson and Gus Thomasson  and  decided to stop at a grocery store to get  some Cokes and Dr. Peppers. By this time it was about 10:30 and as we crossed over 635 I looked in the rear view mirror and saw the flashing lights. I can’t remember why they said they pulled us over and it must have been a somewhat legitimate reason: it wasn’t late, the tags were in my dad’s name , and it wasn’t suspicious for us to be in that part of town. The problem came when they took both of our licenses and ran them : we both came up as convicted felons  with drug charges. Then they came up with a reason to search the car. I had panicked as we got pulled over and when they went to the car to run our licenses  I began to eat the baggies of drugs. Like I said I don’t remember all of what I had but it was a lot of stuff. The meth was in a bag too big to swallow so I got stuck with that. We were arrested and charged with possession and taken to the Mesquite City Jail. I was so scared about what I had ingested thinking I could OD but I didn’t know what to do.  I was too frightened to fall asleep because I thought I might die, I guess I  really didn’t want to die. Somewhere buried deep within me there was still a ray of hope that I could reclaim my life. Thankfully I was not affected at all by these drugs I had swallowed. God was protecting me again.

My dad was irate because his car got impounded. At the time I didn’t know he was in such dire financial straits but his world was about implode on him as well ( it makes me so sad to know how anxious he must have been at that time and he never shared it. Actually he never shared any of his pain or worries. He just stuffed them down and pretended everything was fine. It makes my heart hurt to know his pain and how oblivious I was to it but I forgive my selfishness and will learn from it , that is all I can do. I was very sick at the time)

I spent the night in Mesquite then they moved me to Lew Sterrett in the morning. I kept calling my dad to beg him to bond me out but he wouldn’t take my calls. But finally as I was sitting in a holding cell waiting to go to my pod my name was called that I had made bond. Relief flood my body and I jumped up to leave. My friend who had some how been released on a PR bond came and picked me up. Walking out of Lew Sterrett into the sun on that hot June day was exhilarating, at the time that was the longest I had spent in jail. I was determined to get it together and quit using  because awful things kept happening to me and I hated being locked up.  But as so often happened back then my resolve wavered as the reality of my situation weighed upon me. I now had a new felony charge that I had to deal with and I had to hope and pray my probation officer wouldn’t find this out. Thankfully I didn’t get arrested in Rockwall . Living your life on the edge that way takes such a toll and the only tool I had to deal with the stresses of life were to get high, plus my dad was disgusted with me and let me know it on a regular basis. Again I had let him down. What I wanted and needed most from him was a hug and him telling me no matter what happened that he would love me but instead I got the silent treatment until he got drunk then he lashed out in anger telling me what a loser I was . It was strange but I almost welcomed the abuse because at least then he paid attention to me and I didn't feel invisible.  I was in such a sad , sad place for so very long. Thinking back to that desolate place makes me so much more thankful for where I am today, God is just so good but of course it took me awhile to figure that out and there was much more craziness in that month of June 2002 . The next being the worst of all. Ironically it happened on   Monday June 24, 2002 about the exact same time and in the exact same place  of the tragic bus crash that killed 5 from the Metro Church in Garland . The only difference is I was heading west on I-20 and the bus was heading east but we were in the same place. It was an awful awful day !!

My life is better today than I ever dreamed it could be :)

John 10

The Message (MSG)

A thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.

This morning has been somewhat emotional for me, as anniversaries have always affected me so tremendously. It is about 10:45 and it was exactly 11 years ago that I was sitting on the edge of that bed in some motel room contemplating ending my life because I couldn’t see a way out of the mess I had caused. I was so hopeless, scared, ashamed, and felt as if I was all alone in this world. The thief almost destroyed me that day but through the grace of God I picked up that phone and made a life changing call. The kindness and love of a stranger, who I believe was an angel sent from God to intervene, saved me from that thief and myself.

Hebrews 13 ² Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some have unwittingly entertained angels. Remember the prisoners as if chained with them—those who are mistreated—since you yourselves are in the body also.3

I am so thankful I didn’t die that day : )) God has been so very faithful to me and my life is the best it has ever been. I am the healthiest emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually than I have EVER been. So much healing has taken place. There was a time that I thought I would never be able to shed the guilt and shame that I carried because I felt responsible for so many things ( mother’s alcoholism, mother’s death, Kathey’s death, neglecting my kids, disappointing everyone I loved, etc ) But those destructive emotions are gone and today I live in the freedom that only Jesus Christ can provide and I love to share that hope , it really brings tears to my eyes. I know I go on and on about this but I want everyone to know what the Lord has done for me because HE can do it for anyone and we all need that.

Daniel 4: ² I thought it good to declare the signs and wonders that the Most High God has worked for me.

For so long I searched for joy , peace, and happiness through things of the world and what I have learned is things of the world may gratify but they’ll never satisfy. Only Jesus Christ can give you real peace and joy. It took drug addiction, alcoholism, prison, and a death of a precious 12 year old boy for me to finally get that but today I cling to that relationship with Jesus Christ and thank him continually for saving me from myself and that thief who came so close to stealing, killing, and destroying my life. Today I walk in the freedom that HE freely provides. Smiling through tears of joy and gratitude at this moment !!!

Psalms 47:1 Shout unto God with the voice of triumph.

 God Reigns Scripture  Psalms 47:1

O clap your hands, all ye people; shout unto God with the voice of triumph.

As I was getting ready this morning I looked in the mirror and it dawned on me that it was April 19^th. It was a very powerful moment because I remember looking in a different mirror exactly eleven years ago and the person looking back at me then was exhausted, hopeless, and in such overpowering chains of bondage that I thought I would never get free. I remember leaning on the bathroom counter and just looking at myself , I was so very tired but as always I shook it off , did some meth, and left for school. I never went back into that house again, I never  even set foot inside of it.  I do remember glancing at it in my rear view mirror and taking a deep sigh as I looked at the wrecked car in the driveway and the broken garage door barely hanging on the hinges. Everything in our lives was falling apart literally and figuratively  and I just didn’t know what to do.

At that time when I would begin to feel overwhelmed I would get high and that didn’t even work anymore. At first the drug worked in a cunning, deceptive sort of way making me feel invincible until it had me hooked, then it just had me hooked.  Satan works right through all drugs and addictions.  It just takes you on a downward spiral and all your problems gather speed with a snowball effect until everything is out of control and in total chaos. That is how I felt that morning 11 years ago and things got much worse during my day. My life literally imploded.

But today as I looked at myself in the mirror I smiled at the reflection looking back at me, so happy with where  God has brought me. There is a light in my eyes that wasn’t there 11 years ago. It is HIS light shining through me.

“Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.”  Matthew 5:16

As I drove to work today one song I listened to was Shout unto God by Hillsong United. These words are very powerful

The enemy has been defeated
And death couldn't hold You down
We're gonna lift our voice in victory
We're gonna make Your praises loud

Shout unto God with a voice of triumph
Shout unto God with a voice of praise
Shout unto God with a voice of triumph
We lift Your name up
We lift Your name up

So with an attitude of gratitude I gave a shout unto God with a voice of triumph for defeating the enemy in this area of my life. He has freed me from the chains of addiction : )) Don’t worry that I feel too sure of myself because I know my strength and my ability to overcome has nothing to do with me , it is HE who lives within me that gives me strength. I am always on guard and alert because I know the enemy is watching hoping to ensnare me again but I will stay strong in the Lord and put on my armor every day !!!

1 John 4:4

"You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world,"

1 Peter 5:8

⁸ Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

Ephesians 6

¹⁰ Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. ¹¹ Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

Below is a clip from me sharing my testimony and talking about April 19,2001

April 19th from Susan DeFace Washington on Vimeo.

Things are not always what they appear

Things are not always what they appear. When we are going through trials, times of confusion or even suffering, God may have a purpose we just can’t see. So don’t cave into the sometimes dismal appearance of circumstances. Instead anticipate what God will do through those circumstances. Secondly, during those times don’t be discouraged when you have to wait for God to answer. His wisdom is perfect and so is His timing. He sees the whole picture when we see only a bit of it. Trust God that He has a purpose in the delay. And thirdly, don’t be one who always assumes the worst. Instead, try to see the possibility of what God can do, and be ready to embrace it when it comes.

God is in control. He loves us with an infinite, unconditional love.  And He never makes a mistake. In short, we can trust God, even when we don’t understand everything.

I read this today and it made me think back to April 2001 when I was charged and indicted for manufacturing meth. Feeling sorry for myself at the time because we had been caught and got in trouble while people we knew were still using . I didn't understand and thought we were the most unlucky people in the world and that God ( I believed in HIM although I did not know HIM at all then) must hate us for letting this happen. It just seemed so unfair.

Wow what a difference  eleven years make :)) Now I see he had a purpose for all of this and he allowed all of those things to happen so he could save me and be glorified. I almost  have 10 years clean , July 15 , 2012 will be 10 years,  because of his mercy and grace in stopping me from my destructive path by locking me up. Those other people I referred to are still struggling , some have died in their addiction, some are in prison for long sentences, and their children have not been able to witness the transformational power of God in their mother's life.

Now I know I was the lucky one, well of course it wasn't luck because God is completely sovereign over everything and for some reason he picked me, that is what is so humbling. I am so very undeserving and he still chose me . It was always all part of HIS plan and I don't know why he set me apart from my other friends using but I get down on my knees and thank him everyday  for stopping me, loving me , and choosing me to share his story of redemption in my life.

Things are not always what they appear- always remember that !!

Romans 5

New King James Version (NKJV)

Faith Triumphs in Trouble

³ And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; ⁴ and perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

An Invitation to speak at Career Day :)

Something really cool just happened. My friend Tammy  suggested that I be a guest speaker for a Career Day at an elementary school in Irving . Today I received an email from Yvette, the counselor at this school and Skyline 79 Alumni, with a form to fill out asking me to share in the classroom.  I was super excited about this and wondered what career I would share about :  the one as an educator,  a felon, cashier, or new home sales assistant : )))  But down deep I really wondered if she knew my story and if she would still want me if she did.  I don’t really remember Yvette and we aren’t face book friends. 

Somewhat excitedly and with a little reservation I filled out the form agreeing to share from 8:15 – 8:55 and faxed it to her.  After that I called Yvette because I knew I had to let her know my history. I also messaged Tammy and she told me she didn’t tell her my story but she had sent her my website, so that gave me a little peace.

Finally I reached Yvette and asked her if she knew about my life and she said “No I haven’t heard anything “. My heart sunk a little but I knew I had to tell her the truth even if it resulted in her rescinding my invitation to speak. I started out just letting her know I had been to prison. She was kind of speechless and I was sure she was about to say she didn’t need me but instead she asked what had happened.  Telling her the Reader’s Digest Version of my life I ended my story and just waited.  She then spoke with excitement and asked me if I could speak later in the day so I could speak to the whole 5^th grade and maybe the 4^th   too. She thought her students could benefit greatly from my story , that many could relate to the pain I had as a child and hopefully not make the same mistakes I did later, but in the end know there is always hope and to never give up.

I was floored because I was just so ready to be rejected but she accepted me and still wants me to be a part of this.  I was so touched at how excited she was.  I know God will give me the words and the message to say that will reach these young hearts and minds. Again I am blown away by HIS grace. It was the first time in a very long time that I felt a twinge of embarrassment about the things I have done but I knew I could not shrink back because of fear; I had to step out in boldness and tell the truth regardless of the consequences.  And I did that: ))   fully prepared for whatever might  happen good or bad.  Because of HIS amazing GRACE there was no rejection.  It was good for me to have to do this. Feeling pretty awesome right now, smiling from ear to ear, and knowing HIS light is shining from within me, my blonde hair is a little brighter right now : )))