The insanity of addiction

 I went to a Leadership Conference last weekend called GRG which stands for Growth Resourcing Group and it was very powerful. God spoke to me about many things and I am still  in the process about all of it. Through all of this some memories surfaced that I had not really remembered or at least had not  thought about in a long time even as I was writing my book . It was somewhat surprising that I didn't recall these incidents because they were insane and so very dangerous. Maybe God waited until I was ready to see the magnitude of this craziness and how if not by his grace I could easily be dead or have gotten in a lot more trouble. My life was spinning out of control at such a fast pace I'm surprised I didn't literally crash and burn which I came very close to doing.  From May 26- July 18 there were a chain of events that almost destroyed me. I will just share one but the others will be in my book :)

I shared the other day on my Facebook page with my friends about what had happened on Sunday May 26, 2002 when I got a paraphernalia ticket in Lindale Texas. That event and my reaction to this warning ( I didn’t change a thing and just kept using) was the beginning of a chain of events that were crazy and insane ending with me being locked up on July 18,2002. Actually I had forgotten the details of this craziness until now. The next brick in my window was on June 5, 2002. It was a Wednesday evening and I decided to go get some more drugs from this girl that I had met and was now my drug dealer. From my warped perspective she seemed to have it all together.   She worked full time for a lawyer and dealt drugs on the side. Again as I observed her life it gave me some sort of false hope that this kind of life could work: you can be a drug addict and function in the world. Of course I didn’t really know anything about her life. But when you are living in such desperation the lens in which you view your life becomes very skewed and you don’t see things for how they really are, you see them as what you want them to be.  Since I had relapsed I was trying to justify my use and BELIEVE that it was all going to be okay.  Addiction and Satan are so very cunning  and deceptive, luring you into their tragic trap!! Everything was just so warped, I am amazed when I think about my thought process at that time and how I didn’t recognize the insanity of it all !!!

Anyway I drove with a friend to her house in my dad’s Lexus, which of course I wasn’t supposed to drive. It was 10:00 at night and I got my drugs plus some stuff for my friend. This girl dealt everything: meth , coke, pills, pot ,etc. I can’t remember what I got but we left East Dallas around Ferguson and Gus Thomasson  and  decided to stop at a grocery store to get  some Cokes and Dr. Peppers. By this time it was about 10:30 and as we crossed over 635 I looked in the rear view mirror and saw the flashing lights. I can’t remember why they said they pulled us over and it must have been a somewhat legitimate reason: it wasn’t late, the tags were in my dad’s name , and it wasn’t suspicious for us to be in that part of town. The problem came when they took both of our licenses and ran them : we both came up as convicted felons  with drug charges. Then they came up with a reason to search the car. I had panicked as we got pulled over and when they went to the car to run our licenses  I began to eat the baggies of drugs. Like I said I don’t remember all of what I had but it was a lot of stuff. The meth was in a bag too big to swallow so I got stuck with that. We were arrested and charged with possession and taken to the Mesquite City Jail. I was so scared about what I had ingested thinking I could OD but I didn’t know what to do.  I was too frightened to fall asleep because I thought I might die, I guess I  really didn’t want to die. Somewhere buried deep within me there was still a ray of hope that I could reclaim my life. Thankfully I was not affected at all by these drugs I had swallowed. God was protecting me again.

My dad was irate because his car got impounded. At the time I didn’t know he was in such dire financial straits but his world was about implode on him as well ( it makes me so sad to know how anxious he must have been at that time and he never shared it. Actually he never shared any of his pain or worries. He just stuffed them down and pretended everything was fine. It makes my heart hurt to know his pain and how oblivious I was to it but I forgive my selfishness and will learn from it , that is all I can do. I was very sick at the time)

I spent the night in Mesquite then they moved me to Lew Sterrett in the morning. I kept calling my dad to beg him to bond me out but he wouldn’t take my calls. But finally as I was sitting in a holding cell waiting to go to my pod my name was called that I had made bond. Relief flood my body and I jumped up to leave. My friend who had some how been released on a PR bond came and picked me up. Walking out of Lew Sterrett into the sun on that hot June day was exhilarating, at the time that was the longest I had spent in jail. I was determined to get it together and quit using  because awful things kept happening to me and I hated being locked up.  But as so often happened back then my resolve wavered as the reality of my situation weighed upon me. I now had a new felony charge that I had to deal with and I had to hope and pray my probation officer wouldn’t find this out. Thankfully I didn’t get arrested in Rockwall . Living your life on the edge that way takes such a toll and the only tool I had to deal with the stresses of life were to get high, plus my dad was disgusted with me and let me know it on a regular basis. Again I had let him down. What I wanted and needed most from him was a hug and him telling me no matter what happened that he would love me but instead I got the silent treatment until he got drunk then he lashed out in anger telling me what a loser I was . It was strange but I almost welcomed the abuse because at least then he paid attention to me and I didn't feel invisible.  I was in such a sad , sad place for so very long. Thinking back to that desolate place makes me so much more thankful for where I am today, God is just so good but of course it took me awhile to figure that out and there was much more craziness in that month of June 2002 . The next being the worst of all. Ironically it happened on   Monday June 24, 2002 about the exact same time and in the exact same place  of the tragic bus crash that killed 5 from the Metro Church in Garland . The only difference is I was heading west on I-20 and the bus was heading east but we were in the same place. It was an awful awful day !!