My Journal: God spoke to me and I want to share :)

Last weekend was an awesome time of spending time with God, refreshing and rebuilding established and new relationships,  and diving into and engaging all that God has for me and my journey with him. It was very powerful and I am still processing the things God spoke to me. I love it when he speaks to me so very clearly so I want to share that with you. This weekend there were leaders from all over the world who have laid down their lives, died to themselves, and moved across the world to be the hands and feet of Jesus to people who do not know him and haven’t even heard of him. I was in awe of their dedication to  God’s call on their lives and their selflessness. As I met  them and talked with them it made me take a hard look at myself wondering if I am doing enough, if my dream of writing this book and pursuing a  career as a motivational speaker are selfish on my part. I called out to God because in the depth of my spirit I believed it was HE who placed this dream within me. So I prayed and LISTENED (which is very important when communicating with God) and finally when I was still I heard His voice and I knew it was God speaking to me. Those are moments I cherish most of all. I just want to share my journal from this time.

 You know what I struggle with the most is if I'm  making a real difference in people's lives  when there is such overwhelming hopelessness, shame, and lonliness everywhere . After we got back from the Growth Weekend in Lindale I met up with some friends who had gathered in celebration of the 50^th year anniversary of the elementary school we all attended.  I missed the event but caught up with everyone at a place called Goodfriends which is located in our old East Dallas neighborhood. God totally blessed me through people there as many came up and hugged me telling me they enjoyed my website and blog .It touched my heart so much because I had been feeling so insecure that all the encouragement was edifying putting a smile on my face and heart. I was touched to the point of tears as I shared how much support I received. It was inspiring to me and more confirmation of what I am trying to do and how God will use it to touch other’s lives.

 When I left Goodfriends about 6 or so I went down Buckner to I-30 and there were two homeless guys sitting on the ground with a sign that said "dirty, broke, and hungry". I was not in a lane where I could do anything, although I wanted to give them some money, but as I stopped at the stop sign I looked into their eyes and I just saw an emptiness and hopelessness that broke my heart. They were so very dirty, sun burned, and looked desperate. I had to get on I- 30 but I exited on Big Town Blvd. and looped back around so I could give them some money. I only had 5 dollars cash and I pulled up and rolled down my window saying hello. One of them had piercings all over his face and he looked up surprised and walked to my window. I just handed him the money and said God Bless You. He smiled sadly and said God bless back to me. Tears formed in my eyes as I drove off because there wasn't  anything I could really do to help and I cried tears of gratitude also because it wasn't me on that corner,  it could have easily gone that way but  for some reason I was saved and blessed.  I am so very thankful for that and because I have been so blessed I think I need to do more.  I get really scared I am being selfish with this idea of writing a book and being a speaker, that maybe I should be in the streets, fighting the battle, and reaching out to those who are so hopeless, I just don't know.  I will never forget their faces or their eyes because there was such nothingness in them and I just wanted them to feel love and accepted by me and know I wasn't judging them in any way but I couldn't park and I was somewhat scared. In a way I was a coward and just handed them some money hoping that would ease their pain and I know that isn't enough. I want to do so much more so I prayed and what I heard I shared below.
 

My thoughts are leaning toward the idea that God will use me and my story as a bridge to connect the middle class to those who live in this state of hopelessness that is so often accompanied by drug addiction and homelessness. Because maybe these middle class or upper middle class people can relate to me on some level that they can't to a homeless drug addict. Since I grew up and lived most of my life in a middle class environment they may see themselves in me and see that it could happen to them. That if we don’t deal with our stuff and if we let the pain of life become unbearable we could easily turn to drugs which could rob us of everything we hold dear. One choice leads to another and then one day your teaching school and the next you wake up in prison slopping pigs and you wonder what on earth happened.  And maybe my story will plant a seed of compassion that will replace any root of judgment or condemnation prompting them to step out of their own little worlds which are so comfortable and see the sheer desperation that is happening right in their own backyards  . And they will see that it isn't their ( the hurting , homeless, and broken )  fault , these people have been so deeply wounded by lives so hard  it is incomprehensible. And maybe just maybe instead of looking away from this agony and humiliation that is so uncomfortable to witness they will behold it on some level and have the courage to to be wounded by the pain of these hurting people and that takes an unbelievable amount of courage because it hurts so deeply. And once they face and feel that pain maybe they can move beyond the internal barriers they have erected to protect themselves and face their own demons and pain which will bring forth the  healing they need  in their lives. We all have something to face whether it is demons, giants, or obstacles and God wants us to face them head on because he will be there with us but that takes faith and courage.   At least that is my hope. I just don't want to be selfish ,  I want to make a real difference in ALL people’s lives . That is my heart and I don’t ever want my life to become about me there are so many souls at stake. I want people to know there is hope.

Comments

[Patti Gilpin]

Susan, as you were writing, my fear was that people would stop reading for the very reasons that you concluded:

Because everyone has there own rote response as to to how to feel to the very raw pain and desolation that is right in front of us, everywhere, on a daily basis. Giving to
people on the corner brings up a multitude of rationales.

Giving one's last cent in their pocket, along with rolling down your window, smiling, saying Hello! and exchanging blessings with "those people" and turning around a good five miles to do so, is the behaviour of a lunatic.

We know that is not the case.

Further, I think your tender and delicate heart would get behind on your work, if you were always "in the field". These moments, I know, come with enough frequency to
keep you in the lap of the Humility about which you are concerned.

The work that you are soldiering to do at this time, in this space, is exactly measured for your strength and your reach. The influence and the way in which your story will
appeal and apply is in context right now according to God's Will or the door would be cemented shut.

The Way I have heard tell, when it it Meant to be, God makes a Way where there is no Way...and it takes but the slightest nudge to Open the Door.

May God continue to Bless and Keep you, Snowy, and All whose Path you cross.

xo :D