The Rose

Hosea 2:15  I will make the Valley of Achor (Trouble) a door of hope and expectation for her.

Mornings are the toughest and sleep has not come easy. I wake up crying, these tears are coming from deep within my soul and spirit. God is so good and I am trusting HIM with all my heart. He blessed me with a sign this morning as I prayed. He used a photo HE has used before to confirm HIS call on my life . The life and death of our Alexis Rose Washington will lead many to the Lord, it already has.  So I feel  led to share this photo again.

What became apparent last time was the plaque that reads : You are now entering your mission field ( he confirmed he wants me to be a speaker : ) and what became apparent today was the vase of roses on the table beside me.  They look as if they are an extension of me. Tears formed in my eyes as I thought of the power in this picture and how God keeps revealing more to me through this amazing photo.

Then I remembered a string of emails between my sister Kathey and her friend Barbara. In these emails that started about a year before her death and ended a few months before she died Kathey and Barbara shared their lives, hopes, dreams, and faith. She talked about God and how her relationship with him specifically knowing Him as the God of the triune ( God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit)  sustained her through so many of our family’s tragedies . She only referred to one scripture which was Psalm 121 which was the first scripture I felt led to memorize after the Virginia Tech massacre ( I didn’t know of these e-mails then). That was not a coincidence, that was God ‘s tapestry weaving in our lives . It is a sign from HIM that I can go back to when I struggle, HE knew.

In these e-mails Kathey referred to one song  : The Rose by Bette Midler, I didn’t realize this song meant so much to her but this is not a coincidence either, this is a precious sign from God to brind me comfort during this sorrowful time .   I thought of  the Kathey’s emails  today as I saw the vase of Roses that look to be an extension of me in the photo of me praying.  Alexis , my Rosebud, is an extension of me and will always be in my heart. It is another one of God’s gifts showing the tapestry of how our lives are intertwined and I know my precious Rosebud is with my precious sister in Heaven.

More importantly I know what God expects me to do : SHARE HIS LOVE AND GRACE TO A HURTING WORLD AND LET THEM KNOW THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE EVEN IN THEIR DARKEST HOUR (S).  ( that was my blog on June 5 two days before she died, at that time I thought I knew my darkest hour  thinking my world couldn’t or wouldn’t get any darker BUT it did and as I am IN the midst of this  darkness  HE surrounds me with HIS LIGHT and that LIGHT  shines brighter.

Light is more apparent in the Darkness and of course more needed so I am going to let HIS light SHINE BRIGHT from within  during this very dark time.  This tragedy has broken me more but I know LIGHT shines more brightly through broken vessels there are now more cracks for HIS LIGHT to shine through.  I want HIS LIGHT to be apparent in me.  TRUSTING HIM COMPLETELY AND HIS PLAN. 

So thankful for all the prayers and support. Here are the words to the song , again the only song, my sister Kathey shared in her email  and of course my daughter’s middle name. God is amazing. This song is perfect for Alexis, she is the ROSE and I named her well.  She is a seed that will produce a great harvest !!!!

“The Rose”

Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
And you its only seed.

It’s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It’s the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It’s the one who won’t be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin’
That never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong,
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun’s love
In the spring becomes the rose.

Roses have long been a symbol for LOVE. We know Alexis loved BIG and we now know how much she was LOVED. I am so glad she can witness from heaven the difference she made. She didn’t believe that while on this earth. Let your friends  and family know how much they mean to you, you never know when it will be their time. LOVE BIG like Alexis Rose did : )) We can’t love BIG in our own strength we have rely on JESUS !!!

Hosea 2:15  I will make the Valley of Achor (Trouble) a door of hope and expectation for her.

Alexis Rose Washington Memorial Video

Alexis Rose Washington from Susan DeFace Washington on Vimeo.

A Special Letter from the Jensen's

We have known Susan Washington for more than 8 years. We first met her when our children began playing sports together. Our son, Alex, was especially close to Susan’s son, Sammy. Sammy and Alex played together on a local Wylie football team for 5^th and 6^th graders. As we got to know Susan, we began reaching out to her, casually inviting her to church on occasions, but she always had ‘other plans ‘or work obligations.

Just after Christmas in 2004, we lost our 12-year-old son Alex in a tragic skiing accident while vacationing in Colorado. This was one of the most defining moments of our lives as a family. We quickly realized that the important aspects of Alex’s short 12 years of life here on earth boiled down to the people and relationships he had poured himself into. First, Alex had a relationship with God, and out of that he truly loved other people. And so we found ourselves doing the same thing. We got up each day, relied on our relationship with God, and poured our lives into others. It gave us meaning. It gave us life. We continued to reach out to Susan. Offering simple friendship was all we really had to give.

Over the following weeks and months after Alex’s death, we began to see a remarkable difference in Susan’s life. Previously Susan had been cold to the idea of sharing the deeper things of life, or even just going with us to church or a small group. Susan began opening up and sharing more and more with us as time progressed. Eventually, she opened up and shared how she had fallen into alcohol and drug abuse that led to her incarceration. We listened, offered her a hug, and loved her. It wasn’t until a few years later, when Susan began to share her story with others, that we fully understood the impact that our family had on her life.

Only after Susan began sharing her story publicly did we realize the weight of the pain that she had been carrying from her childhood. She shared with us that after Alex died, she was certain that our family would fall apart the same way her family fell apart when she was a child.

Susan’s story is one of tragedy, like so many others, but the incredible difference is how Susan changed the trajectory of her life into one with such a bright future. She’s still working through things in life, like all of us have to, but we are so proud of Susan and how she’s chosen to pursue a different course.

It’s been amazing to watch the transformation in Susan’s life. We are blessed that God used us in some small way. In the end, God did everything, but we are truly blessed that our lives and our story had an impact in her life along the way.

Susan’s story is one of powerful transformation and redemption. It will encourage you and give you hope that you can truly overcome life’s greatest struggles and tragedies. You can find purpose and meaning behind your past hurts and use them to help others and make the world a better place.

We love you Susan!

Dan & Kerri Jensen

Henri Nouwen reflected :“You don’t think your way into a new kind of living. You live your way into a new kind of thinking”.

Psalm 119 :

 ¹⁰⁵ Your word is a lamp to guide my feet
    and a light for my path.
¹⁰⁶ I’ve promised it once, and I’ll promise it again:
    I will obey your righteous regulations.
¹⁰⁷ I have suffered much, O Lord;
    restore my life again as you promised.
¹⁰⁸ Lord, accept my offering of praise,
    and teach me your regulations.
¹⁰⁹ My life constantly hangs in the balance,
    but I will not stop obeying your instructions.
¹¹⁰ The wicked have set their traps for me,
    but I will not turn from your commandments

Henri Nouwen reflected, “You don’t think your way into a new kind of living. You live your way into a new kind of thinking”.

And the way we live our way into a new kind of thinking is by being obedient to God’s instructions for our life and living out HIS WORD.

This really touched me and as I reflected on my life I found such truth in it. My thinking got so skewed when I was a drug addict and there was such insanity that it is terrifying to look back at who I was and how I was thinking. I was nuts!!

For instance toward the end of my run as a drug addict I quit drinking alcohol:  I basically quit drinking all liquids because that is what meth does to you. You get really dehydrated.  One day I was locked in my bathroom getting high and realized that I hadn’t drank any beer or alcohol in over a month. I got really excited and took another hit off my pipe smiling at myself with pride in the mirror thinking I wasn’t like my parents at all. My goal had been not to be like them in any way and I had achieved that goal or so I thought in the recesses of my altered mind :  I wasn’t an  alcoholic  who was passed out all the time !!!  I was really proud of this “accomplishment” as I smoked methamphetamine out of a glass pipe, locked in a bathroom, while neglecting my kids. It was INSANITY at its worst and I didn’t recognize that until I got arrested and they threw away the key for a year. It was very disturbing to see how “off” I was and didn’t even realize it. I was so blinded to the truth and I NEVER wanted that to happen again.

When I went to prison my goal was just to obey the rules whether I agreed with them or not.  “Just obey ,  don’t over think,  and don’t compromise!!!” was what I repeated to myself.   I couldn’t afford to do it my way anymore, doing it my way ended with me in prison. It was in prison that the motto for my life became “NO COMPROMISES” and I have tried to continue that since I have been out.  Even though I didn’t know God at that time, in his mercy and grace,  he gave me revelation into the dangers of making those small compromises that change who we are , what we believe, and how we think a little at a time .This happens at such a slow pace we aren’t even aware of the changes in place until we look in the mirror and don’t recognize who is looking back at us.  So with my best resolve I tried not to compromise in my morals, values, or the rules.

(Now there was a situation in prison where I did compromise but I weighed the consequences, thought it through and was willing to take the risk. If I got in trouble I would own it but the bottom line was I really wanted to help another inmate. There was a very sweet girl that had been locked up for about 10 years. She had no family, no commissary, and no outside support but she had a great attitude with a smile always on her face. The way she made money (and by that I mean someone bought her commissary) was by doing other inmates laundry (white t-shirts they had purchased). It was against rules to buy commissary for other inmates and if you did you could get a case and get in trouble.  She was awesome at this job, the clothes came out so brilliantly white I was totally amazed !!  : ))To be amazed at a white t- shirt in prison is saying something because that is all we wore: EVERYTHING WAS WHITE except our army green coats. She had perfected this skill. One of her best customers had paroled and she came and asked me if I needed any laundry done and I told her sure even though I didn’t really care about my t-shirts, I really  just wanted to help her out. She would do the laundry and I would buy her stuff when I went to commissary. It wasn’t much, mainly personal hygiene products and coffee. I would beg her to let me by her some candy or something fun and sometimes she would relent and say okay. The day I bought her a pint of bluebell  ice cream ( cookies and cream ) as a surprise is a day I will never forget . The look of excitement and gratitude made her always smiling face beam brighter. That was such a gift to me and I could have cared less if I got in trouble or not. Now I’m not sure if that was right because I did break the rules and therefore compromised  but I know I will never forget the smile on her face as she ate that ice cream and how it made my heart feel to help someone less fortunate than myself. As I said I thought about it and was willing to risk getting in trouble. I just wanted to be honest about my “No Compromise “ motto : ))) And honestly I still make compromises but I do try and always examine the motives of my heart and what I my true intentions are when I do. This is tough stuff !!!)

Today as I read Henri Nouwen’s reflection I realized that has come true in my life: “ I have lived my way into a new kind of thinking”  There are things I did 10 years ago that I wouldn’t even consider doing today and most of them were small things  ( now of course there were the huge things also but it is usually by compromising in the small gray areas that our thinking becomes distorted  and then compromising in the huge areas just doesn’t seem that bad)  that weren’t black and white , they were actions that fell into the gray areas (at least in my mind ) where it was easier to justify and rationalize the action ( for instance I had gone to the grocery store and bought a lot of groceries. I had put a case of diet cokes on the bottom of the cart and the clerk did not charge me for them . When I unloaded my groceries and looked over my receipt I noticed the error and thought it was my lucky day because I got a free case of cokes. I didn’t once think about returning to pay for them because “it wasn’t my fault” “ the clerk should have paid more attention” etc. Today I would go back immediately to pay , I would not entertain any thoughts of any other action. So I have lived my way into a new way of thinking because His word is now a lamp to my feet and I know if I make the smallest compromise in my morals or values that come from HIS word I have cracked the window to my soul giving the enemy a chance to trap me again. Now I sin everyday but my struggles have changed over the last decade because of the way I have lived and the way I now think. I think it is called sanctification; he is peeling back the layers and working on me a little at a time.

The insanity of addiction

 I went to a Leadership Conference last weekend called GRG which stands for Growth Resourcing Group and it was very powerful. God spoke to me about many things and I am still  in the process about all of it. Through all of this some memories surfaced that I had not really remembered or at least had not  thought about in a long time even as I was writing my book . It was somewhat surprising that I didn't recall these incidents because they were insane and so very dangerous. Maybe God waited until I was ready to see the magnitude of this craziness and how if not by his grace I could easily be dead or have gotten in a lot more trouble. My life was spinning out of control at such a fast pace I'm surprised I didn't literally crash and burn which I came very close to doing.  From May 26- July 18 there were a chain of events that almost destroyed me. I will just share one but the others will be in my book :)

I shared the other day on my Facebook page with my friends about what had happened on Sunday May 26, 2002 when I got a paraphernalia ticket in Lindale Texas. That event and my reaction to this warning ( I didn’t change a thing and just kept using) was the beginning of a chain of events that were crazy and insane ending with me being locked up on July 18,2002. Actually I had forgotten the details of this craziness until now. The next brick in my window was on June 5, 2002. It was a Wednesday evening and I decided to go get some more drugs from this girl that I had met and was now my drug dealer. From my warped perspective she seemed to have it all together.   She worked full time for a lawyer and dealt drugs on the side. Again as I observed her life it gave me some sort of false hope that this kind of life could work: you can be a drug addict and function in the world. Of course I didn’t really know anything about her life. But when you are living in such desperation the lens in which you view your life becomes very skewed and you don’t see things for how they really are, you see them as what you want them to be.  Since I had relapsed I was trying to justify my use and BELIEVE that it was all going to be okay.  Addiction and Satan are so very cunning  and deceptive, luring you into their tragic trap!! Everything was just so warped, I am amazed when I think about my thought process at that time and how I didn’t recognize the insanity of it all !!!

Anyway I drove with a friend to her house in my dad’s Lexus, which of course I wasn’t supposed to drive. It was 10:00 at night and I got my drugs plus some stuff for my friend. This girl dealt everything: meth , coke, pills, pot ,etc. I can’t remember what I got but we left East Dallas around Ferguson and Gus Thomasson  and  decided to stop at a grocery store to get  some Cokes and Dr. Peppers. By this time it was about 10:30 and as we crossed over 635 I looked in the rear view mirror and saw the flashing lights. I can’t remember why they said they pulled us over and it must have been a somewhat legitimate reason: it wasn’t late, the tags were in my dad’s name , and it wasn’t suspicious for us to be in that part of town. The problem came when they took both of our licenses and ran them : we both came up as convicted felons  with drug charges. Then they came up with a reason to search the car. I had panicked as we got pulled over and when they went to the car to run our licenses  I began to eat the baggies of drugs. Like I said I don’t remember all of what I had but it was a lot of stuff. The meth was in a bag too big to swallow so I got stuck with that. We were arrested and charged with possession and taken to the Mesquite City Jail. I was so scared about what I had ingested thinking I could OD but I didn’t know what to do.  I was too frightened to fall asleep because I thought I might die, I guess I  really didn’t want to die. Somewhere buried deep within me there was still a ray of hope that I could reclaim my life. Thankfully I was not affected at all by these drugs I had swallowed. God was protecting me again.

My dad was irate because his car got impounded. At the time I didn’t know he was in such dire financial straits but his world was about implode on him as well ( it makes me so sad to know how anxious he must have been at that time and he never shared it. Actually he never shared any of his pain or worries. He just stuffed them down and pretended everything was fine. It makes my heart hurt to know his pain and how oblivious I was to it but I forgive my selfishness and will learn from it , that is all I can do. I was very sick at the time)

I spent the night in Mesquite then they moved me to Lew Sterrett in the morning. I kept calling my dad to beg him to bond me out but he wouldn’t take my calls. But finally as I was sitting in a holding cell waiting to go to my pod my name was called that I had made bond. Relief flood my body and I jumped up to leave. My friend who had some how been released on a PR bond came and picked me up. Walking out of Lew Sterrett into the sun on that hot June day was exhilarating, at the time that was the longest I had spent in jail. I was determined to get it together and quit using  because awful things kept happening to me and I hated being locked up.  But as so often happened back then my resolve wavered as the reality of my situation weighed upon me. I now had a new felony charge that I had to deal with and I had to hope and pray my probation officer wouldn’t find this out. Thankfully I didn’t get arrested in Rockwall . Living your life on the edge that way takes such a toll and the only tool I had to deal with the stresses of life were to get high, plus my dad was disgusted with me and let me know it on a regular basis. Again I had let him down. What I wanted and needed most from him was a hug and him telling me no matter what happened that he would love me but instead I got the silent treatment until he got drunk then he lashed out in anger telling me what a loser I was . It was strange but I almost welcomed the abuse because at least then he paid attention to me and I didn't feel invisible.  I was in such a sad , sad place for so very long. Thinking back to that desolate place makes me so much more thankful for where I am today, God is just so good but of course it took me awhile to figure that out and there was much more craziness in that month of June 2002 . The next being the worst of all. Ironically it happened on   Monday June 24, 2002 about the exact same time and in the exact same place  of the tragic bus crash that killed 5 from the Metro Church in Garland . The only difference is I was heading west on I-20 and the bus was heading east but we were in the same place. It was an awful awful day !!