“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.”

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.”– Henry David Thoreau

Yesterday at church Riley really wanted to get a snowflake off the tree to help a child whose family is struggling this Christmas so we picked one and Riley is going to earn money by doing things around the house to buy the present. There have been MANY...years that my family was on that tree because we have struggled financially for so long. Her giving heart melted mine : )) She is really excited about this although she wishes we would have picked a girl but I reminded her SHE picked the snowflake she wanted and that boys are just as good as girls: )) She reluctantly agreed.

Later she had found some change somewhere and asked me if I could open her owl purse so she could put the money in there. As I was opening the purse I asked her if she was going to save this money to buy the present for our snowflake child . She said “ No no Mommy this is found money , I want to use earned money to buy the present for the little boy “ I just smiled wondering where this found money came from and remembering back to when my kids would “find” change on our dresser and "take" it.

Once I called Alexis out on STEALING the money and she looked at me shocked and said “ Mom it’s not stealing when it’s change it’s only stealing if it is paper money !!!” I was dumbfounded on how that moral and value came to be but it was one I had to really work on to discredit: )). Maybe “the it is okay to take change” moral was birthed because Hailey worked at Sonic and had jars of change in her room so it just seemed okay to take change because it was in such abundance. I think Hailey’s change earned an Olive Garden party for one of Sammy’s classes in middle school : )) This made me laugh as I remembered because I can picture the look of indignation on Alexis’ face as I tried to point out that taking ANYTHING that was not yours was stealing : ))

Anyhow Riley’s sweet heart made me think back to Alexis and her sweet and giving heart (although somewhat skewed morals in taking what isn’t yours ) and how she looked at things. When I got out of prison we were living in a small trailer off Parker. At that time we were the poorest we had ever been. I wasn’t working, Warner was working at Albertson’s, we only had one car and didn’t even have cable. There was no extra money to go out to eat, for movies, for anything. It was a tough time although it was a time I remember fondly because we were finally back together as a family after spending about three years apart because of the consequences of our drug problems. That first holiday season the Christian Care Center donated some food to us to help us out. We were very grateful although the kids weren’t aware of the help.

I unpacked the canned goods and put them away . One morning after the kids got on the bus to go to school I went to see what I could “cook” for dinner and was shocked because all the food was gone. I didn’t know what happened, I called Warner at work and he didn’t have a clue either.

Well later that day as Alexis and Sammy got off the bus and came running in I questioned them about the food . Sammy said he didn’t know what had happened but Alexis looked at me with excitement. She then told me she took all our food to her school because they were having a canned food drive to help the poor and she really wanted to help those less fortunate. I just smiled and hugged her.

I didn’t have the heart to tell her we were the poor they were helping because she didn’t see us that way. When she looked at our family she saw we had more than enough so she wanted to share it. My heart melted. I think Riley is a lot like her motherAnyhow Riley’s sweet heart made me think back to Alexis and her sweet and giving heart (although somewhat skewed morals in taking what isn’t yours ) and how she looked at things. When I got out of prison we were living in a small trailer off Parker. At that time we were the poorest we had ever been. I wasn’t working,

Warner was working at Albertson’s, we only had one car and didn’t even have cable. There was no extra money to go out to eat, for movies, for anything. It was a tough time although it was a time I remember fondly because we were finally back together as a family after spending about three years apart because of the consequences of our drug problems.

That first holiday season the Christian Care Center donated some food to us to help us out. We were very grateful although the kids weren’t aware of the help. I unpacked the canned goods and put them away . One morning after the kids got on the bus to go to school I went to see what I could “cook” for dinner and was shocked because all the food was gone.

I didn’t know what happened , I called Warner at work and he didn’t have a clue either. Well later that day as Alexis and Sammy got off the bus and came running in I questioned them about the food . Sammy said he didn’t know what had happened but Alexis looked at me with excitement. She then told me she took all our food to her school because they were having a canned food drive to help the poor and she really wanted to help those less fortunate. I just smiled and hugged her. 

I didn’t have the heart to tell her we were the poor they were helping because she didn’t see us that way. When she looked at our family she saw we had more than enough so she wanted to share it. My heart melted. I think Riley is a lot like her mother

Alexis Rose Washington ( June 7,2012) The day that seemed to never end.

We headed down Parker Road and were in Wylie before I knew it. After passing the Sonic  I glanced over at the old trailer we lived in when I first got out of prison. It seemed a lifetime ago and tears formed in my eyes as I thought  of those words because it was true  Alexis’ lifetime was over. A funny memory surfaced  of Alexis getting off the school bus one afternoon . As she ran to our trailer she looked back at her friends on the bus to wave and ran into a pole falling down.  She was so embarrassed but she was laughing at herself also. She was blessed with the gift of laughing at herself. I focused my attention on the winding road still confused about where she died but as we passed McMillan Rd Jill pointed and said it was there. We pulled off on the road by the cabinet shop and parked. I think I got out and walked around.  The orange paint in the grass and the tire tracks marked the scene. There was something plastic that was  pink and blue , it was in shattered pieces. I tried  to pick them up and figure out what they were but there was just too many , all I knew is it was a toy of Riley’s . I swallowed hard feeling thankful that Riley was safe at Jenn’s . I didn’t even want to imagine what would have happened if she would have been in the car.

 We left for Jill’s house  and met everyone there. We hadn’t been there five minutes when the home team I used to attend began to arrive with food and drinks . We learned her friends had organized a candle light vigil at New Hope which was so very sweet. Mel called me and said she would be there as soon as possible and would bring me some clothes. I was in a dress and high heels. I honestly don’t know if I will ever wear that dress again. I washed it yesterday and it brought upon a wave of sadness. It was the dress I was wearing in the photo where I am standing in the blue office and you can see my reflection in the picture of the boats being tossed by the storm. It was the dress I wore last year to celebrate the birth of my dear friend Melanie. There have been so many storms in my life, this being by far the worst but I kept reminding myself  I was standing on the other side of that storm with a smile of victory on my face. Maybe God gave me insight into that photo knowing I would think of it today and knowing I would be wearing that dress. He knows every detail of our intricate lives.  Nothing happens by chance and nothing happens that he does not allow.

We got down to business and started making the arrangements for Alexis. Honestly the only option we had was cremation because of cost but that was okay. Of course I didn’t know her wishes like I knew my dad’s because I never imagined losing my child. Kerri and Dan Jensen were walking us through this process. They had a public viewing for their son Alex before cremation and we thought about that but the difference in cost was about 3000 so we decided upon a basic cremation with a family viewing. Thankfully Jill called and made all those arrangements. Not long after that I got a call that Alexis had registered to be a donor and there was a list of questions to answer. She couldn’t donate organs because they didn’t use a ventilator ( I think) but she could donate tissue. It made me cry that she had registered .  What a thoughtful , thoughtful young girl.  The questions took about 30 minutes and some of the questions were crazy . ( if she had been transplanted with animal parts or being around others who had . They asked if she had had diseases that I had never heard of. It was a long and exhausting conversation and I almost lost my cool. I understand it was important just so very hard to answer at that time.)

At some point I did a  post on facebook because the news was traveling fast and I had received some condolences so I knew it would be best to announce the death of my daughter.  Immediately after  posting the news the encouragement started pouring in. It was so comforting to read everyone’s concern. Mel called all our close friends and I called my neice , nephews, and my brother in law Carl.

Warner, Sammy, Hailey, Riley, and I went back to the site. This was tough as we walked around where she took her last breath. I am a crier but I don’t think I have ever cried tears that came from so deep within. It is hard  to explain but these tears came from the depth of my spirit and soul. This is a grief I have never known and I am so familiar with grief.  Sammy picked up something that we knew was part of her car, we think the door handle to I grabbed it and it is in my purse. Every now and then I pull it out and hold it in my hand rubbing it, it is somewhat comforting as  my fingers fit perfectley around it. That may sound morbid but it gives me comfort.

 Riley looked at the pink and blue pieces of plastic and told us that was from her bucket that they would take to the lake. Sadly she said she used it to make sand castles. As she said that I thought of the photos Alexis had posted recently of Riley swimming at the lake and the sand castles they made. A wave a grief washed over me again. The range of emotions were overwhelming.

At moments I would yell at God asking him "WHY?", I felt it wasn't fair I had lost so much already, I was trying to serve HIM and share HIS love and grace with a hurting world. I was trying to be so obedient and I thought it JUST wasn't fair but then a peace would wash over me calming me down and I would remember HIS word and recite it over and over. Specifically Proverbs 3 :5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart lean not on your own understanding . I could almost physically feel HIS embrace and I could rest in his peace, at least for a moment.

We headed back to Jills and around 6:30 or so Mel, Lisa, and Delaine arrived. They brought me Starbucks and some turkey and cheese. I smiled that my friends knew me so well and I felt so very loved , I love to eat meat.  They came in and hung out until we left for the candle light vigil. We all got in our cars and headed to New Hope.

The Rose

Hosea 2:15  I will make the Valley of Achor (Trouble) a door of hope and expectation for her.

Mornings are the toughest and sleep has not come easy. I wake up crying, these tears are coming from deep within my soul and spirit. God is so good and I am trusting HIM with all my heart. He blessed me with a sign this morning as I prayed. He used a photo HE has used before to confirm HIS call on my life . The life and death of our Alexis Rose Washington will lead many to the Lord, it already has.  So I feel  led to share this photo again.

What became apparent last time was the plaque that reads : You are now entering your mission field ( he confirmed he wants me to be a speaker : ) and what became apparent today was the vase of roses on the table beside me.  They look as if they are an extension of me. Tears formed in my eyes as I thought of the power in this picture and how God keeps revealing more to me through this amazing photo.

Then I remembered a string of emails between my sister Kathey and her friend Barbara. In these emails that started about a year before her death and ended a few months before she died Kathey and Barbara shared their lives, hopes, dreams, and faith. She talked about God and how her relationship with him specifically knowing Him as the God of the triune ( God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit)  sustained her through so many of our family’s tragedies . She only referred to one scripture which was Psalm 121 which was the first scripture I felt led to memorize after the Virginia Tech massacre ( I didn’t know of these e-mails then). That was not a coincidence, that was God ‘s tapestry weaving in our lives . It is a sign from HIM that I can go back to when I struggle, HE knew.

In these e-mails Kathey referred to one song  : The Rose by Bette Midler, I didn’t realize this song meant so much to her but this is not a coincidence either, this is a precious sign from God to brind me comfort during this sorrowful time .   I thought of  the Kathey’s emails  today as I saw the vase of Roses that look to be an extension of me in the photo of me praying.  Alexis , my Rosebud, is an extension of me and will always be in my heart. It is another one of God’s gifts showing the tapestry of how our lives are intertwined and I know my precious Rosebud is with my precious sister in Heaven.

More importantly I know what God expects me to do : SHARE HIS LOVE AND GRACE TO A HURTING WORLD AND LET THEM KNOW THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE EVEN IN THEIR DARKEST HOUR (S).  ( that was my blog on June 5 two days before she died, at that time I thought I knew my darkest hour  thinking my world couldn’t or wouldn’t get any darker BUT it did and as I am IN the midst of this  darkness  HE surrounds me with HIS LIGHT and that LIGHT  shines brighter.

Light is more apparent in the Darkness and of course more needed so I am going to let HIS light SHINE BRIGHT from within  during this very dark time.  This tragedy has broken me more but I know LIGHT shines more brightly through broken vessels there are now more cracks for HIS LIGHT to shine through.  I want HIS LIGHT to be apparent in me.  TRUSTING HIM COMPLETELY AND HIS PLAN. 

So thankful for all the prayers and support. Here are the words to the song , again the only song, my sister Kathey shared in her email  and of course my daughter’s middle name. God is amazing. This song is perfect for Alexis, she is the ROSE and I named her well.  She is a seed that will produce a great harvest !!!!

“The Rose”

Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
And you its only seed.

It’s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It’s the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It’s the one who won’t be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin’
That never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong,
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun’s love
In the spring becomes the rose.

Roses have long been a symbol for LOVE. We know Alexis loved BIG and we now know how much she was LOVED. I am so glad she can witness from heaven the difference she made. She didn’t believe that while on this earth. Let your friends  and family know how much they mean to you, you never know when it will be their time. LOVE BIG like Alexis Rose did : )) We can’t love BIG in our own strength we have rely on JESUS !!!

Hosea 2:15  I will make the Valley of Achor (Trouble) a door of hope and expectation for her.

Alexis Rose Washington Memorial Video

Alexis Rose Washington from Susan DeFace Washington on Vimeo.