The Summer of '79

The scene must have been very upsetting to the lady working there because she came running into the room where the casket was and tried to stop me. Concerned for me she started hugging me, telling me it was going to be okay. She started crying as well because she was not sure how to help me.

Embarrassed, I quickly regained my composure and apologized for my behavior  then became stoic again. Deep down inside I knew it was never going to be okay because I honestly believed I had killed my Mom. I was never going to have a chance to apologize or take back those horrible words I said to her. I hated myself as I walked to my car to return home.

The funeral was held at the  chapel  in the funeral home on Military Parkway .  I really don’t remember much about it. What I do remember is as the service ended and I stood up to walk down the aisle I was shocked at how many kids from my high school were there. My friends had come to support me even some from junior high school attended. My heart was deeply touched by this outpouring of support but the accusing thoughts would not end and I thought if they knew what I said to my mom they wouldn’t be here.  My thoughts were “They don’t know how bad I really am”. The mask I had always worn went back on but it was different now, there was so much more to hide and I felt so very tired. 

After the funeral a few of  my friends and I went on a graduation trip to Hawaii. Peri and I had planned this trip for over a year and were so excited about it. Cheri, Patty , and a girl named Laura joined us . We left not long after burying momma. It was good to get away from it all and I was an expert and pushing my emotions down so I had fun on the surface at least. We spent our days on the beach soaking in the sun, I even took up surfing: ))  Peri laughed  as I lugged around my huge surf board and gave me the nickname Gidget because we had just watch  the move Gidget and Gidget goes Hawaiian before we left for Hawaii . We spent our nights dancing the night away at the various discos to “We Are Family”, “Cocaine”, “YMCA” “Knock on Wood” and all the popular songs at the time. Then we would catch a pedi cab and go get some tacos at Jack in the Box ( thank God for tacos from Jack in Box even in Hawaii)  :)) It was a much needed break from my tragic reality. We returned home for a week and then Peri, my dad, and I  went to Arkansas for a week to  Lake Ouachita. A yearly  trip we always took since before David died but this year it was different, it was just sad and depressing.  That would be the last vacation we ever took. I dreaded returning home , fearing my new normal. The first thing I learned after arriving back in Dallas was my boyfriend had a new girlfriend. I was devastated and heart broken. The rejection I felt was overwhelming.

After the funeral, things returned to “normal.”  Sadly my dad went back to the lake house and I stayed in the family house on Van Pelt. I was by myself and alone again.  I had felt alone before because momma was always passed out but now I was truly by myself and my job as a caretaker was over. There was no purpose to my life now. There was nothing to do in that big empty house

This proved to be one of the darkest times in my life. I had no skills to cope with day to day life or the tools to even begin the grieving process. I just shut the door to the room where she died and never went in there.

Fear paralyzed me  all the time and I couldn’t escape the darkness. Everything reminded me of death.. I also closed the doors to the room where my brother David had died. This simple act made me feel I could shut out all the darkness so that it could not get me. It would be trapped and not consume me.

That summer was the start of the most disturbing recurring nightmares. This evil dream came every night without fail. In the nightmare I would be in the house and my mother and brother would appear in clown makeup. They were riding tricycles, chasing me, and taunting me.  I would run from them down an endless hallway looking back frantically fearing they were gaining ground. They wore maniacal smiles as they pedaled the tricycles grabbing at me but never catching me.    They would be screaming what a horrible excuse of a person I was and why hadn’t I been a better daughter to my mother? They would blame me for killing her.  They said I was a murderer.

Then suddenly I would jerk awake in a cold sweat, crying uncontrollably. Getting up, still in a somewhat fog,  I would run across the hall to my parents room  hoping to find someone to comfort me but then it would all come back and  I would remember I was  all alone in that house where they both died such tragic deaths. And then I would cry myself back to sleep hoping the evil clowns wouldn’t visit  me again. I felt so isolated from the world and everyone in it.  It was such a horrific experience and time for me. I’m troubled even now as I write about it.

June 11, 2012 Part 2- A Celebration of Alexis Rose's Life

Peri and I drove to Wylie and met Hailey, Tony, Sammy, Shelby, Warner, and Riley at our house. We then followed each other up to New Hope. It was about 5:30. There were only a few cars there so we parked and went into the church.  The lobby looked so nice. There was a table with some of Alexis’ favorite things and items that we thought best described Alexis.

We put the bear and blanket she made for Riley there and the “prom” dress she had sewn.  Her camera and photos sat atop the table as well. We were escorted into one of the rooms where my life group was serving us dinner. As I walked in I saw my sister’s children.  Courtney and his wife Brea , Chris and his wife Joy who had driven in from Amarillo, and my niece Jennifer  who drove in from San Antonio . My brother in law Carl was there as well with his wife Susan.

Then Warner’s parents arrived and his sister Mary and her husband Keith.  Melanie arrived not long after as well as my good friend Cheri. It was nice to see all the familiar faces and to sit down for  a dinner. Cheri and Peri had a lot of fun talking with my niece and nephews because they had helped me babysit them numerous times at Cedar Creek Lake, when we were in our young twenties,  when my sister and Carl would go on a trip.

Somewhat anxious I had to get up and move around. I walked toward the “sanctuary” and opened the door. My breath was taken away as I looked at all the beautiful flowers at the front of the church. There were tons of flowers, plants, and sprays so I went to read all of the cards. As I was admiring all the flowers my friend Linda began to play the  music video of Alexis .

This was the first time I heard and saw the songs combined with the photos and I began to cry because of the reality of it all. Taking a deep breath I pulled myself together to try and practice what I was going to say.  My mind could not focus so I threw away my notes and said a prayer letting God know I needed him .

The others had finished dinner and it was getting close to 7 so everyone trickled into the church. My family and I stood at the door as the guests began to arrive.  My heart was overflowing at all the people who kept streaming in handing me cards. It was decided that the family and close friends would go sit down as the guests were ushered to their seats. At that point I wasn’t really aware of who had come. We sat on the first two rows and then my daughter's funeral began. It still seemed unreal that she was really gone.

We started with worship and the songs I had chosen were Healer and Shout to the Lord. As Kerri , Rita, and Courtney began to sing and play I rose from my chair lifting my hands up to my God and singing from the depth of my heart.

I needed to feel HIS presence at the moment more than I ever had, I needed HIM to be my refuge and my strength. My hands were lifted praising my God claiming HIS goodness as the tears streamed down my face. It was one of the most emotional moments of my life. The song Hurt and Healer describes those moments perfectly “where glory meets my suffering“. It was overwhelming.

I think after the worship we played the music video to the songs “Angel” and “Over You”. I am confused about the order events but I will do my best. That was probably the most emotional for everyone because we looked at the life of Alexis: her family, her friends, her humor, and of course her loving relationship with our  Riley Roo. A clip to the video is below.

Alexis Rose Washington from Susan DeFace Washington on Vimeo.

After the worship time Jake Vicknair New Hopes Youth Pastor spoke first . He shared about when he first came to New Hope and was told he had a pregnant teen in his group.  He wondered how this pregnant teen would handle everything. He said that Alexis always fit in and always paid attention. After she had Riley she brought her friends to youth and two of those girls had become leaders at New Hope and one of them , her friend Katie, was serving in Africa as a short term missionary. And even though Alexis had strayed from church he was amazed at the impact she had. You never know whose lives you impact .

After Jake spoke Alexis’ grandfather Warner Washington Jr. came up to read scripture. This was nothing new to him, he has been a priest  in the Episcopal Church then a Deacon in the Catholic church for his entire adult life. He had performed many types of services but never the funeral for his grandchild. Tears began to flow again. After Warner read from the Bible Keith introduced us : Alexis’ immediate family.

Like I said I didn’t know what I was going to say all I knew is God was going to speak through me.  Keith introduced us then Warner, Hailey, Sammy, Riley, and I went up on the stage. We each took turns speaking and Warner began. He shared two funny stories about Alexis: once she had called 911 on her Grandy because he wouldn’t let her play. She told the officers she was being abused.  

The Wylie Police arrived at the Washington household to investigate these charges made against Warner who was a pillar in the community, a deacon at the Catholic Church, and had never had so much as a traffic ticket J  The next story Alexis’ dad shared was about the two records Alexis held at Wylie High School: One for the most consecutive days in ISS and the other for the most tardies. He also shared how she had snuck into a cabinet to avoid Friday Night School. Everyone laughed with us because Alexis was such a funny girl. Next Sammy shared, he talked about how tough Alexis was and how she could beat anyone including him which everyone laughed again. He just shared about how much he would miss her because they were so very close not even a year apart. They would talk for hours about the hopes, dreams, and problems.

He always imagined growing old with her. He was having a hard time imagining life without her. Hailey Beth was next and the most emotional of the group; she loved Alexis so much and just felt so bad that for so many years they didn’t get along. Then it was my turn and honestly I don’t know what I said. I think I shared  my love for her and my love for God knowing he was with us during this tragic time. What I wanted to convey was the difference in my life since I had made Jesus my savior. Life is so different when you have hope even in the most tragic circumstances.  And there is hope because you know God is on his throne in the good times and bad.

Our family : Hailey, Sammy , Warner, Riley, and I sharing our love for Alexis

Then Keith Spurgin , New Hope’s pastor, spoke. It was  moving and impactful . I think many hearts were changed in that moment and he even felt led to ask people who didn’t know Jesus but wanted and needed him to raise their hands. It was estimated that over 200 gave their hearts to Jesus that night. Alexis’ death had made and is still making an eternal difference. Because of that I can honestly say it is worth it. Because of my faith I know I will see her again and it will seem like in a flash as Keith had said “Alexis was gone in a flash” and we could be too. Live for today and secure your eternal future now.

After Keith was done my classmate Deryl Dodd played his guitar and sang Where the River flows I believe and people started greeting  us.

My heart was overcome with gratefulness and thankfulness as friends from so many different walks of my life came to hug my neck. There were friends from elementary school, junior high, high school, friends I taught with in Amarillo and Garland and people from my church who worked so hard to make this such a beautiful ceremony .

People who drove hours to support me and my family. People who took time out of their busy evening to pay their respects to my daughter. And that doesn’t even scratch the surface of the young adults who knew Alexis that came to say goodbye to our funny funny girl. It was a beautiful celebration of her life. As the crowd of 600 + began to trickle out we started loading up our cars with all the flowers .

We left some for the church , and sent some with friends and decided to take the remainder to the crash site. The reality was sinking in and I began to feel so anxious about what to do next because now there was nothing to do or plan. I had been preoccupied with the busyness of getting ready for the service and now I didn’t know what would I would do. Melanie was leaving the country and I was housesitting for her and I had a list to do each day.

It was a simple list but I was thankful knowing if I could perform those tasks : feeding the dogs, watering the plants, and winding the clock I would feel a sense of accomplishment. I couldn’t imagine much more , the idea of work was overwhelming. I would just focus on the tasks right in front of me and try not to imagine how I was going to survive the rest of my life without my daughter. I took a deep significant breath knowing I would survive and thrive one breath at a time. 

I had experience with this and I knew God would get me through it this time as well the main difference is this time I knew where to get my strength. Sighing sadly I knew I was going to make it.

We loaded up in our cars with all the flowers and headed to the crash site. 

Our family at the cross with all the flower from the service. It was and is so very beautiful and peaceful

A closer look at the beautiful flowers.

June 11, 2012- The day of Alexis Rose Washington's Funeral - Part 1

From my Blog : June 8-10: Tough days !! Not only did I lose my daughter I lost a dear friend. Posted on

 October 31, 2012 :  We got back to Mel's and I went to sleep anxious about what tomorrow would bring. As the sun came through the blinds in my room at Mel's the heart wrenching sobs began again. It was June 11, 2012 the day of my daughter’s funeral.

Melanie opened the door to the room I was sleeping in because she heard my sobs and said  with tears in her eyes “Oh Susan , is there anything I can do ?” I just smiled sadly and nodded no so thankful for my good friends.  I got up and had coffee with Mel and Peri. Mel had to go to work but would meet us at the church that evening so it was a day to spend with Peri. Peri had been one of my dearest friends since we met in 8^th grade and I grabbed her hair in shock because I had never seen so much hair on one person : ))  From that moment forward we were inseparable. It was Peri who saved my mother from our burning home when she passed out in a drunken stupor and dropped a lit cigarette in her bed. And although we had drifted apart because of we went different paths in life each time we reconnected it was like we had never been a part. To be with Peri was comfortably familiar and I needed that with this loss. She had been there for me with every loss ( mother, Kathey, and Daddy) but this loss cut the deepest so I was just so grateful for her presence.

We left Mel’s to go to Wylie and our dear friend Cheri came with us. I needed to drop off an obituary at the Wylie News and take Jake, New Hope’s Youth Pastor who would be speaking, some notes about Alexis and he was going to let me know what he would say.

The last time Peri had been to Wylie we stopped by the house and saw Alexis and picked up Riley then we went to Sonic to visit Hailey and Sammy. It was quite a visit at Sonic as Sammy and Hailey’s co workers came to get an autograph from the television star. Peri loved the feeling of Wylie back then, just that small town Texas feel and that had not changed.

We drove into downtown Wylie to visit the Wylie News and walked around downtown . I don’t think I know of many downtowns that are as quaint as downtown Wylie. We then went to the flower shop because I wanted to buy a rose to take to the cross. Both Peri and Cheri made orders for the funeral and got something to lay at the cross. At some point Riley joined us and we went to the cross. It is just such a beautiful place and I am so thankful that if she had to die she died there.

Peri and Riley at the cross the day of the funeral 

Warner, Riley, and I at the cross on the day of Alexis' funeral.

Visiting the site where my daughter died on the day of her funeral. I am wearing the shirt she wore just two weeks before on Memorial Day at Mel's. 

Alexis, Shelby, and I on Memorial Day 2012. Exactly two short weeks before Alexis' funeral. I wore the shirt she is wearing on June 11.

After visiting the cross Peri, Cheri , and I  went to New Hope. The church was bustling with activity . We spoke to Jake in the parking lot and then went to see Kerri and Rita who were practicing for the service. We sat down and I walked to the podium and in tears asked Rita to play for me. She played the keyboard and sang as the spirit led . It was a healing powerful moment that Peri captured on video. Later Rita told me she didn’t realize that was Peri with me. She has been a fan of Peri’s for a very long time , she loved her on Frasier. She said she was glad she didn’t know or she would have been nervous  playing in front of her. It must have been a God thing because I know Peri is now a fan of Rita’s : ))

Rita singing to me from Susan DeFace Washington on Vimeo.

We then left the church to go get mani pedis and get ready for the service. We needed to be back at the church by 5:30 for a dinner provided to the family and close friends. Peri told me she had arranged for Deryl Dodd to play at the funeral as well. He would sing during the closing. All I could think was “Wow” two of Skyline’s most famous alumni would be performing at the service for the daughter of one of the most infamous, me. God is certainly amazing how he orchestrated all of this.  I was on pins and needles feeling so anxious hoping and praying the service would be beautiful for my rosebud. I was still in shock and couldn’t believe my baby was gone.

We went back  to Mel’s and started getting ready for my youngest daughter's  funeral.

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.”

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.”– Henry David Thoreau

Yesterday at church Riley really wanted to get a snowflake off the tree to help a child whose family is struggling this Christmas so we picked one and Riley is going to earn money by doing things around the house to buy the present. There have been MANY...years that my family was on that tree because we have struggled financially for so long. Her giving heart melted mine : )) She is really excited about this although she wishes we would have picked a girl but I reminded her SHE picked the snowflake she wanted and that boys are just as good as girls: )) She reluctantly agreed.

Later she had found some change somewhere and asked me if I could open her owl purse so she could put the money in there. As I was opening the purse I asked her if she was going to save this money to buy the present for our snowflake child . She said “ No no Mommy this is found money , I want to use earned money to buy the present for the little boy “ I just smiled wondering where this found money came from and remembering back to when my kids would “find” change on our dresser and "take" it.

Once I called Alexis out on STEALING the money and she looked at me shocked and said “ Mom it’s not stealing when it’s change it’s only stealing if it is paper money !!!” I was dumbfounded on how that moral and value came to be but it was one I had to really work on to discredit: )). Maybe “the it is okay to take change” moral was birthed because Hailey worked at Sonic and had jars of change in her room so it just seemed okay to take change because it was in such abundance. I think Hailey’s change earned an Olive Garden party for one of Sammy’s classes in middle school : )) This made me laugh as I remembered because I can picture the look of indignation on Alexis’ face as I tried to point out that taking ANYTHING that was not yours was stealing : ))

Anyhow Riley’s sweet heart made me think back to Alexis and her sweet and giving heart (although somewhat skewed morals in taking what isn’t yours ) and how she looked at things. When I got out of prison we were living in a small trailer off Parker. At that time we were the poorest we had ever been. I wasn’t working, Warner was working at Albertson’s, we only had one car and didn’t even have cable. There was no extra money to go out to eat, for movies, for anything. It was a tough time although it was a time I remember fondly because we were finally back together as a family after spending about three years apart because of the consequences of our drug problems. That first holiday season the Christian Care Center donated some food to us to help us out. We were very grateful although the kids weren’t aware of the help.

I unpacked the canned goods and put them away . One morning after the kids got on the bus to go to school I went to see what I could “cook” for dinner and was shocked because all the food was gone. I didn’t know what happened, I called Warner at work and he didn’t have a clue either.

Well later that day as Alexis and Sammy got off the bus and came running in I questioned them about the food . Sammy said he didn’t know what had happened but Alexis looked at me with excitement. She then told me she took all our food to her school because they were having a canned food drive to help the poor and she really wanted to help those less fortunate. I just smiled and hugged her.

I didn’t have the heart to tell her we were the poor they were helping because she didn’t see us that way. When she looked at our family she saw we had more than enough so she wanted to share it. My heart melted. I think Riley is a lot like her motherAnyhow Riley’s sweet heart made me think back to Alexis and her sweet and giving heart (although somewhat skewed morals in taking what isn’t yours ) and how she looked at things. When I got out of prison we were living in a small trailer off Parker. At that time we were the poorest we had ever been. I wasn’t working,

Warner was working at Albertson’s, we only had one car and didn’t even have cable. There was no extra money to go out to eat, for movies, for anything. It was a tough time although it was a time I remember fondly because we were finally back together as a family after spending about three years apart because of the consequences of our drug problems.

That first holiday season the Christian Care Center donated some food to us to help us out. We were very grateful although the kids weren’t aware of the help. I unpacked the canned goods and put them away . One morning after the kids got on the bus to go to school I went to see what I could “cook” for dinner and was shocked because all the food was gone.

I didn’t know what happened , I called Warner at work and he didn’t have a clue either. Well later that day as Alexis and Sammy got off the bus and came running in I questioned them about the food . Sammy said he didn’t know what had happened but Alexis looked at me with excitement. She then told me she took all our food to her school because they were having a canned food drive to help the poor and she really wanted to help those less fortunate. I just smiled and hugged her. 

I didn’t have the heart to tell her we were the poor they were helping because she didn’t see us that way. When she looked at our family she saw we had more than enough so she wanted to share it. My heart melted. I think Riley is a lot like her mother

Part 2 : God reached down from the Heavens and gently touched my heart

The hometeam I decided to attend was the one the Jensen’s went to, it was made up of a variety of people and quite a few of them had boys the same age as Sammy . The first night I attended I had to make myself go and I really didn’t want to but the words Keith spoke to me about developing relationships kept going through my mind and I made myself walk into the home that night.

I had no intention of being honest ever because I feared rejection and that fear was planted deep in my heart and I really didn’t know how to develop honest relationships because I had been wearing a mask with a plastic smile as far back as I could remember. I was a mess but at least I was a sober mess. That night I decided to just listen and see what this was all about .

All I knew is I needed change but I didn’t know how instigate that because I had so many dysfunctional behaviors ingrained and buried so deep I didn’t recognize them as dysfunctional. That night we started off with worship music and then a man was going to share his testimony because he was going to be doing that at church the next Sunday and this was his practice run. I knew this man from a distance and his life seemed perfect to me. As he began to share what had happened in his life I was shocked !! I would have never guessed he had been through so much. As I left that night I felt a little hope for the first time, that maybe I wasn’t so alone in this world.

 Now I wasn’t ready to share by any means because although he had been through a lot the things I had done were so much worse. I just never thought they would accept me, fear had me trapped.  The next Wed was a gorgeous spring evening and we sat outside in a circle. Many in this group had attended an encounter the weekend before and they were sharing what God had revealed to them. God still seemed like an abstract concept to me, I believed in him somewhat but I still didn’t get it. All I knew is that Kerri and Dan had some power in their life and I knew I wanted that,  well needed it desperately,  but I wanted it on my conditions. I did not want to be honest , there was a power struggle going on within me.

People shared their experience as we went around the circle and it was finally Dan’s turn. With tears in his eyes he shared that he had been having feelings of guilt about not spending more time with Alex and now he was gone. This had been very hard on him and at the encounter God revealed that those feelings of guilt were not from him. As he shared his regrets and the feelings of guilt he had I began to feel very anxious, this was hitting too close to home. From that point forward I don’t remember what he said but I was overcome with memories, the memories that I felt so guilty about for so long.

The guilt that I had tried so desperately to numb with drugs and alcohol. It was as if my life flashed before my eyes: my brother’s suicide, not going to AA with my mother after she begged me, telling mother I hated her and wished she were dead , finding her body the next day, the recurring nightmare of mother and David accusing me of being a killer, my grandfather’s suicide, not being there for my sister when she was dying of cancer after all she had done for me , disappointing my father by being arrested and the public spectacle of it all, picturing my poor children’s face as CPS came and took them from school, the fear in their eyes when I relapsed and continued to lie, getting sent to prison………….

I was bombarded with my life and it was too much, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. It felt as if I was under water and I could not get my breath until I spoke out the truth of who I was or who I thought I was ( a loser, drug addict, excon, murderer, worthless, unlovable…..) because who I thought I was , was a LIE . A LIE I accepted so long ago, July 4 ,1971, when my brother committed suicide and it seemed like my existence didn’t matter anymore. It had a strong hold over me.

After the flood of memories started to slow I felt as if God reached down from the Heavens and gently touched my heart breaking down the walls I had spent a life time building and in that instant I was broken. Sobbing I fell to the ground and just started sharing my life, everything that had happened to me and everything I had done. I really wasn’t aware of what was going on around me but gradually I regained my composure and self control. Slowly I lifted my head expecting judgment and condemnation.