My Facebook Post from June 7, 2011

It has been a VERY slow day at work so I scrolled through Facebook. I usually just look at this past year when I go back but today I decided to see what was on my mind June 7, 2011 a year to the day before Alexis died. I was sharing about the darkest period of my life , never would I have imagined it could get darker but it did. The only difference is there was a light that I could cling to when Alexis died that was not there when my mother passed. I just thought I would take you back to June 7, 2011 which takes you back to June of 1979. This has inspired to work hard on my book, I am almost done :))

The summer after mother’s death was one of the darkest periods of my life. Early in that summer I went to Hawaii with friends and then right after that to Lake Ouachita in Arkansas, this was a trip we took every year. After those vacations I returned to the house on Van Pelt and lived there alone because my dad returned to the lake. I hated living in that house; there were just so many painful memories . In my mind it just seemed to be a house of death . Although I was eighteen and considered an adult I was still a child and should have never been left in that situation but that was my reality. David’s room always reminded me of his suicide and my childhood room always made me think of mother’s death so I shut the doors to those rooms trying to shut out the darkness that was enveloping me. Not long after living there alone I started having a recurring nightmare that I dreamed EVERY night. In the dream my mother and brother were dressed as evil clowns riding tricycles chasing me through the house. The house seemed endless and as they rode after me they kept taunting me and accusing me of killing my mother. I would run from them looking over my shoulder terrified they would catch me but they never did. Finally I would wake up in a cold sweat, crying uncontrollably both saddened and relieved that I was alone. Too scared to go back to sleep I spent a lot of time watching TV. I just felt so alone during this time . I was too scared to open up to anyone and tell them what was going on or about the demonic dream because I believed I killed my mom. It was just a time of torture and I was being spiritually attacked every day. My plans after graduation had always been to go to the University of Texas and room with Peri. That was my dream but for some reason , which I don’t understand to this day, I decided I needed to stay home since my mother had died. The irony of it all was I didn’t have a home, I only had a house to live in and a house that was full of pain for me . So I stayed in the house on Van Pelt and lived alone attending Eastfield. To be honest I don’t know how I did it, I was in survival mode and I don’t know what propelled me to move forward but I did attend school and made good grades. I am proud of that but the unwarranted burden I was carrying was getting heavier and something was going to have to change or I was going to fall apart and lose it.

Comments below :

Joe D. Baker I can't imagine what that all must have been like. I had every advantage (not financially, although we weren't poor; but a loving and supportive family that encouraged me), and almost washed out in spite of all those advantages.

June 7, 2011 at 11:42pm · Unlike · 2..

Lori Rice Stephenson Hugs to you Susan. You are a survivor and even as you reveal the pain and sorrow you endured, I see healing, hope and encouragement for others. Blessings to you my friend.

Venetia Vahrenkamp Gentzler To have felt so alone at such a sad time; you are so storng, and obviously meant to do VERY good things! Keep it up! And I also think this will be an inspiring book- go for it!:-)

Part Three of my testimony - July 15, 2012

Here is part three of my testimony :) I know it is available on the church website as well. The parts I have posted are the second service and the one New Hope posted was the first. There is a difference not much of one but they are different. I'm not sure why. I prayed really hard before each service for God to speak through me and my words to fall to the ground.

So what I like to think is what I said was what I was suppose to say to each audience. I love sharing my hope and I think the greatest part is at the end when people come up to me sharing their struggles believing I can relate to them in a way, trusting me. I remember being in the audience of speakers when I was very young in my sobriety and christian walk wondering if I could ever get up there and speak to a crowd, wondering if I would have anything to say. I am amazed at where God has brought me. I hope you enjoy :)))

Susan DeFace Washington's transformational testimony at New Hope Church in Wylie, TX

Part Two of Three of my testimony :) New Hope July 15, 2012

Here is part two of three from Sunday when I shared my testimony at New Hope Christian Church in Wylie, Texas. If you missed part one it is attached to the blog right before this. I am continually in awe of God and how I feel his presence right now. He loves me and I know that without at doubt. My faith is so strong and although I don't "see" him I  KNOW he is surrounding me and comforting me right now. I am so thankful for Riley , she is so precious . Yesterday as we were praying she said "Jesus , thank you for taking care of Momma and I'm happy she is in Heaven with you. I wish she could come back here but I know she can't ( she swallowed hard at this point) then she smiled and said "Amen". She is so sweet.

Later she asked me , again, about Hailey being her new Mommy and that she will now be a big sister to Kendall but she said when we all get to Heaven would Momma ( Alexis) be her momma again and I didn't know what to say so I said they would both be her Momma and that seemed to make her happy. I am trying to meet the insecurity that she feels and it breaks my heart because I know she is so scared. BUT I know without a doubt she is surrounded by love and my dear friend Patti had a vision where she saw two angels, strong protective angels, guarding Riley. That brings me such peace.

I know God is with her. Well of course I do because Riley told me she asked God if she could go to Heaven and see Momma and he told her it wasn't time yet. Feeling the peace that only he can provide. I hope you enjoy part two of my story and I will post part three next. When we turn to God and surrender our lives to him he restores, reconciles, and redeems. That is so apparent in my life .

Susan DeFace Washington's transformational testimony at New Hope Church in Wylie, TX 

Part Three can be found here

Part One of my testimony - July 15,2012 New Hope :)

Yesterday was a very powerful day for me. Not only did I celebrate 10 years clean off meth , alcohol, and every other drug I also shared my testimony at my home church. It was an amazing day and  the largest crowd I have ever spoken to. I just want to share it on my blog.

I see the many blessings God has bestowed upon me and HE has given me beauty for ashes . I see that even in the midst of the sorrow I feel from losing my daughter. I know I've said it before but I am amazed by his power in my life. It is because of my relationship with HIM that I have hope right now.

I miss Alexis terribly but I know he will bring good from it and I will be reunited with her. My testimony is in three parts and I just wanted to share it with you. Here is part one :)) God Bless You :))) 

Susan DeFace Washington's transformational testimony at New Hope Church in Wylie Texas

Part Two can be found here.

Alexis Rose Washington ( June 7,2012) The day that seemed to never end.

We headed down Parker Road and were in Wylie before I knew it. After passing the Sonic  I glanced over at the old trailer we lived in when I first got out of prison. It seemed a lifetime ago and tears formed in my eyes as I thought  of those words because it was true  Alexis’ lifetime was over. A funny memory surfaced  of Alexis getting off the school bus one afternoon . As she ran to our trailer she looked back at her friends on the bus to wave and ran into a pole falling down.  She was so embarrassed but she was laughing at herself also. She was blessed with the gift of laughing at herself. I focused my attention on the winding road still confused about where she died but as we passed McMillan Rd Jill pointed and said it was there. We pulled off on the road by the cabinet shop and parked. I think I got out and walked around.  The orange paint in the grass and the tire tracks marked the scene. There was something plastic that was  pink and blue , it was in shattered pieces. I tried  to pick them up and figure out what they were but there was just too many , all I knew is it was a toy of Riley’s . I swallowed hard feeling thankful that Riley was safe at Jenn’s . I didn’t even want to imagine what would have happened if she would have been in the car.

 We left for Jill’s house  and met everyone there. We hadn’t been there five minutes when the home team I used to attend began to arrive with food and drinks . We learned her friends had organized a candle light vigil at New Hope which was so very sweet. Mel called me and said she would be there as soon as possible and would bring me some clothes. I was in a dress and high heels. I honestly don’t know if I will ever wear that dress again. I washed it yesterday and it brought upon a wave of sadness. It was the dress I was wearing in the photo where I am standing in the blue office and you can see my reflection in the picture of the boats being tossed by the storm. It was the dress I wore last year to celebrate the birth of my dear friend Melanie. There have been so many storms in my life, this being by far the worst but I kept reminding myself  I was standing on the other side of that storm with a smile of victory on my face. Maybe God gave me insight into that photo knowing I would think of it today and knowing I would be wearing that dress. He knows every detail of our intricate lives.  Nothing happens by chance and nothing happens that he does not allow.

We got down to business and started making the arrangements for Alexis. Honestly the only option we had was cremation because of cost but that was okay. Of course I didn’t know her wishes like I knew my dad’s because I never imagined losing my child. Kerri and Dan Jensen were walking us through this process. They had a public viewing for their son Alex before cremation and we thought about that but the difference in cost was about 3000 so we decided upon a basic cremation with a family viewing. Thankfully Jill called and made all those arrangements. Not long after that I got a call that Alexis had registered to be a donor and there was a list of questions to answer. She couldn’t donate organs because they didn’t use a ventilator ( I think) but she could donate tissue. It made me cry that she had registered .  What a thoughtful , thoughtful young girl.  The questions took about 30 minutes and some of the questions were crazy . ( if she had been transplanted with animal parts or being around others who had . They asked if she had had diseases that I had never heard of. It was a long and exhausting conversation and I almost lost my cool. I understand it was important just so very hard to answer at that time.)

At some point I did a  post on facebook because the news was traveling fast and I had received some condolences so I knew it would be best to announce the death of my daughter.  Immediately after  posting the news the encouragement started pouring in. It was so comforting to read everyone’s concern. Mel called all our close friends and I called my neice , nephews, and my brother in law Carl.

Warner, Sammy, Hailey, Riley, and I went back to the site. This was tough as we walked around where she took her last breath. I am a crier but I don’t think I have ever cried tears that came from so deep within. It is hard  to explain but these tears came from the depth of my spirit and soul. This is a grief I have never known and I am so familiar with grief.  Sammy picked up something that we knew was part of her car, we think the door handle to I grabbed it and it is in my purse. Every now and then I pull it out and hold it in my hand rubbing it, it is somewhat comforting as  my fingers fit perfectley around it. That may sound morbid but it gives me comfort.

 Riley looked at the pink and blue pieces of plastic and told us that was from her bucket that they would take to the lake. Sadly she said she used it to make sand castles. As she said that I thought of the photos Alexis had posted recently of Riley swimming at the lake and the sand castles they made. A wave a grief washed over me again. The range of emotions were overwhelming.

At moments I would yell at God asking him "WHY?", I felt it wasn't fair I had lost so much already, I was trying to serve HIM and share HIS love and grace with a hurting world. I was trying to be so obedient and I thought it JUST wasn't fair but then a peace would wash over me calming me down and I would remember HIS word and recite it over and over. Specifically Proverbs 3 :5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart lean not on your own understanding . I could almost physically feel HIS embrace and I could rest in his peace, at least for a moment.

We headed back to Jills and around 6:30 or so Mel, Lisa, and Delaine arrived. They brought me Starbucks and some turkey and cheese. I smiled that my friends knew me so well and I felt so very loved , I love to eat meat.  They came in and hung out until we left for the candle light vigil. We all got in our cars and headed to New Hope.