My Facebook Post from June 7, 2011

It has been a VERY slow day at work so I scrolled through Facebook. I usually just look at this past year when I go back but today I decided to see what was on my mind June 7, 2011 a year to the day before Alexis died. I was sharing about the darkest period of my life , never would I have imagined it could get darker but it did. The only difference is there was a light that I could cling to when Alexis died that was not there when my mother passed. I just thought I would take you back to June 7, 2011 which takes you back to June of 1979. This has inspired to work hard on my book, I am almost done :))

The summer after mother’s death was one of the darkest periods of my life. Early in that summer I went to Hawaii with friends and then right after that to Lake Ouachita in Arkansas, this was a trip we took every year. After those vacations I returned to the house on Van Pelt and lived there alone because my dad returned to the lake. I hated living in that house; there were just so many painful memories . In my mind it just seemed to be a house of death . Although I was eighteen and considered an adult I was still a child and should have never been left in that situation but that was my reality. David’s room always reminded me of his suicide and my childhood room always made me think of mother’s death so I shut the doors to those rooms trying to shut out the darkness that was enveloping me. Not long after living there alone I started having a recurring nightmare that I dreamed EVERY night. In the dream my mother and brother were dressed as evil clowns riding tricycles chasing me through the house. The house seemed endless and as they rode after me they kept taunting me and accusing me of killing my mother. I would run from them looking over my shoulder terrified they would catch me but they never did. Finally I would wake up in a cold sweat, crying uncontrollably both saddened and relieved that I was alone. Too scared to go back to sleep I spent a lot of time watching TV. I just felt so alone during this time . I was too scared to open up to anyone and tell them what was going on or about the demonic dream because I believed I killed my mom. It was just a time of torture and I was being spiritually attacked every day. My plans after graduation had always been to go to the University of Texas and room with Peri. That was my dream but for some reason , which I don’t understand to this day, I decided I needed to stay home since my mother had died. The irony of it all was I didn’t have a home, I only had a house to live in and a house that was full of pain for me . So I stayed in the house on Van Pelt and lived alone attending Eastfield. To be honest I don’t know how I did it, I was in survival mode and I don’t know what propelled me to move forward but I did attend school and made good grades. I am proud of that but the unwarranted burden I was carrying was getting heavier and something was going to have to change or I was going to fall apart and lose it.

Comments below :

Joe D. Baker I can't imagine what that all must have been like. I had every advantage (not financially, although we weren't poor; but a loving and supportive family that encouraged me), and almost washed out in spite of all those advantages.

June 7, 2011 at 11:42pm · Unlike · 2..

Lori Rice Stephenson Hugs to you Susan. You are a survivor and even as you reveal the pain and sorrow you endured, I see healing, hope and encouragement for others. Blessings to you my friend.

Venetia Vahrenkamp Gentzler To have felt so alone at such a sad time; you are so storng, and obviously meant to do VERY good things! Keep it up! And I also think this will be an inspiring book- go for it!:-)