Part 2 : God reached down from the Heavens and gently touched my heart

The hometeam I decided to attend was the one the Jensen’s went to, it was made up of a variety of people and quite a few of them had boys the same age as Sammy . The first night I attended I had to make myself go and I really didn’t want to but the words Keith spoke to me about developing relationships kept going through my mind and I made myself walk into the home that night.

I had no intention of being honest ever because I feared rejection and that fear was planted deep in my heart and I really didn’t know how to develop honest relationships because I had been wearing a mask with a plastic smile as far back as I could remember. I was a mess but at least I was a sober mess. That night I decided to just listen and see what this was all about .

All I knew is I needed change but I didn’t know how instigate that because I had so many dysfunctional behaviors ingrained and buried so deep I didn’t recognize them as dysfunctional. That night we started off with worship music and then a man was going to share his testimony because he was going to be doing that at church the next Sunday and this was his practice run. I knew this man from a distance and his life seemed perfect to me. As he began to share what had happened in his life I was shocked !! I would have never guessed he had been through so much. As I left that night I felt a little hope for the first time, that maybe I wasn’t so alone in this world.

 Now I wasn’t ready to share by any means because although he had been through a lot the things I had done were so much worse. I just never thought they would accept me, fear had me trapped.  The next Wed was a gorgeous spring evening and we sat outside in a circle. Many in this group had attended an encounter the weekend before and they were sharing what God had revealed to them. God still seemed like an abstract concept to me, I believed in him somewhat but I still didn’t get it. All I knew is that Kerri and Dan had some power in their life and I knew I wanted that,  well needed it desperately,  but I wanted it on my conditions. I did not want to be honest , there was a power struggle going on within me.

People shared their experience as we went around the circle and it was finally Dan’s turn. With tears in his eyes he shared that he had been having feelings of guilt about not spending more time with Alex and now he was gone. This had been very hard on him and at the encounter God revealed that those feelings of guilt were not from him. As he shared his regrets and the feelings of guilt he had I began to feel very anxious, this was hitting too close to home. From that point forward I don’t remember what he said but I was overcome with memories, the memories that I felt so guilty about for so long.

The guilt that I had tried so desperately to numb with drugs and alcohol. It was as if my life flashed before my eyes: my brother’s suicide, not going to AA with my mother after she begged me, telling mother I hated her and wished she were dead , finding her body the next day, the recurring nightmare of mother and David accusing me of being a killer, my grandfather’s suicide, not being there for my sister when she was dying of cancer after all she had done for me , disappointing my father by being arrested and the public spectacle of it all, picturing my poor children’s face as CPS came and took them from school, the fear in their eyes when I relapsed and continued to lie, getting sent to prison………….

I was bombarded with my life and it was too much, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. It felt as if I was under water and I could not get my breath until I spoke out the truth of who I was or who I thought I was ( a loser, drug addict, excon, murderer, worthless, unlovable…..) because who I thought I was , was a LIE . A LIE I accepted so long ago, July 4 ,1971, when my brother committed suicide and it seemed like my existence didn’t matter anymore. It had a strong hold over me.

After the flood of memories started to slow I felt as if God reached down from the Heavens and gently touched my heart breaking down the walls I had spent a life time building and in that instant I was broken. Sobbing I fell to the ground and just started sharing my life, everything that had happened to me and everything I had done. I really wasn’t aware of what was going on around me but gradually I regained my composure and self control. Slowly I lifted my head expecting judgment and condemnation.