The many layers of loss

The other day  I was so blessed at church and God brought forth some healing that I didn’t even realize Riley and I needed . He revealed this need so he could begin the healing process. HE started this revelation on Christmas Day. As we celebrated as a family that day I looked at Riley, Kendall, and Wesley and knew in my heart how truly blessed I am but as I watched them there was pain as well especially as I looked at Riley because there is a missing piece in her life. A piece that Warner and I used to fill but now with the death of Alexis we have evolved and changed into a new role in her life. Kendall and Wesley have their parents plus they have grandparents on both sides. The role of grandparent is so fun; we dote and cuddle with none of the responsibility of the parents. Grandparents get to spoil and have all the fun:))) As I thought about this I looked at Riley and my heart broke because she really doesn’t have any grandparents now that Warner and I stepped into being her parents. I began to grieve for what she is missing out on but I quickly rebuked what I thought was self-pity focusing on how lucky we all are in this tragic loss of Alexis. I decided not to think about it anymore thinking I was just being selfish.
This morning my dear, sweet, wise friend Twila told me God had given her a word for me on the way to church. And with tears in her eyes she said HE told her that Riley not only lost her mother when Alexis died but she lost her Mimi too because I am not that to her anymore and that I not only lost my daughter I also lost my granddaughter. He told her to let me know he would heal that hole and fill it for both me and Riley. He reassured that I am doing what I am and was supposed to do in stepping up but in becoming Riley’s mother there was a huge loss for both of us: an important loss that can’t be ignored but must be revealed and brought out into the light. In that moment I knew I was wrong in the way I handled it. I should always count my blessings and have an attitude of gratitude but if there is grief and loss , even when it is within and seemingly secondary to the grief I am already experiencing, I can’t minimize that loss because in doing so I am just locking away those feelings deep within me. When we do that it may work for a while but one day there will be no more room to push down the pain and it will implode bringing about self destruction. I know because I did that for so long, that was my coping mechanism for the majority of my life and it is so very familiar and easy to turn back to. I am so very thankful to God for opening my eyes to this because this way of coping was just as detrimental as my drug addiction, it paved the way for my addiction to grow. So very grateful for God speaking to Twila too, HE knew I would listen to what she had to say because of who she is in HIM. Feeling very thankful and a little wiser than I was when I woke up.