June 8, 2012 : The Day After Alexis Died

( From June 7, 2012  The Day that Finally Ended )

I prayed for sleep and the next thing I knew it was about 7 in the morning and I opened my eyes with the sun shining through the curtains. My first thought was at this time yesterday Alexis was still alive , it seemed unreal and then I remembered the  dream I had . I dreamed Alexis was beautiful in a white flowing dress hugging my sister Kathey who was also beautiful in white . The only thing odd about the dream is Kathey was  as I remembered her in her 20’s when she was newly married and began having her children. They both shined with the vibrancy of youth and that brought peace to my broken heart. I got up to get ready for my day. It was June 8, 2012 the day after Alexis died.

June 8 : The Day after Alexis died

I rolled out of bed and went into the kitchen where Jill had already made me a cup of coffee , the way I love it with splenda, caramel, and whipped cream. Smiling sadly I took a sip and thanked God for bringing Jill Crowe into my life.  She is family to me. Where at one time I felt alone that is not so anymore;  Jill has stepped in and become my family.  Even though she is younger than me she is my Kathey , she is more than Kathey was because with Jill I can be completely honest . With Kathey I was so scared to admit my failures because I thought she might reject me . That was more to do with me than Kathey but none the less I couldn’t be honest. With Jill I can tell her anything  : the good , bad , and the ugly.  She was there when my father died and she was right there when my daughter died. I will be forever grateful to her. You need people like that in your life.

We had a busy day ahead : Kerri Jensen was coming over to help us plan Alexis’ service, we would go say goodbye to Alexis at the funeral home in Sachse, and we were going to make a cross to put at the crash site. Jill and I explored Alexis’ Facebook as we waited for Warner, Sammy, and Hailey to arrive. We laughed at some of the funny things my Alexis had posted.  Everything still seemed surreal . Friends were calling from near and far to offer their support and prayers.

We decided to have the service on Monday evening because Keith Spurgin , New Hope’s Lead Pastor,  was going out of town for the weekend and I wanted him to preside over the celebration of my daughter’s life.  As I was waiting for the kids and Warner to arrive my friend Kelly came over to see me. Kelly  and I had been cheerleaders together at J.L.  Long Junior High  and had reconnected a few years ago. She drove me to meet another friend Patty who had something for me from her mother Charlene. Charlene and Patty had been in my life for as long as I could remember although we aren’t close now, my dad had spent years married to Charlene after mother died.  It was a nice morning.  Mel called and told me Peri would be flying in on Sunday night to attend the service. As  with the day before the outpouring of love and support sustained me.

When everyone got there the kids started working on the cross. Jill had everything to make a beautiful cross to honor Alexis. She even had bling to put on it :))) Riley had gone to Jenn’s that morning because we weren’t sure if we were going to take her to see Alexis. I wanted to see how she looked before making that decision. The church put me in contact with people to help me make decisions concerning Riley. Basically we were honest using the correct vocabulary , but the decision on her seeing Alexis at the funeral home was going to be determined by the condition of Alexis’ body.  We would make that decision as a family with input from Hailey, Sammy, Warner, and me.

A little after 12 we drove over to the Smith Family Funeral Home in Sachse , Texas  to see our Alexis Rose for the very last time. My heart hurt so badly and the pain was still so raw for all of us. At moments unexpected any one of us would break down in tears. I hurt so badly and it hurt worse seeing the pain on Hailey, Sammy, and Warner’s face.  This was first significant loss for any of them. Hailey and Sammy were  so young when Kathey died and my dad’s death, although sad, was expected. This was a shock and as I watched them I wondered about their thoughts. I prayed protection over their minds because I didn’t want them to have any feelings of guilt about anything.

I refocused my attention on the seeing Alexis. We walked into the funeral home and there was no one to greet us. We rang the bell and no one came. We called the number and no one answered so we began to look for people calling out “Hello” and opening doors. It was somewhat scary because you never knew who or what could be the other side . I was so nervous we would walk in on Alexis or someone else who had died that  I couldn’t continue. Finally someone came out and led us to the room where our daughter and sister laid in rest.

 I closed my eyes as she opened the door then began to sob as I saw her laying there. I think we all cried. She was laying on a table with a towel around her neck and a maroon blanket  pulled up to her chest. Her long hair was pulled back from her face and falling down behind her head.  Nothing else was visible and I knew that was probably because she had chosen to be a donor.  Fleetingly I thought of her beautiful green eyes and wondered  who would benefit from those  wondering if the patient who received her corneas would now have her eye color. I had told the transplant coordinator that I would love to hear about who she helped but I didn’t know if I wanted to see her eyes looking at me but I wasn’t sure how the transplant process  worked.  That was something I would think about later.

She looked so beautiful and peaceful.   Nothing like mother , David, or Kathey looked when they had died. I had my dad cremated  so I just stayed with him in the hospital after he passed so the images of him in my mind aren’t as  frightening. This was such a blessing that she looked as if she were sleeping . I went and touched her hair which was wet  for some reason, they must have just washed it , then I kissed her forehead which was cold. We made the decision to go get Riley since Alexis looked so peaceful.  Angela was with us so she drove to Jenn’s to get Riley . We just stayed in the room taking turns being with Alexis saying our goodbyes  waiting for Angela to return  . Then Riley arrived...............................................