July 3, 1971

Today is the anniversary of my first vivid memory, every other memory before this day is a flash in my mind.  Pictures that surface and dissipates as fast as they come. I try my best to capture those memories but sadly they remain elusive. But July 3, 1971 is as clear as if it happened yesterday. I was in the water at our lake house on Cedar Creek Lake about to ski . I can still feel the water on my legs and picture the slalom  ski with blue and red flowers on it.  

 This is the pier and where I was in the water when my parents were told

Mother and Daddy were sitting under the green and white umbrella that sat atop our white table on the pier ready to watch me. As I was untangling my ski rope a man walked out onto our pier. His name was Joe and he had a lake house down the street with a telephone. A telephone at a lake house was a luxury in 1971 and he was the only who had one in  Isle A Veiw II, the community our lake house was located. 

The lakehouse- It has remained the same

Somewhat curious about this visit I watched him as he stopped and talked to my parents.  The lake was full of boats and people for the 4^th of July weekend so I couldn’t hear what he was saying.  All I remember is him bending down somewhat reluctantly and talking to momma and daddy.  Momma collapsed.  There was then a flurry of action and I got out of the water.  People seemed to be panicked and I wondered what had happened.  I remember a knot of fear developing in my stomach because I knew something was terribly wrong. Momma was a mess, daddy was remote, and I didn’t know what had happened.  It is not clear in my mind when I learned the devastating news that my 18 year old brother David had committed suicide at our home in Dallas. He had taken one of daddy’s guns and shot himself in the head in his bedroom.

My next memory is riding in the backseat of Norman and Barbara’s (family friends who had a lake house near ours) car on the way back to Dallas. Norman was driving because my parents couldn’t.  Our lives changed forever that day. My parents NEVER recovered. Although I don’t really remember our life before that day I believe that was the act that destroyed us as a family.  As I remember momma and daddy on the pier waiting to watch me ski, I remember them loving me, being proud of me, and paying attention to me. In my memory I felt loved, adored, and cherished.  Those are my feelings when I think of those moments before Joe talked to them.  I cling to those warm feelings because my parents changed so much after that moment. They slowly retreated further and further away from me.  David’s suicide was an action that had devastating effects for years to come. I’m sure David didn’t realize the impact that one choice would make on so many people. As I look back I can see the snowball effect his suicide had wreaking havoc on those left behind.  What is so sad to me is that I don't remember David in life at all. When I picture him I see him in the casket with the faint blue bruise concealed by makeup . The mark where the bullet entered. I wish I had more memories but here is a photo I found.

It has been 42 years since David died and I am so thankful that I not only survived, sometimes only by the skin of my teeth, but in the past years have begun to thrive. This anniversary made me think about choices and their consequences. We need to remember that every choice we make carries with it certain consequences.  Sometimes, we get lucky and avoid the worst consequences that could happen, but sometimes we don't. As I thought about this I was mainly thinking about David’s choice to kill himself and those consequences that affected all of us but in time I thought of my parents’ choice to never move on. And that was a choice they made. They chose to deny, numb, and hide. Their choices destroyed their lives and almost destroyed mine as well. So as I have said so many times before when tragedy comes , as it will,  we have a choice. We can walk in bitterness and self-pity or we can look to God for our comfort walking in compassion and love.  VERY thankful today that I now choose to cling to God walking in the freedom only HE provides knowing there is always hope even in our darkest moments.