Dilemma - a problem involving a difficult choice.

It’s amazing how one word , one picture, one song can take you on a journey through your past  that you weren’t prepared to take.   Sometimes it is a pleasant trip but other times it could be dangerous. When I was in rehab the big word was triggers, what were the triggers that might make you want to use again. What could trigger your relapse?  We would identify what we believed were our own personal triggers and were told to avoid them at all costs. The most common triggers were old friends you used with, places you used, etc.  But some triggers may be deep seeded pain that has not been dealt with , emotions that can surface at times unexpected by one word, one picture, or even one song. Something happened yesterday that reminded me of this,  it wasn’t a trigger  for me to use drugs at all, but I saw one picture that referred to one song and it took me back in a flash. The memories flooded my mind, detailed memories that I hadn’t thought about in a long time. They were not painful memories but the chain reaction of thoughts that came to mind reminded me of the trigger effect .

As I was scrolling through the news feed on Facebook yesterday there was a notification that my friend Noelle had listened to the song Dilemma on Pandora. As I read that post I was immediately taken back to 2002 when I was in Rockwall County Jail. It was early fall and I was the only female trusty so I spent my days preparing mop buckets and doing inmate laundry. When I got off “work” I would go back to my cell ( I had a cell to myself) and watch TV. I got off about 5 and each day  I would watch BET 106 & Park. They would play the top ten music videos and  the video to the song Dilemma with Nelly and Kelly Rowland  was the number one video and had been for a  long time. As I thought back  I began to laugh because I was a 41 year old lady watching Rap videos and waiting anxiously each day to see which ones got bumped down or went higher in the ratings. I did love the song Dilemma and the video though. It was a pleasant time as well ( as pleasant as jail can be), I had been locked up awhile and accepted my fate. The first weeks in jail I was angry thinking I didn’t deserve being there believing if I reached out to the judge he would understand why I used drugs because of all I had been through. He would see I was different than the other criminals. But those thoughts ended with an alarming dream, a dream that humbled me making me realize I wasn’t different or better than anyone.  In the dream I was standing in front of the judge but it wasn’t in a courtroom it seemed to be in the clouds in the sky . I pleaded with the judge to let me off easy , telling him  I was a really nice person who was in such pain I chose to do drugs.  I told him I wasn’t like the “rest of the criminals” .  He looked at me and said I seemed like a really nice person but the bottom line was that I broke the law and justice would be served by me going to prison for two years.  As I sat down another person was sent to face this JUDGE but everything was different, we were still in the clouds but now the judge was bigger than life , the judge seemed to be God. It was surreal.   Trembling  I watched the pretty young girl plead her case. Her defense was the same as mine she said   that she was a really good person, and  the JUDGE agreed then sadly nodded HIS head and said it didn’t matter  that justice would be served because she never accepted Jesus as  her Savior. It was her choice to make but  now it was too late. The gavel hit and the JUDGE was about to announce her sentence when  I  woke up  alone is my cell.  I wasn’t sure what to think  of that dream but there was a shift in my attitude and for the first time I was thankful I only got a two year sentence  because it could have been so much worse . For the first time I was completely accountable for my choices and quit trying to blame it on the tragic events that happened in my life.  Thankful that I was only sentenced to  prison and not an eternity  …………………………… I also thought about choices realizing no matter what has happened to us we have a choice in how we  react and how many  choices can have lifelong consequences and how one choice can have life after death consequences. I had not thought about that dream in so long. It was a powerful dream and it taught me that being a “good person” will not excuse you from bad choices in this life or the eternal life. That really rang true when I finally went to prison. Although there were many inmates who seemed evil to the core the majority of people were a lot like me : good people who made bad choices and were paying the price. Who would have ever thought that this little post with a picture of Nelly would inspire this blog .  This life is full of many dilemmas and the choices are difficult with so much at stake.