My Hailey
Susan Washington
My oldest daughter Hailey is about to have a baby, she is due on March 10. She is so excited and I am too. I can’t wait to see Kendall Grace: )) Every time Hailey calls me I wonder if it is time !! Even sweet Riley is excited about her cousin’s arrival , she can’t wait to teach her how to play dress up which is Riley’s passion . She is quite talented at the dress up game as you can see by this photo: ))
The excitement and anticipation of Kendall’s arrival has caused me to get sentimental, thinking about my Hailey through the years. Hailey was the sweetest baby and hardly ever cried. She was just so easy. After having her I thought parenting was a breeze. She was very smart and achieved all the milestones (sitting up, standing, walking, talking, etc.) at a very early age. Her personality was full of life and so engaging. Everywhere we went people talked about how cute she was. Because of my sister Kathey she was dressed to the nines!! Kathey was a grandmother/aunt to Hailey just as she was a mother/sister to me. I am so very thankful that Hailey remembers Kathey because Kathey loved all my children so much and it saddens me that Alexis and Sammy may not remember that love which made such a difference but I know Hailey remembers her :)
Hailey and I got really close when we moved back to the Dallas area in 1996. I was hired as the Special Ed Coordinator for Campbell ISD and Hailey was starting 2nd grade so she went to school with me. The ride to Campbell from Rockwall was about 30 or so minutes so we had a lot of quality time together as we drove even though she was so young. When we first moved back to the area I was probably the healthiest I had ever been because I was feeling so good about my life.
School came easy for Hailey and she had success in that area which always makes things easier, she was well liked and could adapt to any situation. Hailey has and always had many gifts.
As I spiraled into my drug addiction a few years after moving back I saw the toll it took on Hailey. At the pinnacle of our use I watched as my once vibrant little girl isolated herself in her room watching TV endlessly. She was in 6th grade when we received our drug charges. She describes that day as the worst day of her life when CPS came and got her from school in front of all her classmates. Her main memory was how sweet her Grandy (my husband’s dad) was to her, he was never one to show much affection but that day he was so attentive to her needs. Those are the recollections she shared with me.
With a wisdom that comes from pain and experience she also realizes that was the best day of her life as well because that is when the truth came out and the changes began. There would be a lot more pain for Hailey because of the choices my husband and I would make but as with all my children she has chosen to walk in forgiveness and love not letting any bitterness take root because she sees how destructive that can be.
Hailey is so wise and has a discernment that is a gift from God. People can’t fool her. She might not call them out on it but she can see through their masks and lies. She is empathetic and compassionate to others because she has known so much pain herself. I love her heart!
I am just so very proud of her and who she has become. There were some worrisome times when I feared the choices she was making but I ALWAYS knew how pure and sweet her heart was and prayed she would make the choices she needed to have the life she wants. She has come out on the other side of those troubled times with hope and purpose for her life. I know she will be a wonderful mom because she is so loving, nurturing, and caring.
My heart is so joyful right now.
Romans 8:28 tells us And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. And in Genesis 50: 20 You meant to hurt me, but God turned your evil into good to save the lives of many people, which is being done.
Those scriptures have played out in our lives so very many times. When Hailey got in trouble with drugs at school, I know Satan intended that for evil but so much good as come from that. That incident was the catalyst that spurred me into action to seek the Lord which has transformed my life therefore impacting the lives of my children. That incident was the catalyst that opened the door to the truth in our home because we had been paralyzed by a destructive secret that was taking a toll on all of us. Isn’t our God amazing?
My daughter’s felony charge for possession of a controlled substance at Wylie High School has brought so much good. I want to share my journal about that time and the destructive secret. It is so important to have open lines of communication with our children. That is the way we tear down walls, when we have those tough conversations we don’t want to have. Here is what was going on :
What we have learned together, my children and I, are how destructive secrets can be and the alcoholic/addict home is full of secrets. Our home was characterized by silence, it is hard to describe because we are a LOUD family, but silence in the sense of the truth about what was really going on.
I will get specific: My husband relapsed on meth not long after I got out of prison, I was hoping and praying the kids didn’t notice so I pretended it wasn’t happening. Paralyzed by fear I was trying to cover up his drug use.
Sadly my kids did notice but they didn’t say anything because they were scared we both had relapsed. They were pretending it wasn’t happening therefore not dealing with their fear which kept building . In their eyes, and anyone’s eyes, the odds were I had relapsed. I did before, the only thing was my behavior did not exhibit drug use but they thought I was just hiding it well.
So my poor babies, who had already been through so much, now thought we were both on drugs again. I can’t imagine how hopeless they must have felt. I am sure the scenes from the past replayed in their minds of us both using, getting in trouble, my relapse … so they were trapped with fear. We lived in silence pretending this wasn’t going on and things began to escalate. As I shared earlier Hailey, my oldest, got caught with drugs at school. When we finally had that gut wrenching talk, she looked at me bawling her eyes out and finally screamed "I know what you and dad are doing; I saw the pipe in the bathroom." Knowing she must have seen evidence of drug use I screamed back in tears too that I wasn't using, that it was not my stuff. Through tears I promised her I was not on drugs as I hugged her to myself.
She then looked in my eyes and relief washed over her, you could see the change. How long had she been carrying this burden that we both were on drugs ?? How scared she must have been that her world was about to implode again. How had that fear and hopelessness lead to her own drug use? How very selfish of me not to be honest because I was scared, I was such a coward.
That is what secrets and lies do and how they impact our children. And I knew this, I grew up in this, and I still turned to denial and pretense as my way to cope because that was the behavior I was so accustomed to. It is hard to change those behaviors that are so ingrained into our DNA, because you don’t notice how messed up they are. They feel comfortable and to be honest facing the truth is hard and scary but once you face it head on there is freedom.
Finally the truth was out and my kids were so relieved that I was not using. So as always what seemed like a horrible incident, Hailey getting in trouble with drugs at school, was a turning point and the kids and I finally got honest. Now the kids and I could lean on each other. That was amazing and they felt secure in the fact that I was clean and sober. They watched me closely for a very long time and I let them reassuring them often that I was not using. We have now come full circle, the other day Sammy looked at me and said I can’t imagine you being a drug addict; I can’t remember you that way. He sees the new me who I have become in Christ. They all do. I love that. 2 Corinthians 5: 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here!
It is amazing to see how far God has brought us. Hailey is in such a good place. I want to share a text she sent to me one evening that I will NEVER delete. It touched me so deeply. She sent this when she got off work late one night , I left it word for word:) It is priceless, I value this text so very much:) She had just worked a long shift at the Back Nine and had to close. She took the time to send this to me at 4 in the morning. This shows her heart: she was worried about how I felt and didn’t want me to feel guilty so she assured me that she knew I loved her. Isn’t that incredible!! Her text is below :)
Mom i love you so much im sorry you grew up in such a horrible home i just want you to know i have always known you loved me and you are a great parent and person for being able to always show that when it was so different in your life as a child thank you for being so great i love you and am so very proud of you i just got off so i know your probably asleep goodnight
God has blessed me with some wonderful children and I am going to share about all three of them. Today was Hailey’s day!! They don’t mind because they believe in what I am doing. All three of them have told me to share my story because they know it can help people. I am so very blessed.
Reader Comments (3)
Ok. That text brought tears to my eyes. I too would never delete something like that. You are very blessed with some awesome children.
I love Hailey! She is going to be a wonderful mama but she has a wonderful example too :)
That is a beautiful story! It brought tears to my eyes also:) You have a really good way with words, Susan. I'm glad I took the time to read this.