Almost all negative behaviors and addictions are rooted in something.

Woke up this morning thinking and praying for Amanda , feeling a little discouraged that I didn’t make more of an impact but standing firm in my faith that seeds were planted and they just might not be mine to cultivate. As I prayed with her yesterday I told her that almost all negative behaviors and addictions are rooted in something.  In other words these things are not the problem but the result of a greater need or hurt in our lives.  Until the root is dealt with freedom will seem like a twisted cruel trick played on those who can’t really have it.

I know my addiction was a result of the pain and neglect that I experienced and never dealt with. It came from the guilt and shame I carried with me for so long. Honestly at times I am in awe that I did not succumb to it. God recently brought some healing and revelation about some of my pain. My memories are so few and far between of my younger years and most the memories that I do recall have something to do with death. I know how morbid that sounds but it seems as if I was surrounded by death all the time. The first death I remember was that of my grandmother on my mother’s side, she was the true matriarch of the family and I think both my mother and grandfather were devastated by her loss. I was six years old at the time and vaguely remember being at the hospital but I was too young to go into her room so I stood on the street with my father and waved to her from there, I can picture that in my mind. That is all I recall about her or her death and I’m not even sure if that is a real memory because my sister shared that with me.

 The next death I remember was more traumatic to me because I felt responsible in some way. I think I was in third or fourth grade and I had been to the dentist. I can still remember the old dentist chair and the pictures of clowns he had on his walls, those clowns would be significant in my later years. I can’t remember his name but it started with a B. I had to have some extensive work done and for some reason I remember I was having a tooth pulled but it was impacted and he could not get it after trying for a VERY LONG time (this experience is why I am scared of the dentist to this day) Finally that evening after being in his chair for hours I was sent to an oral surgeon who completely knocked me out and performed emergency surgery to extract the tooth.  It was quite traumatic to say the least for a young child. A week or so later I returned to Dr. B for a follow up to make sure I was healing properly. As I sat in the chair with the clowns on the wall watching me I was so scared and nervous ( I can still picture those clowns perfectly and in detail). Dr. B tried to calm me down understanding my fear was a result of my experience a week before. He looked at my incision and sent me on my way saying I was healing properly. Later I learned after I left the examination room he had a heart attack and died instantly, I was his last patient. I found out that evening and I believe on some level I blamed myself because I was so scared and nervous plus the week before was the awful experience for both of us because he was unable to pull my tooth.  I carried the guilt of this man’s death on my tiny shoulders and it just set the stage for me to feel guilty about the deaths that were about to besiege my family.

It would be the next year that David killed himself, 6 months later Norman ( my dad’s best friend) killed himself, about 8 years after that my mother’s death would happen and then in ’82 my grandfather’s suicide. Now I don’t believe I carried any guilt about David’s or Norman’s suicides although these deaths affected me tremendously but my mother’s death is a different story. I thought I killed her. I was scared that I killed her and didn’t remember it.   I was literally scared that I got up in my sleep and murdered her.  I was so scared about that, that I couldn’t even think about it.   It was after her death that the tormenting recurring nightmare with the clowns. In the nightmare mother and David were dressed as clowns (the clowns from the dentist office ) riding tricycles  taunting me and accusing me of killing her. They would chase me with evil smirks shouting at me as I ran down the hall trying to escape. It was the hall in my home on Van Pelt but in my dream it was endless and I would just run looking back terrified of what would happen if they caught me. I dreamed it every night for so long and would finally wake up in a cold sweat crying relieved for a moment that it was a dream but then the reality of being alone in that house would sink in and I would cry more until I gathered the strength to get up and go on with my day. It was exhausting. It was during this time that I wished I could go into a coma for awhile to escape my reality. I didn’t want to die, I just wanted to be able to rest. It was such a very dark time.

When I first got saved my mentor at the time would pray with me trying to bring forth healing. She told me that usually we can go back through prayer and revelation from the Holy Spirit and see where Satan planted the lie that we believed and how that lie grew and caused us so much pain.  He got me with the lie that I was responsible for the death of that dentist  when I was a child which made me accept the lies that I was responsible for my mother’s , sist The lie I believed as a very young child is that I was responsible for the death of my dentist. Once I accepted and believed that lie it was so much easier for him to plant the lies that I was responsible for the deaths of my family. That is the pain I carried for so very long and used drugs and alcohol to numb. But God has healed me completely and I know that I carried way too many burdens that were not mine to carry.

My hopes are that others can find the freedom I have found by dealing with the root of their pain and addictions. God wants us to have the freesome he so freely provides but we have to take action.

My dad, his sense of humor, and his dog Cocoa!

As I have said my relationship with my father was difficult to say the least. After David’s death he began to build up walls to protect his dying soul from any more pain and the construction of those walls were remoteness and withdrawal from the ones he loved the most. Six months after David killed himself my father’s best friend at the time committed suicide also and my world and my family literally disintegrated. My father continued to retreat further emotionally, my mother began to slowly commit suicide with the bottle, and I was just a little kid struggling with all of this and trying to make sense of what was happening.

Because of my father’s remoteness and withdrawal he was not very affectionate or loving. I do know he loved me but I think he hid behind those walls and limited his love for me so if anything happened it wouldn’t hurt so badly. I am not a therapist or counselor but I believe that is what happened.  The way he expressed his love was with money and buying me things. He bought me anything I wanted and I really liked that : ) but what I really needed was a hug every now and then and a kind word but sadly for both of us he was not capable of that.

When I think of my dad I think of his intelligence and humor. Right after his death I had MANY people tell me he was the smartest man they had ever known. As they said that all I could think was “Wow” because these were very successful people who I considered extremely intelligent. They also told me he was the funniest man they had ever known. He was a practical joker and still playing pranks even at the end of his life.

A month or two before he died he was in ICU at Baylor Garland with an infection throughout his body that had gone into his bloodstream. Doctors kept looking at me saying  “He is critically ill, this is very critical, and we don’t know if he will make it".  It was a very scary time and I was alone. After meeting with the doctors in the hall I entered his room worried he would die any moment. As I walked into his room in a protective gown he slowly looked up with great difficulty and whispered  “Who are you? “ Alarmed that he didn’t know me I said “Daddy it’s me, Susan. I'm your daughter!!!” and with a puzzled look on his face he kind of screamed “Who are you?” Tears started to form in my eyes because I thought his mind had gone and then he sheepishly grinned and said “I’m just messing with you , I know who you are , you’re Susan"  I then laughed so hard and he did too !! I loved that about my dad and I think I got some of his humor.  I think Kathey got his intelligence but I got his sense of humor and that makes me smile.

I wanted to give you a little background about my dad and share this one other story that I was reminded of when talking to a friend last night.  As I said my dad did not, could not, and would not show any type of affection. If I started to hug him he would stiffen and he never said I love you. He just couldn’t, he hid behind his walls. But he could show his pets love and lavish them with attention.  He had a dog named Cocoa that was a teacup poodle and he adored her. It was unbelievable the way he treated this dog. One time when I had come in from Amarillo to take my daughter Alexis to Scottish Rites hospital to evaluate her legs he got us a hotel room because he was worried Alexis, who was three, might hurt Cocoa. I could not believe it but that was my dad.

Cocoa went everywhere with him and rode in his lap when he drove. I think Cocoa even went to Willie’s off of East Grand where my dad went to drink each day. She had a place at the table when we visited him for Thanksgiving and Christmas. This little teacup poodle had the best of the best and you could see the love in my dad’s eyes as he cuddled and kissed her. Cocoa even became more important after Kathey died and brought my dad the comfort no one else could. It was Cocoa and vodka he reached out to in his grief. Then the unthinkable happened Cocoa got sick and died.

I think it was the most traumatic thing that happened in my dad’s life. I really mean that. He couldn’t even drive!! Someone had to go get him (he could drive when Kathey died). During this time I was not around much because I was on drugs but I remember crying for my dad when Cocoa died worried that this might destroy him completely.

Time went on and I got in trouble and went to rehab. After rehab my kids and I went to live with my dad in Chandler’s Landing in Rockwall. This was a very hard time. I stayed clean for awhile but my dad was drinking a lot and his world was falling apart because his business was failing and they were about to foreclose on his home. I wasn’t aware of his financial difficulties so we all just lived there pretending everything was fine.

He loved to watch MASH and he would watch it every day. There was some channel where it came on for hours and he wanted me to watch it with him. So we would sit at his kitchen table and watch MASH (now I like MASH fine but I did not want to watch it ALL the time). No talking was allowed, we just watched the TV and I was expected to sit there with him and did so even though I was 41 years old. I wanted to please my daddy and wanted him to be proud of me so I was the dutiful daughter.

One day as we watched what seemed to be the 50^th episode of MASH Alexis came running in with a bag of what appeared to be sand and shells. She said “Granddaddy, can I have this bag of sand?” He looked up and nodded yes, already pretty drunk from his vodka.  I didn’t think much about it but was slightly curious why there was a bag of sand and shells stuffed into a beautiful gold box but I just dismissed the thought and continued to stare at the TV in the required silence trying not to doze off. Alexis sat down at the table and proceeded to tear open the plastic bag when I heard a guttural scream from my father. He yelled “NOOOOOOO that's Cocoa!!!!!!! “ I jolted up as Alexis dropped the bag only spilling a little bit of what I now knew was Cocoa’s remains and bones. My father started crying and I assured him Cocoa’s remains were intact as I tried to clean off the table where the dust had spilt without him seeing me. I quickly told Alexis to go play because I feared what my dad might do and got some tape to reseal the bag and put Cocoa back in the golden urn.  This whole situation was a little creepy so I wanted to put this cremated dog away and proceeded to put her high on a shelf so no one else would mistake poor Cocoa for sand and sea shells from the beach  but my dad said  “NO” as he put his hands up distraughtly. 

He said there was a special place for Cocoa and led me to a closet that I wasn’t aware of. When we opened the closet door there was a shrine for this dog. There was like a 14 X 16 professionally taken portrait of Cocoa  complete with a red bow in her hair, I even think she was smiling. The framed portrait was sitting behind Cocoa’s old bed and we set the urn upon the bed where Coco once slept.  A tear rolled down my father’s cheek as he returned to the kitchen to watch MASH and told me I needed to watch my children more closely.

I almost went off on him but the irony of it all was just too funny. I would have been watching my children if I didn’t have to sit and watch MASH in silence for hours each day but he would have never of understood that so I didn’t even try to plead my case. Then as I pictured my dad and Cocoa at the studio having photographs taken I couldn’t stop laughing even through the sadness that there were no photos of me. There were senior photos of Kathey and David but not of me. When I got married the wedding was in Dallas but I lived in Amarillo so when I returned home my dad was supposed to pick up my wedding photos but he never did so I don’t even have wedding pictures but there were professionally taken photos of his dog and he even put them in a frame !!!!  Those thoughts raced through my mind as I thought of how he expressed his love for Cocoa compared to me.

But it was really okay because he just couldn’t ever get past the pain of losing his son to suicide. I am so glad he had Cocoa because he needed her and her love so I don’t resent it at all. Cocoa couldn’t let him down and he couldn’t let Cocoa down. Through Cocoa I got a glimpse of my dad’s tender heart that I wouldn’t have seen otherwise. I had forgotten about Cocoa’s shrine :) until I talked with my friend last night. It is a memory that makes me smile :) 

I lost 94 pounds!

As I said earlier this is very very hard for me and I think that I have figured out why I have this fear of rejection, ridicule, and judgment. It is because I have received rejection, ridicule, and judgment where my weight is concerned and it came from the person I wanted to please the most, my father. My whole life I tried to make him proud of me and maybe I did but he just could not express it. Most of his comments to me were critical and when I got overweight he could really be mean to me. His demeaning words hurt my feelings so badly, as I think of those moments I always begin to cry. I think that is where the root of this fear comes from and it is good to know the root causes.

Although there is still pain associated with these memories my dad and I had complete restoration in our fragile relationship and I had completely forgiven him for how he treated me before he died but I guess there is still some healing to take place.  And as I have said before we must reveal it for God to heal it and today I am going to reveal it and pray for God’s healing in this area.

When I first got out of prison I was on a leg monitor and couldn’t even walk outside of my trailer unless I had a parole appointment, a job interview, or I was going to an AA/NA meeting. There weren’t any job interviews and my transportation was very limited so I just couldn’t plan anything.  So this meant I spent a lot of time in the trailer and got no exercise at all but my weight stayed somewhat stable I guess. We had a scale but I didn’t get on it, I just didn’t like scales so I really didn’t know how much I weighed.

After I got off the leg monitor and was able to leave the trailer I got a job as a drive thru cashier at Dickey’s. We were very busy and I was running around all the time and I lost some weight. As I said I never weighed but after working a couple of weeks I had to go buy new jeans because the ones I had were too big and I remember being thrilled to get a pair of size 10’s.  I worked at Dickey’s from 2004-2006 and then I got my job at Highland Homes.

Highland was a lot less physical, I mean a lot less. After I had been working at Highland for a month or two my boss came to me one day and said the Lord had laid it on his heart that it was time for me to quit smoking and he asked me if I thought I was ready. I believed Trent had heard from the Lord on this subject so I said I was willing to try and he laid hands on me and prayed.

I have not picked up a cigarette since that day. I am amazed at how the Lord delivered me from that addiction IMMEDIATELY!! I believe the Lord can do that because I believe God can do anything but usually it seems HE takes us through a process so we will learn or others will learn from us but he delivered me from my addiction to smoking cigarettes  instantly.  I am still in awe of that : )

The only problem was after I quit smoking I really began to gain weight and although I had overcome a lot of things there were so much happening in my life that was causing me stress. Throughout this difficult time I never used alcohol, drugs, or smoked but I ate to relieve the stress and for comfort I guess. I got to the point where I didn’t buy size clothes anymore I just bought Large or X Large so then I really didn’t know what size I was. And although there was A LOT of stress in my home life (which I will go into later ) I was pursuing God with all my heart, knowing that a relationship with him was the answer for the changes in my life that I so desperately needed and wanted.

I wanted to have love, hope, and forgiveness, peace with my past and true joy so I keep chasing after God knowing he was the answer to what had been missing.

After I quit smoking and I really began to gain.

Spiritually I was growing by leaps and bounds but the problem was I was growing by leaps and bounds physically too : ))) My weight was beginning to have an effect on my life and limit my activity because my knees hurt so badly. One of the most memorable moments was when I went to Firewheel Mall and I had to park really far from the store I was going to.

The only open parking place was by the Sonic and I was going to the New York and Company store (they had the best stretch knit black pants).  I had to stop and sit down on a bench because my legs hurt so badly. I remember just sitting there crying my eyes out because I couldn’t even walk around a mall. My heart was broken and I felt such shame. Not long after that I had a dream that my blood pressure was sky high. This scared me because I thought I could have a stroke or heart attack, I was terrified.

Thankfully this happened at a time where I had some extra money because I don’t have insurance so I went straight to the doctor and stepped on a scale for the first time in years. I was shocked by my weight, I could not believe it but surprisingly other than being obese I was in great health. They did a complete physical and blood work and it all came back great. My cholesterol was at the high end of the normal range but that was it. I think even the doctor was a little amazed. I had really thought my health might be hopeless so this encouraged me.

 I normally would not anyone take a picture because I was so ashamed.

After that I noticed a friend from church had lost a lot of weight and I asked her about it and she told me she did a program called Slim4life so I went to check it out. It was expensive but I was determined and ready. I started the program on the Monday after Thanksgiving 2009.

When I stepped on the scale I weighed 216 and my goal weight was 125. I reached my goal through discipline and eating healthy by August of 2010 and I have kept it off. I fluctuate between 120 and 125. I weigh everyday and I know some people say not to do that but it holds me accountable and that is important for my type of personality which is very “ADDICTIVE”.  If I go over 125 I go back on the program because even though it might be only a few pounds the little things can add up. Again I go back to one of my favorite scriptures. SONG OF SOLOMON 2:15 "Take us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes."  

Those little foxes (drugs, weight, shame, etc) have wreaked havoc in my life.  This morning when I stepped on the scale I weighed 123 which makes my total weight loss 94 lbs. The amazing thing is it has changed my appetite. I crave salmon, asparagus, broccoli, tuna, chicken and steak. I think I am the healthiest I have ever been in my life. Here are my photos. I included one from today so you could see. It made me feel better. God has certainly changed me from the inside out and I feel so victorious over my demons because of HIS strength within me. 

 

 

He changes us from the inside out

Melanie and I were talking the other night and she made a suggestion. I trust Melanie completely and value her input and opinions so I took her ideas to heart and am going to act on them. Mel has come to hear me speak many times and I appreciate that so much. She has said she never gets tired of hearing my story but she thinks I need to add to it.  I don’t go into much detail about some of the things that have happened in the last couple of years namely my marriage and my weight loss. So I am going to begin to share and blog about these subjects one at a time and I will begin with my weight loss.

Melanie said I need to share about this because I lost a SIGNIFICANT amount of weight starting at the end of 2009 and through the first half of 2010 and that people would be inspired by it. I did a program called SLIM4LIFE and I called them to see if I could get the photo they took when I started the program.  A picture is worth 1000 words so I hope they can find it .I don’t really have any other photos; I refused to let my picture be taken because I was so ashamed. When I first joined Facebook I had no pictures of me up because I was just so very embarrassed.  

 Let me take you back and share my weight history. In school I was always little and never had a weight problem, I might would gain a few pounds but I could always lose them and I stayed quite active. My eating habits were not good though since my mother was usually passed out and I spent so much time alone. I would usually go get fast food. I never really learned to cook or anything but I always had money so I would just go out to eat at places like: McDonalds, Jack in the Box, Wendy’s, Burger King, Taco Inn, Arby’s Taco Bueno, Taco Bell, etc. I could tell you my favorites from all those places back in the late 70’s, it was kind of an adventure when I would decide where I would eat each night because some of these places were kind of far from my home but it was a way I passed the time and got out of the house so I wouldn’t feel so lonely.

After mother died I was probably the skinniest I had ever been as I prepared for my trip to Hawaii but by the end of the summer I began to pack on the pounds.  Where I had felt lonely before mother’s death after her death I just felt desolate and so very isolated because I was in that house by myself. I guess I ate to comfort myself. I think by the end of that first year at Eastfield I had probably gained 30 pounds, I’m not sure but I had gained a lot.

Not long after that I went to live with Kathey where I began to eat a lot healthier and as I felt better about myself and my situation some of the weight came off. It was just so nice to feel loved. I still wasn’t as thin as I wanted to be so I ended up going to a diet doctor and getting some diet pills ( this is where I was first introduced to speed of any kind and I really liked it, I didn’t have a problem taking it because it was prescribed by a doctor. This act and attitude opened the door that would lead to my drug abuse, it can start so innocently.) The weight dropped off really fast and my last couple of years of college I was thin and felt good about my appearance again.

Weight issues are a difficult situation: when people feel bad about themselves they can turn to food for comfort but as they put on weight they feel worse about themselves and the weight gain can spiral out of control just like any addiction.

I gained weight when I had my kids and it was hard to lose that so I stayed a little heavy but it wasn’t out of control, I was just overweight. But as I said weight was always an issue.

In 1996 when we moved back to the Dallas area and I got my job as a Special Ed Coordinator I went back to a Doctor for diet pills that I found in Rockwall. He was quite liberal with the diet pills and I dropped weight really fast. I felt the best about my appearance than I had in a long time. My job was great, I felt thin, and things were the best they had ever been.

But then Kathey got sick and when I knew she was going to die I not only became a meth addict I got extremely overweight. I guess the food comforted me like it did when mother died and the meth made me feel as if I was invincible. No one would have ever thought I was a meth addict. To this day I don’t understand how I stayed so heavy. I was very overweight and using meth everyday. Maybe my metabolism was out of sorts. But when my life imploded I was struck by the irony that I was a fat meth addict. I couldn’t even find solace in the fact that I was thin. It was almost comical in a bitter sort of way.

Things would get better after I went to rehab where I lost weight and everyone else gained, I think I finally got my body balanced and I felt good. After rehab I relapsed on meth and lost more then I went to prison. In prison I gained and when I got out on parole I was overweight again but I just didn’t care. My weight was the furthest thing from my mind and I just didn’t think I could change it, I didn’t think I had the will power so I just accepted the fact that I was overweight trying to convince myself that some people are just meant to be heavy. Then I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior and HE placed an everlasting hope in my heart and began to change me from the inside out. To be continued……………….

Proverbs 14:12 12 There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.

I was talking to a friend last night on the phone sharing my incredible week, there were so many opportunities to share God's Grace this past week :)

As I was talking I thought back to speaking to the students at Skyline. Those kids were so polite and respectful to me as I shared my story. No details were left out down to the most humiliating times in prison where I had to strip to nothing and squat and cough in front of a row of guards before cleaning the pig slabs. As I shared the tragic events that led to my addiction and ultimately prison I could see so many of these kids were touched as tears glistened in their eyes and they looked at me with compassion and empathy. Even the toughest boys in that room were moved. This took me a little by surprise because they are teenagers and I never know what to expect when I share with teens.

Again I was just so touched by their attentiveness and respect. After I was done and I went to the library to finish my interview for the Skyline Tribune, the sweet young girl photographing me was in tears telling me she could relate to many parts of my story. I don't know which parts but my heart was broken for her and I just wanted to just reach out and hug her. I looked in her eyes and said if you take anything from my story just don’t do it my way. There is always hope but life is so much easier when you aren’t carrying around two felony convictions and no one wants to go to prison. She smiled as tears rolled down her cheeks and nodded okay. That is my message to kids “Don’t do it my way, Do it God’s way!!”.
Then it reminded me of when I was reaching out to someone who was struggling and had relapsed. I begged him to stop and seek help before he got into legal trouble. He finally listened to me and check into treatment and now he is back on track living in freedom each day. He thanked me for my persistence and agreed that checking himself in for treatment was so much better than sitting in a jail cell with felony charges hanging over his head.

And I have another dear friend that I begged to stop and seek help because he was already on probation. I told him if he continued to use it would eventually end with a new charge and that is what happened. It is only a matter of time before it will all catch up with us. My message again is seek help while it is still your choice and your fate is not going to be determined by a judge or district attorney. It is never to late to start again, we serve a God of second, third, and fourth chances but the sooner we choose to change the better it will be. Our choices determine our consequences.

There is a voice of truth and sometimes it is hard to recognize it in the midst of our pain and addiction. There are many hopes I have with my message but one of the greatest is to help prevent others from going down the same road I did because although I stand in victory and freedom now it has been a long, tough, and winding road . I always had a choice to choose a different path but I didn’t so I am paying the consequences. There are always consequences to our choices, some good, some bad , and some can change your life forever.

Seek out and Listen to the Voice of Truth : )