My dad, his sense of humor, and his dog Cocoa!
Susan WashingtonAs I have said my relationship with my father was difficult to say the least. After David’s death he began to build up walls to protect his dying soul from any more pain and the construction of those walls were remoteness and withdrawal from the ones he loved the most. Six months after David killed himself my father’s best friend at the time committed suicide also and my world and my family literally disintegrated. My father continued to retreat further emotionally, my mother began to slowly commit suicide with the bottle, and I was just a little kid struggling with all of this and trying to make sense of what was happening.
Because of my father’s remoteness and withdrawal he was not very affectionate or loving. I do know he loved me but I think he hid behind those walls and limited his love for me so if anything happened it wouldn’t hurt so badly. I am not a therapist or counselor but I believe that is what happened. The way he expressed his love was with money and buying me things. He bought me anything I wanted and I really liked that : ) but what I really needed was a hug every now and then and a kind word but sadly for both of us he was not capable of that.
When I think of my dad I think of his intelligence and humor. Right after his death I had MANY people tell me he was the smartest man they had ever known. As they said that all I could think was “Wow” because these were very successful people who I considered extremely intelligent. They also told me he was the funniest man they had ever known. He was a practical joker and still playing pranks even at the end of his life.
A month or two before he died he was in ICU at Baylor Garland with an infection throughout his body that had gone into his bloodstream. Doctors kept looking at me saying “He is critically ill, this is very critical, and we don’t know if he will make it". It was a very scary time and I was alone. After meeting with the doctors in the hall I entered his room worried he would die any moment. As I walked into his room in a protective gown he slowly looked up with great difficulty and whispered “Who are you? “ Alarmed that he didn’t know me I said “Daddy it’s me, Susan. I'm your daughter!!!” and with a puzzled look on his face he kind of screamed “Who are you?” Tears started to form in my eyes because I thought his mind had gone and then he sheepishly grinned and said “I’m just messing with you , I know who you are , you’re Susan" I then laughed so hard and he did too !! I loved that about my dad and I think I got some of his humor. I think Kathey got his intelligence but I got his sense of humor and that makes me smile.
I wanted to give you a little background about my dad and share this one other story that I was reminded of when talking to a friend last night. As I said my dad did not, could not, and would not show any type of affection. If I started to hug him he would stiffen and he never said I love you. He just couldn’t, he hid behind his walls. But he could show his pets love and lavish them with attention. He had a dog named Cocoa that was a teacup poodle and he adored her. It was unbelievable the way he treated this dog. One time when I had come in from Amarillo to take my daughter Alexis to Scottish Rites hospital to evaluate her legs he got us a hotel room because he was worried Alexis, who was three, might hurt Cocoa. I could not believe it but that was my dad.
Cocoa went everywhere with him and rode in his lap when he drove. I think Cocoa even went to Willie’s off of East Grand where my dad went to drink each day. She had a place at the table when we visited him for Thanksgiving and Christmas. This little teacup poodle had the best of the best and you could see the love in my dad’s eyes as he cuddled and kissed her. Cocoa even became more important after Kathey died and brought my dad the comfort no one else could. It was Cocoa and vodka he reached out to in his grief. Then the unthinkable happened Cocoa got sick and died.
I think it was the most traumatic thing that happened in my dad’s life. I really mean that. He couldn’t even drive!! Someone had to go get him (he could drive when Kathey died). During this time I was not around much because I was on drugs but I remember crying for my dad when Cocoa died worried that this might destroy him completely.
Time went on and I got in trouble and went to rehab. After rehab my kids and I went to live with my dad in Chandler’s Landing in Rockwall. This was a very hard time. I stayed clean for awhile but my dad was drinking a lot and his world was falling apart because his business was failing and they were about to foreclose on his home. I wasn’t aware of his financial difficulties so we all just lived there pretending everything was fine.
He loved to watch MASH and he would watch it every day. There was some channel where it came on for hours and he wanted me to watch it with him. So we would sit at his kitchen table and watch MASH (now I like MASH fine but I did not want to watch it ALL the time). No talking was allowed, we just watched the TV and I was expected to sit there with him and did so even though I was 41 years old. I wanted to please my daddy and wanted him to be proud of me so I was the dutiful daughter.
One day as we watched what seemed to be the 50th episode of MASH Alexis came running in with a bag of what appeared to be sand and shells. She said “Granddaddy, can I have this bag of sand?” He looked up and nodded yes, already pretty drunk from his vodka. I didn’t think much about it but was slightly curious why there was a bag of sand and shells stuffed into a beautiful gold box but I just dismissed the thought and continued to stare at the TV in the required silence trying not to doze off. Alexis sat down at the table and proceeded to tear open the plastic bag when I heard a guttural scream from my father. He yelled “NOOOOOOO that's Cocoa!!!!!!! “ I jolted up as Alexis dropped the bag only spilling a little bit of what I now knew was Cocoa’s remains and bones. My father started crying and I assured him Cocoa’s remains were intact as I tried to clean off the table where the dust had spilt without him seeing me. I quickly told Alexis to go play because I feared what my dad might do and got some tape to reseal the bag and put Cocoa back in the golden urn. This whole situation was a little creepy so I wanted to put this cremated dog away and proceeded to put her high on a shelf so no one else would mistake poor Cocoa for sand and sea shells from the beach but my dad said “NO” as he put his hands up distraughtly.
He said there was a special place for Cocoa and led me to a closet that I wasn’t aware of. When we opened the closet door there was a shrine for this dog. There was like a 14 X 16 professionally taken portrait of Cocoa complete with a red bow in her hair, I even think she was smiling. The framed portrait was sitting behind Cocoa’s old bed and we set the urn upon the bed where Coco once slept. A tear rolled down my father’s cheek as he returned to the kitchen to watch MASH and told me I needed to watch my children more closely.
I almost went off on him but the irony of it all was just too funny. I would have been watching my children if I didn’t have to sit and watch MASH in silence for hours each day but he would have never of understood that so I didn’t even try to plead my case. Then as I pictured my dad and Cocoa at the studio having photographs taken I couldn’t stop laughing even through the sadness that there were no photos of me. There were senior photos of Kathey and David but not of me. When I got married the wedding was in Dallas but I lived in Amarillo so when I returned home my dad was supposed to pick up my wedding photos but he never did so I don’t even have wedding pictures but there were professionally taken photos of his dog and he even put them in a frame !!!! Those thoughts raced through my mind as I thought of how he expressed his love for Cocoa compared to me.
But it was really okay because he just couldn’t ever get past the pain of losing his son to suicide. I am so glad he had Cocoa because he needed her and her love so I don’t resent it at all. Cocoa couldn’t let him down and he couldn’t let Cocoa down. Through Cocoa I got a glimpse of my dad’s tender heart that I wouldn’t have seen otherwise. I had forgotten about Cocoa’s shrine :) until I talked with my friend last night. It is a memory that makes me smile :)
Reader Comments (4)
Susan- thanks for sharing. I didn't know Grandaddy until later in his life but I do know he was quite funny. When Court and I got married he MAILED us 500 $1 bills, each one crumpled up in the box. I wish we had a picture of our faces when we opened it! We laughed and laughed! It took us a long time to unwrinkle each one and to count them to see how many there were. :)
Great story! Too funny, but at the same time, not, right?
You have a perspective that only time and wisdom can give - and a big heart for forgiveness.
I can relate...my Dad is so devoted to his cairn terrior! He also wants to take him everywhere. He comes over for dinner on Sundays and I pick him up to take him grocery shopping before. We drive to our house, drop the dog off and then backtrack to go shopping! Funny story Susan!
Susan, I'm surprised but, I remember when you came back to Amarillo after that trip to Dallas with Alexis. You were hurt that your dad made such a big deal of that dog, and a little frustrated that your dad couldn't show that affection to his grandchildren. Another example of how you are concerned with others feelings rather than your own. Perhaps your feelings were really for the other little girl there that day who really needed her daddy's attention and affection? I'm proud to have known you then and see how far you have come. I'm still ready to come to Dallas and treat you to for lunch or dinner out. Love, Linda