Life is often lived forward but understood backward

“Life is often lived forward but understood backward. Looking back is when we can appreciate the deep valley God allowed.” This statement holds so much truth and really got me to thinking this week.

I hate addiction, just hate it!! It robs people of their joy, their lives, and their loved ones. It is such a powerful tool that Satan uses to destroy. Looking back at my life and the life of my family I understand how he used this. He is such a liar, there is no truth in HIM. But what I’ve come to realize on a new level is :  Addiction is a symptom to a much deeper problem . We must get to the root to get rid of the sympton and  for healing to take place.

Like I said Satan is a liar AND he’s  not very clever BUT he is very persistent.  He uses the same tactics over and over. Once one doesn’t work he will switch to another, his arsenal is full of weapons and if we aren’t alert , standing strong in our LORD and KNOWING his TRUTH , he will get us and that is what happened in my family. Let’s look back.

Not sure when it all started but here are the lies I imagine he began to tell my brother David, I can just hear them because he spoke some of these lies to me as well : “ You’re a loser”, “You will NEVER be as good as your sister Kathey”, “ You’re stupid “,  “ Those glasses and hearing aids make you look ridiculous”, “Your father will never be proud of you”, “ You are a disappointment “, “Because of your hearing loss you will never find someone who really loves you”, “ You are worthless”, “You and everyone else would be better off if you were dead”………………………………… The last one was repeated over and over until David believed it and in hopelessness and despair took his life. Satan won that battle and started in on my parents

I can just imagine the endless taunting  whispers in their ears after their son committed suicide: “This is your fault “, “ This is Dick’s fault”, “This is Rosemary’s fault”  “ You should have loved him more”, “ If you had been a better parent this wouldn’t have happened” “You’re worthless”, “ You’re murderers, even though he killed himself it is like you took the gun and shot him “, “ How could you leave a gun in your home “ “Remember when you yelled at him”, “Remember when you told him he would never amount to anything”, “Remember when he wanted to talk and you didn’t have time”, “ It’s your fault”, “It’s his fault”, “It’s her fault” . All lies where they would blame themselves AND blame each other.  The seeds of bitterness , guilt , and shame took root deeply in their broken hearts.

Then once they were in the depths of despair he whispered “ Drink some more, it will take away the pain”, “Just don’t go home then you won’t have to be in that house where he died”, “Just one more drink”, “Susan is young and won’t noticed anything”, “ Drinking is not bad if you wait until after 5 to drink”, “Drinking’s not bad if you wait until after 3 “,  “ after , 2 , 1,  ……………….”. “Drinking’s not bad , it is the answer “, “Susan will be fine, she is better off without you here “ , “ It’s better to pretend and forget , alcohol will help you forget “.

Then he started in on me “ If you were a good girl , your parents would pay attention to you”, “ You will never be as smart as your sister”, “You don’t matter”, “ You’re not lovable”,  “ It’s your fault they drink because you are such a disappointment”,  “ You don’t measure up”, “ Your dad left because of you”,  “If they loved you they would be there for you“, “It’s all your fault“, “ Everyone would be better off if you were dead “, “Soon everyone will know that no one loves you and know the truth about you“, “You must be evil for them to treat you this way“, "You murdered your mother", "You killed her with your words", "You told her you wished she were dead so she killed herself", "You're horrible", "You're a killer". He repeated these lies over and over and I would put my hands over my ears trying to tune him out but as I said he was persistent and patient.

You see the pattern and the lies he whispered that we all carried and believed. They got worse after mother died, and even worse after Kathey died. After Kathey died he whispered the same lies to me that he did to my parents except he changed tactics and used meth instead of alcohol because I was determined not to be alcoholics like them. His lies worked and I became an addict just like my parents only meth was my drug of choice. Looking back Satan is so predictable but I STILL fell for it.

Then I found the truth and was set free from it all.  Satan still attacks me daily, sometimes hourly with the same tactics only different weapons. Lately the whispers have been “ Remember when you told Alexis she was a loser”, “ Remember  the fights with her and how mean you could be” , “ You were an awful parent to say such things”, “She didn’t feel loved by you“, “She thought you loved Hailey and Sammy more”, “You hurt her so badly”, "You let her down", "You chose drugs over your kids and ruined their lives", "If you hadn't been a drug addict she would have had a better car with better tires", "You should have gotten her new tires", "You're a horrible mother".

The accusations come daily but TODAY I use my sword and fight back with everything within me and sometimes I say it out loud , screaming it when I’m alone in my car: “ I loved Alexis and she knew it, we did fight and it could get ugly but I intentionally showed her I loved her and tried to build her up. When I would slip and lose it I would own it and apologize telling her I was sorry. Although sorry wouldn't change it ,she knew I meant it.  At the end of her life our relationship was healthy and the best it had ever been!  The last time I saw her  we hugged  tightly and told each other we loved each other and it was a wonderful time. More precious now than I could ever imagine.  I ALWAYS  told Alexis  and others  that one day she was going to make a HUGE difference and God was going to use her in a big way.  I knew instinctively that the qualities she possessed that were so difficult at times ( the EXTREMELY strong will, the passion for truth, fairness, and justice ( which led to fights with others: she would hit them in their face : )), the acute discernment ( in which she would always point out my faults and most often rightly so,……………………….) were the qualities I admired most and  knew would set her apart one day. Well I was right about one thing she did make a huge difference and God used her in a big way . God just used her life and her death which I wasn’t prepared for.

So I have been on alert knowing the devil is prowling around just waiting to pounce on me, using circumstances I have no control over to try and wear me down. But he won’t win, I am on to him, and I will stand strong in the Lord and the power of his might.

This came upon my heart because of my hate of the disease of addiction which is a tool used by Satan but as I delved further in thought looking backwards I see it is just a symptom and his most powerful tools seem to be : DISCOURAGEMENT, SELF CONDEMNATION, GUILT, AND SHAME to name a few. So be on alert and if you are having some of the thoughts I described KNOW who they are coming from and cut him off at the root.   GOD LOVES YOU , HE THINKS YOU ARE WONDERFUL NO MATTER WHAT YOU’VE DONE. It is NEVER too late to turn to HIM, HE will always take you back .

Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails

Proverbs 16 ⁹ In his heart a man plans his course,
but the Lord determines his steps.

Proverbs 19 ²¹ Many are the plans in a man’s heart,
but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails

These scriptures really spoke to me about the recent events that have taken place in my life. To be honest before June 7, 2012 I had made some plans that I was very excited about. All my kids had graduated from high school and were starting their lives as young adults. I felt it was the perfect time for me to pursue my dreams of becoming a public speaker and publishing my book.   I was stepping out into my life as an empty nester. My marriage had been struggling  for years and on Memorial Day I had made the decision to divorce after being separated for almost a year.  I spent Memorial Day with my kids swimming and cooking out. As the day came to an end I told them I was going to go talk to their father about getting a divorce.  They understood but were sad, Alexis was upset and wanted me to wait because she just hated to see her dad sad but I felt it was the right time. Saddened by the end of my 26 year marriage but excited to embrace what the future held I drove to Wylie to talk to my husband .  It was a hard conversation but the kids arrived shortly after and we talked as a family, then I left. It took a lot for me to make that decision but I felt it was what I needed to do.  Change is frightening but I gathered my courage and was stepping out into the unknown. 

Then on June 7^th we lost our Alexis and our worlds were turned upside down.  We came together as a family.  There were so many decisions to make and we were all in such pain but it was clear everyone was looking to me for strength.  Since I had gotten out of prison and proven to my kids that I could be trusted and would stay sober  they looked to me for guidance .  I was their rock so I had to stay strong. Much time was spent in prayer alone and with friends  because I knew where my strength came from and I needed to hear from God what I was to do. I listened, I heard, and I obeyed : I needed to move back to Wylie and raise Riley. We filed for custody of Riley and during that process God placed it upon my heart to adopt her.  Warner and I decided to start that process which we are now in the middle of.

This was not part of the plan that I had  for my life in the last year but it was part of God’s plan.  At times I am struggling as I look at my life and what is ahead. The divorce is off the table because we want to raise Riley together in unity. My husband and I are committed to make this work. There are still issues but I can’t dwell on those. I must accept the things I cannot change and change the things that I can. I can only work on me.  At some point during this time God increased my love for Riley. She needs stability after losing her mother, she needs us both as well as Hailey and Sammy. One remarkable aspect of Alexis’ death is how we have come together.  So  many times with the loss of a child a family becomes fractured and self- destructive but thus far we have pulled together  working toward what is best for Riley. Hailey and Sammy want to honor Alexis through their love for Riley. A lot of that has to do with Riley and our love for her and Alexis. Plus God is the leader of my life and I am leaning on him , depending on him to guide me .

I’m not going to lie though , this new life is somewhat difficult to wrap my head around at times but God has led me into it and softened my heart.  Last April I was with some friends who have a ten year old son and I remember thinking I couldn’t even imagine raising a ten year old but now I have a four year old to raise.  She is in pre-school  and now has 13 more years of school !! At times I am overwhelmed.  My job in new homes sales  has late hours , something I need to think about while raising a 4 year old. But it is my job and has been for the last 6 years.  Questions like  “ can I do this?” invade my thoughts constantly bringing worry and concern to the surface of my mind but then I stop and REMEMBER  God is in control of it all . He will make a way and he will also make a way for me to reach the dreams he planted in my heart. I KNOW it will come to pass, I just don’t know how . What I do know is it isn’t going to happen the way that I thought it was. But what  I believe is it's going to come to pass in a much better way than I can even  imagine and I can’t wait to see what he has in store for our lives. I just need to relax and trust him not trying to figure it all out. He will take care of  ALL of us and it will all be okay .

And as I watch my little angel , who captured my heart from the second she was born,  dance and sing a song of love to her MOMMY  in Heaven, I know I am exactly where I’m supposed to be and that  this is now the plan for my life. A plan I will embrace with all that is within me and be thankful to God  for choosing  me for Riley.

Isaiah 55:8-9

New International Version (NIV)

⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts

June 8,2012: Seeing Alexis for the last time and the Cross on the side of the Road

From  the Blog : June 8, 2012 : The Day After Alexis Died

She looked so beautiful and peaceful.   Nothing like mother , David, or Kathey looked when they had died. I had my dad cremated  so I just stayed with him in the hospital after he passed so the images of him in my mind aren’t as  frightening. This was such a blessing that she looked as if she were sleeping . I went and touched her hair which was wet  for some reason, they must have just washed it , then I kissed her forehead which was cold. We made the decision to go get Riley since Alexis looked so peaceful.  Angela was with us so she drove to Jenn’s to get Riley . We just stayed in the room taking turns being with Alexis saying our goodbyes  waiting for Angela to return  . Then Riley arrived...............................................

Angela brought Riley into the funeral home and we talked with her about what to expect when she saw Mommy. We told her it looked as if Mommy was sleeping and she would feel cold to the touch. Riley smiled bravely and we entered the room where Alexis lay. I carried Riley over to her and she bent down and kissed her forehead. The cold damp skin startled her and she wanted down. She talked to Alexis telling her she loved her but didn’t want to touch her again. Then we each spent time with Alexis alone.

The first thing I did was take her picture, I just had to. She looked so peaceful and serene. Sammy really didn’t want me to, he was emotional and just didn’t like the idea. But I had to. After I took her picture I just bent over her with my head on her chest , hugging her  and crying, telling her how much I loved her , that I was so proud of her  , and that I was going to miss her .  I had to fight off many thoughts that were not from God, thoughts about the struggles in our relationship, the fighting, the ugly words said back and forth. But God’s peace came over me and I knew we fought because we were so much alike and I remembered the last day I saw her at Kenen’s house and how we laughed . That day she shyly  told me about a new boy she liked and somewhat sadly told me  how her old boyfriend David had a new girlfriend.   It was a special moment because she really opened up to me sharing her feelings.   I tried to focus on the good , and there was a lot of good. I left and everyone else took their turn alone to say goodbye.  Not long after that Jill called and said the Funeral Home had contacted her  and said it was time for us to go because they needed to transport her body.  My heart began to race because I knew it was going to be the last time I saw her physical body and that was just so hard to accept.

We went back in as a family holding hands and prayed. Then we slowly left  walking out of the room and I took one last glance back at my  middle daughter, Alexis Rose,  then shut the door. We glanced at some of the urns and some of the cremation jewelry deciding at some point we would get a bracelet or necklace and carry Alexis with us forever.

We got in our cars and drove to Jill’s for lunch and get ready for our meeting with Kerri to plan the service. My heart was heavy as I glanced out the window at the various businesses on Highway 78 wondering how on earth we were going to make it through this but I was standing strong in the Lord and the Power of His Might. I shut my eyes and prayed for strength.

Kerri arrived and the first thing we decided was the music for the video and for the service. One song that had been on my heart was the song Angel by Sarah MClachlan then Hailey suggested Over You by Miranda Lambert , a friend had told her about that song. Then it was time to gather photos of Alexis. Sammy and Shelby were in charge of that and would go through Alexis’ computer . We also gathered pictures from the kids childhood to include in the video. It was bittersweet to look at Alexis’ life through pictures and I was so thankful that Alexis took so very many photos. After that we needed to decide the order of the service and the music for that. I wanted both Kerri and Rita to play and I had already called Rita who graciously said she would be honored. My choice of songs was “ Shout to the Lord”  which was played at both Kathey’s funeral as well as my Dad’s.  That song is very special to me and touches my heart. The other song was “Healer” which brought me comfort because I needed  to reaffirm that HE was my healer ,  that HE was all I needed, that He held my every moment and would calm my raging sea while  walking  with me through this fire I was going through . We picked the photo for the program and decided the order then we were done.

                                                                        

Riley and the others finished the cross and we decided to go put it at the site.  First we made a stop at Walmart to by some flowers to put around the cross . We also laughed as we bought a box of Mashed Potatoes ( Alexis’ favorite food) and a bottle of Dr. Pepper ( Her favorite drink ). We loaded back into our cars and drove to the crash site.