Life is often lived forward but understood backward

“Life is often lived forward but understood backward. Looking back is when we can appreciate the deep valley God allowed.” This statement holds so much truth and really got me to thinking this week.

I hate addiction, just hate it!! It robs people of their joy, their lives, and their loved ones. It is such a powerful tool that Satan uses to destroy. Looking back at my life and the life of my family I understand how he used this. He is such a liar, there is no truth in HIM. But what I’ve come to realize on a new level is :  Addiction is a symptom to a much deeper problem . We must get to the root to get rid of the sympton and  for healing to take place.

Like I said Satan is a liar AND he’s  not very clever BUT he is very persistent.  He uses the same tactics over and over. Once one doesn’t work he will switch to another, his arsenal is full of weapons and if we aren’t alert , standing strong in our LORD and KNOWING his TRUTH , he will get us and that is what happened in my family. Let’s look back.

Not sure when it all started but here are the lies I imagine he began to tell my brother David, I can just hear them because he spoke some of these lies to me as well : “ You’re a loser”, “You will NEVER be as good as your sister Kathey”, “ You’re stupid “,  “ Those glasses and hearing aids make you look ridiculous”, “Your father will never be proud of you”, “ You are a disappointment “, “Because of your hearing loss you will never find someone who really loves you”, “ You are worthless”, “You and everyone else would be better off if you were dead”………………………………… The last one was repeated over and over until David believed it and in hopelessness and despair took his life. Satan won that battle and started in on my parents

I can just imagine the endless taunting  whispers in their ears after their son committed suicide: “This is your fault “, “ This is Dick’s fault”, “This is Rosemary’s fault”  “ You should have loved him more”, “ If you had been a better parent this wouldn’t have happened” “You’re worthless”, “ You’re murderers, even though he killed himself it is like you took the gun and shot him “, “ How could you leave a gun in your home “ “Remember when you yelled at him”, “Remember when you told him he would never amount to anything”, “Remember when he wanted to talk and you didn’t have time”, “ It’s your fault”, “It’s his fault”, “It’s her fault” . All lies where they would blame themselves AND blame each other.  The seeds of bitterness , guilt , and shame took root deeply in their broken hearts.

Then once they were in the depths of despair he whispered “ Drink some more, it will take away the pain”, “Just don’t go home then you won’t have to be in that house where he died”, “Just one more drink”, “Susan is young and won’t noticed anything”, “ Drinking is not bad if you wait until after 5 to drink”, “Drinking’s not bad if you wait until after 3 “,  “ after , 2 , 1,  ……………….”. “Drinking’s not bad , it is the answer “, “Susan will be fine, she is better off without you here “ , “ It’s better to pretend and forget , alcohol will help you forget “.

Then he started in on me “ If you were a good girl , your parents would pay attention to you”, “ You will never be as smart as your sister”, “You don’t matter”, “ You’re not lovable”,  “ It’s your fault they drink because you are such a disappointment”,  “ You don’t measure up”, “ Your dad left because of you”,  “If they loved you they would be there for you“, “It’s all your fault“, “ Everyone would be better off if you were dead “, “Soon everyone will know that no one loves you and know the truth about you“, “You must be evil for them to treat you this way“, "You murdered your mother", "You killed her with your words", "You told her you wished she were dead so she killed herself", "You're horrible", "You're a killer". He repeated these lies over and over and I would put my hands over my ears trying to tune him out but as I said he was persistent and patient.

You see the pattern and the lies he whispered that we all carried and believed. They got worse after mother died, and even worse after Kathey died. After Kathey died he whispered the same lies to me that he did to my parents except he changed tactics and used meth instead of alcohol because I was determined not to be alcoholics like them. His lies worked and I became an addict just like my parents only meth was my drug of choice. Looking back Satan is so predictable but I STILL fell for it.

Then I found the truth and was set free from it all.  Satan still attacks me daily, sometimes hourly with the same tactics only different weapons. Lately the whispers have been “ Remember when you told Alexis she was a loser”, “ Remember  the fights with her and how mean you could be” , “ You were an awful parent to say such things”, “She didn’t feel loved by you“, “She thought you loved Hailey and Sammy more”, “You hurt her so badly”, "You let her down", "You chose drugs over your kids and ruined their lives", "If you hadn't been a drug addict she would have had a better car with better tires", "You should have gotten her new tires", "You're a horrible mother".

The accusations come daily but TODAY I use my sword and fight back with everything within me and sometimes I say it out loud , screaming it when I’m alone in my car: “ I loved Alexis and she knew it, we did fight and it could get ugly but I intentionally showed her I loved her and tried to build her up. When I would slip and lose it I would own it and apologize telling her I was sorry. Although sorry wouldn't change it ,she knew I meant it.  At the end of her life our relationship was healthy and the best it had ever been!  The last time I saw her  we hugged  tightly and told each other we loved each other and it was a wonderful time. More precious now than I could ever imagine.  I ALWAYS  told Alexis  and others  that one day she was going to make a HUGE difference and God was going to use her in a big way.  I knew instinctively that the qualities she possessed that were so difficult at times ( the EXTREMELY strong will, the passion for truth, fairness, and justice ( which led to fights with others: she would hit them in their face : )), the acute discernment ( in which she would always point out my faults and most often rightly so,……………………….) were the qualities I admired most and  knew would set her apart one day. Well I was right about one thing she did make a huge difference and God used her in a big way . God just used her life and her death which I wasn’t prepared for.

So I have been on alert knowing the devil is prowling around just waiting to pounce on me, using circumstances I have no control over to try and wear me down. But he won’t win, I am on to him, and I will stand strong in the Lord and the power of his might.

This came upon my heart because of my hate of the disease of addiction which is a tool used by Satan but as I delved further in thought looking backwards I see it is just a symptom and his most powerful tools seem to be : DISCOURAGEMENT, SELF CONDEMNATION, GUILT, AND SHAME to name a few. So be on alert and if you are having some of the thoughts I described KNOW who they are coming from and cut him off at the root.   GOD LOVES YOU , HE THINKS YOU ARE WONDERFUL NO MATTER WHAT YOU’VE DONE. It is NEVER too late to turn to HIM, HE will always take you back .