June 8-10: Tough days ! Not only did I lose my daughter I lost a dear friend
Susan WashingtonFrom the Blog :June 8,2012: Seeing Alexis for the last time and the Cross on the side of the Road.
Riley and the others finished the cross and we decided to go put it at the site. First we made a stop at Walmart to by some flowers to put around the cross . We also laughed as we bought a box of Mashed Potatoes ( Alexis’ favorite food) and a bottle of Dr. Pepper ( Her favorite drink ). We loaded back into our cars and drove to the crash site.
After taking the flowers, mashed potatoes , and Dr. Pepper to the cross we went back to Jill’s. At this point all the time begins to blur together. At some point it was decided we would all wear green because Alexis had such beautiful green eyes. Hailey, Shelby, and I went to Fire wheel to buy new outfits for all of us to wear to her service which would be on Monday June, 11th. Before I knew it, it was Sunday June 10 the day before we would say goodbye to Alexis.
That Sunday morning we went to the 9:30 service at New Hope and sat on the front row. Walking in I was hugged by friend after friend as the tears continued to flow. One thing I learned through this time is I have an endless supply of tears, I wondered where all that water came from: )). The love and support I felt comforted my breaking heart. Again I thanked my Lord and Savior for leading me to New Hope 7 years before, I shuddered to think how this tragedy would have played out if I wasn’t in the place I was now . The support I received from these people sustained me through this time. It was a perfect picture of what a church should be. The way the body pulled together was a beautiful Biblical description.
After church we went to Warner’s parents for brunch and spent time as a family. At this time we started looking at urns for Alexis and urn jewelry so we could all carry a part of Alexis with us. One of Alexis’ best friends, Haley, had come into town from Kansas for Alexis’ service and she was with us ( Honestly I can’t remember all the details, I think Haley was at church and ate with us but I’m just not positive on this, Haley will read this and let me know : )))
There would be another candle light vigil in the parking lot of Wylie High School that evening. It was decided we would take Riley to the Princess Park (really the Pirate Park ) so she could play with Haley’s kids then we would go to the vigil.
The vigil was very nice and what struck me the most was the diverse group of friends Alexis had, each so called “clique” was represented and represented well. This said a lot about my daughter and the lives she impacted. I could see the pain and shock on all these young adults’ faces, and their love for Alexis was overflowing. We made a circle and shared stories about her and again what stood out the most was she was such a funny, bold, and loving young girl.
As I left that evening my heart was somewhat comforted by the love for Alexis but I was still in shock. I left Wylie High School to drive to Rowlett to see my best friends Melanie and Peri. Peri had flown in from Los Angeles for the service and they were taking me to dinner. On my drive over I talked to another “friend” , someone I thought was one of my best friends. We had shared pain, joy, and the ups and downs of life after reconnecting in 2010. This was a heartbreaking conversation for me because I learned my friendship was not important to this person and that I really didn’t matter. My daughter had just died and I felt abandoned and betrayed by someone I thought really cared about me and our friendship but I learned I didn’t matter at all. My heart broke a little more. Since that time we have not had any contact. It was a tough lesson during my darkest hour but it was a lesson I needed to learn. My God was showing me that HE was the one I needed to lean on and depend on, others would let me down. Everyone is human with faults and frailties. That even those who seem the strongest on the outside maybe weak on the inside no matter how high I put them on a pedestal. And that is what I had done put this friend on a pedestal and that wasn’t fair to anyone, no one could live up to that. So I was at fault and God taught me that. But I will honestly say that there were many moments and there still are that I cry to God and say “Did I have to learn this now?” BUT again through the pain and disappointment of losing a friendship that was dear to me at the same time I lost my precious daughter God showed me how strong HE is in my weakness. It is certainly amazing. This is not said to disparage anyone but to make the point that at times we may tend to put others in God’s place and that isn’t right. It can be very dangerous because others will always let us down. I will be very careful to never do that again. I was the one at fault so I was the one hurt.
I pulled up to Mel’s and ran in and hugged Peri. It was so good to see my dear dear friend and I was so thankful she loved me enough to fly to Dallas. My heart was wrapped in the love and tenderness of my friends . We headed out to Primo’s on the lake for dinner and just to spend time together. What a blessing to have Mel and Peri , who had been my best friends since childhood. They were there to help me, support me, and to sustain me as I “ buried” my child.
We got back to Mels and I went to sleep anxious about what tomorrow would bring. As the sun came through the blinds in my room at Mels the heart wrenching sobs began again. It was June 11, 2012 the day of my daughter’s funeral.
Reader Comments (1)
There are no words; just want to say that your ability to convey the literal spectrum of feelings and emotions with such brevity and light is astounding. It occurs to me that perhaps I may finally get the gist of "the unbearable lightness of being" and then some. Not only do I love you with all of my heart, Snowy, i endlessly admire you; just like since I was that teen-age girl in such awe that you let tag along.