The first cut is the deepest

Alexis and I were alike in so many ways but I think she was stronger or at least she was more courageous, standing up for what she believed in regardless of what people thought. I think having Riley so young helped develop that courage. Also things didn’t come easy for Alexis , she tried so hard at everything and for some reason it never worked out for her. I would pray that she would make the team, be elected cheerleader, ace the audtion but it never happened for her.  She would be heart broken initially  but than she would try again, she never gave up. I really admired that quality in her. I believe those struggles helped to develop her into the person she became  but there was a time I was really concerned. I had forgotten about this and I don’t know why it came to the surface of my mind but felt led to share it because I believe many young women suffer from this.

When Alexis was a freshman  she began to go out with a boy and it was a very unhealthy relationship . It was very emotional and volatile most of the time. Alexis thought she was in love, well I really think she knew it wasn’t love but she felt she needed him for some reason. There were so many times she was hurt during this relationship and there were many times she did the hurting , as I said it was very volatile. I think they were both abusive. I didn’t worry about him hurting Alexis , I worried more about her going off on him. So her freshman year was like a roller coaster of emotions. But I also learned at this time she had some pain that ran very very deep and she didn’t know how to deal with it. Shockingly I would learn she dealt with it by cutting herself.

One afternoon her and this boy got into a huge fight. I think he would say very hurtful things to her. She was so tough but she was also so very sensitive, it was a rare combination.  This particular day he left after a huge blow up saying he was done with her, that was  all I heard but I knew there was more to it because Alexis was so upset. I  wondered what he had said to affect her that way, I could see the pain in her eyes. All I knew was they must have been words that cut very deep. All of the sudden Alexis ran off crying and I went after her. I looked for her everywhere and couldn’t find her. I got in my car and drove around but still couldn’t find her anywhere . After awhile I was beginning to panic that she had done something drastic when she came running in trying to hide her pants. She was still wearing her khakis from school but something was all over the thigh area in the front and I couldn’t figure out what it was. It looked as if she had put a red permanent marker in her pocket and that it had leaked but that didn’t really make any sense then  I looked again  and  I knew it was blood.

 Bringing my hand to my mouth I asked her what on earth had happened , how she had gotten hurt but then I noticed her pants weren’t torn. I just looked at her wondering what on earth had happened and then  I saw the razor in her hand. The realization came to me that  had cut herself and I began to shake because I was so scared. We both cried as we cleaned up her wounds and I asked her why she would do that to herself, although I understood . I understood because I had done the same thing before except I didn’t have the courage to cut so deep.

She had gone into the O'reillys Auto Parts Store, went into the bathroom and cut her legs very deep.  I really wasn’t sure what to do or say but I understood her pain because there were many times  I would take a knife and cut myself when the emotional pain and hurt became unbearable. The only difference is I couldn’t ever cut deep, mine were always surface wounds that looked more like scratches on my wrist. Alexis’ cuts would cause scarring that she would hate and be self conscious of for the rest of her  life wishing she would have chosen a different way to deal with her pain. But I don’t think she could see another way out a and at the time I just wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening hoping if I didn’t acknowledge it  then it wasn’t real

Maybe she hated the pretense we lived in for so long pretending everything was okay when it wasn’t .  Alexis liked to walk in truth. I don’t think it is a coincidence that her cutting ended as I grew closer to the Lord .  Because as I began to walk in the light sharing my pain I know I was a better mother. Before that I raised my kids in the same way I was raised- No matter what pretend everything is okay and nothing bad is happening but Most importantly NEVER talk about anything going on behind these walls.

I’m not sure how often she cut but it seemed to end after she got pregnant with Riley . One day I found a container with blades and she said I could throw it away that she didn’t do that anymore and I threw them in the trash. It was a phase I guess and I understood it. 

 In the same way my self abusive behavior ended as well.   Also as I got involved in church my kids got involved in youth. Another factor that made a difference was Alexis finally found something she was really good at and that she enjoyed. She was in the class where they sewed and Alexis loved it. Not only did she love it she excelled at it. Her teacher loved her and was so proud and amazed at how good Alexis was at this. Alexis had found her sweet spot.  Her passion and talent had come together and she found success and received positive recognition. Her outlook changed and I think the pain finally eased. Looking back you can see God at work in her life and all of our lives.

Comments

[Patti Gilpin]

I miss Alexis the most today.

Again, your writing is so brilliant and so vivid. It's exact. It is really a daring thing to share. Cutting comes in a variety of types. Boy, Alexis, really had it bad. Do you see the similarities to drug use; running to a nearby bathroom to fix?

Mamas and Daddy(s) if your beautiful baby (primarily) girls just hang in the bathroom for long lengths of time, it can be cutting (not necessarily really deep) and plucking that can take hours.

It sounds super~painful and impossibly weird, but it is a distracting relief from pain (by causing a "zone" of numbing pain) that assuages the types of pain like relentless pressures that teens, young adults, new moms, et al who feel massively overwhelmed without the system from whom THEY feel adequate support, love, peace and understanding.

Susan, your writing so beautifully illustrates why Alexis stopped. Your frantically looking for her, your noticing her pants, your crying with her while you helped her, your relating your own experience when you were young to Alexis'.

What a dear,wonder~ful, sweet relationship Alexis had with you; and you with your Rosebud.