Graduation '79- What should have been a day of celebration turned tragic instead.
Susan Washington
My senior photo, I'm on the top row with a crazy tan line :)
Next, high school graduation followed prom. Our school had hundreds of graduates and the ceremony seemed to go on forever. It was hot in the Dallas Convention Center. The main thing I remember is all my friends meeting their parents and families, getting hugs, and congratulations. Photographs being taken to capture this milestone in their lives. I once again, was alone. As I walked through the crowds I looked anxiously for my father, hoping and praying he had made it there for me. I was so proud I had graduated with honors and I thought he would be proud too. I knew my mother wouldn’t be there because she was already passed out when I left my house earlier. I surely thought my dad be there for me. He wasn’t. I was heartbroken and felt numb. No one had come to support me.
As I looked around, I was certain everyone knew that no one had come for me. The hurt and pain were incomprehensible, but by this point, I was angry too. I think on some level I thought that if I achieved enough and was popular enough my parents would change and pay attention to me. Little did I know? I did not have that power. No matter how amazingly I performed, they were not going to change until they dealt with their own pain. Sadly, this never happened.
That night I went to graduation parties and got very drunk. The alcohol dismissed my self control and I remember crying uncontrollably. It was a horrible feeling believing that I didn’t matter to anyone. The next day was a Sunday and I went to the lake with my boyfriend to go water skiing. We had a lot of fun and I was able to forget the pain from the day before. I arrived home fairly late that night and was exhausted. I went straight to my bedroom. After changing clothes, my mother staggered into my bedroom. I hated her and was just so tired of dealing with her. So much had happened in the last few weeks and I think I blamed her for everything: for my dad leaving, for no one helping make my prom magical, and no one coming to see and be proud of me for graduating with honors. She was very, very drunk and had to grab the door frame to steady herself. She just looked at me not saying one word. Looking at her, I was filled with contempt and I told her to “Get the f___ out of my room! I hate you and I wish you were dead.” . The look of hurt and sadness on her face is embedded in my memory. She backed out of my room, I slammed the door shut, and went to sleep.
The next day was Memorial Day, 1979. I slept very late, until almost noon. My friend Cheri and I were going to go to Lake Ray Hubbard to lie out in the sun. We had been working hard on our tans as we were getting ready for our graduation trip to Hawaii. When I woke up, I walked down the hall to the kitchen to get something to drink and eat. As I passed my childhood room where my mom now slept because of the fire, I thought my mother was sleeping in. I paused because I didn’t hear her. Her breathing was always very labored and could be heard easily. I couldn’t hear a thing. It was silent.
Walking into my childhood room was like walking into a time warp because it had remained unchanged from when I was a little girl .The stuffed animals were still arranged in one corner, my baby dolls were in their carriages, my favorite Little Kittle House was still set up, my Barbies were in place, and the room was decorated with white princess furniture that every girl I knew seemed to have. I called out, “Momma”
