June 7, 2012- A different view

Awhile back I had asked a few people to write their memories of the day Alexis died.  I only know it from my view, from my perspective. I thought it would be healing to look at it through another lens and it was. This is from my friend Jill Crowe and her recollection of the day. It brought clarity and confirmation. There are some parts I don’t remember but most of all it brought HEALING.  As I read it I broke down repeatedly but the tears were healing tears. Just so thankful for the people God has put in my life. I love you Jill Crowe.  I haven’t received the others and I’m not sure what I am going to do with this : God has given me a glimpse of a vision but I have to wait until he shows me more.

Susan,

Thank you for asking for my input on the day that Alexis passed away.  Knowing her, her passing and the events that followed have had such a profound effect on me, I think this may be a bit cathartic.  I am a bit nervous writing anything for you, but I know that you will overlook my simple writing – cuz ya love me : )

If God leads you to use this, feel free to make any changes that you see that need to be done.  I’ll warn you ahead of time, in college a professor asked me if I grew up in a foreign country.  I replied “Yes, in fact, Germany!”  He said I wrote my papers like my first language was something other than English.  I never told him I went to American, English speaking schools.  So, here goes.  I’m just gonna write it like I am telling it to you, ok?

On the morning of Alexis’ accident my friend who helps with the house came over and as we had coffee she told me about a car accident on Parker road that must have been pretty serious.  I could see on her face that it concerned her but she didn’t go into details, she just said it had to have been bad.  About 30 minutes later, you called and I missed the call so I called you back.  You said that Alexis had been in an accident and that you were on your way to the hospital. I asked if the accident was on Parker Road and I don’t remember your reply but you asked why.  I really didn’t want to tell you how serious my friend had said that it was, I’m not even sure what I said to you, I just remember saying I was on my way.  I got dressed in the clothes lying over the bathtub, I don’t even think I brushed my teeth or combed my hair.  On the way there I think I put on my blinkers thinking the police would understand why I was speeding. I wondered if I needed to bring you coffee and I called.  When you answered the phone, you didn’t say hello, you just said “Jill, she’s gone, they said she is gone, she died.” I was on Plano Parkway in front of the Racetrac gas station near 75.  I felt a cold wash over me.  The view I had looking out my windshield feels like it will be forever etched in my mind.  I needed to get through that intersection and down the hill on the other side of 75 and it felt like I was taking forever to get to the hospital. I don’t remember how the entire conversation went but at some point, you talked about getting some cigarettes and I could hear Sammy cry out “NO!!! No Mom, please no. No cigarettes!”  You agreed with him in such a tender and understanding way. It was so sweet, like you would do for him whatever he needed. 

I think it was during this conversation that you asked me to please hurry and just get there.  The emotion I still have, hearing your desperation in my mind still pulls at my heart and I feel utterly helpless.

Being in the emergency room comes back in flashes of memory rather than a smooth beginning and end.  You, Sammy and Shelby were in that little consultation room – an area of limbo – not in the waiting room and not in the treatment area.  You and Sammy were sitting on the couch and Shelby was in the one chair, all of you crying, and you trying hard to comfort Sammy.  I tried to comfort you and felt completely inadequate. I remember realizing then just how small and petite your body is.  I reached across your narrow shoulders and feared crushing you with a hug.  At one point you told Sammy “We are going to get through this.  We are strong now.  This is so sad. We are going to get through this!”  Sammy repeated a number of times “I don’t believe this, I just don’t believe this.”

People started showing up right away.  I remember Lynn, Jake, Keith, Patti, Mr. and Mrs. Washington, Angela and then Hailey and Beck.  It was so heartbreaking seeing them digest what they feared most.

The nurse/social worker who gave us information had discussed with you seeing Alexis.  I remember you saying “I have to see my baby!  She is my baby, I have to see her!”  I wanted to just walk you back there right then and find her on our own – I couldn’t imagine one of my kids being in a car accident and knowing I was only feet away from them and not being able to be next to them.  Finally, we decided to walk back with the nurse, and I don’t remember if Patti was with us the first time.  As we entered the ER treating area the nurse said if you change your mind, its ok.  As we took each step I began to feel more and more outside of reality.  There was such an intense need to see Alexis along with the fear of facing the reality of her death.  I think I whispered to you a couple of times that you can change your mind as we walked, perhaps I just wanted to say it, I’m not sure.  I do know though, that the first time we walked back there, you changed your mind when we were only feet from the door.  The moment you turned around to return to the little room, it appeared as if you were gathering yourself, getting ready, gaining strength.  I’m not sure how long it was before we went back again, but I am pretty sure Patti was with us.  You were so strong.  When the nurse opened the door you went straight to Alexis’ face and talked to her.  You told her how much you love her, you told her you were sorry.  You mentioned to the nurse that she had another earring (I think in the top of her ear).  I think you stroked her hair.  Your cry was more painful than any I have ever heard.  We stayed for three to five minutes I think.  We returned again with Sammy, Beck and I think Hailey and Shelby.  You were so strong for them.  I could see you wanting to just make everything ok for Sammy and Hailey.

At some point you and I were the only ones in the consultation room and you looked me in the eye and told me that I needed to stay away from you, that you were cursed, that bad things happen to the people you love.  I could see how real this must have felt to you at the moment, I could see that fear in your eyes and it was real. The pain was crushing when I multiplied losing Alexis with this feeling of being cursed.  I also knew though that I have only grown from knowing you and from watching you grow.  And I knew too that you have only blessed me and every other person you minister to.  I just could not find words though.

Two county sheriff deputies came and wanted to try and comfort you with information that they had and let you know they would need to talk at some other point.  I think they basically just wanted to give you a business card initially.  They brought us to that side room…and hey, come to think of it, was I just following you around everywhere you went?  Why did I follow you back there?  As I think of these two sheriff guys I remember some feelings of anger, like I wanted them to stay away from you at first.  But I know I changed my mind about them by the end of their visit.  Anyhow, they pulled some chairs up for us and Keith stood behind us and you started asking questions, specific questions which I think surprised the sheriff guys. Before they even described the accident I think you asked about the other driver. As they described her tires as being low on tread you said “I should have bought her new tires! Oh no. But wait, God already knew the number of her days!  He already knew, isn’t that right Keith?”  I turned and saw Keith’s expression which spoke volumes to me about you in the midst of this loss – he was at a loss for words.  He wanted to comfort you but I think your words comforted him. His reply I think was just “Yes, yes.”  The sheriff guys continued to explain the accident and you asked them to tell the man driving the other car that you did not blame him, that he should not feel guilty.  I wish I could remember the exact words the sheriff guys said, they were blown away by your empathy.  So was I.  So was Keith. 

When it appeared there was nothing more to do at the hospital we planned to come to my house to be together and whatever happens from there.  You looked at me and asked if it was ok, I couldn’t imagine being away from you guys at the time so I was just grateful!  We stopped at the Starbucks on Parker and Alma and I got two of your coffees and headed toward Wylie.  At some point after leaving the hospital you had asked about going to the wreck site and wondering if that was a weird thing to do.  I didn’t think it was weird at all.  When we got to the site I could see your mind trying to figure the wreck out.  You were kind of thinking out loud about what might have happened and combining the information the sheriff guys told us. You picked up a piece of the door handle and cried.  You said a number of times how it just did not make sense.  None of it did.

We went to my house and people showed up there.  Danielle, Renate and Amada came and brought boxes of food and paper goods.  Lynn was there as well as Kerri Jensen who helped with so many of the logistics.  When it came time to discuss a burial or a cremation I wanted you to take a break from it all but you said you really wanted to get things planned and figured out.  I just wish I could have plucked you out of the room, out of the house and out of the entire situation.  I made some phone calls to funeral homes and crematoriums and came up with the plan that was affordable.  None of it sounded like a good idea, both burial and cremation just sucked.

After the candle light service I came home and I think you guys went to dinner.  When you came back I hardly knew what to say.  You were tired and asked if I had some pajamas.  After you put them on I realized again just how tiny you are.  You were so petite, so fragile, and I hated the thought of you being in that room by yourself.

In the morning you shared that you did not sleep much because you just could not stop crying.  I wish I could have been in there with you.  But you also shared some things you got from scripture and from God and again, you amazed me.

Comments

[Kurt]

How wonderful to have a friend that cares so much for you Susan. But then again I kniow you have many. Very well written and so honest.