Dating violence : I was a victim and feel prompted to share

When I did the radio show with Dr. Gene Getz it was very emotional for me. When I listened to the show I broke down. I’m not sure why it had the effect that it did on me but hearing my story from someone else’s perspective touched a place deep in my heart.  As the week went on Dr. Getz kept referring to the abuse, neglect, and abandonment that happened to me.  ABUSE is a word I never associated with my childhood but the bottom line is I was abused. I had a dear friend from church that I consider my spiritual leader and have reached out to many times say “Susan, you were abused and what you experienced was extreme abuse! You need to realize that so you can move forward”  Those words caused me to pause when she said them and I wanted to argue that I wasn’t abused that it was because they were hurting so bad, that they didn’t hit me or anything. But I didn’t argue because I think I knew deep down inside that it was abuse and there are many scars from that abuse.  Those scars are now healed and as with my others scars will be a source of healing and hope for others I pray. With that being said I need to be open and transparent about some other abuse in my life.

The thought of abuse made me think back to a relationship that I was in that was very abusive. It is something I haven’t shared  with many because when I think back to it I have felt such shame thinking that it was my fault and that on some level I deserved it , just like on some level I felt I deserved the abuse from my parents. But it is time I speak out about this because I do believe it is an issue for teens and young adults especially girls and I believe many tolerate abuse because they feel unworthy. Statistics show that one in three teenagers has experienced violence in a dating relationship. That is huge. Dating violence crosses all racial, economic and social lines. Most victims are young women, who are also at greater risk for serious injury.  These statistics are staggering and I was one of them.

I have one dear friend that I go to advice for, we were never that close in school but because of Facebook we have really connected. God has blessed her with spiritual wisdom and He has blessed me with her friendship. She was a couple of years younger than me and she believes I should share this part of my story because it will help someone. I don’t want to hurt anyone  but this dear friend witnessed some of my abuse while we were in school, she saw him abuse me in the hall, I never knew that. After she witnessed this abuse, which was minor compared to what happened at other times, she was shocked I stayed with him. She saw me as popular and outgoing seeming to have it all and she wondered why I would let anyone treat me like that but after learning my story she said it all made sense. I was just living in a cycle of abuse thinking I deserved the pain and that I brought it on myself.

John and I got together in high school. After our first date we were an item. We had a lot of fun: )) John was the funniest guy I knew and would pull the craziest stunts. I was in awe of his humor and the things he would do.  We were just so silly together; it was great fun especially in the beginning. I don’t remember when the hitting began, I am somewhat surprised that I don’t remember the first time but at some point it became routine and part of our relationship. I just don’t know how. The neglect and abuse were becoming more extreme at home but I was never hit. My father was verbally abusive and mother just absent so it still surprises me on some level that I tolerated this. Although we had a lot of fun our relationship was comprised of a lot of drinking and I’m sure that played a huge factor in the abuse that took place.

One of the worst times happened when we were at a club (don’t ask me how we went to clubs in high school but we did , to be honest it was PT’s on Lawther off Northwest Highway (it wasn’t a strip club then)  We were with a lot of kids from school and John and I got into a fight and broke up. He began to make out with another girl in a booth and I decided to dance with a boy named Billy who had always had a crush on me. When we started dancing John came over and pushed Billy out of the way grabbed me and bit through my cheek. It was bad I was bleeding and people jumped up to separate us. Everyone there just chalked it up to alcohol but I knew different, this had happened before but never in front of people and he was always careful to hit me where the bruises would not be visible.  An older boy that I had in a class with me and his girlfriend gave me a ride home. By the time we left my face was swollen and bruised from the bite, the girl asked what on earth I would tell my parents. I just remember looking at her and saying I would be able to conceal it knowing that my parents would never notice because my dad didn’t live there and my mother was never awake. I only had to hide the bruises from my friends and people at school because no one at home would notice. I remember sitting back in the seat of her green cougar and gazing out the window absently brushing my fingers across my bite mark feeling such shame.

I can’t remember what would set off his anger but he would just explode. One time we were at the lake and he was driving my car and got so angry grabbing head with one hand and holding it in his lap then pummeling me with his fist. I tried so hard to get away but couldn’t and I was so scared he would really hurt me.  I finally grabbed my gear shift and threw the car in park which made him let go of me and slow down then I jumped out of the car and began to run for my life. He was very careful to only hit my head and not my face. I remember my head being so sore but there were no visible bruises.

He would always apologize and promise to never do it again proclaiming his love for me then he would make me laugh and I would forgive him believing that would be the last time. Maybe I was so desperate for love that I continued to take this abuse I don’t know.  John had some wonderful qualities but the bottom line is he abused me horribly.

As time went on the abuse got more violent and our relationship was nearing its end. We kept breaking up and getting back together. He was so terribly controlling that I was isolated from my friends and he even talked me out of trying out for cheerleader one year . Because of him I didn’t’ try out, I still can’t believe that. But things were bad and about to get worse. This next night was the night that ended it all.

We were broken up again (which was happening on a daily basis) so Peri, Patti, and I decided to go hang out at Woodrow Hill with our friends from Long. We had a great time and I ran into my old boyfriend Hal and I spent a lot of time talking to him. Before I knew it I looked around and Peri and Patti were gone and I had no ride. Hal offered to drive me home and we left. As we turned off of St. Francis to Van Pelt I decided to lie down in the seat and I asked Hal to tell me if he saw a red Firebird parked in front of my house. He said no but there was one down the street. I told him not to stop so we took a right on Dorrington then a right on Baumgarten and parked. Hal was very concerned because he could sense my anxiety and asked me if I was scared of this guy. I wiped a tear from my eye and said no that I just didn’t want there to be a scene telling him I would run between the houses and go in through the garage or the backyard. Hal didn’t want to let me go but I said I would be fine and jumped out of his car. I then ran up the alley between Van Pelt and Baumgarten. I got very close to St. Francis because I was so scared John would see me . Then I ran across Van Pelt until I got to my alley then ran down  to my house. I climbed my wooden fence and jumped into the back yard trying to keep my German Shepherd Carl from barking and whining. I could tell he was so concerned for me. I gave Carl a huge hug then went into the sliding glass door and sighed deeply knowing I was safe.  I locked  the door behind me and then went back to my bedroom and turned the light on.

I knew Peri and Patti were there because their car was out front. Peri was asleep in my bed , Patti was lying down in my childhood room, and mother was passed out. My mistake was turning my light on because after I did I heard a knock at the front door. I went to the door and John pleaded with me to come out and talk to him, I could tell he had been drinking and I continued to say no but somehow he got to me. I can’t remember what he said that touched my heart but he was in tears begging me to just give him a moment and to be honest I still cared for him so much.  I opened the door slightly and he pounced. He reached in and grabbed my arm pulling me outside and down the steps with one arm. Behind his back he was holding a crow bar or a tire tool, the thing you use to change a tire. He threw me on the ground and hit me with the “crowbar” I began to crawl away and he kicked me over and hit me in the face with the tool.  I immediately felt the blood begin to flow raising my arms to shield my face. I couldn’t get up because he kept hitting me but I began to scamper away like a frightened animal and crawled between mine and the Griffith’s house. I prayed they would see me out the window but it didn’t appear as if anyone was awake. I can still feel the wet grass beneath my clothes and taste the blood from my busted lip and cheek. He was out of control and for the first time I was literally scared for my life and crying hysterically begging him to stop hoping someone, anyone would hear me.

At that moment Patti came running out of the house in her cute denim overalls with the spirit stick I had from cheerleading camp during junior high in her hand. Although genuinely thankful for her attempted rescue my first thought was couldn’t she have found a better weapon?  I mean a spirit stick is a small wooden dowel painted red, white, and blue. I was thinking of the Civil War sword that stood at my fireplace as well as the old musket which was displayed beside it but it was not a time to be critical, she was my saving grace. I am so thankful for Patti and the spirit stick because it provided me comic relief in this horribly tragic situation.  I was on the ground trying to avoid the blows, John was standing holding the crow bar and swinging at me and Patti was behind John trying to hit him with the spirit stick. The only problem is she kept missing him; she would raise the spirit stick with both hands and come down and COMPLETELY miss John then almost fall down. By this point I was laughing through the tears and blood. Patti then ran into the house screaming “Mrs. DeFace, Mrs. DeFace, you have to get up John is outside beating up Susan” Something about that made him stop, he grabbed his tool and ran to his car and left. Patti ran outside to help me get up and my mother staggered to the door still drunk not sure what was going on. My father was at the lake. Mother went back to bed and Patti and I began to tend to my wounds . Somehow Peri slept through it all. That was the last beating I received from John and the worst. Not long after that night an older boy who was a varsity offensive lineman and very large told John to never bother me again and he didn’t. It was the end to our relationship.

That was really my only abusive relationship, my marriage got abusive but that was the drugs and at the very end. Although alcohol played a huge part in John’s abuse it was different. For some reason at that time I didn’t believe that I deserved better. I didn’t believe that I was worthy.  At the time I was surprised I tolerated that because of who I was : popular, outgoing, “ the cheerleader” but that was who I wanted people to believe I was. During high school our self image is so very fragile. I have talked to many friends who were in abusive relationships also and they were from loving stable families so as the statistics say dating abuse crosses all lines and does not discriminate.  Looking back it was typical that I would tolerate that abuse, my family life was disintegrating and I felt I deserved it. I didn’t know how to set boundaries and my father who should have been my protector at that age left me with my alcoholic mother to tend to. It is not surprising at all that I tolerated that abuse. Just so thankful it ended without a severe injury.

When I wrote a little post after Hal’s death last week and what he meant to me I didn’t share this one night because I don’t want to hurt anyone not even John. That was really the last night that I spent much time with Hal and I will never forget the concern in his eyes which showed how much he still cared for me, his eighth grade girlfriend. The one regret I had was that I didn’t let him walk me to my door, he would have protected me I know and he was a tough guy.  I don’t think he ever knew what happened.

John’s  abuse was a fact and a lot of people knew about it to some extent but didn’t realize how bad it was and of course Patti witnessed  and thankfully rescued me from the most brutal beating of all. That picture will be forever stamped on my mind: Beautiful, gorgeous Patti wielding a spirit stick in my defense , while lacking coordination which only brought a little humor to this tragic situation and for that I am eternally grateful. Patti and I still laugh hysterically about that night that seemed to foreshadow the tragic events that were yet to come. It’s a little bittersweet but so thankful to have Patti still in my life 30 + years later : ))

Comments

[Patti Gilpin]

You know it was horribly awful to see my Susan being attacked. She suddenly seemed so helpless and frightened which she never did. She was usually rather fearless in her feats that I could never dream of trying.

To me, she was my hero and my humble honor that she was my friend mostly because she was really my sister's friend, a grade ahead.

My life didn't often feel much like roses and Susan always shared with me what she had. To her dad, Dick, she would say, "I have Patti, too." and he would double down. Additionally, I got to learn how to really waterski. Susan was always so generous with her time in teaching and endlessly pulling and turning around. And we'll save my curious walk down the pier one serene sunset that sat her folks upright for another time.

Susan, on some level you recognized and empathized with invisible abuse. Call it what you will: neglect is the saddest for children in particularly, I think, and is most common in middle~class era homes. All types are horrible, but the diminishing of youthful possibility and exuberance, brilliance and talent is a crime in more ways than one.

Sometimes still I feel like, "Get it over with, pull the band-aid, just don't do all those
other passive or deliberately or unconsciously cruel stuff ." Date violence is a twisted
subject and falls back on the extent to which our girls feel loved, how far they feel
they have to compromise themselves to get it and how easily they can turn to their
parent, both of them, for help.

Anyone prone to violence or mischief can track the vulnerable prey that they are looking for. Susan did not announce that at all. Had Dick been home John would of gotten his come up~pence. John, with his next girlfriend, I highly doubt took this route. This behavior found an outlet.

It unconsciously, scoped out the scene....and added alcohol. Susan is a strong woman and she was a physically strong and gifted athlete as a youngster and young woman.

Next time you meet with Susan and she is dazzling you with her wisdom, double entendres and the radiance of her smile and dancing eyes the color unlike any other, notice her delicate hands. Think of a young school aged girl closest to you and what you want her to know about love and a man raising a hand to a girl.