Angela: God has blessed me with this young lady -- She is my friend, my daughter, my mentee.

 John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  

Today I want to share another letter I received from a very dear friend, she is more like a daughter to me but before I do I want to take you back to when we met and how our relationship developed, she was and is my oldest daughter Hailey’s best friend. I can see the tapestry of God’s handiwork from the beginning.

I paroled out of prison in the summer of 2003 and came to live in Wylie. We had a small run down trailer on the outskirts of town and I was placed on a leg monitor as a condition of my parole. None of this mattered because I was so happy to be with my kids again, to be free, and to have AIR CONDITIONING. The trailer was like a palace compared to prison  (Life is all about perspective)  :) 

It was so awkward at first with my kids because I had let them down so many times and I knew they didn’t trust me.  The week before we got busted in 2001 CPS had visited them at school to interview  them and I remember sitting in my silver Toyota Camry in our driveway talking with my kids about this interview and assuring them that nothing bad would happen, a week later we were busted and CPS took custody of them at school. After I got out of rehab and they came to live with me and my father things went well for awhile but then I relapsed and got sent to prison. It was going to take some time to rebuild the trust and I was so scared about the damage that had been done hoping they would make good choices for their lives and in their friendships.

In the summer of 2003 Hailey had just gotten out of 8^th grade and would be starting high school in the fall. I knew this was a pivotal time in her life. There had been some concern about the friendships she had before so I was hoping for new friends to come into her life. God blessed us with Angela Tucker and Amanda Steele. These girls were outgoing and involved in extracurricular activities: Amanda was a cheerleader and Angela’s brother was quarterback of the Wylie Pirate’s Varsity Football Team.  Hailey just blossomed as she spent a lot of time at Angela’s going to football games, being with her family and just hanging out. I was so happy for these friendships.

Angela was and is a beautiful girl and their friendship continued to grow. They have each told me that they have such fun together and just laugh all the time. I understood perfectly because I had many friendships like that growing up. Just those special girls you enjoy being with because you can be yourself, be silly,  and just laugh !! Friends are so important.

Angela’s brother graduated at the end of their freshman year and went off to college the next fall. After that Angela’s home life started to deteriorate. Her parents separated and eventually divorced which left Angela alone far too often. I was shocked and saddened when her mother moved to Oklahoma and left Angela who was about 17 at the time alone in the house; her father still lived in Wylie but was struggling with his own alcoholism so was not there to guide her.

It seems after that her life started spiraling out of control. She quit attending school and started  partying too much and it wouldn’t be long before she hit a pretty hard bottom.

My relationship with Angela really began when she was locked up in Collin County jail and I began to write to her and she began to write back. Her letter says it all. I am so very proud of this young woman and the changes she has made in her life. She is a wonderful mother trying to create a beautiful life for her daughter Summer,  she now has a good job, attends church regularly , and basically has turned her life around with the guidance of God. This could have been a much different story but with God all things are possible.

God is just so AWESOME and I love that I have been able to witness first hand the transformation in Angela’s life. I love her as much as my own kids and so thankful to have her in my life. 

Hailey and Angela in 9th grade.

Her letter for my book and website  is below:) I was moved to tears by this, it was a beautiful gift to me.

"Susan Washington has had a huge impact in my life. She has been my spiritual leader, my guidance counselor, and most of all she has been my friend. We met when I was in junior high, when her eldest daughter, Hailey and I became best friends. It was not till later on in life when Susan and I really began to form an irreplaceable friendship.  Hard times hit my home when I was about sixteen. My parents were going through a divorce and like the typical teenager who faces many challenges, I began to party.  I blew off school, and began to care about very little. I started getting into more and more trouble and at seventeen was placed on probation for a felony. I continued my downward spiral doing whatever I wanted and eventually met a guy that enjoyed being in my chaotic downward spiral. We were together for about a year when I became pregnant. I instantly quit all of the partying. I decided to try and get my mind right and life on track, not only for myself, but for the new life I was going to bring into the world. Unfortunately, some things of my past caught up with me, as they always do. I found myself being convicted of my second felony at age eighteen. The court revoked my probation and I was stuck in jail with no way out; pregnant with my saving grace. I was lost and alone. All of my so called “friends” had left my side and I felt as though nobody cared about me. Susan began to send me letters while I was in jail. It was really the only mail that I received other than a few letters here and there from my child’s father. Those letters meant the world to me. Susan’s letters let me know that at least someone out there cared about me and could understand what I was going through. She was so encouraging and hopeful. She could relate to me in so many ways because she had been through so much herself. This is when our relationship began to deepen.

Our hometeam ( from left to right ) Angela, Scott,Me, Shane, Sandra, and Amada :)) These are my people !!

I was let out of jail on probation again. I was eight months pregnant. Immediately I started attending a home-team at Susan’s church which she co-led on Wednesday evenings. The people there had all been through so much and were so accepting and loving. Through the Wednesday night meetings my relationship with Susan began to deepen even more. I started going to church with her on Sunday’s and found so much love and encouragement through her. We were going through stages of coming closer to God together. I knew Susan when she first came out of prison. She did not have a relationship with God then, and I have had the privilege of watching her transform into this amazing woman of God; that I can only hope to be someday. I am so thankful that God has placed Susan in my life. I would have been lost without her helping me along the way. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for her life. I have the honor of watching her touch the lives of others daily and I know exactly how it feels. Susan has touched my life beyond words. I love you so much Susan. Thank you so much for everything. To quote Christian singer Francesca Battistelli “You are the Angel by my-side.”

Love Always,

Angela 

 Angela and I at my 50th Birthday Party !!!!!

8322 Van Pelt - My childhood HOME

Wow it was a very powerful day yesterday as I went back through my childhood home on Van Pelt. What was so amazing is I could embrace this visit in truth and light where before I felt as if I had to hide what had happened there.

As I was driving down I-30 I began to get nervous about this visit, 8322 Van Pelt always makes me nervous. It was a house of pain, horror, and tragedy for me but I also know somewhere buried deep are memories of love , adoration, and a family life I can’t remember .  So I braced the  steering wheel and pleaded with God to bring forth more healing so I can move forward and hopefully bring to surface the memories that I know are buried under the pain. This plea to God brought tears to my eyes but I could feel His strength and the fear and dread left me.

As I exited St. Francis I began to get somewhat excited about the possibilities and what may happen. I also prepared myself for the onslaught of memories that were sure to come as they always do and so thankful for the strength that God has instilled in me to face these demons from my past head on, so I can stand in complete victory over the darkness.

Driving down St. Francis I glanced down the streets where my childhood friends used to live. First Bellingham, next Londonderry, and then Jim Miller. Deciding to take a left on Jim Miller I drove down to Dorrington and took a right glancing at the home that still has the blue trim paint where Glen and Gwen Phillips had lived,remembering his tragic death when I was in eighth grade. Silently I said a prayer and decided to go up my alley .

As I drove up the alley I had a memory surface of David teaching me to ride a bike, we were at the end of our driveway and I sat upon the bicycle with the banana seat as David held me up. He gave me a push, a little too hard, and I went down the alley careening into the Cashs' chain link fence falling over onto the cement. David came running  and doctored my bloodied knee and he even bought me some candy. Later when my dad got home David got blamed for my injury. I'm not sure if I played this up or not by exaggerating my injury ,it was somewhat of a sad memory because although I remembered the love and doting of my daddy and even David  I felt somewhat guilty that David got into trouble. I think my dad was very hard on David so this memory brought mixed emotions.

As I pulled up to the driveway I remembered the yellow car that my dad had parked there after his best friend committed suicide. As a child I would peer into the windows looking at the bloodstained seats wondering why on earth my dad left that car there for me to see. This was only 6 months after David’s death and it was always so very  disturbing. Shaking the memory away I drove on up the alley and remembered playing kickball, red rover, flag football  and other games with my childhood neighbors . These memories brought a smile to my face.

Finally I turned  left on St. Francis then left on Van Pelt and parked my car ready to go into my old home. Nervously I knocked on the door , which was the original door my dad had installed. Seconds later I was greeted with a warm hug by Judy ( the current owner of the home)  and she invited me in asking me to sit at the kitchen table and have a cup of coffee. It was a perfect beginning .

As we drank our coffee I just shared my life with her sitting at the kitchen table with the bay window that I remembered so vividly. As I looked down the utility room I asked her if I could use the restroom remembering there was a powder bath down past the washer and dryer. Walking towards the bath I touched the place that held the built in ironing board. I was somewhat amazed at my recollection for details and smiled and sighed deeply as I began to relax.

Judy and I talked for over an hour which was so essential for this visit, I am so thankful to her for her hospitality and willingness to spend time with me. What a huge blessing. She then told me to tour the home alone and take all the pictures that I wanted. Standing up I wiped my palms on my jeans because they were sweating slightly then I grabbed my  phone and went through my childhood home ready to face my past and embrace my future.

As expected the tragic memories arose first as I passed the different rooms: David’s room was now an office but I just remembered it as the forbidden room with the shut doors that I was too scared to enter. Walking into it I realized it was just a room and held no power over me.

Next I went to the powder room where mother was passed out most often but this time it hurt a little less as I noticed the detail of the tile counter tops and smiled again at the little custom touches my dad made when he built this home in 1963.

After that I went into my parents’ bedroom and as always remembered the fire and my mother in a drunken haze trying to put sheets on a bed frame thinking a mattress was there. I stood where I did in 1979, back then I was wearing my cheerleading uniform for the very last time and I just watched my mother as she tripped over the frame laughing somewhat bitterly until I got really scared and helped her walk to my childhood room where I tucked her into bed.

The emotions then were so conflicting because I felt such love and hate. Yesterday I just felt sad for the pain my mother could not endure and for the little girl within me who was left with far too many responsibilities but I also felt such thankfulness for who I am today and for surviving. Smiling I walked into my teenage room feeling relief.

This room was my escape from my reality where I danced, sang, and watched endless TV . A room where I felt safe and secure.

Next was my pink bathroom that I loved with my triangular bathtub.

Again I was amazed at how it was just the same as it was back then. Smiling I moved into my childhood room where I found my mother’s body and again I felt sadness which is normal but the darkness I always felt before was gone. It was just  room and nothing more.

Feeling somewhat empowered by the revelation that the darkness was finally  gone and that this house had no evil power over me I went into the den. My main memories of this room were celebrating my 17^th birthday alone on the blue shag rug and then a year and a half later sitting in the exact same place waiting anxiously for my dad to arrive after finding my mother’s body.

As the sadness passed I looked towards the fireplace remembering the little blue Christmas stocking made out of felt which had a snowman on it. On Christmas morning it would be on the hearth haven fallen from the mantle filled with an orange, chocolate coin candy, and some almonds as well as other things. Then I remembered as a small child sneaking down the hall peering into the den to see what Santa Claus had brought me and running into my parents bedroom and jumping between them begging them to get up and my daddy hugging me tight telling me to wait a little longer because it was only 4 in the morning and falling back to sleep snuggled in his arms. That was the greatest memory of all. A little more healing took place yesterday and Judy said I could come back as many times as I needed. I feel so very blessed.

Please look at a few more pictures that I took in the gallery area. God is so good !!!

Matthew 6 :33 Seek the Kingdom of God[d] above all else...

Matthew 6 :33 Seek the Kingdom of God[d] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

This morning as I was driving to church I thought about this scripture because honestly I really didn’t want to go to church. I had decided to stay home because I had the day off and I was just not going to do anything. All kind of justifications were going through my mind which is always a red flag for me. ( When I start justifying and rationalizing I need to take a long hard look at it because more often than not I am up to no good) The only reason I decided to go to church was because my son Sammy really wanted me to, he and his girlfriend Shelby were going and he wanted me there . So as hard as it is to admit I really went to church today because my son asked me to. As I was driving I was feeling somewhat convicted because of my motives and about the whole situation really. 

God then reminded me of how I was during my addiction, how my drug was my God and I did anything for it. He then asked me if I would go to those lengths for him. My heart was somewhat broken.

Jeremiah: 17:9-10 The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? 10 “I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.” 

At the height of my addiction my drug was my God and I worshipped it with complete abandon. I remember being out of drugs and getting a call in the middle of the night that I could get something. I would jump out of bed and drive for hours to feed my addiction. My schedule, even though I was a full time teacher , was arranged around my drug habit. Nothing was more important than the drugs. I put the drugs above everything else in my life : my marriage, my children, my career, etc.

God reminded me of that today and asked me if HE was as important to me NOW as the drugs were back then. WOW!! This brought upon a wave of conviction because sadly the answer is No. 
Sure I go to church every Sunday but I’m usually running a little late because I hit the snooze button on my alarm to get an extra 10 minutes of sleep. I NEVER EVER hit the snooze button when my dealer called and said I could “re-up”. My heart is breaking a little more.

Psalm 51 : 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.

This is something I need to take a look at , I no longer worship a drug but are there other things or people in my life that I put before God ? 

Psalm 139: 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 Point out anything in me that offends you and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

God showed me what he found offensive in me this morning. What is so wonderful about God is that he admonishes us gently, that is how I knew this was from him: There was no guilt or condemnation just gentle conviction. 

Psalm 139: 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 Point out anything in me that offends you and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

God's amazing grace in my life

I received an e-mail through the site from someone requesting my testimony on a CD. I don't have it copied onto a CD but I have a video of me sharing at a First Baptist Church in Allen last spring.  I am including that video in my blog today . Hopefully that will help. Thanks everyone for all your support :) Your comments on my blogs and in my guestbook mean the world to me and are so uplifting. Have a Blessed and Happy New Year.   Susan

Standing on HIS TRUTH: finally rejecting the lie I believed for so long

For I, declares the LORD, will be a wall of fire around her, and I will be the glory in her midst. Sing for joy and be glad, O daughter of Zion; for behold I am coming and I will dwell in your midst, declares the LORD. As for you also, because of the blood of My covenant with you, I have set your prisoners free from the waterless pit. Return to the stronghold, O prisoners who have the hope; This... very day I am declaring that I will restore double to you.
Zechariah 2:5, 10, 9:11-12

Daughters of Zion
The Lord is in your midst
He has fought all your battles
And He has won victoriously
Even death itself could not stop Him
He bought you from the hand of the enemy
Delivered you from your chains

This brought me such comfort today and really spoke to me confirming that I am the daughter of the Most High, at times I forget that is my identity in Christ !!! There is something that has been on my mind a lot lately and it is something I have never really shared. I have talked about it with a few friends but I didn’t even mention it in my book. For some reason I have always minimized it because it really wasn’t that bad yet it has always bothered me and when I think of it I am brought to tears. Because of the emotion that arises this must be something that God wants me to deal with so I am going to share it because I receive a lot of healing through my writing and being open and transparent. This is not a black or white situation, there are many gray areas of which I have learned can be the most dangerous areas of all. My recollection of this night and the next day are hazy in parts and detailed in others. So I will just share my memory as I recall it.

Let’s go back to my junior year 1978…

It was a school night in the spring of ’78. I came home about 9:30 or 10:00 after hanging out with a boy I liked alot. I was in a really good mood and when I walked in the door got even more excited when I noticed my dad was there. He hadn’t been home in a long time. He was already asleep so I just went into my room to get ready for bed. Mother wasn’t there; I’m not sure where she was. She was either at Doctor’s Hospital in detox or she had gone to visit my sister in Panhandle. All I know is it was a relief that she was gone, it gave me a break from taking care of her and a reprieve of being worried that I would find her dead which was always on my mind. Smiling I put on my pajamas and crawled into bed feeling content.

I think I had dozed off for a bit but was awakened when my door opened and I saw a man standing in my doorway. I was startled at first but then relieved when I recognized who he was, although confused about why he was there. His voice slurred as he said “Hi Susan, how are you doing? you sure look pretty tonight” as he walked over to my bed. My relief turned to puzzlement then to fear as sat on the edge of my bed and started grabbing me. I sat up quickly and asked him what he was doing. He started touching me and I was just so very scared. I could smell alcohol on his breath and if I could recognize anything I could recognize drunkenness, I knew he was very intoxicated. This was someone I trusted and I was shocked at what he was doing. Quickly I rolled the other way and hopped out of bed running into my Daddy’s room. I woke him up telling him his friend was there. My dad talked to him for a minute and told him he needed to go home. After he left I broke down crying telling my dad what happened. It wasn’t that big of deal, it wasn’t like I was sexually assaulted or anything but it was still very disturbing.

The next morning I went to school and I was an emotional wreck. Cheerleading was first period so I didn’t have to be around a lot of people. I didn’t understand why I was so emotional but I couldn’t stop crying . I didn’t tell anyone what happened but I had to leave the school. For some reason I didn’t have my car that day and as I was crying in the Student Center I ran into Leah . She was concerned about me and gave me her keys so I could leave and try to get myself together. Driving her red Vega I went home to an empty house and walked into my bedroom. As sobs racked my body I fell onto my bed shaking. It still amazes me how upset I got because nothing really happened, I was out of the bed before he could do anything . He had barely touched me but I was violated none the less because I trusted him and he violated me in my home where he had access because he had a key.
After awhile my phone rang, ( I can picture the princess touch tone phone that sat on my nightstand, I can even remember my phone number: 327-0890 was my private line and 327-5606 was my parents’ line. I was very privileged in many ways with gifts and material possessions lavished upon me but what I wanted most, really needed most, was attention, love, and affection and sadly I don’t remember receiving those especially in those later years )

It was my dad was calling, I don’t know how he knew I was home but he did. He kept saying “You’re okay.” He said “He( our friend) was just drunk and would never do anything like that sober. You just need to not think about this and you will be fine.” !!” My dad kept justifying what our family friend had done. Basically he was telling me to pretend it didn’t happen , that was the way my family dealt with everything. So I just took a deep breath wiping away my tears and went back to school pretending nothing happened and reminding myself that it wasn’t that bad because he barely touched me.
The memory still makes me cry and that surprises me but I think what hurts the most was my dad’s reaction. I needed him to be my defender and protector that day standing up for his little girl but he laid it all down because he didn’t want to have that tough conversation with his friend. His silence on the matter spoke volumes to me that day. I already believed that I was alone, unloved, unworthy, and damaged. His reaction that day just made me believe the lie even more.

One thing I have always been grateful for is that my dad was there, I am not sure what would have happened if I had been alone. The man was very drunk but he was also a very large man and I just don’t know………so in some ways my Dad was my protector that night ,just by his presence and of course I know God was watching over me too.