My Sammy - Part I

After I had Alexis I stayed home for about 6 weeks and then returned to teaching. I just didn’t have the time built up to take more of a leave and I needed to work. I also signed up to teach summer school because it was only from 7:30-11:00 and was great money . I finally was getting into a routine of having a baby and a 3 year old and things were going smoother.

Summer school that year was awesome, I just loved teaching it. I had a group of 3 and 4 year olds with challenges ranging from speech problems to autism. This was an age group I loved and was just a refreshing change in the routine from the middle school group that I had been teaching during the school year. Music therapists and speech therapists were part of the summer school experience and it was just an enjoyable time.  As summer began I enjoyed the time with Alexis who was just a few months old, Hailey, and my class but the only problem is I was so very tired. I thought it was understandable with work and taking care of two small children but every day when I would get home from school I would put the kids down for a nap and I would take one also which was not normal for me. It was almost as if I felt pregnant again but I dismissed that thought thinking the symptoms were left over from Alexis, she was only 3-4 months old!!!

But the symptoms continued and I wasn’t sure what to do. I called my friend Leah who had given birth to two children very close and would asked her repeatedly “ Leah , how did  you know you were pregnant ?” and each time she would reply “ Susan, you need to take a test” to which I would reply ”I don’t want to take a test.” 

This denial went on for awhile then finally one day I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test and took it. I had not even got out the bathroom door before the positive sign showed for the test. I couldn’t believe it !!! I had a four month old baby and was pregnant again : ))

By the time school started that fall I was already in maternity clothes. I will never forget walking into the first in service meeting and my fellow teachers doing double takes and saying quips like “ don’t you know what causes that ?” to “don’t you know what prevents that?”. My fellow teachers did throw me another shower but I think they made a rule only two baby showers per teacher : ))

My pregnancy was uneventful and easy as they all were. I just got extremely big in my stomach. I mean my stomach was huge !!. As I said in Alexis’ blog we would put tape on the floor  in my classroom and measure how far I could be in the room with my stomach sticking out the door. It was unbelievable how far I could stand in the door with my stomach out of the room.

Sammy’s due date was Feb. 8 and I eagerly awaited his birth. People who knew me really well thought I might go into labor during the Super Bowl with both Alex and Sammy because the Cowboys went to the big game both those years and I was so into football screaming and getting excited but that didn’t happen.  Feb. 8 came and Sammy didn’t but I had to take Alexis to the hospital for a week and during that time I told my doctor I needed to have this baby, they thought he was huge and I was missing work with Alexis in the hospital and I didn’t have time saved up so on Feb. 12 at 6 in the morning they induced me and I had Sammy at 2.

He was my fastest and easiest delivery by far, only 8 hours !! I was so happy. When he emerged and I had my baby boy tears rolled down my cheeks. I was somewhat overwhelmed wondering how I was going to handle an 11 month old and a new born but I just knew I would have to. Right after Sammy’s birth they wheeled me down to do a tubal so I couldn’t get pregnant again. I was going to make my husband get a vasectomy because  I had just delivered two babies in 11 months and I thought it was his turn to experience some pain : ))but it was to our extreme financial advantage to do a tubal right after delivery  so reluctantly I agreed to the procedure.

Sammy was my largest baby arriving at 8lb 13oz and he was also a fairly easy and happy baby. I was really blessed with children who weren’t sick and easy to care for. He and Alexis shared a room for awhile and Alexis taught him all her mischievous ways to get out of the crib.

Having a boy was just so new to me; I really didn’t have much male interaction in my life. David died while I was so young, my father and I just didn’t relate in a healthy way at all, and my husband and I really didn’t either so I didn’t know what to expect. But I loved this little boy so and he was just so precious.

He was very gifted athletically and could pick up anything fast. My father bought him a trampoline for his 5^th or 6^th birthday. When they delivered it and set it up at our home in Rockwall Sammy was the first one on it. I will never forget he just started jumping and doing back flips as if he knew how. I was amazed. He then started doing front flips. He was just a natural. For the most part he was good at anything he tried athletically. He was so fast and loved playing football and basketball!!!

He had and still does have a heart of gold. I am always amazed at his heart and the wisdom God has instilled in him.  He is so much wiser than his years. His wisdom comes from the pain he has experienced and that makes me sad. But I can’t change the past or the pain I’ve caused, I just have to trust God and know he will bring good from all the pain Sammy has experienced in his life.

Teachers and classmates always liked Sammy so much, he is very laid back and funny : )) but at times he struggled with school and a lot of that may have had to do with the neglect he experienced from me when he was young. We were just really messed up during his first years of school. He was in second grade when we got busted and I just know I wasn’t there for him to help him with his school work plus all the distractions at home. We missed so much school also because of my drug use. I know I did him a disservice and throughout the years he never felt he was very smart although he was, he just didn’t receive that educational foundation during those formative years  that was so important. While he should have been able to focus on school he was wondering why his family was falling apart and things were so chaotic, I can’t imagine the fear. Well yes I can because I lived that also. So very thankful I finally stopped the cycle of dysfunction : )

As I said Sammy was so young when we got in trouble I don’t’ remember how it affected him the way I did with Hailey, I saw her withdraw but Sammy and Alex were just so little trying to deal with destruction of their family, on  a level I can only begin to imagine.

I remember clearly the incident that got CPS involved in our lives the week before we got busted. I was at work when I received a call from the elementary school asking if I knew where Alex and Sammy were. I told them they should be at school. I was then told something wasn’t right. My husband was asleep in the car and the kids were nowhere to be found. 

Alarmed by the situation and noting the judgment and condemnation in the voice of the administrator I knew I had to get back to the Rockwall as soon as possible. I kept calling our phone (we only had a go phone by this point) and there was no answer. I was off campus with my students so I had to get a ride back to my car and drive to Rockwall, when I got home Warner was asleep and Alex and Sammy were hiding in the attic. I didn’t even know what to say. Everything was just so messed up. I called the school and told them I found the kids but deep down in my gut I knew this meant a lot of trouble and I was pretty sure CPS would be called. 

Feeling overwhelmed all I knew to do was get high , that is how I dealt with everything at that point. A week later CPS interviewed our kids at school and as I have said I don’t know what they said  but I know that Sammy knew  we were doing drugs and he knew if he told those CPS workers  the truth our lives would change. He was in second grade and he had that wisdom. He wasn’t sure how to handle it because he was scared but He knew the implication of all that was happening and I think on some level he knew things needed to change so he was honest. Hailey got upset with him for his honesty because she was so scared but he chose to tell the truth , he knew something was up and he knew it wasn’t good. He has told me that he knew things were bad because Warner and I didn’t pay attention to them anymore . It breaks my heart to think of his fear but at the same time I am amazed at his thought process as a 7 -8 year old.

He went to live with his aunt and uncle while we were incarcerated and he thrived although he missed us terribly.   Where Alexis exhibited behavioral issues Sammy’s aunt and uncle told me he was just the perfect kid and he loved to eat.  After I got out of rehab Sammy came to live with me at my dad’s. This was when we lived in Chandler’s Landing in Rockwall and could go hang out at the yacht club, take out the Sea Doo, and swim anytime.  From the outside looking in it seemed like the perfect life for a young boy but there was so much going on: the abuse from my father towards me , the abuse and critical aspect in which my father treated my children, and  my relapse which instilled fear in my children’s hearts and minds again. Things were not as they appeared at all.

( I will never forget going back to Chandler’s Landing to drive past my Dad’s old house when Sammy went to take his driving permit test. As we looked at the house, which was a beautiful two story with a balcony, Sammy made the comment that even though we had  so many “things” at that time he was much happier living in our very modest home with the financial struggles we have because I was clean and sober . Because I was clean and sober I was there for him and he saw that was more important than having a bunch of stuff.  I think my mouth dropped open at the depth of his wisdom and heart. I was just so amazed that at 15 he saw that material possessions do not make people happy and although his friends had so much more than he did he really didn’t care. He was happy for them  and at times he would wish things could be easier but deep down in his heart he was just thankful and happy that our relationship had been restored.

I just love him so much!

Connie Moss from HeartBeat Magazine

Connie Moss from Heartbeat Magazine e-published this today, Feb. 2, 2012 -- 

"I want to highlight a particular article this month called, "From Pompons to Prison". A classmate of mine from high school was Head Cheerleader and a very popular student, back in the day... when she graduated, because of life circumstances, she fell into a world of drugs and alcohol, which eventually led her to prison. She has written a "nutshell" from her new book, From Pompons to Prison, for this months issue. Her story truly depicts the love that the Lord has for us as His people. Please check it out and if you would like for her to come speak at your church or school or a function of any kind, there are links and contact information on her page."

Here's the online link to my published article in the magazine. If the link doesn't work, you can visit my picture gallery where I have posted some still frames of the page.

Connie is the Founder/CEO of Heart Beat the Group Online, HeartBeat the Magazine and HeartBeat World Community. Connie is a speaker/motivator and is in the beginning stages of her first book called, “Getting Over Depression… with God”. She lives in Dallas , Texas with her husband, Charlie, and her three children, Bethany, Phillip and Benjamin. She loves to travel with her family and her passion is motivating and empowering people (especially women) to be all they can be in Christ!

Renewal Radio and a powerful memory

Yesterday was a lot of fun as I did the radio interview. The program is called Renewal Radio and it airs daily for 15 minutes Monday-Friday.  One guest is featured each week  and Dr. Getz unfolds their story on the air through an interview and then he applies Biblical Principles to Live By through the story. That was my understanding. I really don’t know how it will come together because there will be a lot of work that doesn’t include me. Dr. Getz had contacted me through the website after reading the article in the Dallas Morning News. He asked for a summary of my story and some video clips of me sharing which I sent to him. After going over my information he decided to do a program on God’s Redemption in my life. We then set the interview for Wed. Feb. 1 @ 3. Luckily I was able to have someone cover the model for a couple of hours.

As I stated yesterday I had a rough morning and was feeling out of sorts but by the time I arrived at the studio I was feeling better. It is amazing how prayer and soaking in the presence of the Lord can help plus a quick stop at Starbucks always puts a smile on my face : )

Thank goodness for Iphones and the GPS/maps they have because that guided me to my destination. As I pulled into the office parking lot which is part of Chase Oaks church I looked up the hill at the actual church and remembered my very first speaking engagement for a Seed Sowers banquet  back in March of 2010. The banquet was held in that building. Melanie had attended the banquet to support me (as always) and brought a flip camera and recorded that presentation which we uploaded onto Facebook the next day. That 15 minute video was the first time many of my facebook friends heard my story or what had happened, I was amazed at the outpouring of love and support from my childhood friends.

It was kind of hard for me but after a little thought  I told Melanie to just post it : ))  She texted me later that day because I was working and said “Susan, you’re not going to believe all the comments on the video” I was so very touched . Those were my thoughts as I stepped into the building and told the receptionist I was there to see Dr. Gene Getz.

Dr. Getz came to meet me and grabbed my hand warmly and showed me back to the radio studio. He was so very kind and told me he was amazed by my story. After settling in at the table with the mic and headphones Dr. Getz went to do a few things before we started and his producer came out to brief me on what would take place. Having never been on radio or in a radio station my only reference to pull from was Peri on Frasier. ( She was the producer of Frasier’s radio show )  David was the producer's name and he was so very nice too. He got me some water and I told him I was scared I was going to sound too Texan/Country but he said I would be fine and when I put on the headphones I would be able to hear myself. Taking a sip of water I relaxed a little and said a prayer for God to speak through me and for his message to shine.

Dr. Getz then returned and sat down and we began the interview. He knew my story well and had done his research so in a way he was telling my story and I was adding detail. I have never been in that position before where I heard my life through  someone else’s voice. As he talked about the suicides( David, my dad’s best friend, and my grandfather ), the alcoholism of my mom and dad, mother’s death, Kathey’s death, my addiction, prison, then the death of Sammy’s friend Alex I was in tears and my heart was broken. It is hard to explain the impact it had on me. I was just so sad for the little wounded girl within me and what she went through, it was almost like it was someone else.

It is so hard to describe the emotions I was feeling. But then we talked about my salvation and accepting Jesus Christ as my Savior and I began to smile through those tears because of what I have overcome through my relationship with Jesus Christ. I survived because of HIM. We ended the interview with the end of my father’s life and that amazing moment on Oct. 9, 2010 when I led him to the Lord and he himself accepted Jesus Christ as his Savior and then his death on Dec. 13, 2010.

 

Dr. Gene Getz and I after the interview. I also got an amazing Bible :)

Dr. Getz said I had such a tragic story and that he was amazed that I survived and was living in the freedom that Jesus provides. He said many would have laid it down or given up but I was now standing in victory. He then asked me if I ever thought about ending it all and I told him one time I came very close and I will share that moment because ironically enough I told this story to the students at Skyline the day before as well. I thought the program was over but when I finished sharing this part of my story Dr. Getz asked David if he got that (what I had just shared) on tape and he said yes. He said they would probably try and use it because it was so powerful. I will share it with you, I have shared it before but some of you may have not read it.

Let’s go back to April 24, 2001: I was all alone in a motel room off 635 and Ferguson, sitting on the edge of the bed. Crying with my head held between my hands contemplating what to do next. There were so many voices whispering in my ear telling me I was horrible, a murderer, a loser, and a failure. These criticizing voices were overwhelming and I thought it might be better for everyone if I was gone. I was just so scared and I missed Kathey so badly.

It had been a very long weekend and I was basically “on the run.” My kids were gone (thankfully CPS turned them over to my husband’s parents), my husband was locked up with no chance for bond, and I was too scared to call my Dad.  I was all alone in a motel room not knowing what to do. It was the most desperate and alone I think I have ever felt in my life.

I had been calling in sick to work and I knew I had to do something because I couldn’t continue doing nothing. Finally I mustered up the courage and called the GISD benefits office. To this day I can’t remember who I talked to but she was an angel sent from God. Crying, I told her I was a teacher in the district,  in a lot of trouble with the police , on drugs, and  I didn’t know what to do (as I type this I am crying so hard because I can still feel the pain, desperation, and fear I felt at that time). She told me, in the kindest gentlest voice, to calm down because that is what she was there for. She suggested I check into Baylor Richardson Hospital to be assessed, reminding me that I had insurance that I should access. She told me things were going to get better and asked that I please not do anything drastic. I think she was crying too because she was so scared for me and what I might do.  She then offered to call my principal and tell him what was happening. Relief flooded my body because she didn’t judge me, she didn’t think I was horrible, she just knew I was in trouble and needed help. I needed her and her reaction that day.

To be honest I don’t know what I would have done if she had been judgmental. I never thought I would consider suicide because I saw what my brother’s suicide did to my family but I was WITHOUT HOPE that day and I couldn’t see a way out.  I didn’t want people to see the real me and what I had become. I was covered in shame and did not feel I could face anyone. But she looked past all that and treated me with love and respect. I have thought about her often and her impact on my life that day, it was huge.

I have always hoped to treat everyone I come into contact with the way she treated me, I fail sometimes but the memory of the despair I felt that morning  is always close to my heart and when she treated me with love and acceptance it gave me hope. Isn’t it amazing how a little kindness and love changed a potentially tragic situation? It takes so little to be loving and kind. I took her advice and drove straight to Baylor Richardson.

I parked my Silver Toyota Camry and took a deep breath.  My car was a mess because I had basically been on the run, going from motel to motel. I had not been back to my home since the drug bust so throughout the weekend I had to buy clothes, personal hygiene products, etc. I had to buy everything because I had walked out of that school on April 19^thwith only my purse. So I sat in my car mustering up the courage to walk in to that hospital and say I was a drug addict, I had never admitted that before that day. As I looked through my car I picked up the plastic baggie that had the traces of Meth I had left and just stared at it. 

Thoughts began to bombard my mind: “do the rest of the drugs”, “go ride around and finish what you have then come back” to “throw the drugs away and check into that hospital”.  Again I took a deep breath and put the baggie into a paper sack I had from McDonalds and got out of my car. Slowly I walked to a trash can and looked at the bag one last time then shoved it into the trash, turning quickly I ran into the emergency room. Breaking down into tears I told the lady in the admissions that I was a drug addict and I needed help. I was admitted into the hospital and assessed. I was sent to the fourth floor which was for patients dealing with substance abuse issues as well as mental problems. I was so scared but I was also relieved, in a way I had finally surrendered.

I spent three days there. We participated in groups, attended AA meetings, and listened to speakers who came to share their stories, many of the patients on the floor had severe mental problems and for the first time in a long time I felt a little hope because my problems didn’t seem as severe as some of the people I met there.

I also shared this part of my story with the students at Skyline. As I walked the halls of the school there were many posters about Rachel's Challenge and I just believed this story of being kind and accepting would fit right in with Rachel's Challenge. I encouraged the students to treat everyone with kindness because you never know what someone else is going through. They may have smile on their face that is covering the pain in their heart or they may be acting out,  but sometimes we just never know what is going on in someone's life and as I said  "It takes so little to be loving and kind".  It is an attitude that we can all choose to have and you never know when you may change a potentially tragic situation by saying a kind word.

I know, it happened to me.

A sweet e-mail and a sad healing memory

 There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. (Revelation 21:4 NKJV)

I got the sweetest e-mail from a childhood friend’s mother yesterday.  Many of you know Todd Hall; this was from his mother Ione. She knew my mother well and she just sent me a note saying my mother was always so proud of me and even in her addiction that pride showed. It made me cry (I am crying now as I write this). It is so nice to hear that because that is all I ever wanted: for them to love me and be proud of me but they just couldn’t express it because of their pain. She also told me she was VERY proud of me and that touched me deeply.

One thing I always remembered about Ione was her helping me after mother died. Kathey had gone back to Panhandle and daddy to the lake. That left me alone in the house on Van Pelt. Friends had brought food and Ione helped me return the dishes. I didn’t know what to do because I just didn’t have any instruction in that area, thinking the masking tape on each dish with the name written on it was just to tell me who brought what. I was a little clueless.

She was so nice because it had been awhile since momma died and she stopped by to help me and taught me a basic etiquette. I felt ashamed and guilty that I had not returned the dishes but she was so nice when I felt so lost and alone.  Her e-mail made me think about momma and a time when I missed her terribly. It is a very sad memory but very significant to my journey. I think I may go visit momma and David today. Grove Hill is so very peaceful.  

First I will share my memory.  Let’s go back to late fall of 2000. My life was spiraling out of control and I was about to crash and burn. But God led me to my momma; I know he did because there is no other explanation. Grove Hill is HUGE and sadly I didn’t have a clue to where she was buried. Let’s go back...

Things were falling apart in the fall of 2000: I had let the insurance lapse on my car, my car was totaled with no means to replace it, we were evicted from the house we were living in because we weren’t paying the rent, and I was asked to leave the district where I had worked. Addiction changes people and their personalities so total dysfunction and chaos ruled my home.

A day that has always stood out in my mind was a morning that I was driving with my husband down I-30. He had gotten a possession charge a few months earlier and was serving 30 days in the Dallas County Jail. He was released during the day for work even though he wasn’t working. I had just picked him up from Decker (the work release detention facility).

We were fighting horribly,addiction had ruined our relationship.  He was mad because I had done a lot of our drugs the night before and the fight had turned physical. As we passed the Lawnview exit I decided to get out of the car because I was scared he would really hurt me, I just had to get out. As I opened the door my husband slowed down and began to pull over screaming at me to stop, not sure of what I was going to do. When he slowed down enough where I could get out I jumped out of the car and started running.

Tears were streaming down my face and I was just felt so very lost and alone. I ran into Grove Hill Cemetery and decided to look for my mother and brother’s site, I didn’t have a clue where they were buried but I needed to find them desperately. I needed my momma. I ran up and down rows looking for the DeFace name. Amazingly I found them and that was amazing because Grove Hill is huge! After finding the markers with their names I just threw myself down on my mother’s site crying my heart out.

Crying for the mother I missed so badly and never really knew in life. Crying for the girl I had been with hopes and dreams, for the little girl who had been so neglected, and for the sad addicted woman I had become. I knew my life was out of control but I didn’t have the tools or the strength to make the changes I needed to turn it around.

I will never forget that moment of sheer desperation and total helplessness. I know God led me to my mother giving me one more chance to reach out but I couldn’t. Maybe my selfish pride prevented me from admitting what I had become so I just stood up wearily brushing the grass off my clothes. I looked back and saw my husband parked watching me, he was crying too.

As I walked to the car he said that was the saddest thing he have ever seen, me running through the cemetery looking for my dead mother.  Not knowing how to respond I just got into the car and leaned back, exhausted from the experience.  Sadly we returned home to do more drugs.

Revisiting Skyline

Next Tuesday I am going to continue my journey revisiting places from my past. I am so very excited !!! At  11 I am going to meet Sandy Wilson, president of the Skyline Alumni Association,  and we are going to go have lunch at Pizza Getti then go to SKYLINE!!  The Skyline newspaper is going to interview me and take photos. I don’t think I have walked the halls of Skyline since May of 1979. So many memories are flooding my mind. Most of the places I have revisited recently are places where I lived in defeat and bondage:  NTTC, Van Pelt, My Rockwall Probation Officers office, etc.

But Skyline was my saving grace at the time since I didn’t recognize Jesus, I think he gave me Skyline. At Skyline I felt popular, accepted, and loved. I know it seems silly but cheerleading was so important to me, it just made me feel that I was maybe okay. At home there was so much neglect and I felt as if I didn’t matter to anyone. My  self -worth was declining as my mother’s alcoholism deteriorated so because I was head cheerleader it made me think that maybe there was some worth. As I said I know it seems silly but that kept me on the right track for a long time, the recognition and acceptance I received at Skyline. I am thankful God blessed me with that.

 So I am super excited to return this place which was an integral part of my history. I am literally doing cheers right now and thinking back…….. .  I can picture myself running down the aisle of the auditorium doing aerials as the band played the fight song  “ Hit the team across the field ……………” then getting up on stage for the pep rally which we always ended with” V-I-C-T-O-R-Y  , victory , victory is our cry”.   That victory cheer has so much more meaning than I ever thought it would because I am living in the VICTORY that Jesus Christ has provided which is available to everyone. I want to share that hope and victory with everyone I can.  I will take you on this journey with me, stayed tuned. I appreciate all you so much:)