My Sammy - Part I
Susan WashingtonAfter I had Alexis I stayed home for about 6 weeks and then returned to teaching. I just didn’t have the time built up to take more of a leave and I needed to work. I also signed up to teach summer school because it was only from 7:30-11:00 and was great money . I finally was getting into a routine of having a baby and a 3 year old and things were going smoother.
Summer school that year was awesome, I just loved teaching it. I had a group of 3 and 4 year olds with challenges ranging from speech problems to autism. This was an age group I loved and was just a refreshing change in the routine from the middle school group that I had been teaching during the school year. Music therapists and speech therapists were part of the summer school experience and it was just an enjoyable time. As summer began I enjoyed the time with Alexis who was just a few months old, Hailey, and my class but the only problem is I was so very tired. I thought it was understandable with work and taking care of two small children but every day when I would get home from school I would put the kids down for a nap and I would take one also which was not normal for me. It was almost as if I felt pregnant again but I dismissed that thought thinking the symptoms were left over from Alexis, she was only 3-4 months old!!!
But the symptoms continued and I wasn’t sure what to do. I called my friend Leah who had given birth to two children very close and would asked her repeatedly “ Leah , how did you know you were pregnant ?” and each time she would reply “ Susan, you need to take a test” to which I would reply ”I don’t want to take a test.”
This denial went on for awhile then finally one day I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test and took it. I had not even got out the bathroom door before the positive sign showed for the test. I couldn’t believe it !!! I had a four month old baby and was pregnant again : ))
By the time school started that fall I was already in maternity clothes. I will never forget walking into the first in service meeting and my fellow teachers doing double takes and saying quips like “ don’t you know what causes that ?” to “don’t you know what prevents that?”. My fellow teachers did throw me another shower but I think they made a rule only two baby showers per teacher : ))
My pregnancy was uneventful and easy as they all were. I just got extremely big in my stomach. I mean my stomach was huge !!. As I said in Alexis’ blog we would put tape on the floor in my classroom and measure how far I could be in the room with my stomach sticking out the door. It was unbelievable how far I could stand in the door with my stomach out of the room.
Sammy’s due date was Feb. 8 and I eagerly awaited his birth. People who knew me really well thought I might go into labor during the Super Bowl with both Alex and Sammy because the Cowboys went to the big game both those years and I was so into football screaming and getting excited but that didn’t happen. Feb. 8 came and Sammy didn’t but I had to take Alexis to the hospital for a week and during that time I told my doctor I needed to have this baby, they thought he was huge and I was missing work with Alexis in the hospital and I didn’t have time saved up so on Feb. 12 at 6 in the morning they induced me and I had Sammy at 2.
He was my fastest and easiest delivery by far, only 8 hours !! I was so happy. When he emerged and I had my baby boy tears rolled down my cheeks. I was somewhat overwhelmed wondering how I was going to handle an 11 month old and a new born but I just knew I would have to. Right after Sammy’s birth they wheeled me down to do a tubal so I couldn’t get pregnant again. I was going to make my husband get a vasectomy because I had just delivered two babies in 11 months and I thought it was his turn to experience some pain : ))but it was to our extreme financial advantage to do a tubal right after delivery so reluctantly I agreed to the procedure.
Sammy was my largest baby arriving at 8lb 13oz and he was also a fairly easy and happy baby. I was really blessed with children who weren’t sick and easy to care for. He and Alexis shared a room for awhile and Alexis taught him all her mischievous ways to get out of the crib.
Having a boy was just so new to me; I really didn’t have much male interaction in my life. David died while I was so young, my father and I just didn’t relate in a healthy way at all, and my husband and I really didn’t either so I didn’t know what to expect. But I loved this little boy so and he was just so precious.
He was very gifted athletically and could pick up anything fast. My father bought him a trampoline for his 5th or 6th birthday. When they delivered it and set it up at our home in Rockwall Sammy was the first one on it. I will never forget he just started jumping and doing back flips as if he knew how. I was amazed. He then started doing front flips. He was just a natural. For the most part he was good at anything he tried athletically. He was so fast and loved playing football and basketball!!!
He had and still does have a heart of gold. I am always amazed at his heart and the wisdom God has instilled in him. He is so much wiser than his years. His wisdom comes from the pain he has experienced and that makes me sad. But I can’t change the past or the pain I’ve caused, I just have to trust God and know he will bring good from all the pain Sammy has experienced in his life.
Teachers and classmates always liked Sammy so much, he is very laid back and funny : )) but at times he struggled with school and a lot of that may have had to do with the neglect he experienced from me when he was young. We were just really messed up during his first years of school. He was in second grade when we got busted and I just know I wasn’t there for him to help him with his school work plus all the distractions at home. We missed so much school also because of my drug use. I know I did him a disservice and throughout the years he never felt he was very smart although he was, he just didn’t receive that educational foundation during those formative years that was so important. While he should have been able to focus on school he was wondering why his family was falling apart and things were so chaotic, I can’t imagine the fear. Well yes I can because I lived that also. So very thankful I finally stopped the cycle of dysfunction : )
As I said Sammy was so young when we got in trouble I don’t’ remember how it affected him the way I did with Hailey, I saw her withdraw but Sammy and Alex were just so little trying to deal with destruction of their family, on a level I can only begin to imagine.
I remember clearly the incident that got CPS involved in our lives the week before we got busted. I was at work when I received a call from the elementary school asking if I knew where Alex and Sammy were. I told them they should be at school. I was then told something wasn’t right. My husband was asleep in the car and the kids were nowhere to be found.
Alarmed by the situation and noting the judgment and condemnation in the voice of the administrator I knew I had to get back to the Rockwall as soon as possible. I kept calling our phone (we only had a go phone by this point) and there was no answer. I was off campus with my students so I had to get a ride back to my car and drive to Rockwall, when I got home Warner was asleep and Alex and Sammy were hiding in the attic. I didn’t even know what to say. Everything was just so messed up. I called the school and told them I found the kids but deep down in my gut I knew this meant a lot of trouble and I was pretty sure CPS would be called.
Feeling overwhelmed all I knew to do was get high , that is how I dealt with everything at that point. A week later CPS interviewed our kids at school and as I have said I don’t know what they said but I know that Sammy knew we were doing drugs and he knew if he told those CPS workers the truth our lives would change. He was in second grade and he had that wisdom. He wasn’t sure how to handle it because he was scared but He knew the implication of all that was happening and I think on some level he knew things needed to change so he was honest. Hailey got upset with him for his honesty because she was so scared but he chose to tell the truth , he knew something was up and he knew it wasn’t good. He has told me that he knew things were bad because Warner and I didn’t pay attention to them anymore . It breaks my heart to think of his fear but at the same time I am amazed at his thought process as a 7 -8 year old.
He went to live with his aunt and uncle while we were incarcerated and he thrived although he missed us terribly. Where Alexis exhibited behavioral issues Sammy’s aunt and uncle told me he was just the perfect kid and he loved to eat. After I got out of rehab Sammy came to live with me at my dad’s. This was when we lived in Chandler’s Landing in Rockwall and could go hang out at the yacht club, take out the Sea Doo, and swim anytime. From the outside looking in it seemed like the perfect life for a young boy but there was so much going on: the abuse from my father towards me , the abuse and critical aspect in which my father treated my children, and my relapse which instilled fear in my children’s hearts and minds again. Things were not as they appeared at all.
( I will never forget going back to Chandler’s Landing to drive past my Dad’s old house when Sammy went to take his driving permit test. As we looked at the house, which was a beautiful two story with a balcony, Sammy made the comment that even though we had so many “things” at that time he was much happier living in our very modest home with the financial struggles we have because I was clean and sober . Because I was clean and sober I was there for him and he saw that was more important than having a bunch of stuff. I think my mouth dropped open at the depth of his wisdom and heart. I was just so amazed that at 15 he saw that material possessions do not make people happy and although his friends had so much more than he did he really didn’t care. He was happy for them and at times he would wish things could be easier but deep down in his heart he was just thankful and happy that our relationship had been restored.
I just love him so much!
Reader Comments (4)
What a blessing. Seems so wise for his years. Sons are special. Can't wait for part 2. Love you.
How inspiring, Susan. God has blessed you greatly with Sammy and all of your children.
God is working mightily in Sammy's life. Most people never learn that the things of this world cannot give you happiness, yet Sammy has learned this at age 15. It's something that I still struggle with in my weaker moments and I'm humbled that Sammy is more mature at 15 than I am at 51.
Please give Sammy my best. God's spirit is strong with him. The generational curses have been broken and he is raising up new generations from you that have God's DNA of love and wisdom.
Dysfunction in it's most deeply rooted form of darkness, I think, rots from the roots. In that vein it destroys, for instance, memory. This journal so vividly colors for us, within the lines of an abject and awesome descension of addiction, taking over our Susan.
Let's say, (so as not to canonize her), she was innocently was at the apex of her own crisis and vulnerability, all the while Susan had finished college with a
special degree in the service of precious children, married her sweetheart and
wanted very much to love and raise some beautiful kiddies of her very own.
It is always staggering to me, and such a tribute to, in this event, Sammy, how dedicated your beautiful mind was and is to the cold storage and perfect preservation of the memories and truths of His own. You attribute all of his charm and grace and wisdom and handsomeness as if if you found Sammy wrapped in silk lying in the collard patch one spectactularly brilliant summer's morning.
Sammy was born when my Sam had proclaimed, "Soup Bowl!" for that very same game and had caused for me that same tummy, w the same 13 oz, and the same 8 hours...who knew? See, I'm showing my work. I love you, Snowy and I love you, Sammy. When I asked Sammy to be my FB friend, saying I knew that I was a grown-up and all....He came right back and said, s'thing close to, "I won't hold that against you." Godspeed, Sammy....and please, as I tell my Sam (to resounding "O Ma!"...don't let anything happen to your Mama's little boy.) Love, Auti Pati
He is a wise and mature old soul. I am guessing how he did things was self preservation but also believing it was up to him to help you find your peace and salvation to come. I know I feel my greatest accomplishment in my life is my marriage and my children. Nothing else really matters. I know your children keep you on the path you are on. And God is guiding them for you.