A sweet e-mail and a sad healing memory

 There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. (Revelation 21:4 NKJV)

I got the sweetest e-mail from a childhood friend’s mother yesterday.  Many of you know Todd Hall; this was from his mother Ione. She knew my mother well and she just sent me a note saying my mother was always so proud of me and even in her addiction that pride showed. It made me cry (I am crying now as I write this). It is so nice to hear that because that is all I ever wanted: for them to love me and be proud of me but they just couldn’t express it because of their pain. She also told me she was VERY proud of me and that touched me deeply.

One thing I always remembered about Ione was her helping me after mother died. Kathey had gone back to Panhandle and daddy to the lake. That left me alone in the house on Van Pelt. Friends had brought food and Ione helped me return the dishes. I didn’t know what to do because I just didn’t have any instruction in that area, thinking the masking tape on each dish with the name written on it was just to tell me who brought what. I was a little clueless.

She was so nice because it had been awhile since momma died and she stopped by to help me and taught me a basic etiquette. I felt ashamed and guilty that I had not returned the dishes but she was so nice when I felt so lost and alone.  Her e-mail made me think about momma and a time when I missed her terribly. It is a very sad memory but very significant to my journey. I think I may go visit momma and David today. Grove Hill is so very peaceful.  

First I will share my memory.  Let’s go back to late fall of 2000. My life was spiraling out of control and I was about to crash and burn. But God led me to my momma; I know he did because there is no other explanation. Grove Hill is HUGE and sadly I didn’t have a clue to where she was buried. Let’s go back...

Things were falling apart in the fall of 2000: I had let the insurance lapse on my car, my car was totaled with no means to replace it, we were evicted from the house we were living in because we weren’t paying the rent, and I was asked to leave the district where I had worked. Addiction changes people and their personalities so total dysfunction and chaos ruled my home.

A day that has always stood out in my mind was a morning that I was driving with my husband down I-30. He had gotten a possession charge a few months earlier and was serving 30 days in the Dallas County Jail. He was released during the day for work even though he wasn’t working. I had just picked him up from Decker (the work release detention facility).

We were fighting horribly,addiction had ruined our relationship.  He was mad because I had done a lot of our drugs the night before and the fight had turned physical. As we passed the Lawnview exit I decided to get out of the car because I was scared he would really hurt me, I just had to get out. As I opened the door my husband slowed down and began to pull over screaming at me to stop, not sure of what I was going to do. When he slowed down enough where I could get out I jumped out of the car and started running.

Tears were streaming down my face and I was just felt so very lost and alone. I ran into Grove Hill Cemetery and decided to look for my mother and brother’s site, I didn’t have a clue where they were buried but I needed to find them desperately. I needed my momma. I ran up and down rows looking for the DeFace name. Amazingly I found them and that was amazing because Grove Hill is huge! After finding the markers with their names I just threw myself down on my mother’s site crying my heart out.

Crying for the mother I missed so badly and never really knew in life. Crying for the girl I had been with hopes and dreams, for the little girl who had been so neglected, and for the sad addicted woman I had become. I knew my life was out of control but I didn’t have the tools or the strength to make the changes I needed to turn it around.

I will never forget that moment of sheer desperation and total helplessness. I know God led me to my mother giving me one more chance to reach out but I couldn’t. Maybe my selfish pride prevented me from admitting what I had become so I just stood up wearily brushing the grass off my clothes. I looked back and saw my husband parked watching me, he was crying too.

As I walked to the car he said that was the saddest thing he have ever seen, me running through the cemetery looking for my dead mother.  Not knowing how to respond I just got into the car and leaned back, exhausted from the experience.  Sadly we returned home to do more drugs.