This morning after I got to work I was thinking...

This morning after I got to work I was thinking that in a way I am an oxymoron. I am sensitively strong maybe strongly tender. I am not sure if those are really oxymorons but I know I am strong and a survivor but I am not really tough. For instance when I was in prison the other inmates didn’t consider me tough at all. I can’t remember a time in my life where anyone thought I was tough or intimidating. To be honest I usually cried if anyone was mean to me so some saw me as weak : )

Anyhow I was thinking of these characteristics I possess and very thankful that I didn’t lose my sensitivity or tenderness after some of things I did and some of the things I went through. Those are the attributes that helped me be a good special education teacher, It was through these traits that compassion was born through my pain instead of bitterness and anger.

All this came about because I was thinking about my dad, again. He has been in my thoughts a lot lately, I guess because the anniversary of his death is fast approaching.  My thoughts took me back to the Spring of 2002……………after graduating from the six month rehab in Overton Texas during the month of February I went to live with my Dad in Rockwall. Many people advised against this decision because we had such an unhealthy relationship and my dad was still an active alcoholic. I dismissed this advice because I had nowhere else to go, He was my only remaining relative other than my kids so I didn’t know what to do and couldn’t think of any other options.

At the beginning living with my dad went fine. But as time went on  his drinking increased and he would be abusive. What happened most often is he would be drunk  and throw his glass of vodka in my face  telling me he wished I would have died instead o f Kathey because she would have never embarrassed him the way I did. That broke my heart a little more each time it happened. The hurtful words still sting to this day.. As I said I am strong but not tough. Don’t get me wrong I do not blame my dad for anything , I am accountable for all of my choices but my choice to live in an unhealthy environment increased my chances of relapse which eventually happened. By the month of May I was really struggling because I had to face the reality of my situation. I was now a convicted felon and there were consequences and limitations because of my crimes. i.e. my teaching certificate was suspended, finding employment was difficult,  etc. Hopelessness began to set in and I relapsed.

It started so innocently. I made the decision to go see my old drug dealer. My justification was that he was my friend and I just wanted to see how he was doing. I rationalized and justified the whole drive there, swearing I would never use again as my palms were sweating. I hadn’t been there ten minutes before I relapsed and the downward spiral began again. It was amazing how fast I was back to using every day. It was awful. Ironically enough a couple of days after Memorial Day I got pulled over in Mesquite by the police. After searching my car I was arrested for possession of Meth. My father would not take my calls so I spent the night in the Mesquite City Jail and was transferred to Lew Sterrett the next morning. Thankfully my dad bonded me out soon after. Fear set in because I knew a new charge could revoke my probation and I could be sent to prison. The only hope I could cling to was that my probation officer wouldn’t find out since my new charge was in a different county.

Those hopes were soon dashed because my dad got drunk, called my probation officer and told her I had a new charge. The clock was ticking for me, time was running out. My next probation appointment was on July 18 and I counted down the days hoping and praying a miracle would happen and one did!!  It was not the miracle I was hoping for but it was the miracle I needed. God is amazing that way and that leads me to where I started that I am strong but not tough.

For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.

Proverbs 23 :7 For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.

The mind is very powerful and a battlefield so we must be aware of our thoughts. When I was in prison I read the book “Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyer and it had a major impact on my life. Before that I didn’t realize how important it is to think about what we are thinking about. (The end of my mother’s life and her death are perfect examples for me. During the last couple of years of her life I KNEW I would find her dead, as I have said in the past the first thing I did when I got home from school was to go find her, she was usually passed out on the floor somewhere, and check to see if she was alive, that became my routine: set down my books, find mother, make sure she is alive, fix a snack, do my homework, etc. It still grieves my heart for the young girl within me that that was my normal.

Since I was alone so much I spent a lot of time “preparing” myself for her death. I spent hours thinking about how I would react, usually imagining that I would run out of the house screaming. When I did find her I didn’t react at all in the way I thought. I had spent hours thinking such negative and dark thoughts that never came to pass. After her death I replayed my last interaction with her endlessly throughout the years, feeling such guilt and shame each time I got to the point of saying “Get the %^&$ out of my room, I wish you were dead” , the hurt and pain on her face tattooed on my mind. I think many of the problems I experienced later in life were magnified by and rooted in these unhealthy thinking patterns) 

Also in my life I have noticed that the way I think has been determined by my history and past experiences. This has not been very healthy since so much of my thinking patterns were rooted in the tragedies my family experienced. For instance when my friends at church lost their son in a skiing accident I thought their lives would fall apart and they would become alcoholics because that is what happened in my family when David died. But that didn’t because of their relationship with Christ. I was amazed at their strength and as a result started pursuing God with all my heart. What I predicted and THOUGHT would happen never came to pass. I really believed I had changed my thinking patterns and learned to think positively but sometimes I let my mind run wild and I regress………………. We have had some changes at work lately which have been a great opportunity for Jeff but have been unsettling for me because of my past experiences. Jeff got another community which is about 5-10 miles away from Lakeview now selling in both places. This is such a blessing for him but I started to feel really insecure.

When I first met Jeff and began working for him back in 2006 it was because they gave him the Woodbridge community where I worked in addition to Provence at Fire wheel. The sales counselor who had been at Woodbridge resigned to go into full time mission work. Jeff had an assistant who had been with him for years but he still needed me since there were two communities. As time went by Jeff and I developed a great working relationship and he said I was the best assistant he had ever worked with. After about a year the company moved another sales counselor to Provence so that left Jeff with only Woodbridge and the need for only one assistant. He chose me. This was great for me but left the other girl without a job. Those events came to the surface of my mind when Jeff got the new community.

I began to feel so insecure because there are two assistants that he has been working with and I was reminded about what happened in Woodbridge, except this time I am the assistant he has had for years. It is amazing how jealousy and self- doubt started to take root and I began to question my ability and my value. I even started to resent the two other assistants whom I don’t even know!!! Finally I had to shake my head (that is what I do when the thoughts bombard my mind and I can’t seem to take hold of them:))) and remind myself of who I am NOW (so many times I think of myself as a felon, criminal, drug addict, ex-con and think that no one wants me and I have no value or worth. It is a battle in my mind that I fight quite frequently). After shaking the negative thoughts out of my head I made a mental list of all my attributes in my professional life as well as my personal life and started to feel better as my self confidence returned. 

I was so blessed yesterday because Jeff told me that a realtor called him on his day off to tell him how good I was, that they were so impressed with my knowledge and ability. The purpose of the call was to compliment me :) He even said he always gets calls like that. It made me feel so good and I will tuck away those uplifting comments to draw upon the next time jealousy , insecurity , and self doubt rear their ugly heads, because if we let those emotions take root it can get so very ugly. I am glad God prompts me when my thinking is off so I can take every thought captive and bring it into obedience. Of course I am not always successful but I try to be very aware of the way I am thinking.

2 Corinthians 10:4 For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.