Friday
Dec302011
Standing on HIS TRUTH: finally rejecting the lie I believed for so long
Susan WashingtonFor I, declares the LORD, will be a wall of fire around her, and I will be the glory in her midst. Sing for joy and be glad, O daughter of Zion; for behold I am coming and I will dwell in your midst, declares the LORD. As for you also, because of the blood of My covenant with you, I have set your prisoners free from the waterless pit. Return to the stronghold, O prisoners who have the hope; This... very day I am declaring that I will restore double to you.
Zechariah 2:5, 10, 9:11-12
Zechariah 2:5, 10, 9:11-12
Daughters of Zion
The Lord is in your midst
He has fought all your battles
And He has won victoriously
Even death itself could not stop Him
He bought you from the hand of the enemy
Delivered you from your chains
This brought me such comfort today and really spoke to me confirming that I am the daughter of the Most High, at times I forget that is my identity in Christ !!! There is something that has been on my mind a lot lately and it is something I have never really shared. I have talked about it with a few friends but I didn’t even mention it in my book. For some reason I have always minimized it because it really wasn’t that bad yet it has always bothered me and when I think of it I am brought to tears. Because of the emotion that arises this must be something that God wants me to deal with so I am going to share it because I receive a lot of healing through my writing and being open and transparent. This is not a black or white situation, there are many gray areas of which I have learned can be the most dangerous areas of all. My recollection of this night and the next day are hazy in parts and detailed in others. So I will just share my memory as I recall it.
Let’s go back to my junior year 1978…
It was a school night in the spring of ’78. I came home about 9:30 or 10:00 after hanging out with a boy I liked alot. I was in a really good mood and when I walked in the door got even more excited when I noticed my dad was there. He hadn’t been home in a long time. He was already asleep so I just went into my room to get ready for bed. Mother wasn’t there; I’m not sure where she was. She was either at Doctor’s Hospital in detox or she had gone to visit my sister in Panhandle. All I know is it was a relief that she was gone, it gave me a break from taking care of her and a reprieve of being worried that I would find her dead which was always on my mind. Smiling I put on my pajamas and crawled into bed feeling content.
I think I had dozed off for a bit but was awakened when my door opened and I saw a man standing in my doorway. I was startled at first but then relieved when I recognized who he was, although confused about why he was there. His voice slurred as he said “Hi Susan, how are you doing? you sure look pretty tonight” as he walked over to my bed. My relief turned to puzzlement then to fear as sat on the edge of my bed and started grabbing me. I sat up quickly and asked him what he was doing. He started touching me and I was just so very scared. I could smell alcohol on his breath and if I could recognize anything I could recognize drunkenness, I knew he was very intoxicated. This was someone I trusted and I was shocked at what he was doing. Quickly I rolled the other way and hopped out of bed running into my Daddy’s room. I woke him up telling him his friend was there. My dad talked to him for a minute and told him he needed to go home. After he left I broke down crying telling my dad what happened. It wasn’t that big of deal, it wasn’t like I was sexually assaulted or anything but it was still very disturbing.
The next morning I went to school and I was an emotional wreck. Cheerleading was first period so I didn’t have to be around a lot of people. I didn’t understand why I was so emotional but I couldn’t stop crying . I didn’t tell anyone what happened but I had to leave the school. For some reason I didn’t have my car that day and as I was crying in the Student Center I ran into Leah . She was concerned about me and gave me her keys so I could leave and try to get myself together. Driving her red Vega I went home to an empty house and walked into my bedroom. As sobs racked my body I fell onto my bed shaking. It still amazes me how upset I got because nothing really happened, I was out of the bed before he could do anything . He had barely touched me but I was violated none the less because I trusted him and he violated me in my home where he had access because he had a key.
After awhile my phone rang, ( I can picture the princess touch tone phone that sat on my nightstand, I can even remember my phone number: 327-0890 was my private line and 327-5606 was my parents’ line. I was very privileged in many ways with gifts and material possessions lavished upon me but what I wanted most, really needed most, was attention, love, and affection and sadly I don’t remember receiving those especially in those later years )
I think I had dozed off for a bit but was awakened when my door opened and I saw a man standing in my doorway. I was startled at first but then relieved when I recognized who he was, although confused about why he was there. His voice slurred as he said “Hi Susan, how are you doing? you sure look pretty tonight” as he walked over to my bed. My relief turned to puzzlement then to fear as sat on the edge of my bed and started grabbing me. I sat up quickly and asked him what he was doing. He started touching me and I was just so very scared. I could smell alcohol on his breath and if I could recognize anything I could recognize drunkenness, I knew he was very intoxicated. This was someone I trusted and I was shocked at what he was doing. Quickly I rolled the other way and hopped out of bed running into my Daddy’s room. I woke him up telling him his friend was there. My dad talked to him for a minute and told him he needed to go home. After he left I broke down crying telling my dad what happened. It wasn’t that big of deal, it wasn’t like I was sexually assaulted or anything but it was still very disturbing.
The next morning I went to school and I was an emotional wreck. Cheerleading was first period so I didn’t have to be around a lot of people. I didn’t understand why I was so emotional but I couldn’t stop crying . I didn’t tell anyone what happened but I had to leave the school. For some reason I didn’t have my car that day and as I was crying in the Student Center I ran into Leah . She was concerned about me and gave me her keys so I could leave and try to get myself together. Driving her red Vega I went home to an empty house and walked into my bedroom. As sobs racked my body I fell onto my bed shaking. It still amazes me how upset I got because nothing really happened, I was out of the bed before he could do anything . He had barely touched me but I was violated none the less because I trusted him and he violated me in my home where he had access because he had a key.
After awhile my phone rang, ( I can picture the princess touch tone phone that sat on my nightstand, I can even remember my phone number: 327-0890 was my private line and 327-5606 was my parents’ line. I was very privileged in many ways with gifts and material possessions lavished upon me but what I wanted most, really needed most, was attention, love, and affection and sadly I don’t remember receiving those especially in those later years )
It was my dad was calling, I don’t know how he knew I was home but he did. He kept saying “You’re okay.” He said “He( our friend) was just drunk and would never do anything like that sober. You just need to not think about this and you will be fine.” !!” My dad kept justifying what our family friend had done. Basically he was telling me to pretend it didn’t happen , that was the way my family dealt with everything. So I just took a deep breath wiping away my tears and went back to school pretending nothing happened and reminding myself that it wasn’t that bad because he barely touched me.
The memory still makes me cry and that surprises me but I think what hurts the most was my dad’s reaction. I needed him to be my defender and protector that day standing up for his little girl but he laid it all down because he didn’t want to have that tough conversation with his friend. His silence on the matter spoke volumes to me that day. I already believed that I was alone, unloved, unworthy, and damaged. His reaction that day just made me believe the lie even more.
One thing I have always been grateful for is that my dad was there, I am not sure what would have happened if I had been alone. The man was very drunk but he was also a very large man and I just don’t know………so in some ways my Dad was my protector that night ,just by his presence and of course I know God was watching over me too.
Reader Comments (2)
You keep saying 'nothing really happened' but it did. He may not have sexually violated you - thank God - but he still violated your space. My heart aches for the little girl that was you and having to deal with that and the way your Dad reacted. The you today, well you are just a miracle - again, thank God!
You were the victim of attempted rape in my opinion. I agree with Sheryl that this was a very big deal, and you did not overreact. It angers me that your father did nothing. Not only should he have confronted that so-called friend of his, but he should have pressed charges. You were betrayed on many levels, and it's totally understandable why you felt/feel violated.....you were! Praise Jesus that He heals and restores!