From the Heart of Alexis-What an amazing heart she had:)

Here are two more excerpts from Alexis' journal. What I love the most as I read these is the simplicity and the depth of them at the same time. They reveal a childlike quality which is so charming and they also reveal the wisdom and understanding of a young woman who was wise beyond her very short 20 years. What is amazing about someones writing is you can "hear" their voice through it, Alexis' voice is so apparent and I am so thankful for that.

I have a really funny story that goes along with one of these journals. Alexis and I laughed until we cried about this.  Alexis had gotten a ticket and really couldn't afford to pay it since she didn't have a job yet. She was really stressed and made the decision to sit the ticket out in jail. They told her she would have to sit it out for four days ( I think they were trying to deter her from that and have her make a payment plan) . She felt four days was a long time but she accepted it and started to plan. The plan was to turn herself in on a Friday and stay through the weekend. It takes a lot of preparation to go to jail when you have a three year old and she was getting prepared. Riley and her well being were most important to Alexis. Jill was going to keep Riley Friday night and let her spend the night and watch her Sat since Warner and I work. Then Warner could keep her Sunday and I on Monday. I thought they might let her out early and give her double time or something but if she had to stay to Tuesday we would figure it out.  Everything was in place and the dreaded Friday came. Honestly I wondered if she would do it, sitting in the Wylie jail for four days would be very boring and I knew time would go slow. I thought she might call and put it off but she didn't . As I said she was determined.

She called me as she drove to the Wylie Jail to turn herself in and I told her how proud I was that she was taking responsibility. We hung up and I was just so impressed with her. There weren't too many 20 year olds who would turn themselves in for a ticket , they would wait until they got pulled over and  had a warrant for their arrest probably thinking it would never happen to them but she knew she couldn't take that chance with Riley. She was being so responsible about this and  that  warmed my heart to see her heart.

After we talked I returned to my work  and didn't think much more about it . My phone began to ring about an hour after I had talked to Alexis and I was surprised it was her, she was supposed to be in jail. I answered and she was crying uncontrollably which really scared me but I finally got her to calm down. She told me they wouldn't let her go to jail because she didn't have a warrant and even though she begged them they kept saying "no".:)) I could just picture her crying begging them to let her in jail !!I even got a little upset with them about the whole situation then I began to comfort her telling her I would call and see if I could plead her case so she could go to jail.  As I said the sentence I began to laugh hysterically about the conversation we were having.

The irony of the circumstances hit me like a ton of bricks :) It was just a crazy situation:) My 19 year old daughter was crying and so upset because they wouldn't let her go to jail. She was genuinely distraught when normally people are distraught when they get arrested . I was thinking only in my family would this be. Alexis began to laugh through her tears also at how backwards the situation was. I told her to go back to the jail and just make a payment plan. I would make the first payment for her and we would figure out the rest. She returned and they called me and I put it on my debit card. She did pay off that ticket according to her plan and never asked me for another dime for it.  What a precious memory of a preciously unique girl.

 She was becoming very responsible. She had such determination and drive. Her parenting teacher , Ms. Chapman, once told me she never worried about Alexis because Alexis had an amazing strength within her and she knew she would be okay even though she made some mistakes  along the way, she knew when it was all said and done that her determination and drive would set Alexis apart and it certainly did.  Her excerpts are below :))

The scripture below is fitting for Alexis life and her death. He was making a new life in her and that is being revealed through her writing and her memory. She was fighting the hard fight and now there has been a lavish celebration in Heaven and she won’t have anymore hard times, no more pain or tears. That brings me joy knowing she is at peace. I love how she wrote out in Big Letters  “LIVE HATE FREE” WOW !! She was such a precious gift !!

2 Corinthians 4 (The Message)

^16-18So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.

  

A Heart Revealed- Excerpts from Alexis' Journal

Late Monday after the beautiful service for Alexis we all went home , we had laid our Alexis to rest. About 1 in the morning Sammy called me which scared me to death but as I answered he excitedly told me he had found a journal in her stuff. I could tell it gave him  peace and he began to read entries to me. I was struck by the fact that I didn't even know she kept a journal and by the depth of her wisdom, pain, and hope as he read them to me. Parts broke my heart because of her pain but others brought such peace because she had hope about her future and she had a relationship with God . She had an intimate , personal relationship with God. She was in the process of major changes and I am so grateful that I got to witness that and read her deepest thoughts. So I am going to share some of her writings.

First of all I want to be very honest about Alexis. When people die we tend to elevate them to saint hood and put them on a pedastal and that is not right. My father did that when my sister died and it was a disservice to everyone so I want to remember Alexis in truth and light because that is how God wants it. Revealing her struggles and failures will help as many as remembering her strengths and victories and she had many of both. ( When I finally got real about my life is when people could really relate to me ) When we are open and transparent we create a place where people can meet in vulnerabiltiy and tear down the walls they have erected to protect themselves, to shield their broken hearts. Alexis was no different and had many walls erected.

About a year ago Alexis got a DWI . She had gone to a party, drank, and drove home. This DWI resulted in her losing her job and being put on probation. The consequences were tough and very expensive. Her license was suspended and there were a lot of fines. This was her bed and she had to figure out a way to make it. I was not going to enable her in anyway and I knew that she would either sink or soar. I prayed for God to soften her heart and when the rubber hit the road our Alexis Rose began to soar with wings like eagles.

After a few months she got her driver's license back and things began to improve. She began to change from the inside out. She took a class at Collin College in the fall and took wonderful care of Riley. What she needed most was a job though and God blessed her with a wonderful opportunity. A couple of years ago I had shared my testimony at a Sunday School class at First Baptist Church in Allen and meet a man named  Steve Wade , we became friends. One day I posted something about Alexis, I was so proud of how hard she was trying. It was so difficult because we as a family struggle financially but we could see how hard she was trying to change. After my post he contacted me and said he may have an opportunity for Alexis . This was a blessing from God.  If she got the job she would be working in a positive  environment  with Christians speaking into her life. God had placed Alexis on Steve's heart and he want to speak life building words to her. This opportunity gave Alexis much hope and she just had to be patient until there was a job opening and then go on an interview. This would all take place early in January.....She wrote her first blog on Dec.29, 2011 . The first two journals are below. She checked off her goals as they were completed. Please note the ones she checked. Praise the Lord for this blessing. He is good all the time !!!

Alexis Rose Washington ( June 7,2012) The day that seemed to never end.

We headed down Parker Road and were in Wylie before I knew it. After passing the Sonic  I glanced over at the old trailer we lived in when I first got out of prison. It seemed a lifetime ago and tears formed in my eyes as I thought  of those words because it was true  Alexis’ lifetime was over. A funny memory surfaced  of Alexis getting off the school bus one afternoon . As she ran to our trailer she looked back at her friends on the bus to wave and ran into a pole falling down.  She was so embarrassed but she was laughing at herself also. She was blessed with the gift of laughing at herself. I focused my attention on the winding road still confused about where she died but as we passed McMillan Rd Jill pointed and said it was there. We pulled off on the road by the cabinet shop and parked. I think I got out and walked around.  The orange paint in the grass and the tire tracks marked the scene. There was something plastic that was  pink and blue , it was in shattered pieces. I tried  to pick them up and figure out what they were but there was just too many , all I knew is it was a toy of Riley’s . I swallowed hard feeling thankful that Riley was safe at Jenn’s . I didn’t even want to imagine what would have happened if she would have been in the car.

 We left for Jill’s house  and met everyone there. We hadn’t been there five minutes when the home team I used to attend began to arrive with food and drinks . We learned her friends had organized a candle light vigil at New Hope which was so very sweet. Mel called me and said she would be there as soon as possible and would bring me some clothes. I was in a dress and high heels. I honestly don’t know if I will ever wear that dress again. I washed it yesterday and it brought upon a wave of sadness. It was the dress I was wearing in the photo where I am standing in the blue office and you can see my reflection in the picture of the boats being tossed by the storm. It was the dress I wore last year to celebrate the birth of my dear friend Melanie. There have been so many storms in my life, this being by far the worst but I kept reminding myself  I was standing on the other side of that storm with a smile of victory on my face. Maybe God gave me insight into that photo knowing I would think of it today and knowing I would be wearing that dress. He knows every detail of our intricate lives.  Nothing happens by chance and nothing happens that he does not allow.

We got down to business and started making the arrangements for Alexis. Honestly the only option we had was cremation because of cost but that was okay. Of course I didn’t know her wishes like I knew my dad’s because I never imagined losing my child. Kerri and Dan Jensen were walking us through this process. They had a public viewing for their son Alex before cremation and we thought about that but the difference in cost was about 3000 so we decided upon a basic cremation with a family viewing. Thankfully Jill called and made all those arrangements. Not long after that I got a call that Alexis had registered to be a donor and there was a list of questions to answer. She couldn’t donate organs because they didn’t use a ventilator ( I think) but she could donate tissue. It made me cry that she had registered .  What a thoughtful , thoughtful young girl.  The questions took about 30 minutes and some of the questions were crazy . ( if she had been transplanted with animal parts or being around others who had . They asked if she had had diseases that I had never heard of. It was a long and exhausting conversation and I almost lost my cool. I understand it was important just so very hard to answer at that time.)

At some point I did a  post on facebook because the news was traveling fast and I had received some condolences so I knew it would be best to announce the death of my daughter.  Immediately after  posting the news the encouragement started pouring in. It was so comforting to read everyone’s concern. Mel called all our close friends and I called my neice , nephews, and my brother in law Carl.

Warner, Sammy, Hailey, Riley, and I went back to the site. This was tough as we walked around where she took her last breath. I am a crier but I don’t think I have ever cried tears that came from so deep within. It is hard  to explain but these tears came from the depth of my spirit and soul. This is a grief I have never known and I am so familiar with grief.  Sammy picked up something that we knew was part of her car, we think the door handle to I grabbed it and it is in my purse. Every now and then I pull it out and hold it in my hand rubbing it, it is somewhat comforting as  my fingers fit perfectley around it. That may sound morbid but it gives me comfort.

 Riley looked at the pink and blue pieces of plastic and told us that was from her bucket that they would take to the lake. Sadly she said she used it to make sand castles. As she said that I thought of the photos Alexis had posted recently of Riley swimming at the lake and the sand castles they made. A wave a grief washed over me again. The range of emotions were overwhelming.

At moments I would yell at God asking him "WHY?", I felt it wasn't fair I had lost so much already, I was trying to serve HIM and share HIS love and grace with a hurting world. I was trying to be so obedient and I thought it JUST wasn't fair but then a peace would wash over me calming me down and I would remember HIS word and recite it over and over. Specifically Proverbs 3 :5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart lean not on your own understanding . I could almost physically feel HIS embrace and I could rest in his peace, at least for a moment.

We headed back to Jills and around 6:30 or so Mel, Lisa, and Delaine arrived. They brought me Starbucks and some turkey and cheese. I smiled that my friends knew me so well and I felt so very loved , I love to eat meat.  They came in and hung out until we left for the candle light vigil. We all got in our cars and headed to New Hope.

The Rose

Hosea 2:15  I will make the Valley of Achor (Trouble) a door of hope and expectation for her.

Mornings are the toughest and sleep has not come easy. I wake up crying, these tears are coming from deep within my soul and spirit. God is so good and I am trusting HIM with all my heart. He blessed me with a sign this morning as I prayed. He used a photo HE has used before to confirm HIS call on my life . The life and death of our Alexis Rose Washington will lead many to the Lord, it already has.  So I feel  led to share this photo again.

What became apparent last time was the plaque that reads : You are now entering your mission field ( he confirmed he wants me to be a speaker : ) and what became apparent today was the vase of roses on the table beside me.  They look as if they are an extension of me. Tears formed in my eyes as I thought of the power in this picture and how God keeps revealing more to me through this amazing photo.

Then I remembered a string of emails between my sister Kathey and her friend Barbara. In these emails that started about a year before her death and ended a few months before she died Kathey and Barbara shared their lives, hopes, dreams, and faith. She talked about God and how her relationship with him specifically knowing Him as the God of the triune ( God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit)  sustained her through so many of our family’s tragedies . She only referred to one scripture which was Psalm 121 which was the first scripture I felt led to memorize after the Virginia Tech massacre ( I didn’t know of these e-mails then). That was not a coincidence, that was God ‘s tapestry weaving in our lives . It is a sign from HIM that I can go back to when I struggle, HE knew.

In these e-mails Kathey referred to one song  : The Rose by Bette Midler, I didn’t realize this song meant so much to her but this is not a coincidence either, this is a precious sign from God to brind me comfort during this sorrowful time .   I thought of  the Kathey’s emails  today as I saw the vase of Roses that look to be an extension of me in the photo of me praying.  Alexis , my Rosebud, is an extension of me and will always be in my heart. It is another one of God’s gifts showing the tapestry of how our lives are intertwined and I know my precious Rosebud is with my precious sister in Heaven.

More importantly I know what God expects me to do : SHARE HIS LOVE AND GRACE TO A HURTING WORLD AND LET THEM KNOW THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE EVEN IN THEIR DARKEST HOUR (S).  ( that was my blog on June 5 two days before she died, at that time I thought I knew my darkest hour  thinking my world couldn’t or wouldn’t get any darker BUT it did and as I am IN the midst of this  darkness  HE surrounds me with HIS LIGHT and that LIGHT  shines brighter.

Light is more apparent in the Darkness and of course more needed so I am going to let HIS light SHINE BRIGHT from within  during this very dark time.  This tragedy has broken me more but I know LIGHT shines more brightly through broken vessels there are now more cracks for HIS LIGHT to shine through.  I want HIS LIGHT to be apparent in me.  TRUSTING HIM COMPLETELY AND HIS PLAN. 

So thankful for all the prayers and support. Here are the words to the song , again the only song, my sister Kathey shared in her email  and of course my daughter’s middle name. God is amazing. This song is perfect for Alexis, she is the ROSE and I named her well.  She is a seed that will produce a great harvest !!!!

“The Rose”

Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
And you its only seed.

It’s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It’s the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It’s the one who won’t be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin’
That never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong,
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun’s love
In the spring becomes the rose.

Roses have long been a symbol for LOVE. We know Alexis loved BIG and we now know how much she was LOVED. I am so glad she can witness from heaven the difference she made. She didn’t believe that while on this earth. Let your friends  and family know how much they mean to you, you never know when it will be their time. LOVE BIG like Alexis Rose did : )) We can’t love BIG in our own strength we have rely on JESUS !!!

Hosea 2:15  I will make the Valley of Achor (Trouble) a door of hope and expectation for her.

Alexis Rose Washington Memorial Video

Alexis Rose Washington from Susan DeFace Washington on Vimeo.