November 5, 2015- The day that Kendall Died

When I write I heal . It is funny because I never thought about writing. I had a college professor tell me that I wrote like I talked and it made no sense so I always felt my writing was inadequate but after I found the Lord I began to write about my life and that brought insight and healing. I faced the memories that I had denied for so long. After Alexis died I blogged about that day. It helped me to process everything .I want to share that blog with you and then I am going to share about the day Kendall died. The similarities are basically unbelievable and I don’t know what that is about but as always I will trust in the Lord knowing HE is a good good father. I know that HE is good in my heart and soul but even with that valuable knowledge I am still in a lot of pain, heart wrenching pain.  So I hope writing this will help me process my grief the way I was able to journey through the grief when Alexis died.

On Thursday November 5 I woke up as I always do at 6:30 and got Riley up and ready for school. We give the little girl across the street a ride each day so we picked her and her mom ( which is really  her grandma because the little girl’s father was killed tragically not long after Alexis died and the mother was not really a part of her life. They moved to Mardi Gras after their son was killed  in August of 2012 and we became friends months later. It is a God thing for sure because what are the odds plus we have a mutual friend in Melanie. Just crazy how that has happened ) Anyway after dropping Riley and Natalee off at school I brought Stephanie back home then went to get my Starbucks. It was a rainy dreary Thursday morning , and when the weather is like that  especially on a Thursday I always think of Alexis. But I got back home and crawled into bed looking forward to doing nothing but watching TV, writing some, looking at Facebook, and playing Words With Friends.

Sammy left for work a little after nine and it left Warner and me alone. He was not scheduled to work that day and was still sleeping. Around 9:30 or 9:45  Hailey called me. I immediately could tell she was very upset and crying. All she said was Tony and Kendall were in an accident and they wouldn’t tell her how they were. She also said they were at separate hospitals. Tony was at The Medical Center of Plano and Kendall was at Children’s .  Tony’s parents were going to go see Tony and Hailey and I would go to Children’s’ for Kendall. I wanted to ask a million questions but I knew there were no answers.  All I knew was Kendall had preschool on Thursdays and that it started around 8:30 or so. I told her I would be right there to pick her up. I jumped out of bed wearing what I had slept in and told Warner what I knew and left. I told him I would call him when I knew more. I was panicking because I was so scared , it was just so reminiscent of when Alexis died but I just kept praying and telling myself everything  would be okay that I was sure it wasn’t that bad of a wreck.   I called who I always call when I have a crisis : Jill and Melanie. Ironically enough Jill was at the Walmart in Sachse as I was passing by. She could tell I was upset and wanted me to turn around so she could drive me to Hailey but I just had to keep going. She told me she would meet us at Children’s. Melanie offered comfort and support as I drove. Not long after that Hailey called me back and told me the police were going to come pick her up and drive her to Children’s.  My heart dropped but I talked to myself in my head that they were just helping out, they knew Hailey didn’t have a car, they knew Tony’s parents were going to Plano. I had nothing to base it on so I convinced myself it was routine. Then I got on George Bush heading west. I called Jill again to tell her about the police I believe and then came to a stand still on George Bush not far from Central. I was upset that traffic was stopped when I needed to get somewhere so I exited at Central going north and turned around at Plano Parkway going to Children’s that way. ( At the time I didn’t have a clue that it was Tony and Kendall’s accident that still had traffic stopped.) Thankfully I was listening to my music on my phone and not the radio . I then called Sammy to tell him what was going on and I could hear his fear. He wanted to come be with Hailey. I told him to call Tommie, his boss and see what she said. Of course she told him to leave. I work for and with the best company . Finally I got to Children’s and tried to find parking in the Emergency as memories of the day Alexis died kept playing in my mind. There was no parking just like it was that day. I finally found a space and ran in to check into emergency. Hailey was right behind me escorted by the police. A nurse finally came and told us to follow her that a doctor needed to speak with us .They had us go sit in a consultation room and then the doctor walked in. She was a young woman with long beautiful blonde hair and when I looked in her eyes I knew. She couldn’t even make eye contact with Hailey or me and was visibly upset. She then began to cry and told us how sorry she was,  that they had done everything they could. She was so compassionate and kind which was much different than the doctor who told me Alexis was gone. Hailey screamed and cried. I think I screamed and cried. I hurt so badly and was in shock but to see Hailey’s pain was unbearable. A memory came flooding back from our vacation to Galveston in August. As we made that 5 hour trip we really talked and we talked a lot about the day Alexis died. She told me that when she walked into the consulation room she was heartbroken when she looked at me because I looked so very sad. Now I was heartbroken looking at how sad she was . Everything was just so intertwined.  A chaplin came in the room then took us to see Kendall.  It was so hard to see her that way. She was so tiny lying there and bruised from the trauma. It was surreal. We stayed with Kendall.  My heart was breaking for Hailey’s broken heart.

 I had spoken with Jill and she was very near the hospital . So very thankful that Jill is always there for me. By this point I knew Sammy was on his way to be with us but I didn’t want to tell him the news on the phone just like I didn’t when Alexis died so I thought I would wait until he texted me that he was at the hospital. I never got his text , so much was going on that I think I missed calls and everything. All the sudden the door opened and the chaplain said that Richard was here and Sammy walked in . The first thing he saw was Kendall and he screamed “NO”……….. I hated that,  he wasn’t even prepared he didn’t even know.  Everything happened so fast that I don’t recall the order but Hailey’s phone was ringing and it was Tony’s father. She handed it to me and he asked “ how is Kendall ?” and I had to tell him over the phone she was gone. I hated that.  I hated a lot about this day.  It was just so incredibly sad and shocking. Soon others arrived: Warner, Veronica, Shelby, Tucker, and more.  The hospital gave us all the time we needed but finally Hailey was ready to go. We were assured we would get to see Kendall again. The nurses made Hailey a box and took hand prints and foot prints of sweet Kendall Grace. I wanted to make sure Hailey got a lock of Kendall’s hair so the nurses cut some off for her. (That was a huge regret for me when Alexis died. I didn’t think of it and when I did it was too late because we had Alexis creamated. After the funeral I remember I was looking at a brush Alexis used cleaning out the hair and walking toward the trash can. Hailey was watching me and said in the sweetest voice “you should keep that hair if you want”. I almost cried because that was what I wanted to do but I thought it was weird.  I was so glad Hailey made it okay for me. That hair from her brush is still in a bowl that belonged to my grandmother. I am just glad I have it)

We all left the hospital and were headed to see Tony. Hailey, Haven, and Catherine rode with Jill. I rode alone and was glad to be by myself. I was mad at God, I felt this was my  fault, I felt as if I was cursed. All the death in my family , I felt cursed .  I wanted to be gone to protect my children and family from anymore death. I think feeling as if you are cursed is the worst feeling there is.  I yelled at God telling HIM “ It wasn’t fair that my family had lost so many tragically “ I cried to God asking him “Why”  But then I felt HIS presence and embrace and my anger dissolved into sadness and grief. As always HE met me in my suffering and I just sobbed ……………………………………. To be continued.

My Book 'From Pom Poms to Prison' is now available to buy:)

It has been awhile since I wrote a blog. I have been so incredibly busy with Riley, work, and publishing my book. I am so happy to say my book is finally available . You can order my book off of Amazon or you can got to Soicancheer.com to order the book as well.  Please check out my new website that is reflective of my continuing story . He took me FROM POM POMS TO PRISON ..................SO I CAN CHEER.  His story in my life is unfolding . I am blessed !!

Identity and Experience

Identity and Experience

These are the words that keep coming to my mind. All I know is this is relevant for me because God keeps bringing it up. So I thought I would share what he has revealed.  In Mark 4 :22 it says “All that is now hidden will someday come to light.”  He has brought and continues to bring things to light in my life. The other day I shared how sad it was for me to remember all the disappointments Alexis had in school so I decided to take a look at my perspective on it. Maybe because of who I was, who I am, and my experiences her disappointments affected me differently than they would someone else. So I took a look within and examined my life and my heart. He has revealed a lot to me on how my identity was developed and how my experiences relate to how I react in situations. God brought up very specific incidences to show me where I believed a lie and how that lie became a part of me and my identity. So thankful he brings revelation so we can replace the lies from the enemy with HIS truth and proclaim our identity in HIM.

The first lie I believed is that I wasn’t smart, that I didn’t measure up. Not sure when I began to believe this but I believe Satan used my sister Kathey’s intelligence and academic achievement to make me believe that I was not smart.  As I have said before Kathey was incredible intelligent as was my father. I have had more than one person say my father was the smartest man they knew. And these were highly intelligent successful people in their own right.  Kathey was like him in that respect.  Kathey graduated in the top 10, not 10% but top 10,  of her class at Bryan Adams and there were more than 1000 in that graduating class. That is amazing in itself but that she achieved that success in spite of a severe hearing loss that impaired her speech, hearing (of course), and language makes it stand out even more. My father was so proud of her and she received a full academic scholarship to SMU for her academic achievements where she graduated with a Bachelor’s of Science.  I believe because of that I didn’t feel smart. When I compared myself to Kathey I always came up short. ( By the way you should never compare yourself with others , when you do you there are two results: shame or pride) .  Believing I wasn’t smart  was a lie because I was and am smart. And because I believed that lie I didn’t try as hard as I could have because I knew or believed I could never be succeed like Kathey.

My efforts were put into being personable, funny, and being a cheerleader. As we went through elementary school anticipating going to JL Long my greatest desire was to be a cheerleader. I believe subconsciously I made the decision that if I can’t be the smartest I will be the most popular in my family because I did want to shine. I wanted my daddy to be as proud of me as he was of Kathey. Then when I got to Long and did make cheerleader my home life began to crumble as mother drank more and more and daddy went out to bars every night coming home later and later. My identity ( although false and not on any strong foundation)  was somewhat grounded in the fact that I was a cheerleader, well liked, and popular .  In my young mind I believed if I were these things it meant I must have  some value even though I felt so alone , abandoned , and unloved at home as the neglect increased.  

During this time I believed the second lie, not only was I not smart I was unworthy and unlovable. I had to be because my parents weren’t there for me like they were my sister and brother.  I was hanging on by a thread trying to believe and prove I had value.

This hanging on by a thread sense of identity carried me through high school as my home life completely deteriorated. This will sound so silly but I don’t know what I would have done if I wouldn’t have made cheerleader, it was all I had that gave me any feelings of self-worth, it was my identity.

These deep feelings of inadequacy increased when I found my mother ‘s body and self-loathing and self-condemnation  were piled on as well because I felt responsible for her death.  That is when the third lie was planted:  I was a murderer, I killed my mom, and I had to keep that hidden.  When I looked in the mirror I saw someone who was unworthy, stupid, unlovable and a killer . It was awful and eventually the fact that I was a cheerleader in school didn’t matter anymore and I was defeated.  My identity crumbled along with my life.

Those were my experiences based upon my beliefs. We predict outcomes based on our experiences.  My belief system was jacked up but it was deeply ingrained . What I believed about me and who I was had a grip on me that kept me silent  and hidden. Believing if anyone knew who I really was they would reject me ( as my parents did) . As I began to pursue God he slowly began to change me and taught me that my experiences shouldn’t be used to predict anything because I lived in such dysfunction that I wasn’t even aware of.  Dysfunction was my normal.

 My first lesson in this (and it was a life changing lesson for me)  was when Alex Jensen died. After his death I just KNEW his family was going to fall apart. My heart broke as I thought of Kerri and Dan becoming alcoholics neglecting Beth.  That is what I predicted would happened based on my experiences.  Kerri and I met at Shoemaker and Hardt one day  a few weeks after Alex died because I thought I could help, I knew loss not the loss of a child, but I knew tragic loss and what that does to families. I felt I was the expert and could guide her . As we sat down she appeared frail but strong if that makes sense.  It was she who helped me that day and I was amazed at her strength. Another thing I was amazed by is she kept talking about Alex, each time she said his name I would wince a little because I grew up in a family where you didn’t talk about dead people, you didn’t mention their name. That day changed me, I saw something within her that I knew I needed. When I mentioned her strength she told me my strength comes from the Lord. Her identity came from the Lord too I would realize later. When you can stand strong in the Lord and the power of his might you won’t be shaken. You might bend but you won’t break. That day God began work within me laying the foundation for my new identity in HIM.  .

I felt compelled to share this because it opened my eyes and maybe it will help someone else.

Grief doesn't change you, it reveals you

“Grief doesn’t change you , it reveals you” This is a quote that stood out to me the moment I read it in the book  “A Fault in our Stars”. It is true .  The grief I experienced when my sister died revealed who I really was at that time , who I had been for years. I was holding on desperately  by a thread functioning my way through life. Then her death rocked my world and I couldn’t pretend anymore.  My grief revealed who I  really was stripping away the façade I had created . Then  years later with no tragedy or grief for a while I found the Lord and my life was changed, I was changed literally from the inside out. When my father died  I grieved but didn’t fall apart as I might have if God had not laid a strong foundation in my life , more than anything I was thankful He found the Lord and grateful for the restoration of our relationship  because I had finally accepted that I could not change him. After daddy died I really thought he was the last to die, I know that sounds silly but I felt comfortable in the fact that there would be no more deaths in my immediate family. It made sense to me. Then Alexis died and I was shocked and in utter disbelief. There are still days where I just pause and think “My child has died, I can’t believe I have lost a child” But again the grief has revealed who I am now , I am a child of God and trust HIM with my whole being. Yes there was despair , yes there were tears from places so deep I didn’t know they existed , and yes there was and is unbearable pain but there is always hope . My grief has revealed my hope . My grief doesn’t make me want to shrink back and hide as it did before. My grief wants me to share that with GOD all things are possible, my grief wants me to share the love HE has shown me on this journey. So thankful I am who I am today. I have a long way to go but I have come so far from who I was back then. I am also thankful that the grief from Kathey’s death stripped away  the many masks I wore and the walls I had built up to protect myself because those walls ultimately kept any healing from taking place.  Grief’s from the deaths of two of the most important people in my life  revealing two different people within me that are ultimately the same. It is so true Grief doesn’t change you, it reveals you. Thankful for ongoing change.

Just another day in paradise !

On the way to work today I heard the song “Just another Day in Paradise” by Phil Vassar. It is amazing how a song can take you back in an instant. I love that song and I always have but the memory that came with it was heart wrenching. It was the late fall of 2000 and my life was snowballing out of control. It just seemed to keep picking up speed and I didn’t know what to do to stop it. There were a lot of changes at that time: I changed jobs, we moved to a new home,  and we even  changed cars. All these changes were forced upon me but I thought that maybe things would finally get better, that the bad luck would stop. But it didn’t because the one thing that I needed to change was the one thing that I didn’t : my drug use. You can’t move away from your problems. You can’t change the external things in your life without changing the inside. You can change jobs, homes, churches, you can  even move to a new city but the problem is you are taking yourself with you . Bottom line, I was the problem not my job, home, or car. As  I said things were bad , very bad, and one day I heard this song on the radio. The first time I heard it I loved it but it also made me very sad.  And I think the reason it did was I longed for what he described in the song, there was a lot of stuff going on : unpaid bills , broken appliances, and  screaming kids but there was such love, his life with all the problems was paradise and he wouldn’t change a thing.  So I searched everywhere for his CD, I wasn’t even sure who sang it .  My life was so messed up and I was functioning in a drug induced haze but I finally found it at a Kmart off of Skillman somewhere .  The memory of  buying the CD  in that Kmart  is so vivid and I remember playing it over and over. Maybe on some level I thought if I played it enough I would be happy.
It was playing t the day I jumped out of our car on I-30 and began to run.  We were strung out on drugs and my husband and I got into a huge fight. I just couldn’t take it anymore so I told him to stop but he wouldn’t so  I opened the door as if to jump out  and  he finally slowed down and pulled over . Then  I just jumped out of the car. I was near the Samuel exit in east Dallas  and  in that desperate moment all I wanted was my mother so I decided to go find her. As I ran into the Grove Hill cemetery I didn’t have a clue where she and David were buried. I had never gone to visit her because to the best of my ability I had pushed her out of my mind pretending she didn’t exist. If she didn’t exist then I couldn’t have killed her and that was my underlying fear that I was responsible for her death 21 years before. But that day I didn’t want to pretend anymore I just wanted my momma so I ran aimlessly through that huge cemetery (since 1911 there has been over 60,000 burials )   hoping I could find her and remarkably  I did. Crying hysterically I finally paused for a moment  looking around and there was the marker that said Rosemary DeFace  . In shock and disbelief that I found her I  fell onto her site begging, pleading, and calling her name.  I laid in the grass for a while and then I heard a car . Sitting up I saw my husband watching me and crying .Wiping my eyes I got up and brushed the grass of the pajama bottoms I was wearing and walked wearily to the car and got in. We just sat there in silence for a moment crying then he said “Watching you run through this cemetery looking for your dead mother’s grave is the saddest thing I have ever seen in my life”  For the first time in a long time I felt loved and that he still cared. It was such a sad depressing scene but that feeling was nice and warm . We both just sighed and he put the car in drive and we headed back to Rockwall. I wish I could say that was a pivotal moment , that finding my mother and feeling loved inspired me to make the changes I needed to make but it didn’t . I know without a doubt God led me to her that day because there is no other way that I could have found her site in that massive cemetery but I didn’t recognize HIM. My heart was hard and I was still blinded.  My life would completely implode in just a few short months .
The memory of that day has always remained and has popped up from time to time but I never connected it with that song or remembered that song playing until now . What I really feel God is showing me is that I was yearning for HIM even then .  I didn’t  care if I had an easy life I just knew I was missing something  but I was so addicted and the chains were overpowering that I couldn’t even conceive of being free.  It took a while but he delivered me from the addictions and broke each chain that had me bound for so long. Today I love to go to Grove Hill . It is a peaceful  place and I love taking flowers to my mother , brother , and grandparents. We even took Alexis there after she died , I don’t know why that was important to me but it was . So I just wanted to share what was on my heart and again say that I am so thankful for the freedom HE  has provided and grateful that he changed me from the inside out even though I fought it tooth and nail for so long . That freedom is available to everyone.  Today  I don’t need to run from anything,  pretend, or hide  because now  I am healthy.  Just so very thankful  for my life , the good and the bad, and as that song says “  I wouldn't trade it for anything , And I ask the lord every night , For just another day in paradise”  Thankfully we each have our own unique paradise.