Warning Signs

Yesterday as I was driving around Sherman delivering flyers to my Pansy, Pumpkin, Pulled Pork Festival I'm having at my model home this Saturday my brakes started making a funny noise as I would press down on them. I hated that sound and it made me cringe so I turned up the radio and blocked it out. It seemingly worked because I couldn’t hear the sound anymore…………………... This is the way I used to deal with life in general, I would mask the problem, ignore the problem, or drown out the problem and  I never dealt with the actual problem I only dealt with the symptoms. It finally all caught up with me and almost destroyed my life. In high school I was given a ‘72 pale yellow Cutlass Supreme with an 8 track player and white leather seats when I turned 16. I loved that car but I was given that car with no instruction at all: I knew to put gas in it but that was about it, I didn’t know about oil or any of the other things that made a car run efficiently. Needless to say one day my car started making a really loud knocking noise. I hated that sound so I turned up my 8 track player and listened to the Beach Boys  ( Be True to your School, California Girls, Barbara Ann), Ted Nugent, Boston, Grease, etc.  as loud as I could. The knocking  sound seemingly went away but of course it really didn’t . My car was out of oil and I didn’t heed to the warning so there was a lot of damage that thankfully we were able to fix.  That incident, in a way,  foreshadowed what would happen to me personally  because I didn’t stop and deal with the any of the many problems  running rampant in my life, I just tried to pretend they weren’t there as if that would make them go away. Because of that negligence there was a lot of long term damage. God has been able to put most the broken pieces back together again but it would have been a lot simpler on me as well as my family if I would have addressed the problems at hand when they arose and not tried to hide them, numb them, or drown them out with busyness.  Yesterday I finally turned the radio down and listened closely.  Tomorrow I am getting my brakes looked at. This incident with my car now and back when I was a teenager reminded me we should listen to the warning signs in our life whether it has to do with our health, our car, our behavior , our relationships , and so on . We can’t afford to ignore them or pretend they aren’t there because in all these instances we can drown out the signs for a little while but the root of the problem is still there getting larger and soon will most likely grow out of control. It is best to nip it in the bud and cut it off at the root: ))

Prophetic Signs

The SHOE

One day not too long ago I posted something about the shoe I found in Alexis car after she died and a friend of mine that I admire and respect said this about the shoe :

“I think that shoe is really a prophetic sign of the footprint - legacy that she left here on earth... Her life and memory continues to impact lives... While tragic -- it really is a story of beauty!”

That moved me beyond words because she has such spiritual insight, it was a post on Facebook and I made sure to save it.

The BRACELET

Last week I shared that I was down to only two of the green beaded bracelets made in her honor after she died and another friend I admire and respect had a prophetic word about the beads which again moved me beyond words.

“Think of the little green beads as they break away as your grief breaking away as God heals you. Think of the new bracelet that you save as Alexis' perfect body that she's given in heaven and representative of how she'll be when you see her again. Love you!”

Amazingly enough when I decided to take off the bracelet with the broken beads there were 20 beads left: one bead for each year of her life on this earth.

The DOOR HANDLE

And now God gave me my own prophetic word about the door handle I found at the crash site the day she died. Last week Riley and I were vacuuming my car and I opened my little storage area between the two front seats of my car and pulled out the door handle that I keep there. For a very long time I carried it in my purse but one day I just knew I was ready to keep it in my car. I still needed it close but not with me all the time.  I pulled the door handle out and held it to my chest remembering the day I found it.................

It was all that was left  of the car at the site. I remember picking it up and hugging it to myself wondering what had happened,  I was so confused and at that point had not seen the car but I knew in that instant I would hold on to that door handle forever.

As I sat in my car with Riley vacuuming the back seat God reminded me of this scripture : Hosea 2:15  I will make the Valley of Achor (Trouble) a DOOR OF HOPE AND EXPECTATION . I never knew of this scripture until early in 2012.  When I first read it I believed it represented my life and that was before I lost Alexis. I was so impacted by it then that I used it on my website as one of my life verses.  When I first read it I never knew how much more meaningful it would become and now God has tied it together with the door handle I found where she took her last breath, where Alexis ROSE to be with Jesus.

"This door handle represents the hope her life will give to others. The hope her life and death,  illustrated through my story when I share my testimony will give to many.  Her death was my greatest sorrow but I believe God has shined brightly through my  trouble and brokenness allowing me to help others open the door to His kingdom allowing HIM into their hearts. This door handle is from the passenger side which I believe is meaningful as well , it is too late for my Alexis but this is the door handle others can use to open the door to their hearts and let Jesus into their lives.  He can speak through me and my Valley of Achor making it a door of hope for others but the key is you have to open the door. He has given me the handle to help others do that !!!"

That is what he told me J)

The bracelet

The other day was the first time in over two years that I didn't wear my little green Alexis bracelet. I took it off because the green beads keep breaking and I am down to only two bracelets. I want to save at least one of these in the box of her things that will eventually belong to Riley. Her friends made and sold these bracelets to help Riley right after she died, it was such a thoughtful act during our tragic loss . Honestly I didn't think about it much yesterday but as I go...t in the shower this morning my bracelet with the missing beads was on the edge of the tub and a huge wave of grief washed over me. I tried to tell myself it was time and there is no way I could wear a plastic bracelet forever ( although right after she died I swore I would) and the best thing is to preserve one so we can remember as time goes on . Moving forward is so difficult because I have to let go and accept the fact that she is just a memory here on this earth and that breaks my heart all over again. I came into my room and just cried. I haven't cried like that in a long time. I can't explain it but I think I cried because I am healing and in a way I feel guilty that I don't miss her so terribly. I still think of her everyday but not as often. So I guess I cried because I don't cry as much anymore?? BUT I don't think I'm ready not to wear the little green bracelet so I will put one back on . That will leave one brand new , maybe when this one starts breaking it will be time . Only time can tell. So thankful even in the midst of this pain I can cling to the Hope I have in JESUS , knowing I will see her again. Grief has no time limit and is unique to every individual. I am also thankful to be a grieving CHRISTIAN because without CHRIST there is no hope . I know this because I grieved without him and almost completely self destructed but HE saved me !! I am so blessed and already feeling better:))

I hate addiction !!

I know I’ve said it before but I have to say it again : I hate addiction !! It lies, it steals, and it robs you of your joy and it robs many of their life. It is so very cunning. It is Satan personified.
There is a girl I have been ministering to that has struggled with drugs, specifically meth, but had been doing good and was staying COMPLETELY clean from everything. I have preached the need to stay clean from EVERYTHING until I am blue in the face. In my opinion an ...addict is an addict and shouldn’t do anything. She listened to me for a while, she listened to the truth but then something happened , the voice of addiction began to whisper in her ear probably at her most vulnerable time. It is as if the addiction enticed her by telling her it was okay to drink , everyone drinks and it won’t hurt to have one or two, that her problem was meth not alcohol. She believed the lie and started drinking again. And for a while it was okay and since her world didn’t crumble in a day she began to drink more and then she started taking some pills. She justified that pills weren’t her problem that it was meth and she was only taking the pills to relax, she even got them from a doctor so that made it okay in her mind. I begged her to be careful , telling her she was playing with fire . The last time we talked she told me she was taking Adderall to help her focus. Again I told her to stop and listen to the voice of truth and to look back at how this was unfolding. She had gone from drinking , to pills , and now she was taking speed and it wouldn’t be long until she was on meth again. She justified it all with lies sprinkled a pinch of truth so all I could do was pray.
She quit answering my calls and texts but I continued to try and reach her and I continued to pray. I just learned she was in jail with a felony possession charge. Possession of meth. And this is why I hate addiction.
In my mind an addict is an addict. I have drawn a line in the sand and will not compromise. I have not crossed that line is over 12 years even when I had an abscessed tooth which is the worse pain I have ever experienced. It was worse than childbirth without an epidural. I won’t drink, take a pain pill, take an anxiety pill, take any pill other than a Tylenol. That is my stance on this. I know there are extenuating circumstances of people in excruciating pain from cancer and other debilitating diseases so I can’t speak to that but that is not my case and that was not hers. Addiction is cunning and it comes disguised as everything you want, don’t fall for lie. Listen to the Voice of Truth !!

It has been awhile

It has been awhile since I wrote a blog . I have been so busy with my new job and all that entails  plus there were times I would try to log on and I was having issues then the responsibilities of my life would take over again. Today I walked in the office determined to get to my website and I did. I finally downloaded a new browser. So I really just want to say hello and apologize for being away for so long. It has been over a month since I posted anything and what a month it has been. On Memorial Day a new chapter began in my life as I started a new job as a sales counselor with HistoryMaker Homes. It was a somewhat frightening change as I had spent 8 years with Highland and my boss Jeff. But I stepped out in faith and God has blessed me tremendously. I am so thankful , HE has given me the ability to do this job and HE has given me success.  You have to change to grow and I know HE opened these doors and it is because of his favor and my preparation that I am succeeding. I can't wait to see what the future holds.

At the end of June we celebrated Riley's 6th birthday . It was bittersweet for me because it was her third birthday without Alexis. She had three with her and now three without. Those numbers and time frames always affect me . But Alexis is forever alive in our hearts and souls. I am determined for Riley to never forget her Heaven Momma. Again I am thankful for God's grace and mercy . He has brought forth the healing in my heart, mind, and soul . I still miss my daughter so very much and there are times it hits me that she is really gone. This loss would be unbearable with the Lord so I just cling to HIM.

Last week I celebrated 12 years clean off of drugs and alcohol. It is amazing to remember who I was back then. I can barely recognize that girl. God has transformed me from the inside out. I know that I am a walking miracle . And again my heart is filled with gratitude for Jesus and the work HE has done and continues to do in my life.  

Then yesterday I celebrated 28 years of marriage which is only possible by the grace of God .

Bottom line is my life would be nothing without the Lord and all HIS amazing interventions. I love how he works. God Bless and I will be better about blogging now that I can log on :))