Chapter 3 - Ages 18-19

Chapter Three

Ages 18-19

The secret I’ve kept locked away no one can ever see.

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away

- Linkin Park

Most people from school would probably describe me as a girl who was always smiling with a good sense of humor. I loved school and excelled in academics. 

My senior year I was nominated head cheerleader and that brought a lot of happiness to me, but it also made me more adamant to keep the secret of how miserable my home life was. Another wall built. Toward the end of my senior year, my mother’s alcoholism was completely out of control. I didn’t know how to deal with it on any level. I spent a lot of my time driving around or going to movies alone so I would not have to be in the home with her. My Favorite movie was Ice Castles. I went to see it multiple times by myself. It was a story of a young ice skater whose mother had died. She lived with a father who was emotionally remote. I related to that young girl so well, maybe that is why I went to see it so many times.

 On the special day of my high school’s “red and blue” game (the passing of the torch to the next group of cheerleaders, officially marking the end of my school days) my mother almost burned down our house. My closest friend, Peri, had stopped by my home to pick up something for me and the house was on fire. As she ran into my family home, she found my mother naked in the front room. She managed to put a robe on my mother, grabbed a few things, and went to a neighbor’s house to call the fire department and then my father. After making the calls, she discovered my mother was no longer with her. My mother had gone back into our burning house. As Peri went in to get her, my mom told Peri she wanted to die. She had given up.

Embarrassed about the situation, and after the commotion had died down, I went home. My dad had since come and gone. He had returned to our lake house and it was just me and my mother. I remember I was still in my cheerleading uniform from the earlier ceremony; it would be my last time to ever wear it. This signified the end to so many things; my childhood, my school days, cheerleading, and as you can only imagine, so much more. Although I didn’t realize that at the time, it was also very close to the end of my mother’s life.  I guess her words to Peri were true, she just wanted to die. She had given up. To be honest I think I gave up that day too. I had given up my burning hope that she would quit drinking and that my dad would come home. I think I knew the situation was hopeless and I didn’t know how much longer any of us could go on. I didn’t know if I could take much more. Humiliated and embarrassed by what had happened are the only words I have to describe what I felt. Thank God it was Peri who found her, that was bad enough, but not as bad as if it had been someone else. Peri was my best friend. I had tried so hard to keep her alcoholism a secret. Now the neighbors knew. They not only knew but they saw how truly bad it was. I was overwhelmed with shame. I thought her behavior reflected what type of person I was. That was a heavy burden to carry for an 18 year old girl. I stood up and walked to my mother’s  doorway and watched her. Literally, she was out of her mind. The mattress to her bed had been destroyed by the fire, leaving only the frame and headboard. I guess she didn’t realize that because she had sheets and was trying to make the bed as if there was a mattress. She would throw the sheet over the frame, trip over it, fall, then get up and try again. I stood there watching nervously, chewing on the tip of my thumb (something I had done as a calming mechanism for years). At times I would laugh nervously because it was just so disturbing and I didn’t know what to do. She was not even aware I was there. I felt invisible and so alone. For the first time, bitterness and contempt started to rise within me and I hated her. I was so tired of everything; taking care of her, pretending I was okay, pretending my parents were okay, and this list could go on. After she had fallen into the frame again I was scared she was going to really hurt herself. I went to help her to her feet and guided her to my old bedroom. I put her in my old bed. Covering her with a blanket, I walked toward the door and turned off the light. As I shut the door, I took one last look at her. I went to my room to get ready for whatever plans I had settled on for that night.  Later as I was leaving, I walked into the room to check on her and just to make sure she was breathing. My “normal”. Each day, for as long as I can remember, before I left the house and when I got home, the first thing I did was to make sure she was alive.

The many layers of loss

The other day  I was so blessed at church and God brought forth some healing that I didn’t even realize Riley and I needed . He revealed this need so he could begin the healing process. HE started this revelation on Christmas Day. As we celebrated as a family that day I looked at Riley, Kendall, and Wesley and knew in my heart how truly blessed I am but as I watched them there was pain as well especially as I looked at Riley because there is a missing piece in her life. A piece that Warner and I used to fill but now with the death of Alexis we have evolved and changed into a new role in her life. Kendall and Wesley have their parents plus they have grandparents on both sides. The role of grandparent is so fun; we dote and cuddle with none of the responsibility of the parents. Grandparents get to spoil and have all the fun:))) As I thought about this I looked at Riley and my heart broke because she really doesn’t have any grandparents now that Warner and I stepped into being her parents. I began to grieve for what she is missing out on but I quickly rebuked what I thought was self-pity focusing on how lucky we all are in this tragic loss of Alexis. I decided not to think about it anymore thinking I was just being selfish.
This morning my dear, sweet, wise friend Twila told me God had given her a word for me on the way to church. And with tears in her eyes she said HE told her that Riley not only lost her mother when Alexis died but she lost her Mimi too because I am not that to her anymore and that I not only lost my daughter I also lost my granddaughter. He told her to let me know he would heal that hole and fill it for both me and Riley. He reassured that I am doing what I am and was supposed to do in stepping up but in becoming Riley’s mother there was a huge loss for both of us: an important loss that can’t be ignored but must be revealed and brought out into the light. In that moment I knew I was wrong in the way I handled it. I should always count my blessings and have an attitude of gratitude but if there is grief and loss , even when it is within and seemingly secondary to the grief I am already experiencing, I can’t minimize that loss because in doing so I am just locking away those feelings deep within me. When we do that it may work for a while but one day there will be no more room to push down the pain and it will implode bringing about self destruction. I know because I did that for so long, that was my coping mechanism for the majority of my life and it is so very familiar and easy to turn back to. I am so very thankful to God for opening my eyes to this because this way of coping was just as detrimental as my drug addiction, it paved the way for my addiction to grow. So very grateful for God speaking to Twila too, HE knew I would listen to what she had to say because of who she is in HIM. Feeling very thankful and a little wiser than I was when I woke up.

Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

This has been a very emotional time as my friends the Jensen's said goodbye to Texas and to New Hope. The impact this family has had on my life is eternal. Tears flowed as I said goodbye to them at church one recent Sunday. Then something surprising happened and God really spoke to me bringing me comfort. I googled Alexis Rose Washington name as I have often done. Most the time when I enter Alexis Rose Washington my website, her Facebook, and articles in the Wylie News come up but for the first time Alex Jensen's obituary appeared as I googled Alexis' name.  The reason she appeared in his obituary was because Alexis left a message in his guestbook back in 2004. I think this was a sign to me from God. I believe HE is saying that HE will use and already has used Alexis' death to save many people just like HE used the tragic death of Alex to save me and many many others. I love how he brings comfort to me when my heart is breaking. I love how Romans 8:28 always works through all our lives. 

Here is the impact the Jensen's had on my life as well as a letter they wrote to me. God is the Master Weaver weaving our lives together in intricate amazing ways. He often weaves through sorrow and although I can only see the underside of HIS masterpiece there will be a time HE will show me the pattern HE planned for my life and I will understand the why of it all but for now I just must trust HIM:

They have been a part of the church for almost a decade. God used this family to draw me close to Himself. God used the death of their son Alex to save me. Watching them walk out their tragic loss changed me forever. I never knew there could be hope after the loss of a child , I never knew you could smile and talk about your loss, I never knew you could heal from that kind of pain, and I especially never thought anything good could come from tragedy but God used the Jensen's to change how I viewed life and to change me. As a result of their faith and walk I began my own journey in 2005 so I am forever grateful for the impact they have had on my life and the lives of my children. Then when tragedy struck again I was so blessed when they arrived at the hospital very soon after Alexis died and helped us , comforted us through our loss . And I will never forget feeling so shattered and scared on June 7, 2012 as the old tapes of how my family dealt with the death of my brother played through my mind . We were sitting in Jill Crowe's family room planning Alexis' funeral . It was as if Kerri could read my thoughts. She looked at me and said "Susan you are not going to handle this the way your parents handled the death of your brother David, you will handle this in a healthy way and grieve, You have God to lean on and HE will get you through" it was as if her words breathed new life and hope into my breaking heart. She was right and is so wise. So my heart is breaking as they move on to a new beginning and I wish them the best. I honestly don't know where I would be if God hadn't brought them into our lives back in the summer of 2004. How ironic that it was through Alexis meeting Beth at a volleyball camp and the relationship was deepened through Sammy and Alex playing on the same sports teams . God knew what HE was doing through these connections and tragedies . He was using them for good to save many lives and I'm sure Alex and Alexis are smiling down from heaven. So I wish my friends the best of luck as God moves them to California and am eternally grateful for their influence in my life. As I have said I honestly don't know where I would be if I hadn't witnessed Jesus shining through them. Thank you Jesus!!! And as I went to the front of the church to hug them and thank them a girl stopped me and told me she was grateful for me, her name is Megan and she said she heard me speak years ago and that my testimony impacted her and this month she has 6 years clean from drugs. I love how God pays it forward so powerfully through our lives and I thought if not for the Jensen's touching my life I wouldn't have touched Megan's . It is an amazing domino effect of saving lives   Forever Grateful to God and to the Jensen's.

The letter the Jensen's wrote me a month before my Alexis died :

We have known Susan Washington for more than 8 years. We first met her when our children began playing sports together. Our son, Alex, was especially close to Susan’s son, Sammy. Sammy and Alex played together on a local Wylie football team for 5^th and 6^th graders. As we got to know Susan, we began reaching out to her, casually inviting her to church on occasions, but she always had ‘other plans ‘or work obligations.

Just after Christmas in 2004, we lost our 12-year-old son Alex in a tragic skiing accident while vacationing in Colorado. This was one of the most defining moments of our lives as a family. We quickly realized that the important aspects of Alex’s short 12 years of life here on earth boiled down to the people and relationships he had poured himself into. First, Alex had a relationship with God, and out of that he truly loved other people. And so we found ourselves doing the same thing. We got up each day, relied on our relationship with God, and poured our lives into others. It gave us meaning. It gave us life. We continued to reach out to Susan. Offering simple friendship was all we really had to give.

Over the following weeks and months after Alex’s death, we began to see a remarkable difference in Susan’s life. Previously Susan had been cold to the idea of sharing the deeper things of life, or even just going with us to church or a small group. Susan began opening up and sharing more and more with us as time progressed. Eventually, she opened up and shared how she had fallen into alcohol and drug abuse that led to her incarceration. We listened, offered her a hug, and loved her. It wasn’t until a few years later, when Susan began to share her story with others, that we fully understood the impact that our family had on her life.

Only after Susan began sharing her story publicly did we realize the weight of the pain that she had been carrying from her childhood. She shared with us that after Alex died, she was certain that our family would fall apart the same way her family fell apart when she was a child.

Susan’s story is one of tragedy, like so many others, but the incredible difference is how Susan changed the trajectory of her life into one with such a bright future. She’s still working through things in life, like all of us have to, but we are so proud of Susan and how she’s chosen to pursue a different course.

It’s been amazing to watch the transformation in Susan’s life. We are blessed that God used us in some small way. In the end, God did everything, but we are truly blessed that our lives and our story had an impact in her life along the way.

Susan’s story is one of powerful transformation and redemption. It will encourage you and give you hope that you can truly overcome life’s greatest struggles and tragedies. You can find purpose and meaning behind your past hurts and use them to help others and make the world a better place.

We love you Susan!

Dan & Kerri Jensen

Keep your eyes open

The light at Parker and Country Club has come to symbolize my struggle with sin. I know it sounds silly but it is so true . Let me explain . Parker basically stops at that traffic light at Country Club. You can either turn right or left . The only restriction is a sign that says : No right turn on red Mon-Fri 7 a.m.- 9 a.m. and 4 p.m.- 6 p.m. The sign has always been there but I never paid attention to it. I saw that everyone turned right on red at all times so I assumed it wasn't enforced. It seemed a silly restriction anyway because you can see clearly. It honestly got to the point that I didn't even notice the sign anymore. So without a second thought I turned right on red whenever I wanted to until the day I got pulled over. I honestly wasn't sure why the Collin County Sheriff pulled me over that morning about 8:45 and when he told me it was for turning right on red during a restrictive time I almost said "but everybody does it" but it sounded so lame I held my tongue. As he wrote my ticket we watched car after car turn right on red. The $295 ticket changed my point of view and it was a good deterrent , the only problem was "everybody" didn't get that ticket so they continued to turn right on red whenever they wanted and they expected everyone else to ignore the sign as well. I now dread approaching that intersection before 9 because the pressure is on: I've been honked at frantically, I've had drivers throw up their arms in anger using somewhat obscene hand gestures, and I've had drivers scream expletives at me because I won't turn right on red before 9. I point to the sign to try and explain and I encourage them to go around me by waving my arm out the window wondering if those 3-5 minutes they will save is that important. But to tell the truth it is hard, I don't like to be screamed at or flipped off . I've even gone into the Lakeway Gas Station to avoid the red light confrontation. It is just a silly light but like I said it has come to symbolize my greatest struggles. My struggle with the need to be liked and not wanting anyone mad at me, my struggle to please others, the struggle to not conform to the world and become desensitized by believing something is okay because everyone does it, and the temptation to feel as if something questionable is okay if no one knows or sees you do it . (I've looked both ways to see if there was a Sheriff's car and thought about turning when there wasn't one in sight but the conviction of how wrong that was on so many levels stopped me . If I compromised in that instance I would be opening a window for Satan to get a foothold) This LIGHT has made me take a long look at my heart showing how blind and desensitized we can become to sin in our life . So I won't be turning right on red during the restrictive times no matter how great the temptation or the pressure from other drivers . I will stand firm in my convictions and beliefs knowing this little light has a much deeper meaning in my life PLUS on Thursday I noticed they had installed a "red light " camera. I might be wrong but I'm thinking its purpose is to catch the right turn offenders as well. No one can hide anymore and I'm thinking there may be many more tickets . The presence of the camera that sees everything reminded me how GOD sees everything we do and nothing is ever hidden from HIM. I want to live out Romans 12:1-2 , I want to live like that. 

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. (Romans 12:1, 2 MSG)

The weakness in that strength ....

The weakness in that strength…………… This was said at church on Sunday and I have been thinking about it since then. I even wrote it down in my phone that day. The phrase impacted me.

When God created us he wired us with gifts, abilities, and strengths. And within your God given strength there is a weakness and I believe if you are not grounded in the Lord you can succumb to that weakness. Satan will use it to try and destroy you, if he can get to you through it.   This really made me think about how I am wired and the DNA God created me with. That DNA is the same as it was before I became a Christian.

For a long time I didn’t want to reflect on my past in any way because I feared I would get angry and bitter so I concealed the neglect and ultimately the abuse locking it away deep within. I honestly was scared when all the pain and dysfunction I had survived came into the light I would be a different person completely. And although I was a total mess, I liked who I was on some level  . I have always been compassionate and kind, I liked that about myself. Even as a child my heart hurt for those who were hurting.  I was scared I would lose that part of me for some reason. I was scared if I unlocked that box of hidden pain and shame within me, anger would take over.  But what I learned is the compassion and mercy that I liked about myself is how God created me before I was born, it was wired in and part of who I was.  And when I cleaned up the mess that I had become and surrendered to HIM the strengths HE put within me only grew stronger.   As I grew stronger in the Lord I could then deal with the weakness that comes with that strength.  Before I had the Lord the weakness overpowered me and  it caused me to hurt myself and ultimately hurt others.

I believe the weakness that comes with compassion and mercy (at least where I am concerned) is being overly sensitive and that can create problems if you don’t keep it in check, if you’re not rooted in the love of God.  To be compassionate you have to be sensitive to the needs of others but if you are too sensitive you become overwhelmed. The last year I taught Special Education there was a boy named Michael that had many problems but he was such an overcomer and I admired him so. He was born with cerebral palsy and only had partial movement in his arms, he could maneuver his electric wheelchair with accuracy most of the time but it took a lot of concentration. His parents had died in a car accident when he was younger and he had been raised by his grandmother until she couldn’t’ lift him anymore to change his diaper. He had to have a kidney transplant as well.  When I taught him he lived in a group home but was being moved to a nursing home because the group home didn’t have the equipment or man power to handle him. As I would take him down to change him he would cry to me because he didn’t want to go to the nursing home and my heart broke.  I hated seeing him in pain but there was nothing I could do about that, all I could do was love him . I tried to create a positive place for him but I was so messed up I didn’t succeed.  I felt like such a failure.  It was so overwhelming and through it all I would get angry with myself.  I was reeling from the loss of my sister,  using meth daily, and when I looked at him I hated myself because compared to him I saw myself as so fortunate. It is so very dangerous to compare yourselves to others.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.                Max Ehrman

This was a no win situation . My sensitivity prompted me to care and have compassion for him but since I didn’t have the Lord it drove me to feel so guilty about my own circumstances that I just numbed myself more as I spiraled deeper and deeper  into my addiction.

Today I am a different person and of course I am still wired the way God created me in the first place with the same compassion and mercy. And I am still sensitive (  that is a part of it)   but it doesn’t overwhelm me anymore. I can put all my feelings into  perspective and there is no guilt or condemnation. That is what happens when we surrender to God , HE empowers the strengths HE created us with to fulfill the purpose HE created us for !! That is what is on my heart today :)