A Heart Revealed- Excerpts from Alexis' Journal
Susan WashingtonLate Monday after the beautiful service for Alexis we all went home , we had laid our Alexis to rest. About 1 in the morning Sammy called me which scared me to death but as I answered he excitedly told me he had found a journal in her stuff. I could tell it gave him peace and he began to read entries to me. I was struck by the fact that I didn't even know she kept a journal and by the depth of her wisdom, pain, and hope as he read them to me. Parts broke my heart because of her pain but others brought such peace because she had hope about her future and she had a relationship with God . She had an intimate , personal relationship with God. She was in the process of major changes and I am so grateful that I got to witness that and read her deepest thoughts. So I am going to share some of her writings.
First of all I want to be very honest about Alexis. When people die we tend to elevate them to saint hood and put them on a pedastal and that is not right. My father did that when my sister died and it was a disservice to everyone so I want to remember Alexis in truth and light because that is how God wants it. Revealing her struggles and failures will help as many as remembering her strengths and victories and she had many of both. ( When I finally got real about my life is when people could really relate to me ) When we are open and transparent we create a place where people can meet in vulnerabiltiy and tear down the walls they have erected to protect themselves, to shield their broken hearts. Alexis was no different and had many walls erected.
About a year ago Alexis got a DWI . She had gone to a party, drank, and drove home. This DWI resulted in her losing her job and being put on probation. The consequences were tough and very expensive. Her license was suspended and there were a lot of fines. This was her bed and she had to figure out a way to make it. I was not going to enable her in anyway and I knew that she would either sink or soar. I prayed for God to soften her heart and when the rubber hit the road our Alexis Rose began to soar with wings like eagles.
After a few months she got her driver's license back and things began to improve. She began to change from the inside out. She took a class at Collin College in the fall and took wonderful care of Riley. What she needed most was a job though and God blessed her with a wonderful opportunity. A couple of years ago I had shared my testimony at a Sunday School class at First Baptist Church in Allen and meet a man named Steve Wade , we became friends. One day I posted something about Alexis, I was so proud of how hard she was trying. It was so difficult because we as a family struggle financially but we could see how hard she was trying to change. After my post he contacted me and said he may have an opportunity for Alexis . This was a blessing from God. If she got the job she would be working in a positive environment with Christians speaking into her life. God had placed Alexis on Steve's heart and he want to speak life building words to her. This opportunity gave Alexis much hope and she just had to be patient until there was a job opening and then go on an interview. This would all take place early in January.....She wrote her first blog on Dec.29, 2011 . The first two journals are below. She checked off her goals as they were completed. Please note the ones she checked. Praise the Lord for this blessing. He is good all the time !!!
Reader Comments (4)
Susan- Thank you for sharing your private thoughts, just after the loss of your daughter, at a very young age. Taking the time to share things as they occur in your life, is truly a God-given talent. Reading your story is truly inspirational for anyone who struggles with life itself.
It is evident that the power of God was working within the very young life of your daughter. It is also evident that Alexis had a very strong desire to build a better relationship with God- something we all now that He desires. Because of Alexis statements and writings, and her confession that there is a God, I have no doubt, she'll have a pass to eternal life in heaven, because God not only judges us on our actions, but he gives us Grace ~(defined as "unmerited favor") ~ to cover our many transgressions. (Thank God!)
Alexis did the very first thing she needed to do. She admitted her mistakes. Then . . . step two, she focused positively on the challenges ahead of her, forgiving yourself for past transgressions, not worrying about things over which she had no control (surrendering to God) and focusing on the present to make for a better future. But foremost, she desired a better relationship with God- something He desires of us all.
Your story, Susan, is the story of us all, how we sometimes fail ourselves and the God who created and breathed life into us and the God we serve. Your story - Susan, is one of life, love, tragedy, and redemption. Your story needs to be read by everyone.
I find you so inspiring. Your heart and love for the Lord is contagious. I love reading your blogs and witnessing your healing journey through this tragedy. I have known Alexis since she was in the 4th grade and have seen her go through her tough times and without her walk with God she would have never became the young woman she blossomed into. I'm so glad y'all found her journals, you get to view the side of Alexis you didn't know much about and its full of peace. Thank you for sharing Susan.
Emily (Beth's big sis)
Excellent job Alexis! :)
What a gift from God to discover her journal when you did! It's those little mercies from God that can give such peace and hope, knowing He is watching over us and can and will give us what we need. Often what we need are just these small things that give hope... hope that, like Alexis shows, what matters most is what's in our hearts and through Christ's atonement, our failures really don't matter, and hope that we will be given the time we need to be prepared to be with God again, whether it be short or long, God knows how long that time is. With this knowledge, there is nothing to fear! I loved reading this post and Alexis' journaling. Thank you for sharing!!!