6/24/02- Two simultaneous accidents - Two different outcomes :(

Monday June 24, 2002 was a surreal day to say the least.  It had been a couple of weeks since I got my new possession charge and I was frantic, so scared my probation officer was going to find out so I stayed away from the house as much as possible.  My plan was to stay clean but I just couldn’t,  the addiction was too strong and I started using again a few days after I got out of jail.  I was feeling hopeless and knew my life was out of control again but I couldn't stop.  I just didn’t realize how far gone I was and how dangerous my life was becoming.

By this time it was just me and my Dad at the house in Rockwall. Sammy and Alexis were spending a lot of time at Warner's parents since I was back to using daily, Hailey was in and out between Rockwall and Wylie where their grandparents lived. The weekend before that fateful Monday I had gone to Kilgore basically to get high with some friends and to get away from Rockwall. It was just crazy times and the problem was I didn’t really know anyone in Kilgore.  The people I was acquaintances with were all using very heavily, no one really had a home or a place for me to stay. So I was going from place to place, just jumping around. I had been up for days and was running out of money so I knew I needed to get back to Rockwall. After driving around alone all Sunday night I decided to start the drive back home early Monday morning, the biggest problem was I was out of dope and very tired so the details are very blurry !

 I started going west on I-20 about 8:30 or so and was barely able to keep my eyes open.  Honestly I don’t recall the drive other than nodding off and shaking myself awake occasionally.  The next thing I remember was waking up as I ran off the road into a concrete culvert , shaking and wide awake now due to the impact I emerged from my car to investigate the damage,  the front end of my car was smashed  and my two front tires were flat,  the wheels were damaged and I knew the car was not drivable. Amazingly I was not hurt at all  because from the looks of the car I should have been injured , no one noticed  me or the car either, there wasn’t much traffic going west  that Monday morning. I felt invisible. Taking a quick look at the clock in my car  I noticed it was about  9:40 or 9:45.  I climbed up the culvert trying to figure out what to do. My mind was not clear and I didn’t have anyone to call so I began to walk. Looking across I-20 I saw a gas station/restaurant and decided to run over there and get some cigarettes and something to eat and drink. Then I would make my plan.

As I ran across the west bound lanes of I 20 I stopped in  the grassy  median of the east and west bound lanes.  I noticed there was a lot of traffic backed up heading east and wondered what was happening. As I ran across the east bound lanes between cars not moving I heard the sound of helicopters above. Meth tends to make you very paranoid  and delusional so I wasn’t sure if the helicopters were real or if I was having hallucinations. I just knew I was scared and wanted to get in the station and splash water on my face to try and gather my thoughts and distinguish what was real and what was an illusion. As I ran into the restroom I shivered slightly as I looked in the mirror. I looked horrible and worn out. I was somewhat surprised that my appearance went downhill so fast  I had only been using again for about a month,  before that I had over a year clean but I looked just as ragged out as I had when we got busted the year before.  I cupped water in my hand from the faucet throwing it on my face and wet my hair in the sink to try and clean up.  Looking in the mirror one more time a tear rolled down my cheek because the reflection looking back at me was obviously a drug addict, I hated who I had become. I pushed those feelings down , took a deep breath and went out to buy something. It was then that I  heard the sound of sirens and more helicopters.

Knowing this was not my imagination I walked out of the store and saw there was no movement at all on I-20 east. Looking up I saw that  some of the helicopters were  from  hospitals and some were from Dallas news stations. Fire trucks, highway patrol ,and ambulances were driving in the grass on the median I had just run across trying to make it through the traffic. Afraid and stunned by what I was witnessing I asked someone in the parking lot if they knew what happened and they said they weren’t sure.  As a policeman pulled into the station I got very paranoid because I was on drugs, I didn’t have any left but I did have paraphernalia on me.  To be honest I was freaking out because on some level I thought they could be looking for me because my probation officer had found out about my new charge  and issued a  warrant  and  sent the  Rockwall Sheriff's department to arrest me. That is what meth does , it is just unbelievable how your mind runs crazy. I know of tragic things that have happened when people were in a paranoid delusion due to meth.

I wanted to get away from the cops so I decided to run back to my car and charge my phone. As I ran to  it I noticed more helicopters  hovering overhead. Whatever happened was really bad and was really close . Although my car was not drivable I could start it , probably not the best idea but I wasn’t thinking clearly and needed to get the charge on my phone up so I could call and see if someone could help me and maybe find out what was going on. With all the news helicopters I was sure there was maybe a broadcast.  All I knew is something horrible happened because of all the emergency vehicles I was seeing  and I knew that it probably happened at about the same time as I fell asleep at the wheel and went off the road. Shaking I  got in my car, turned the key, and plugged my phone in. I rested my head back and closed my eyes wondering how on earth I was going to get myself out of this mess, not realizing how lucky I was to be alive because across that highway a bus carrying a group of teenagers to church camp crashed into a concrete pillar killing 5 people . The speculation was the driver fell asleep at the wheel. As  I thought about it later I realized that the bus crash and my crash happened about the same time, we had probably passed each other although I didn't realize that right before the driver and I fell asleep. I would run off into a culvert  and walk away without a scratch and the bus would hit a concrete pillar killing four innocent teenagers and the driver. For some reason God spared my life and it didn't seem fair at all . The timing of these two incidents were unbelievable and I am still processing that.

 

The importance of DATES :) not dates with guys :))

Dates have always been so important in my life. Not dates with guys :)) but just actual dates.  God’s word says nothing happens by accident so the specific dates and timing of events in my life have  been very important ,  making my testimony more powerful I believe.

I try to figure it out but God’s ways are higher than mine (Isaiah 55 ⁸ “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.⁹ “For as the heavens are higher than the earth ,So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts .) but I do think about it. For instance my brother, David, took his life on the July 4 holiday. This is the day  we celebrate our  freedom as a country ,  I find it so ironic that his death on Independence  was the beginning of dependence,  bondage, and oppression for my family. There is freedom now but for years we were all in a self-imposed prison and sadly I was the only one who found my freedom during this lifetime.

Memorial Day is probably the most significant with both mother and Kathey dying on the same holiday , at the same  age of 49. Although mother and Kathey both  died on Memorial Day , mother died May 28, 1979 and Kathey died May 31, 1999 which is today.  So Memorial Day is very significant and the dates are as well.  As I thought about  this I realized  a lot more has happened on May 31. So I will do my own this date in Susan’s history : ))) May 31

Many important things have happened on May 31 in my life : Kathey’s death on  5/31/99, standing in court receiving my sentence for manufacturing methamphetamine on  5/31/01 and  having a break through counseling session concerning my mother on 5/31/11 with Jill Crowe and Patti Ramsey. Just one year ago today !!!  What is so significant about these two women and that session is they are who I reached out to a few weeks ago when I was struggling with some very  painful issues and  we have been meeting weekly praying . They are filling me up and guiding me in HIS truth.

I was just  amazed when I realized that session took place last year on this date and think it was God’s confirmation that he will heal me. He healed me from the pain , shame, and guilt I felt about my MOM. He healed me  when I drew near to him. What I am going through now is small potatoes compared to mother’s death, I am strong!!!

Feeling confident that the foundation I am laying for my ministry is strong,  prepared to support what this calling on my life will bring. Next week we are going to do I Worship with Rita, Rita’s music always refreshes my spirit and soul : )).

So thankful  these wonderful women of God are so  life giving . They are certainly gainers in my life and not drainers , as Keith would say: ))  Honestly,  I can’t think of anyone in my life who is a drainer.  I am so blessed. Patti made the comment that if we continue to give of ourselves by reaching out to others and not take the time to fill back up and refresh we will become empty and void. Being intentional to take time to drink from the fountain of living water. "Whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst," He told her. "But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life." John 4:14

Joe- Seeing Joe through God's eyes, what a gift :))

  

Yesterday I posted this picture and a friend made the comment that the old man is the physical reality that humans see: the shadow is the spirtual reality that God sees. His comment reminded me of a student named Joe that I taught in Amarillo. God showed me a spiritual reality about this boy long before I knew the Lord as my Savior. What a blessing that I could look at Joe through a different lens. It was a very powerful vision so I thought I would share.

                                                                             JOE

During my final year of college I taught gymnastics to preschoolers.  There was a special class of foster children who came for awhile. Joe was the cutest little boy, with a bright smile and full of energy.  He took to gymnastics and would flip down the trampoline.  We all loved him and felt such compassion for him.  Joe had a very hard life for such a little boy. He had been sexually and physically abused. We were all horrified that this happened to such a cute, sweet little boy. We did everything we could to build Joe up and let him know we thought he was great and that we cared for him.

        My life went on and I left the gym to teach special education at a middle school in Amarillo.  I never really thought about Joe again.  During my fourth year of teaching I had a new boy enroll.  This boy was a mess. There were two dead roaches on the collar of his coat, and it was obvious he hadn’t bathed in a long time. Most everyone in the office was disgusted  and kept their distance, even the teachers.  As I looked into this sad boy’s eyes I realized it was Joe. He was no longer cute or sweet.  The years of abuse had taken their toll and he was now acting out sexually.  My heart broke for him but no one else’s did.  Everyone shunned him and didn’t want him in their class.  But I didn’t mind, I welcomed him. This was not because I was a great person it was because I had a different view of Joe. When I looked at Joe I saw the cute, sweet little boy who could flip down the trampoline but no one else saw that.  They just saw him for what he had become.  Hopefully this story will teach us all a lesson. For one thing we all have a sweet child inside of us and that is what God sees.  I think when I was doing drugs, neglecting my children, and living in sin God looked down and saw the hurt little girl who had been abandoned, who found her mother dead after saying horrible things, and had been rejected by her father.  God knew if he could heal that little girl he could heal me and use me.    I just think we should all try to view people from God’s point of view .Our compassion should reach all people not just the cute little Joe’s.  This would help so many people and help break the cycles of addiction and abuse that happen in so many families today. This attitude would enable healing which would open the door for education for so many children who are living in defeat and hopelessness.

Jesus Calms a Storm : Matthew 8:23-27

Matthew 8:23-27

English Standard Version (ESV)

Jesus Calms a Storm

²³ And when he got into the boat, his disciples followed him. ²⁴ And behold, there arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was being swamped by the waves; but he was asleep. ²⁵ And they went and woke him, saying, “Save us, Lord; we are perishing.” ²⁶ And he said to them, “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. ²⁷ And the men marveled, saying, “What sort of man is this, that even winds and sea obey him?”

I thought this photo was cool:)) you can see my reflection as if I am in the picture in the midst of the storm at sea where the boat is being tossed around and almost overcome but actually I am smiling on the other side. A poetic illustration of my life and journey:)))

You are now entering your mission field :)

On May 1 I wrote a blog sharing that I wrestle with the question "Am I doing enough, is this God's will for my life?" when many I know are out in the mission fields and on the streets risking their lives as disciples for Jesus. These are th...oughts I have really struggled with. I felt I heard God and that HIS call on my life was to reach people and make a difference through speaking and writing my book. There was further AMAZING confirmation today. I was gathering some photos for my book proposal and came across the one of me praying before speaking at a church. For the first time I read the plaque on the wall in front of me in the photo. It says "You are now entering your mission field" I got chills :) I don't think God could be more clear about His call on my life . I shared the photo again so you can see the plaque. :))