A Special Letter from the Jensen's

We have known Susan Washington for more than 8 years. We first met her when our children began playing sports together. Our son, Alex, was especially close to Susan’s son, Sammy. Sammy and Alex played together on a local Wylie football team for 5^th and 6^th graders. As we got to know Susan, we began reaching out to her, casually inviting her to church on occasions, but she always had ‘other plans ‘or work obligations.

Just after Christmas in 2004, we lost our 12-year-old son Alex in a tragic skiing accident while vacationing in Colorado. This was one of the most defining moments of our lives as a family. We quickly realized that the important aspects of Alex’s short 12 years of life here on earth boiled down to the people and relationships he had poured himself into. First, Alex had a relationship with God, and out of that he truly loved other people. And so we found ourselves doing the same thing. We got up each day, relied on our relationship with God, and poured our lives into others. It gave us meaning. It gave us life. We continued to reach out to Susan. Offering simple friendship was all we really had to give.

Over the following weeks and months after Alex’s death, we began to see a remarkable difference in Susan’s life. Previously Susan had been cold to the idea of sharing the deeper things of life, or even just going with us to church or a small group. Susan began opening up and sharing more and more with us as time progressed. Eventually, she opened up and shared how she had fallen into alcohol and drug abuse that led to her incarceration. We listened, offered her a hug, and loved her. It wasn’t until a few years later, when Susan began to share her story with others, that we fully understood the impact that our family had on her life.

Only after Susan began sharing her story publicly did we realize the weight of the pain that she had been carrying from her childhood. She shared with us that after Alex died, she was certain that our family would fall apart the same way her family fell apart when she was a child.

Susan’s story is one of tragedy, like so many others, but the incredible difference is how Susan changed the trajectory of her life into one with such a bright future. She’s still working through things in life, like all of us have to, but we are so proud of Susan and how she’s chosen to pursue a different course.

It’s been amazing to watch the transformation in Susan’s life. We are blessed that God used us in some small way. In the end, God did everything, but we are truly blessed that our lives and our story had an impact in her life along the way.

Susan’s story is one of powerful transformation and redemption. It will encourage you and give you hope that you can truly overcome life’s greatest struggles and tragedies. You can find purpose and meaning behind your past hurts and use them to help others and make the world a better place.

We love you Susan!

Dan & Kerri Jensen

Henri Nouwen reflected :“You don’t think your way into a new kind of living. You live your way into a new kind of thinking”.

Psalm 119 :

 ¹⁰⁵ Your word is a lamp to guide my feet
    and a light for my path.
¹⁰⁶ I’ve promised it once, and I’ll promise it again:
    I will obey your righteous regulations.
¹⁰⁷ I have suffered much, O Lord;
    restore my life again as you promised.
¹⁰⁸ Lord, accept my offering of praise,
    and teach me your regulations.
¹⁰⁹ My life constantly hangs in the balance,
    but I will not stop obeying your instructions.
¹¹⁰ The wicked have set their traps for me,
    but I will not turn from your commandments

Henri Nouwen reflected, “You don’t think your way into a new kind of living. You live your way into a new kind of thinking”.

And the way we live our way into a new kind of thinking is by being obedient to God’s instructions for our life and living out HIS WORD.

This really touched me and as I reflected on my life I found such truth in it. My thinking got so skewed when I was a drug addict and there was such insanity that it is terrifying to look back at who I was and how I was thinking. I was nuts!!

For instance toward the end of my run as a drug addict I quit drinking alcohol:  I basically quit drinking all liquids because that is what meth does to you. You get really dehydrated.  One day I was locked in my bathroom getting high and realized that I hadn’t drank any beer or alcohol in over a month. I got really excited and took another hit off my pipe smiling at myself with pride in the mirror thinking I wasn’t like my parents at all. My goal had been not to be like them in any way and I had achieved that goal or so I thought in the recesses of my altered mind :  I wasn’t an  alcoholic  who was passed out all the time !!!  I was really proud of this “accomplishment” as I smoked methamphetamine out of a glass pipe, locked in a bathroom, while neglecting my kids. It was INSANITY at its worst and I didn’t recognize that until I got arrested and they threw away the key for a year. It was very disturbing to see how “off” I was and didn’t even realize it. I was so blinded to the truth and I NEVER wanted that to happen again.

When I went to prison my goal was just to obey the rules whether I agreed with them or not.  “Just obey ,  don’t over think,  and don’t compromise!!!” was what I repeated to myself.   I couldn’t afford to do it my way anymore, doing it my way ended with me in prison. It was in prison that the motto for my life became “NO COMPROMISES” and I have tried to continue that since I have been out.  Even though I didn’t know God at that time, in his mercy and grace,  he gave me revelation into the dangers of making those small compromises that change who we are , what we believe, and how we think a little at a time .This happens at such a slow pace we aren’t even aware of the changes in place until we look in the mirror and don’t recognize who is looking back at us.  So with my best resolve I tried not to compromise in my morals, values, or the rules.

(Now there was a situation in prison where I did compromise but I weighed the consequences, thought it through and was willing to take the risk. If I got in trouble I would own it but the bottom line was I really wanted to help another inmate. There was a very sweet girl that had been locked up for about 10 years. She had no family, no commissary, and no outside support but she had a great attitude with a smile always on her face. The way she made money (and by that I mean someone bought her commissary) was by doing other inmates laundry (white t-shirts they had purchased). It was against rules to buy commissary for other inmates and if you did you could get a case and get in trouble.  She was awesome at this job, the clothes came out so brilliantly white I was totally amazed !!  : ))To be amazed at a white t- shirt in prison is saying something because that is all we wore: EVERYTHING WAS WHITE except our army green coats. She had perfected this skill. One of her best customers had paroled and she came and asked me if I needed any laundry done and I told her sure even though I didn’t really care about my t-shirts, I really  just wanted to help her out. She would do the laundry and I would buy her stuff when I went to commissary. It wasn’t much, mainly personal hygiene products and coffee. I would beg her to let me by her some candy or something fun and sometimes she would relent and say okay. The day I bought her a pint of bluebell  ice cream ( cookies and cream ) as a surprise is a day I will never forget . The look of excitement and gratitude made her always smiling face beam brighter. That was such a gift to me and I could have cared less if I got in trouble or not. Now I’m not sure if that was right because I did break the rules and therefore compromised  but I know I will never forget the smile on her face as she ate that ice cream and how it made my heart feel to help someone less fortunate than myself. As I said I thought about it and was willing to risk getting in trouble. I just wanted to be honest about my “No Compromise “ motto : ))) And honestly I still make compromises but I do try and always examine the motives of my heart and what I my true intentions are when I do. This is tough stuff !!!)

Today as I read Henri Nouwen’s reflection I realized that has come true in my life: “ I have lived my way into a new kind of thinking”  There are things I did 10 years ago that I wouldn’t even consider doing today and most of them were small things  ( now of course there were the huge things also but it is usually by compromising in the small gray areas that our thinking becomes distorted  and then compromising in the huge areas just doesn’t seem that bad)  that weren’t black and white , they were actions that fell into the gray areas (at least in my mind ) where it was easier to justify and rationalize the action ( for instance I had gone to the grocery store and bought a lot of groceries. I had put a case of diet cokes on the bottom of the cart and the clerk did not charge me for them . When I unloaded my groceries and looked over my receipt I noticed the error and thought it was my lucky day because I got a free case of cokes. I didn’t once think about returning to pay for them because “it wasn’t my fault” “ the clerk should have paid more attention” etc. Today I would go back immediately to pay , I would not entertain any thoughts of any other action. So I have lived my way into a new way of thinking because His word is now a lamp to my feet and I know if I make the smallest compromise in my morals or values that come from HIS word I have cracked the window to my soul giving the enemy a chance to trap me again. Now I sin everyday but my struggles have changed over the last decade because of the way I have lived and the way I now think. I think it is called sanctification; he is peeling back the layers and working on me a little at a time.

Tomato, Tomahto, Pompoms, POMPONS :))

When I came up with the idea to write my story I was going to title it "PULLING CHAIN". That term is prison lingo for leaving county and going to prison. Of course when I first heard it I didn’t know ANY prison lingo so I took it LITERALLY: ))  

After I was handed down my prison sentence another inmate told me it wouldn't be long until I would be PULLING CHAIN and that it would be VERY VERY hard. After hearing that I got really scared and went into my cell and began cry. The picture that came into my mind was of me shackled together with other inmates pulling big heavy chains ( I don’t know where we were pulling them) with sweat pouring down our faces in the sweltering Texas sun. It was a very frightening picture in my imagination so I began to cry harder. My favorite guard stopped by my cell and asked me what on earth was wrong because I was usually so happy and upbeat. I told her that I was so scared to have to pull those heavy chains and I wondered what on earth was the purpose of pulling them and where we were taking them ???  

She began to laugh hysterically and told me the “prison” definition of PULLING CHAIN and I began to laugh with her . She was really sweet and somewhat concerned about how I was going to survive this prison experience. I was smart just not very street smart and she saw that.

The  PULLING CHAIN story always made me laugh and that’s why I chose it as the title but my dear friend Melinda Erskine Proza came up with another  title “From POMPOMS to Prison” and when she suggested it I just knew it was right. It just fit perfectly into what I was trying to do , who I was , who I was perceived to be and who I am now. It was me : )). She is so very talented  !!

So the name was changed and things began to move forward. In November I learned that my very dear friend Kristie Smith was going to write an article about my story for the DMN and I reached out to another dear friend Jamie Bridges Hawk for help. She works in public relations and has giving me wonderful advice, it was she who suggested I get a website in place but she recommended I change the spelling of the title to Pompons, with an “n” at the end – because that was technically the correct spelling.  So that is why my title is “FROM POMPONS TO PRISON” instead of “FROM POMPOMS TO PRISON” .

It is important that I be technically correct if I am going to include stories about how some of the  murderers in my dorm couldn’t spell correctly in Scrabble and how it didn’t matter because as I learned from experience  if a scary murderer says a word is a word it is, I will never question that again : )))  I probably could have told you this in two or three sentences but  you know me I’m  a little wordy : )))

My Journal: God spoke to me and I want to share :)

Last weekend was an awesome time of spending time with God, refreshing and rebuilding established and new relationships,  and diving into and engaging all that God has for me and my journey with him. It was very powerful and I am still processing the things God spoke to me. I love it when he speaks to me so very clearly so I want to share that with you. This weekend there were leaders from all over the world who have laid down their lives, died to themselves, and moved across the world to be the hands and feet of Jesus to people who do not know him and haven’t even heard of him. I was in awe of their dedication to  God’s call on their lives and their selflessness. As I met  them and talked with them it made me take a hard look at myself wondering if I am doing enough, if my dream of writing this book and pursuing a  career as a motivational speaker are selfish on my part. I called out to God because in the depth of my spirit I believed it was HE who placed this dream within me. So I prayed and LISTENED (which is very important when communicating with God) and finally when I was still I heard His voice and I knew it was God speaking to me. Those are moments I cherish most of all. I just want to share my journal from this time.

 You know what I struggle with the most is if I'm  making a real difference in people's lives  when there is such overwhelming hopelessness, shame, and lonliness everywhere . After we got back from the Growth Weekend in Lindale I met up with some friends who had gathered in celebration of the 50^th year anniversary of the elementary school we all attended.  I missed the event but caught up with everyone at a place called Goodfriends which is located in our old East Dallas neighborhood. God totally blessed me through people there as many came up and hugged me telling me they enjoyed my website and blog .It touched my heart so much because I had been feeling so insecure that all the encouragement was edifying putting a smile on my face and heart. I was touched to the point of tears as I shared how much support I received. It was inspiring to me and more confirmation of what I am trying to do and how God will use it to touch other’s lives.

 When I left Goodfriends about 6 or so I went down Buckner to I-30 and there were two homeless guys sitting on the ground with a sign that said "dirty, broke, and hungry". I was not in a lane where I could do anything, although I wanted to give them some money, but as I stopped at the stop sign I looked into their eyes and I just saw an emptiness and hopelessness that broke my heart. They were so very dirty, sun burned, and looked desperate. I had to get on I- 30 but I exited on Big Town Blvd. and looped back around so I could give them some money. I only had 5 dollars cash and I pulled up and rolled down my window saying hello. One of them had piercings all over his face and he looked up surprised and walked to my window. I just handed him the money and said God Bless You. He smiled sadly and said God bless back to me. Tears formed in my eyes as I drove off because there wasn't  anything I could really do to help and I cried tears of gratitude also because it wasn't me on that corner,  it could have easily gone that way but  for some reason I was saved and blessed.  I am so very thankful for that and because I have been so blessed I think I need to do more.  I get really scared I am being selfish with this idea of writing a book and being a speaker, that maybe I should be in the streets, fighting the battle, and reaching out to those who are so hopeless, I just don't know.  I will never forget their faces or their eyes because there was such nothingness in them and I just wanted them to feel love and accepted by me and know I wasn't judging them in any way but I couldn't park and I was somewhat scared. In a way I was a coward and just handed them some money hoping that would ease their pain and I know that isn't enough. I want to do so much more so I prayed and what I heard I shared below.
 

My thoughts are leaning toward the idea that God will use me and my story as a bridge to connect the middle class to those who live in this state of hopelessness that is so often accompanied by drug addiction and homelessness. Because maybe these middle class or upper middle class people can relate to me on some level that they can't to a homeless drug addict. Since I grew up and lived most of my life in a middle class environment they may see themselves in me and see that it could happen to them. That if we don’t deal with our stuff and if we let the pain of life become unbearable we could easily turn to drugs which could rob us of everything we hold dear. One choice leads to another and then one day your teaching school and the next you wake up in prison slopping pigs and you wonder what on earth happened.  And maybe my story will plant a seed of compassion that will replace any root of judgment or condemnation prompting them to step out of their own little worlds which are so comfortable and see the sheer desperation that is happening right in their own backyards  . And they will see that it isn't their ( the hurting , homeless, and broken )  fault , these people have been so deeply wounded by lives so hard  it is incomprehensible. And maybe just maybe instead of looking away from this agony and humiliation that is so uncomfortable to witness they will behold it on some level and have the courage to to be wounded by the pain of these hurting people and that takes an unbelievable amount of courage because it hurts so deeply. And once they face and feel that pain maybe they can move beyond the internal barriers they have erected to protect themselves and face their own demons and pain which will bring forth the  healing they need  in their lives. We all have something to face whether it is demons, giants, or obstacles and God wants us to face them head on because he will be there with us but that takes faith and courage.   At least that is my hope. I just don't want to be selfish ,  I want to make a real difference in ALL people’s lives . That is my heart and I don’t ever want my life to become about me there are so many souls at stake. I want people to know there is hope.

The insanity of addiction

 I went to a Leadership Conference last weekend called GRG which stands for Growth Resourcing Group and it was very powerful. God spoke to me about many things and I am still  in the process about all of it. Through all of this some memories surfaced that I had not really remembered or at least had not  thought about in a long time even as I was writing my book . It was somewhat surprising that I didn't recall these incidents because they were insane and so very dangerous. Maybe God waited until I was ready to see the magnitude of this craziness and how if not by his grace I could easily be dead or have gotten in a lot more trouble. My life was spinning out of control at such a fast pace I'm surprised I didn't literally crash and burn which I came very close to doing.  From May 26- July 18 there were a chain of events that almost destroyed me. I will just share one but the others will be in my book :)

I shared the other day on my Facebook page with my friends about what had happened on Sunday May 26, 2002 when I got a paraphernalia ticket in Lindale Texas. That event and my reaction to this warning ( I didn’t change a thing and just kept using) was the beginning of a chain of events that were crazy and insane ending with me being locked up on July 18,2002. Actually I had forgotten the details of this craziness until now. The next brick in my window was on June 5, 2002. It was a Wednesday evening and I decided to go get some more drugs from this girl that I had met and was now my drug dealer. From my warped perspective she seemed to have it all together.   She worked full time for a lawyer and dealt drugs on the side. Again as I observed her life it gave me some sort of false hope that this kind of life could work: you can be a drug addict and function in the world. Of course I didn’t really know anything about her life. But when you are living in such desperation the lens in which you view your life becomes very skewed and you don’t see things for how they really are, you see them as what you want them to be.  Since I had relapsed I was trying to justify my use and BELIEVE that it was all going to be okay.  Addiction and Satan are so very cunning  and deceptive, luring you into their tragic trap!! Everything was just so warped, I am amazed when I think about my thought process at that time and how I didn’t recognize the insanity of it all !!!

Anyway I drove with a friend to her house in my dad’s Lexus, which of course I wasn’t supposed to drive. It was 10:00 at night and I got my drugs plus some stuff for my friend. This girl dealt everything: meth , coke, pills, pot ,etc. I can’t remember what I got but we left East Dallas around Ferguson and Gus Thomasson  and  decided to stop at a grocery store to get  some Cokes and Dr. Peppers. By this time it was about 10:30 and as we crossed over 635 I looked in the rear view mirror and saw the flashing lights. I can’t remember why they said they pulled us over and it must have been a somewhat legitimate reason: it wasn’t late, the tags were in my dad’s name , and it wasn’t suspicious for us to be in that part of town. The problem came when they took both of our licenses and ran them : we both came up as convicted felons  with drug charges. Then they came up with a reason to search the car. I had panicked as we got pulled over and when they went to the car to run our licenses  I began to eat the baggies of drugs. Like I said I don’t remember all of what I had but it was a lot of stuff. The meth was in a bag too big to swallow so I got stuck with that. We were arrested and charged with possession and taken to the Mesquite City Jail. I was so scared about what I had ingested thinking I could OD but I didn’t know what to do.  I was too frightened to fall asleep because I thought I might die, I guess I  really didn’t want to die. Somewhere buried deep within me there was still a ray of hope that I could reclaim my life. Thankfully I was not affected at all by these drugs I had swallowed. God was protecting me again.

My dad was irate because his car got impounded. At the time I didn’t know he was in such dire financial straits but his world was about implode on him as well ( it makes me so sad to know how anxious he must have been at that time and he never shared it. Actually he never shared any of his pain or worries. He just stuffed them down and pretended everything was fine. It makes my heart hurt to know his pain and how oblivious I was to it but I forgive my selfishness and will learn from it , that is all I can do. I was very sick at the time)

I spent the night in Mesquite then they moved me to Lew Sterrett in the morning. I kept calling my dad to beg him to bond me out but he wouldn’t take my calls. But finally as I was sitting in a holding cell waiting to go to my pod my name was called that I had made bond. Relief flood my body and I jumped up to leave. My friend who had some how been released on a PR bond came and picked me up. Walking out of Lew Sterrett into the sun on that hot June day was exhilarating, at the time that was the longest I had spent in jail. I was determined to get it together and quit using  because awful things kept happening to me and I hated being locked up.  But as so often happened back then my resolve wavered as the reality of my situation weighed upon me. I now had a new felony charge that I had to deal with and I had to hope and pray my probation officer wouldn’t find this out. Thankfully I didn’t get arrested in Rockwall . Living your life on the edge that way takes such a toll and the only tool I had to deal with the stresses of life were to get high, plus my dad was disgusted with me and let me know it on a regular basis. Again I had let him down. What I wanted and needed most from him was a hug and him telling me no matter what happened that he would love me but instead I got the silent treatment until he got drunk then he lashed out in anger telling me what a loser I was . It was strange but I almost welcomed the abuse because at least then he paid attention to me and I didn't feel invisible.  I was in such a sad , sad place for so very long. Thinking back to that desolate place makes me so much more thankful for where I am today, God is just so good but of course it took me awhile to figure that out and there was much more craziness in that month of June 2002 . The next being the worst of all. Ironically it happened on   Monday June 24, 2002 about the exact same time and in the exact same place  of the tragic bus crash that killed 5 from the Metro Church in Garland . The only difference is I was heading west on I-20 and the bus was heading east but we were in the same place. It was an awful awful day !!